Boners!? Bargain!

Ok, so if you are a friend on either my personal Facebook page or my blogs Facebook page  you may have seen my status the other night about my accidental purchase of boner medication! What? Yeah... Let me explain! Ok, so I was on Ebay and looking for penis pills or sex drugs or some such shit... The idea was to, hopefully find funny shit to blog about! Mission accomplished! Anyway I found these pills called 'Hard Ten Days' that's not a typo that's what they're called! So I was reading what these pills claimed to do and the listing said to Google 'Hard Ten Days reviews' so I did... So I'm reading these reviews. Most of them are broken English or pretty ordinary. Until I found this one review that said 

"If your wife complained you are not enough strong, I recommend you can try this product, I have tried, and my wife treat me better than before." 

I found that, "my wife treat me better than before" part hilarious! So I was like "Todd! Listen to this!" Anyway, so I'm yelling out what I was doing and what this random dude said, whilst at the same time changing pages and going back to the Ebay listing! My intention was to add the pills to my watch list so I could get the details later for my blog... But what I actually did was press Buy now > Commit to buy > Confirm! Just as I pressed confirm (and I was still talking to Todd at this point) I'm all like "Blah blah blah ahahaha... Penis... Erection... Etc.." Confirm!? Confirm what?! Fuck! Shit! No confirm! No confirm! No no no! FAARK! Long story short... I purchased like 20 boner pills! 


For those of you doubting my story... That's fine. The fact is, if I bought them for a laugh I'd just be like yeah! Get a stiff one up ya! Hahaha 20 penis pills! Good weekend ahead for me! Me purchasing the pills isn't than riveting but I thought my epic failure to multi task resulting in the accidental purchase of 20 boner enhancing pills was an amusing fuck up on my part! Plus it was all for my blog, so really... If you're reading this it's partly your fault! Shoosh! Go with it ok!? 

Just for the record, Toddy does not require any boner enhancing medications but I paid for the shit so he'll be using them!

Now that you know the back story, I can tell you that these pills arrived in the mail today... Luckily for you, the amusement doesn't end with my over zealous clicking frenzy!

As you may have guessed with a name like 'Hard Ten Days' the product is obviously Asian... It's attempt to look like a legit Western/ English product amused the shit out of me! Any chance they had of fooling me into thinking this product was endorsed by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration- AMERICAN) or whatever government body monitors this kind of shit ended as soon as I looked over the box and began reading the instructions!


The bottom of the box says: BIGGER, LONGER, MORE TIME, MORE SPERMS! 
I shit you, not! That's what it fucking says! 

Ok so that's the box... Just in case you can't see it in all of it's fantastic detail... This product is apparently endorsed by the "World Sex Association" (which Google has never heard of) and at the top of the box above the title it says: A GRAIN OF SOON THE EFFECT REVELS ALL NIGHT! Whatever the fuck that means!?
Oh and the eagle in the top left corner is surrounded by the words: GOLD SOURCE LIVING CREATURE... Yeah that's super fucking helpful? Come pet my majestic creature!

The instructions contain some still shots from some porn movies... Just in case you purchased the pills and didn't know what the end result was suppose to be?!? Anyway the cheap stolen porn is seriously the least of my fucking problems! Listen to these INSTRUCTIONS! I'm quoting word for word so don't think I'm drunk or anything ok! The instructions are in bold... My comments are just in regular font ok... Cappish?

The heart attack, high blood pressure all can take the wine takes and doesn't influence result behind have good curative effect to the prostate! So fucking yeah! Clear up any issues? Yeah? Nar me either! NO fucking clue! But wait there's more! As if we weren't fucking lost enough!

What's in it? Lets find out! This product is specially made of many kinds of valuable animals and plants such as blah, blah blah, seahorse membrain... deer antler!? Seahorse what? Deer antler? Like, Santa's reindeer? Does Santa know about this? I highly fucking doubt it! Anyway I've got more pressing questions, like what do these ingredients do? Funny you should ask! I have that information right here! It would make you like a strong man the significant effects on physical or mental prospermia (premature ejaculation), impotence (sad floppy penis), spermatorrhea (involuntary escape of semen, without orgasm... Escape! HELP! HELP! THE SEMEN HAS ESCAPED! SOMETHING SOMETHING GODZILLA?), sexual debility (weak or feeble penis) and any symptoms of kidney weakness (WTF? Why are we talking about kidneys all of a sudden!?)... Great effects on sex let down (If only I had these years ago! Fucking sex let downs like a mother fucker!), shortness of penis (Hahahaha I prefer the term stump cock!) and penis atrophy of the old... (A wasting or extinct species! Why are they extinct? Coz you can't get your dick up! Think about that next time you can't get wood! Mother fucker!" I really should get a job in sales!

It then goes on about sperm and urination... and on... and on... and on... Then it says: taking after drinking wont affect the effect! Multi sex is possible with multi erections! Multi sex? Multi erections? Multi penis? Fuck hey! I should also mention that the penis would be wider, bigger, higher, rigidity. Penis may increase without rebound! What the fuck is penis rebound? Anyone? No? Also, I know I hate it when I drink then the effects of the affect are effected!? It really fucks me off!? I think? Finally, you may wonder what to do if shit gets fucked up... (Excuse the pun)! With clear instructions like these you'd have to be brain dead to fail but anyway should you have any problems such as: multi erection or non ejaculation during sex... Drink cold water for therapy! Simple! No? Fuck knows! But after reading that MY dick is hard! 

Yeah so fucking BOOM erection! It doesn't say anything about how to treat the EPIC FUCKING MIGRAINE you get from reading the instructions though!

Now if you're female or at least 90% sure you're female, like me you may be going well that's fucking great for him with his 10 days boner-rama but how the fuck does that help me and my spastic vagina? WONDER NO FUCKING MORE!!! What's it called? YING DA WANG... I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU!!! LOOK IT UP!!! There's a picture below! See? What does it do!? Tell me tell me! Yeah yeah fucking hold the fuck ON!

Uses: Useful to increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....

Hahahahaha! Do I even need to say anything? Of course I do! I am not at all comfortable with the thought of any ones vagina sucking and shrinking! Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?! If I ever harbored secret lesbian desires, that just totally fucking killed that idea! Thanks YING DA WANG! Also you can call me sexless and you can say my vagina is as dry as a sandbox if you want but I wont have ANYBODY telling me my vagina is dull! You're dull, mother fucker! YOU'RE DULL!!!

So on that note... That's all from me and my NOT AT ALL dull vagina!

Until next time... Here's wishing you all a 10 day erection!

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and here's one last disturbing image ...

Do I choose Viagra or "STREE OVERLORD"? I'd go with the Viagra... Unless you wanna turn into a muscle bound evil lizard man! But that could just be me and my dull vagina talking! :)

Oh and I think that big hard brown this is her knee... Which doesn't work... But whatever! 

THE END!

We've all made baby Jesus cry!

So chances are, if you're reading this blog, you may not be the best christian you can be... If you actually enjoy reading it, well then you're totally fucked! Yeah! Wait! You're not on the wrong page! I haven't been abducted and mind fucked by Tom Cruise into becoming a Scientologist or anything like that... I realise I probably freaked you out by starting this post with talk of 'Heavenly Father' but I'm going somewhere... Besides straight to hell! Now, whether you were raised as a strict Catholic, a Jew, a Satanist like my kids (JOKING!) or even if religion and/ or God never really came up in your house, pretty much everyone has some knowledge of the Ten Commandments. Right now, I can think of 4 but there is definitely another 6 floating around out there! 


Ok so I just Googled it coz I was like which fuckers didn't I remember... It's not important. Main thing is they're a bit shit, but generally, on the whole and despite being written in Pig Latin, they are some common sense decent guidelines for not being a total fuck wad of a human being! BUT it doesn't end there (of course it doesn't) you can't just go off the 10 commandments and think you'll be right when judgement day comes (that being you death, not the whole scenario out of 'The Terminator' movies). There is a whole bunch of other rules in the Bible that no mother fucker ever tells you about! Crazy bullshit rules that, until reading that they were 'sins', I had never even thought they would prevent me from entering 'God's kingdom of heaven'... Oh my god! I'm so totally put out!... Ok, stop laughing. We all know I'm going to hell! But are you? Well, if you have done any of the following, then answer is YES! See you there, fuck face!

WELCOME!!! MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now, here is a list of the 7 things most of you would have done, but that you didn't know made baby Jesus cry!


Sin 1- Hair cuts and shaving: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:27 "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."


Well that's me fucked! I just shaved my beard yesterday!? Do not cut hair at the side of your head... So I'm presuming cutting the back of you hair is ok? And the top? I dunno. It doesn't say WHY not though! Is it a 'fuck with this rule and even if you're the pope you're fucked!" kinda rule or is it just how the dude above prefers hair? Short back and top, long sides thank you, Barber!?

You're going to hell!

You too!

You're... FRICKIN AWESOME!!! Hahaha just joking! You're totally going to hell too!

Sin 2- Cutting and Tattoos: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:28 "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD."


Can you cut your body for the living? And what if someone else puts the tattoo on you... Is that cool? So, don't cut yourself for dead people... Cool and don't do your own tatts! Cool! Makes sense!? What's with the I AM THE LORD bit at the end? Sounds like he was drunk and just a bit too into himself at this point! Yeah, dude we know who you are! Settle the fuck down, ok!?!

Lost your arm? Trying to make light of the situation by getting a comical tattoo? FAIL!!! GO TO HELL! GO DIRECTLY TO HELL! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200

FUCKING EWWW! Yeah, you too! Straight to hell!

Ummm? Hahaha.... Yeah, you're fucked! Straight to hell!

Sin 3- Entering a church with one testicle or no penis: 
(I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP!!!)
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 23:1 "No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD."
Another translation which is slightly more detailed is "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord"


How fucked is that shit!? You lose a nut through... Whatever causes and you're fucking out! 


Bob: "Dear God, please give me the strength to fight my cancer so they don't have to remove my other testicle!" 
God: "Fuck off Lefty! You're fucking dead to me!" 


That's pretty fucking harsh! Basically, If you have no cock and/or balls don't even fucking bother!

He's cool! Good job monkey! Keep it up!

He ALMOST made it into heaven until they double checked the paperwork and saw that he only had one ball! Oh... And that he's ADOLF FUCKING HITLER!!!

Sin 4- Wearing blended fibre clothing. Like cotton/ polyester blends etc:
Bible verse:   Leviticus 19:19 "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”


You are to keep my statuses? Like FaceBook Statuses? Ok!? Don't get that one. I think it means keep shit how I made it and or leave my shit the fuck alone! Which made me think of how bad it would be to work with God in, like an office type environment... Especially if you borrowed his stapler and forgot to put it back... For example:


God: "For Christ sake (THERE'S ANOTHER SIN RIGHT THERE!) don't you dare move anything on my mother fucking desk while I'm mother fucking gone or I'll make the 10 mother fucking plagues of Egypt look like a mother fucking picnic in the Garden of mother fucking Eden, you hear me, you mother fucker?! I still haven't found my mother fucking stapler from last time I went out of the mother fucking office and I know it was you Moses so don't look at me like that, mother fucker! Yes, I know! Of course, I know! I was hoping the guilt would get to you and you'd confess! But no! What are you.. What is that look? Are you... Shaking your head at... Oh fucking hell no! That's it! Go walk in the desert! NOW mother fucker! GO! DESERT! NOW GO! Go for a nice hot stroll! Come back in 40 years when you learn some fucking office etiquette! You don't borrow someone's stapler and not put it back! Go on! GO! Looking at you makes me fucking sick! Stapler stealing, (A SIN) lying, no good, dodgy, sinning mother fucker! Go on! Get the fuck out of my sight!"


Moses should just be thankful he wasn't wearing a cotton/polyester blend at the time! By this rule we are all fucked! Got a x breaded dog? You're fucked. Do you eat genetically modified food? You're fucked! Got some kind of funky cross bread rare plants in your garden... You're fucked! Got a Bible made out of 50% recycled paper? You're MAJORLY FUCKED!!! 

He's cool... Just don't touch his fucking stapler! Or fuck with ANY of the other shit he made... Which is like everything!

Sin 5- Jewellery and skanky clothes: 
Bible verse: Timothy 2:9 “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”


Dress like shit and you're in! Unless you're wearing a synthetic or blended fibre coz then you're fucked! Wrap yourself in non cross contaminated cotton, grow you hair out, don't shave and keep both testicles and you may have a chance of not burning in hell for all eternity.

You can bet your ass that, Paris Hilton and her bung eye are both going to hell! Thank god! <----- Hahaha!

Sin 6- Defencive  knob touching: 
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 25:11-12 “If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.”

Well that's fucked! You fight some dude off, trying to help you hubby out and you spit in his eye and grab his nuts and you get your fucking hand chopped off! Where the fuck is the logic in that? And the best part is, as the husband of the cock fondling skank wife you cut her hand off and god's like "DO IT! and don't you fucking feel bad about it!" Personally I think soap would have sufficiently removed all traces of the foreign penis from her hand but the Bible was written like 20 years BEFORE Detol so yeah?!? HA! Hahaha...

Yeah... So none of this!

Or this!

And definately NONE of this!

Sin 7- Eating certain animals:

Bible verse: Leviticus 11:10 “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.”  

So if it swims but doesn't have scales and fins it's a NO NO!! Like lobster? YOU'RE FUCKED! Squid rings? FUCKED! Mussels? FUCKED!!! It then goes onto specify a whole bunch of other animals they you can't eat: Pig (I thought this was only a Jewish thing, but apparently not), camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat , bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile, chameleon, snail and winged insects that walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with??? Well that's easy enough but what the fuck is with the last one!? That's like really specific! Why can't you eat winged insects on four legs? WHY? And what the fuck is the difference if the have joints to jump with!? They had a decent chance of getting away so therefore if you catch them and eat them, you really deserve it?

Can't eat him...

... or him

... and sadly, not even him :(
Hahahaha!?!

So there you go kiddies! We're all fucked! And it's not even your fault! You were screwed the moment your mum dressed you in artificial fabrics and got your hair cut! Sorry! 

For all of you worried that all this sin may somehow result in a demon residing in your rectum, here's a coupon for a free KVJ (no idea) check! So yeah... Good luck with that!?!

Well, Sinners! That's all for now! So, until next time...


Love ya guts! 


Love, Jen xoxo

I am the Internet!

Where the fuck have I been?? I have NOT been committed. Nor have I learnt the error of my ways and joined a NUNnery or a MONKery... Hahaha. Monkery! I still don't have a new laptop... I'm getting there... S-L-O-W-L-Y!!! So the laptop I'm borrowing decided to start shooting blue sparks out of the charger... I know! Exciting, right? But that didn't stop me from using it... After all... What's a little electrocution between friends? These blue sparks resulted in the charger deciding it couldn't work under those conditions so it just stopped working... No 2 weeks notice. No big explosive finale or anything like that! Although, some would say the blue sparks were notice enough and to them I say 'You  dUmB!' 


I purchased a replacement charger for the laptop I'm borrowing so I am back to using that... I'm still making more typo's than a 1 handed, half blind, cracked out, illiterate spider monkey but hey,  it's still better than running around my front yard screaming "I AM THE INTERNET!!!"
I'm used to a big keyboard with all the keys being present. This is a widdle (yes... WIDDLE!) keyboard and it's missing more keys than your local hillbilly is missing teeth... Which means...Typos! Too many typos! Too many! *starts twitching!* 
So I'm typing this on my phone and will proceed to email it to myself (possibly with some sexy nude pictures attached!) Then send it to my blog... Then onto you! See! It's all very complex! Lot of ins! Lot of outs! Lot of what-have-yous!


So in anticipation of getting a new laptop (remember I still need donations) I started looking up some extras I might 'need' for when I get it. Like most of my ventures it starts off innocently enough... Then before I know it I wake up after a 3 days bender... Nipples covered in glitter, surrounded by dildos that have all mysteriously been covered with dirty socks that aren't mine and my mouth left tasting like Playdoh!? Good times! Where was I? Oh yeah... Laptop accessories! Specifically USB  accessories! So I'm browsing and before long I found myself going from the practical (like the USB coffee mug warmer) to what the fucking fuck (like a fake USB powered aquarium)!?! Now you can re-live my journey! 

What is it? It's a George Foreman USB Grill of course! Wait... What? Yeah, you read correctly! So many times I have been sitting at my desk typing away and thinking if only I could grill myself a healthy meal without having to leave my seat (how you get the food from the fridge to the grill is up to you- unless you buy a USB fridge!?) The whole thing seams a bit weird to me! Verdict: USELESS

What is it? USB HUMPING dogs! Why? Um... Coz we all want to see a small plastic dog humping our laptops? Don't we? Verdict: Somewhat entertaining. A good way to get you fired or incite sexual harassment! Wanna see it in action? Click here!
Verdict: USELESS & Weird!

What is it? A USB oil burner. Not my cup of tea but I suppose it's a nice present for someone who has everything and smells a bit like ass! Verdict: NOT COMPLETELY USELESS!

What is it? A USB pet rock... You plug it in... That's it! It does NOTHING. It draws NO power. It has NO drivers! WHY?  Why would anyone want this? Verdict: USELESS & STUPID!

What is it? It's a washing machine! Hahaha! No, not really! It's a USB electric guitar that is apparently surprisingly awesome! See for yourself click me! Want even more specs? Click here!
It has real strings, can be used with or without a computer and is ALWAYS in tune! Verdict: FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Ok this isn't a USB  accessory but it's so cool I had to add it anyway! What is it? A Genuine Marshall mini amp that's what! What does it do? Well! It looks and sounds like a full-size amp. It comes with a belt clip for hands-free operation and a headphone jack for private rocking out! You can control tone & volume and literally rock out with your cock out... If that's what blows your hair back! 

                                             

                                     See! Awesome! (Runs off a 9 volt battery!)

What is it? A USB keyboard vacuum! I think this is an awesome idea! A fun way to get rid of all the crap that accumulates under the keys of your keyboard! Verdict: Cool and useful!

What is it? A USB missile launcher! You can even attach a webcam to this remote controlled missile launcher and accurately aim at passers by and then POW POW POW Man down! Man down! I'm hit!
*Evil laugh!* Excellent!!!

What is it? A USB mini fridge. Just big enough for a can of drink! Verdict: If you don't have a fridge at work and you like a soda with lunch this is for you. But if, like me your a "go hard or go home, nothing by halves" sorta person then....

This is for you!!! What is it? A BIG USB fridge! Big enough to store food to cook on your George Foreman USB Grill! See it's all making sense? Verdict: Cool, especially if you don't have a fridge... For some strange reason! Don't blame me if every man and his humping USB dog wants to put their drinks in your fridge though!

BAM! You HAVE to be entertained by a woman on a pole or you may literally die!!! I know, I know! It's a daily battle! WELL, THIS IS FOR YOU!!! She dances for you as you type. She comes with her own music, lights and pole plus there's no need to go change a hundred into smaller notes for tips! The faster you type the faster she dances! Verdict: WEIRD!!!

What is it? A USB eye massager. Wait... What? EYE MASSAGER!? ... I don't get it! I've NEVER EVER thought "Fuck! The muscles in my eyes are tight! I really need a massage... Preferably with a strange red rubber hand that plugs into the USB drive on my computer!" NEVER!!! Verdict: WTF!!!

What is it? A USB panic button. You know the drill! You're on Facebook or READING MY BLOG and all of a sudden... THE BOSS!!! FAAAARK!!! What do you do? Panic? NO! Panic Button? Yes! With a press of the huge red button, the USB Panic Button allows you to replace what is on your computer screen with a "pretend" work file. The included software features several fake spread sheets for use, as well as the ability to customise your own "panic" work pages. Verdict: Awesome! Although you boss may wonder why the fuck you have a massive red button on your desk. What you tell them is up to you!

What is it? A USB Ghost detector! Why? Coz some fool will buy it!? Probably?!? This device beeps and flashes red lights in response to "unusual magnetic waves" — meaning it will let you know when you're in the presence of ghosts. Who the fuck figured out what frequencies ghosts operate on? When did that happen? Apparently the Japanese figured it out but wont tell anyone else the 'secret' ... COUGH *BULLSHIT* This 'ghost detector' also doubles as a flash drive... Verdict: WEIRD! 

So there you have it! Another installment of weird shit from yours truly! Hopefully the next time I post a blog entry it will be from behind a sexy new laptop! Hopefully!!!

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

OMG! You're like totally 5% less bald than before!

How could you not want one?

FIRSTLY! FROM NOW UNTIL OCTOBER 31ST IF YOU DONATE $5 OR MORE TO MY BLOG (JUST CLICK THE DONATE BUTTON ON THE RIGHT) YOU GO IN THE RUNNING TO WIN AN IPOD NANO (6TH GEN WITH TOUCH SCREEN, RADIO, PEDOMETER, 8GB RRP $179) NO CATCHES IT'S BRAND NEW IN THE BOX. NEVER USED OR OPENED. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONATED YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE DRAW!!! GOOD LUCK & THANK YOU! PS each $5 gets you ONE entry. 2 entries for $10, 3 for $15 etc etc. I'm happy to send the IPOD overseas so everyone can donate and enter. It's AU$5! 

I was talking to Todd the other night and the subject of comb overs came up... Anyway... And I don't really know why, but comb overs make me really angry! It's just one of my many MANY oddities! So anyway... Comb overs... RAAARRRRR! I'm totally sympathetic to men losing their hairs (yes, I said HAIRS- coz when you're going bald you notice every single fucking follicle that decides to up and abandon your increasingly shiny little head!) and just because male pattern baldness has been accepted by society doesn't mean it's any easier on the poor dude whose losing his locks! HOWEVER...  Comb overs? Really, guys are you serious? You look absolutely fucking ridiculous and you aren't fooling anyone!!! No one has ever... EVER looked at a dude with a comb and thought 'Fuck me, that guy has really great fucking head of hair!' NO ONE! EVER!


 You obviously have a complex about having no hair. You may think people are judging you for being follicular-ly challenged or that they are appalled at your unabashed naked scalp openly parading in full view of small children but in reality no one cares! We've seen bald guys before... It's not shocking or memorable. That being said, if you really DO want to stand out and be judged and laughed at then the comb over is a great fucking move! You are guaranteed to draw attention to yourself in a way that just being bald will never do. Plus you can be sure you're rocking the shit out of that sexy paedophile chic, that all us women secretly desire! 


Now share the horror, the disgust, the seedy feelings and the humour of *BARM BARM BARRRM!* COMB OVERS UNLEASHED!!!

Dear Sir, In order to sport a 'successful' comb over, you must have enough hair to COMB the other hair OVER to... 

With a head like that, I hardly see why it matters, but with his money... WTF!?! Obviously he has that much money that no one will tell him he looks like a raging homo... Actually, no! No self respecting gay dude would EVER have that shit on their heads! He should change his name to Lester the Molester! Or maybe Donald Hump?

Why fucking bother? Wow you're like 5% less bald! It's like getting a full Brazilian wax but leaving a landing strip and letting it really bush up! It's just fucking weird!!! And it makes NO sense!

Now THAT's dedication!!! Yeah, dude coz no one's gunna notice that huge random part at the back of your head? FUCK HEAD!!! OMFG I would so scream at this guy if I saw him out in public! "Hey, fuck head! NICE FUCKING HAIR, FUCK HEAD!!! YEAH, YOU! YA FUCK HEAD!!!"

This is just like a half assed effort of the above! I respect the other dude more though coz at least he put a solid effort into looking completely out of touch with the modern free thinking world! EPIC FAIL!!!

Hahahahaha! His whole head is backwards. Or sideways? Or upside down? Fuck knows!!! Between his eyebrows and his hair I'm so so so lost! Hahahaha! Aaaannnnd! I'm back! Fucking freak!

So until next time my lovelies...


Please DONATE!


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo