Vulva-licious!

Firstly, to those of you dying to know the outcome from the events I covered in my last post, "Boners? Bargain!"  Yes, 'Hard Ten Days' worked... I was surprised at how well it worked! It was kinda like freaky erection... I thought Todd's dick was guna jump out of it's skin... I actually laughed at it for a considerable amount of time... Which surprisingly, didn't effect his freaky porn boner one iota! That being said I think they should change it's name from 'Hard Ten Days' to 'Can't Walk Two Weeks'! Hahaha... If you catch my drift... 


So for those who wanted to know. Yes it absolutely worked and it's quite cheap too! Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below or emailed to me at jenbear1985@gmail.com... Just put Hard Ten Days Questions in the subject line so I don't think your message is SPAM and delete it!
Ok so my last post was pretty much all about dick... But I did briefly touch on a product called, 'YING DA WANG', which is for females. If you remember, this product claimed to... 
'Increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....' 
Which got me thinking: what other sorts of warped and (not so) wonderful products are out there for the fairer sex? This question was soon answered accompanied with fits of giggles from myself as I realised my naivety in regards to the 'wonderful' world of lotions, potions, perfumes, devices, soaps and pills available for your humble run of the mill vagina!

So without any further ado...


Name: JAMU SOAP (Sabun Sari KESED)
Use: This soap claims to tighten your vagina!
Sales Pitch: Rules of Use- Soaped at interior femininity flatten and hushed for a few minutes, rinsed last / to be washed until cleanness.

Benefits:
1. Creating harmony in the household, husband and wife happiness
2. Absorb excessive mucus
3. Make vagina becomes kesed
4. Eradicating germs in the vagina
5. Eliminate unpleasant odors
6. Eliminate black mole-mole between your thighs 7. Eliminating the smell of sweat is not good

Ok... So how do you use it? Wait, who cares! I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IS KESED!? MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS BLACK MOLE-MOLE between your thighs? Hahahaha! Someone help me! I can't breathe! 

Name: Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream (No, it's not glue like I originally thought)

Use: Once again... Vaginal Tightening!
Sales Pitch: Apply a liberal amount of Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Sure Grip Tighten Her       Cream also works as a deodorant and disinfectant. It   also claims to "Tighten your vagina, like the first time... For that Honeymoon fit!" 

I still think it sounds like glue! Plus one of the ingredients is a mold repellent... Nothing says confidence like a mold free vagina!? I discovered a whole range of these vag creams! All with highly amusing names like: 18 again, Tight stuff, China shrink cream, Snuggles, Crazy girl wanna be tight! I think Crazy Girl has to be my favourite! 

Name: Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

Use: My guess... Pumping the pussy!

Sales pitch: Super-sensitise your vagina for extreme levels of pleasure! The Doc Johnson Pussy pump is easy to use and will enlarge your vagina making it super sensitive. Unlike other pump the Doc Johnson version has a patented removable valve allowing you pump it up to create a vacuum and then remove the hose and it will keep its seal.

I just find it hilarious that's there's obviously a whole group of women out there trying to make their vagina's smaller then I find something like this which is obviously aimed at a crowd who are trying to make the puss bigger!? I LIKE ZE BIIIIG PUSSY!!! Ahahahaha! Say that with a Grace Jones voice (MOVIE: Boomerang) for maximum laugh-ability!


Name: Vaginal Electrode! WOAH!
Use: I think it's to exercise your vag?
Sales Pitch: An intra-vaginal probe for muscle stimulation and biofeedback. It is supplied complete with an additional stick-style "indicator" fitting that allows it to be used as a Pelvic Floor Educator and thus provides excellent value for women wanting to develop exercise technique whilst using electrical stimulation.

Wow! Yeah, any takers? No, thanks! I used a similar device when I was a beautician... It stimulated the skin and was actually quite a nice and effective treatment... I never attacked any of the girls vagina's with it though... I do like the use of the word 'educator'... And I'm gunna leave that one right there! 


Name: KEGEL8 Ultra A - Vaginal & Anal
Use: NO FUCKING IDEA!
Sales Pitch: Do you have a problem controlling your wind? Do you have Stress Incontinence? Do you suffer with constipation? If you answer YES to any of the above, you are at risk of developing anal incontinence and small changes now can make a big difference. Stress Incontinence is taboo but anal incontinence is even more of a social stigma that blights women's lives. Medical figures report 28% of women with stress incontinence are also anally incontinent, not always to the extent of 'messing' ourselves sometimes it's not being able to control our wind in social situations. If you are that 'windy-pop woman' you need the Kegel8 Ultra A, with all the fast and efficient programmes you need to strengthen your pelvic floor vaginally, the Ultra A has an additional programme complete with anal probe. The Kegel8 Ultra is the clinically proven way to strengthen your pelvic floor, vaginally and posteriorally giving you back your control and confidence.


Hahaha! WOW! As I was telling Todd about this windy pop woman I burst into hysterics and started to sing the following song! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Farted on my dick and my balls! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Sharted all over my bedroom walls! 

I then proceeded to laugh for a good 5 minutes and that's all I have to say about that!

Last but by no means least I present...


Name: Vulva Original! (Seriously)
Use: For people who just love smelling like a cunt!
Sales Pitch: The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure. The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass vial with a comfortable roll-on applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance. Our greatest challenge was to preserve the intimate scent without altering the essence thereof. After many year of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long lasting effect. The vial is shaken gently. Only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand…and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the intimate smell of an irresistible woman.

If you want to be even more freaked out I suggest you watch the the VULVA commercial! Not to be confused with the VOLVO commercials!

This video right here is the entire reason I stay the fuck out of the gym and away from personal trainers! 

I hope you were as entertained and as freaked the fuck out as I was!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Boners!? Bargain!

Ok, so if you are a friend on either my personal Facebook page or my blogs Facebook page  you may have seen my status the other night about my accidental purchase of boner medication! What? Yeah... Let me explain! Ok, so I was on Ebay and looking for penis pills or sex drugs or some such shit... The idea was to, hopefully find funny shit to blog about! Mission accomplished! Anyway I found these pills called 'Hard Ten Days' that's not a typo that's what they're called! So I was reading what these pills claimed to do and the listing said to Google 'Hard Ten Days reviews' so I did... So I'm reading these reviews. Most of them are broken English or pretty ordinary. Until I found this one review that said 

"If your wife complained you are not enough strong, I recommend you can try this product, I have tried, and my wife treat me better than before." 

I found that, "my wife treat me better than before" part hilarious! So I was like "Todd! Listen to this!" Anyway, so I'm yelling out what I was doing and what this random dude said, whilst at the same time changing pages and going back to the Ebay listing! My intention was to add the pills to my watch list so I could get the details later for my blog... But what I actually did was press Buy now > Commit to buy > Confirm! Just as I pressed confirm (and I was still talking to Todd at this point) I'm all like "Blah blah blah ahahaha... Penis... Erection... Etc.." Confirm!? Confirm what?! Fuck! Shit! No confirm! No confirm! No no no! FAARK! Long story short... I purchased like 20 boner pills! 


For those of you doubting my story... That's fine. The fact is, if I bought them for a laugh I'd just be like yeah! Get a stiff one up ya! Hahaha 20 penis pills! Good weekend ahead for me! Me purchasing the pills isn't than riveting but I thought my epic failure to multi task resulting in the accidental purchase of 20 boner enhancing pills was an amusing fuck up on my part! Plus it was all for my blog, so really... If you're reading this it's partly your fault! Shoosh! Go with it ok!? 

Just for the record, Toddy does not require any boner enhancing medications but I paid for the shit so he'll be using them!

Now that you know the back story, I can tell you that these pills arrived in the mail today... Luckily for you, the amusement doesn't end with my over zealous clicking frenzy!

As you may have guessed with a name like 'Hard Ten Days' the product is obviously Asian... It's attempt to look like a legit Western/ English product amused the shit out of me! Any chance they had of fooling me into thinking this product was endorsed by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration- AMERICAN) or whatever government body monitors this kind of shit ended as soon as I looked over the box and began reading the instructions!


The bottom of the box says: BIGGER, LONGER, MORE TIME, MORE SPERMS! 
I shit you, not! That's what it fucking says! 

Ok so that's the box... Just in case you can't see it in all of it's fantastic detail... This product is apparently endorsed by the "World Sex Association" (which Google has never heard of) and at the top of the box above the title it says: A GRAIN OF SOON THE EFFECT REVELS ALL NIGHT! Whatever the fuck that means!?
Oh and the eagle in the top left corner is surrounded by the words: GOLD SOURCE LIVING CREATURE... Yeah that's super fucking helpful? Come pet my majestic creature!

The instructions contain some still shots from some porn movies... Just in case you purchased the pills and didn't know what the end result was suppose to be?!? Anyway the cheap stolen porn is seriously the least of my fucking problems! Listen to these INSTRUCTIONS! I'm quoting word for word so don't think I'm drunk or anything ok! The instructions are in bold... My comments are just in regular font ok... Cappish?

The heart attack, high blood pressure all can take the wine takes and doesn't influence result behind have good curative effect to the prostate! So fucking yeah! Clear up any issues? Yeah? Nar me either! NO fucking clue! But wait there's more! As if we weren't fucking lost enough!

What's in it? Lets find out! This product is specially made of many kinds of valuable animals and plants such as blah, blah blah, seahorse membrain... deer antler!? Seahorse what? Deer antler? Like, Santa's reindeer? Does Santa know about this? I highly fucking doubt it! Anyway I've got more pressing questions, like what do these ingredients do? Funny you should ask! I have that information right here! It would make you like a strong man the significant effects on physical or mental prospermia (premature ejaculation), impotence (sad floppy penis), spermatorrhea (involuntary escape of semen, without orgasm... Escape! HELP! HELP! THE SEMEN HAS ESCAPED! SOMETHING SOMETHING GODZILLA?), sexual debility (weak or feeble penis) and any symptoms of kidney weakness (WTF? Why are we talking about kidneys all of a sudden!?)... Great effects on sex let down (If only I had these years ago! Fucking sex let downs like a mother fucker!), shortness of penis (Hahahaha I prefer the term stump cock!) and penis atrophy of the old... (A wasting or extinct species! Why are they extinct? Coz you can't get your dick up! Think about that next time you can't get wood! Mother fucker!" I really should get a job in sales!

It then goes on about sperm and urination... and on... and on... and on... Then it says: taking after drinking wont affect the effect! Multi sex is possible with multi erections! Multi sex? Multi erections? Multi penis? Fuck hey! I should also mention that the penis would be wider, bigger, higher, rigidity. Penis may increase without rebound! What the fuck is penis rebound? Anyone? No? Also, I know I hate it when I drink then the effects of the affect are effected!? It really fucks me off!? I think? Finally, you may wonder what to do if shit gets fucked up... (Excuse the pun)! With clear instructions like these you'd have to be brain dead to fail but anyway should you have any problems such as: multi erection or non ejaculation during sex... Drink cold water for therapy! Simple! No? Fuck knows! But after reading that MY dick is hard! 

Yeah so fucking BOOM erection! It doesn't say anything about how to treat the EPIC FUCKING MIGRAINE you get from reading the instructions though!

Now if you're female or at least 90% sure you're female, like me you may be going well that's fucking great for him with his 10 days boner-rama but how the fuck does that help me and my spastic vagina? WONDER NO FUCKING MORE!!! What's it called? YING DA WANG... I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU!!! LOOK IT UP!!! There's a picture below! See? What does it do!? Tell me tell me! Yeah yeah fucking hold the fuck ON!

Uses: Useful to increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....

Hahahahaha! Do I even need to say anything? Of course I do! I am not at all comfortable with the thought of any ones vagina sucking and shrinking! Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?! If I ever harbored secret lesbian desires, that just totally fucking killed that idea! Thanks YING DA WANG! Also you can call me sexless and you can say my vagina is as dry as a sandbox if you want but I wont have ANYBODY telling me my vagina is dull! You're dull, mother fucker! YOU'RE DULL!!!

So on that note... That's all from me and my NOT AT ALL dull vagina!

Until next time... Here's wishing you all a 10 day erection!

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and here's one last disturbing image ...

Do I choose Viagra or "STREE OVERLORD"? I'd go with the Viagra... Unless you wanna turn into a muscle bound evil lizard man! But that could just be me and my dull vagina talking! :)

Oh and I think that big hard brown this is her knee... Which doesn't work... But whatever! 

THE END!

Smile if you take it in the ass!

Whenever I start a new blog post it usually begins with a theme... Where it goes after that, well that's anyone's guess, but I always begin with semi normal intentions and a generalized theme! Whenever I have spare time and I'm online I like to look for blog material. If I come across something strange and/ or funny I save it. Here's a collection of random finds that don't really fit into any category other than they either made me laugh or freaked me right the fuck out!!! Ummm... Enjoy?

Something for the boys... Or old men with a Viagra prescription!!!! How to pee with a boner!

I'd love to actually know what's going on here... I hope she didn't drink too much...  She looks like a nasty fucking drunk ... And a biter!

Little Miss Muffet.
Sat on her tuffet.
Eating her curds & whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her and...
He was like "Fucking god damn bitch! I'm just guna leave you the fuck alone!"

Wow! That is all!

... And this is why you should never fuck your hairdressers husband! 

It's call UNDERwear for a reason... Yikes!

You too, BITCH! Seriously, what the fuck!?!

His butt crack looks like a tiny little vagina! $10 says it doesn't smell like vagina though!

Is he trying to prove he doesn't take it in the ass?

Well, that's one way to get your hubby to stop taking you from behind! Unfortunately she's married to the dude in the picture above...

Ummm... Yeah!?

Ok so there's the dude trying to smuggle a basket ball in his shorts or there's Bride of Frankenstein ... Or 'Happy', as her friends call her... You pick the weirdo!

The real 'Joe Dirt'!

THIS is what I'm talking when I refer to 'back titties'
Just think... If she gave you head while you were standing, her back fat is in the shape of a love heart! And people say romance is dead! Pffft! 

He's shopping for condoms! Fucking WHY?!?

It's the ancient battle of the melting gut versus the hungry vagina!!! The victim? Her shorts!

Anyone else wanna rub his titties? No? 

YO! Check it! Hahaha! WEIRD!

Hahahaha! GOLD!

Yeah, thanks DAD! Fuck head!

Nar... I think he CAN get them a little higher! His poor vagina! Yeesh!

You heard the man!

... That stupid mole of a dressmaker fucked up my dress!
It's off white! I specifically said EGG SHELL!!! Christ! 

That's the same thing I said to Todd when we first met... 

No idea what's going on here! I think someone's taking the piss... Although, I may not make any sense if I had someone park their car on my privates?

I'm so confused... And extremely aroused!!!

Japan! Great fucking county!

This is what I may have to resort to get some more donations to my blog!  

I fell in love with this picture. Hopefully it'll make up for all the trauma caused from viewing the above!

Remember kiddies... Donations are most appreciated and are a fantastic preventative for sudden penile combustion! Fucking BOOM! Hahahaha! 

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

OMG! You're like totally 5% less bald than before!

How could you not want one?

FIRSTLY! FROM NOW UNTIL OCTOBER 31ST IF YOU DONATE $5 OR MORE TO MY BLOG (JUST CLICK THE DONATE BUTTON ON THE RIGHT) YOU GO IN THE RUNNING TO WIN AN IPOD NANO (6TH GEN WITH TOUCH SCREEN, RADIO, PEDOMETER, 8GB RRP $179) NO CATCHES IT'S BRAND NEW IN THE BOX. NEVER USED OR OPENED. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONATED YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE DRAW!!! GOOD LUCK & THANK YOU! PS each $5 gets you ONE entry. 2 entries for $10, 3 for $15 etc etc. I'm happy to send the IPOD overseas so everyone can donate and enter. It's AU$5! 

I was talking to Todd the other night and the subject of comb overs came up... Anyway... And I don't really know why, but comb overs make me really angry! It's just one of my many MANY oddities! So anyway... Comb overs... RAAARRRRR! I'm totally sympathetic to men losing their hairs (yes, I said HAIRS- coz when you're going bald you notice every single fucking follicle that decides to up and abandon your increasingly shiny little head!) and just because male pattern baldness has been accepted by society doesn't mean it's any easier on the poor dude whose losing his locks! HOWEVER...  Comb overs? Really, guys are you serious? You look absolutely fucking ridiculous and you aren't fooling anyone!!! No one has ever... EVER looked at a dude with a comb and thought 'Fuck me, that guy has really great fucking head of hair!' NO ONE! EVER!


 You obviously have a complex about having no hair. You may think people are judging you for being follicular-ly challenged or that they are appalled at your unabashed naked scalp openly parading in full view of small children but in reality no one cares! We've seen bald guys before... It's not shocking or memorable. That being said, if you really DO want to stand out and be judged and laughed at then the comb over is a great fucking move! You are guaranteed to draw attention to yourself in a way that just being bald will never do. Plus you can be sure you're rocking the shit out of that sexy paedophile chic, that all us women secretly desire! 


Now share the horror, the disgust, the seedy feelings and the humour of *BARM BARM BARRRM!* COMB OVERS UNLEASHED!!!

Dear Sir, In order to sport a 'successful' comb over, you must have enough hair to COMB the other hair OVER to... 

With a head like that, I hardly see why it matters, but with his money... WTF!?! Obviously he has that much money that no one will tell him he looks like a raging homo... Actually, no! No self respecting gay dude would EVER have that shit on their heads! He should change his name to Lester the Molester! Or maybe Donald Hump?

Why fucking bother? Wow you're like 5% less bald! It's like getting a full Brazilian wax but leaving a landing strip and letting it really bush up! It's just fucking weird!!! And it makes NO sense!

Now THAT's dedication!!! Yeah, dude coz no one's gunna notice that huge random part at the back of your head? FUCK HEAD!!! OMFG I would so scream at this guy if I saw him out in public! "Hey, fuck head! NICE FUCKING HAIR, FUCK HEAD!!! YEAH, YOU! YA FUCK HEAD!!!"

This is just like a half assed effort of the above! I respect the other dude more though coz at least he put a solid effort into looking completely out of touch with the modern free thinking world! EPIC FAIL!!!

Hahahahaha! His whole head is backwards. Or sideways? Or upside down? Fuck knows!!! Between his eyebrows and his hair I'm so so so lost! Hahahaha! Aaaannnnd! I'm back! Fucking freak!

So until next time my lovelies...


Please DONATE!


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo