Up to my arm pits in shit! Fucking LITERALLY!!!

First thing's first! I am currently typing this post on my epic new laptop! It is AWESOME-NESS personified! It is totally fucking mind blowing-ly turbo charged to the MAXIMUM possible extreme allowed by the laws of the universe!!! This would not be possible if not for the donations of some super fan-tab-u-lous people! They didn't have to help me, but they did anyway, for no other reason other than the fact that I asked. Their generosity amazed and surprised me and honestly, I am and always will be, forever thankful! Who are these wonderful giving, souls? Well, without further ado, I present my heroes! Yaaaaayyyyy! Weeeeeeee! Oh and if you enjoy my blog, then you owe them a thank you, too, otherwise there would be no blog! 

Hahaha WOW that's freaky!

And to everyone else who wanted to donate but couldn't, your support and encouragement was/ is amazing and means the world to me, so thank you! Honestly! THANK YOU!!! I'd be no where without my loyal, nutty and awesome readers!


NOW!!! On to the good stuff...


So, you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while (about 2 weeks- which for me is a life time!) I've been in a shitty funk so I didn't want to write a blog that lead to mass suicides or even worse, gave the impression I support emo-ism! Besides not wanting to write negative shit, I actually had NO desire to blog. NONE! This has never happened before! There's been times I've been tired or just not 'feeling it' so I've postponed posting for a day or 2 but this is totally different. The possibility of giving the whole blogging gig away altogether even seriously crossed my mind. I was just feeling OFF!

Yeah, a little like this... And a bit like... This...

But obviously, you're reading this... Which means I'm writing it... So, not all is totally lost. Before you freak out and heave your PC at a wall because you figure I'm going to go through every single shitty detail of why I'm in a poxy mood... Relax... I'm not going to bore you with my shit! Plus, I just popped a couple of Valium so I don't remember half of it anyway! Half of what!? Eg-fucking-zactly!

So ever since having my beautiful fat boy, Logie-Bear, almost 2 years ago I have been very un-awesome! I had a difficult pregnancy, which I basically went through alone because my hubby was working away 4 weeks at a time. Then I got post natal depression. Which is a mother fucker. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar movies made me hysterical and if anyone witnessed this, they would have been like... "Woah! That bitch needs a padded cell and some Enya STAT!" Although, I think the Enya would have pushed my right over the edge! So yeah that happened. My Prozac no longer worked...Booo! So, I went on a new drug and was ok.

My problem is, 2 years on, I feel fucked again and I don't feel like myself... At fucking all! It's not post natal (which I don't any more). I have depression. But, this is beyond depression and beyond post natal... There's a difference... Just trust me. I just feel shit! I eat fuck all and can't lose weight, I'm tired, I have headaches, blah blah blah. So I'm pretty sure I have a retarded thyroid! Fucking window licker! But, I wont know until Friday when I see my doc so fingers crossed it IS thyroid coz then I can get some drugs, make some appropriate changes and then, hopefully once again I can rock out with my cock out... Or jam out with my clam out... *Disclaimer there with be no actual clam exposure!

I think, not knowing and wanting to get this bullshit sorted is part of what's doing my head in. That and a whole heap of other crap that's happened in the last week.

So fingers crossed for me, please and I'll let you all know whats going on when I know!

Anyway! So last night I totally redefined the meaning of having a shit day! Like, fucking epically! Logan isn't really pro having his afternoon nap so once he's down for a sleep it's literally like no one make a god damn noise... If you have to fart or something... Don't... Or spread your cheeks and puff it out! One of the other rules is, I told Isabelle if she just does wees while he's asleep, don't flush. This is because she smashes the toilet seat down like it owes her money, climbs on it, flushes, usually while yelling 'Mummy, I flushed!'

Ok, so you get the picture... Logan's napping, Isabelle's gone to pee 'x' amount of times and I had to poop... Sorry but, it happens! I didn't even look in the bowl until I stood up to flush... I swear there was a fucking ROLL's worth of toilet paper in there. So, I flush the toilet and.... Blob blob blurb... The water fucking rises! I'm like FAAARK! I waited, hoping it would get it's shit together (excuse the pun) and go down, but no! Not owning a plunger, I tried to push it all down with the toilet brush... Which turns out wasn't long enough and just resulted in me dunking my hand in piss and shit as well as having nards embedded in the bristles of the brush... By this time, Todd's heard my panic and yelled from the lounge room asking "What the fuck, I was doing!?" I'm like "the toilets blocked! I'll fix it! Don't fucking go in there! I will fix it! DON'T GO IN THERE!!! He laughed at me and said "Jesus, woman! How big was your shit!?" I just yelled "FUCK UP, TODD!!!!"

So, I got a big stick that usually resides in my window sill, to try and jam the paper and shit down the 'S' bend... It wasn't flexible enough... So I ran out the back, (while once again reiterating to Todd "don't you fucking go in there!") to cut off a length of garden hose... Longer than than the stick... And flexible! It. Did. Not. Work!!!


So, I did what I had to do when faced with a bowl full of my shit and piss... I went in... I faced my shit demon! Well, my arm did... I know, I know! Fucking gross! So, I basically looked like one of those farmers who puts their arm up a cow... I'm slowly moving chunks of toilet paper and shit around, while thinking... Not much really, other than turd, turd, paper, turd, paper... Then finally, after what seemed like 4 hours, and throwing my shoulder out from contorting my arm to the shape of the 'S' bend, the fucker unblocked and it all went down the shitter... Literally!

This was followed by me scrubbing my arm like I was prepping for surgery, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing my arm again, pine-o-cleen-ing my entire arm, yelling to Todd "I never want to be a plumber!", before showering... Vigorously...Taking a handful Valium (with my LEFT hand- just in case), followed by trying not to crap ever again! So, before you tell me 'you had a shit week".... SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking hell no, you didn't!!!

Totally me... I wasn't rocking the devilish smile, though! (At least, I don't think so... I couldn't see my own face- No mirror in my crapper... Any more.)

ALMOST ME! Except no stilettos... And this chick has no arse... Or vagina?

So, there you have it! I apologise if you vomited!


Until next time (which hopefully wont be so fucking long!)...


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Smile if you take it in the ass!

Whenever I start a new blog post it usually begins with a theme... Where it goes after that, well that's anyone's guess, but I always begin with semi normal intentions and a generalized theme! Whenever I have spare time and I'm online I like to look for blog material. If I come across something strange and/ or funny I save it. Here's a collection of random finds that don't really fit into any category other than they either made me laugh or freaked me right the fuck out!!! Ummm... Enjoy?

Something for the boys... Or old men with a Viagra prescription!!!! How to pee with a boner!

I'd love to actually know what's going on here... I hope she didn't drink too much...  She looks like a nasty fucking drunk ... And a biter!

Little Miss Muffet.
Sat on her tuffet.
Eating her curds & whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her and...
He was like "Fucking god damn bitch! I'm just guna leave you the fuck alone!"

Wow! That is all!

... And this is why you should never fuck your hairdressers husband! 

It's call UNDERwear for a reason... Yikes!

You too, BITCH! Seriously, what the fuck!?!

His butt crack looks like a tiny little vagina! $10 says it doesn't smell like vagina though!

Is he trying to prove he doesn't take it in the ass?

Well, that's one way to get your hubby to stop taking you from behind! Unfortunately she's married to the dude in the picture above...

Ummm... Yeah!?

Ok so there's the dude trying to smuggle a basket ball in his shorts or there's Bride of Frankenstein ... Or 'Happy', as her friends call her... You pick the weirdo!

The real 'Joe Dirt'!

THIS is what I'm talking when I refer to 'back titties'
Just think... If she gave you head while you were standing, her back fat is in the shape of a love heart! And people say romance is dead! Pffft! 

He's shopping for condoms! Fucking WHY?!?

It's the ancient battle of the melting gut versus the hungry vagina!!! The victim? Her shorts!

Anyone else wanna rub his titties? No? 

YO! Check it! Hahaha! WEIRD!

Hahahaha! GOLD!

Yeah, thanks DAD! Fuck head!

Nar... I think he CAN get them a little higher! His poor vagina! Yeesh!

You heard the man!

... That stupid mole of a dressmaker fucked up my dress!
It's off white! I specifically said EGG SHELL!!! Christ! 

That's the same thing I said to Todd when we first met... 

No idea what's going on here! I think someone's taking the piss... Although, I may not make any sense if I had someone park their car on my privates?

I'm so confused... And extremely aroused!!!

Japan! Great fucking county!

This is what I may have to resort to get some more donations to my blog!  

I fell in love with this picture. Hopefully it'll make up for all the trauma caused from viewing the above!

Remember kiddies... Donations are most appreciated and are a fantastic preventative for sudden penile combustion! Fucking BOOM! Hahahaha! 

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

OMG! You're like totally 5% less bald than before!

How could you not want one?

FIRSTLY! FROM NOW UNTIL OCTOBER 31ST IF YOU DONATE $5 OR MORE TO MY BLOG (JUST CLICK THE DONATE BUTTON ON THE RIGHT) YOU GO IN THE RUNNING TO WIN AN IPOD NANO (6TH GEN WITH TOUCH SCREEN, RADIO, PEDOMETER, 8GB RRP $179) NO CATCHES IT'S BRAND NEW IN THE BOX. NEVER USED OR OPENED. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONATED YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE DRAW!!! GOOD LUCK & THANK YOU! PS each $5 gets you ONE entry. 2 entries for $10, 3 for $15 etc etc. I'm happy to send the IPOD overseas so everyone can donate and enter. It's AU$5! 

I was talking to Todd the other night and the subject of comb overs came up... Anyway... And I don't really know why, but comb overs make me really angry! It's just one of my many MANY oddities! So anyway... Comb overs... RAAARRRRR! I'm totally sympathetic to men losing their hairs (yes, I said HAIRS- coz when you're going bald you notice every single fucking follicle that decides to up and abandon your increasingly shiny little head!) and just because male pattern baldness has been accepted by society doesn't mean it's any easier on the poor dude whose losing his locks! HOWEVER...  Comb overs? Really, guys are you serious? You look absolutely fucking ridiculous and you aren't fooling anyone!!! No one has ever... EVER looked at a dude with a comb and thought 'Fuck me, that guy has really great fucking head of hair!' NO ONE! EVER!


 You obviously have a complex about having no hair. You may think people are judging you for being follicular-ly challenged or that they are appalled at your unabashed naked scalp openly parading in full view of small children but in reality no one cares! We've seen bald guys before... It's not shocking or memorable. That being said, if you really DO want to stand out and be judged and laughed at then the comb over is a great fucking move! You are guaranteed to draw attention to yourself in a way that just being bald will never do. Plus you can be sure you're rocking the shit out of that sexy paedophile chic, that all us women secretly desire! 


Now share the horror, the disgust, the seedy feelings and the humour of *BARM BARM BARRRM!* COMB OVERS UNLEASHED!!!

Dear Sir, In order to sport a 'successful' comb over, you must have enough hair to COMB the other hair OVER to... 

With a head like that, I hardly see why it matters, but with his money... WTF!?! Obviously he has that much money that no one will tell him he looks like a raging homo... Actually, no! No self respecting gay dude would EVER have that shit on their heads! He should change his name to Lester the Molester! Or maybe Donald Hump?

Why fucking bother? Wow you're like 5% less bald! It's like getting a full Brazilian wax but leaving a landing strip and letting it really bush up! It's just fucking weird!!! And it makes NO sense!

Now THAT's dedication!!! Yeah, dude coz no one's gunna notice that huge random part at the back of your head? FUCK HEAD!!! OMFG I would so scream at this guy if I saw him out in public! "Hey, fuck head! NICE FUCKING HAIR, FUCK HEAD!!! YEAH, YOU! YA FUCK HEAD!!!"

This is just like a half assed effort of the above! I respect the other dude more though coz at least he put a solid effort into looking completely out of touch with the modern free thinking world! EPIC FAIL!!!

Hahahahaha! His whole head is backwards. Or sideways? Or upside down? Fuck knows!!! Between his eyebrows and his hair I'm so so so lost! Hahahaha! Aaaannnnd! I'm back! Fucking freak!

So until next time my lovelies...


Please DONATE!


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Nice underwear! Now drop 'em and bark like a chicken!

Ok, so it's come to light that my thought processes are a little... Eeerrr erratic... But, I do have ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and I'm naturally unhinged, not to mention being genetically pre-dispositioned to occasionally thinking I'm a chicken.. BERGUUUUUURK... Anyway so as you can image I hop from from vacuum cleaning to penis pasta in a few short milliseconds! I often get asked how the fuck I end up at whatever fucked up conclusion I end up ending up at... What? Hahaha... Hmmmm... *Weird silence* Anyway... I made a mind map! 

Unfortunately when I've gone to put it on my blog it's too fucking small to read but, FEAR NOT! I'll walk you through it! I was watching TV and an ad for American Idol came on. Jennifer Lopez was 'performing' and something, quite literally jumped out of the screen and slapped my pretty little face! She had some serious MC Hammer, circa 1990-1992, crotch drape going on! It honestly looked like she was smuggling a small child in there! Then I remembered she's married to that Hispanic rat looking mother fucker, Mark Anthony and I concluded that he was about the same size of a small child and it was most likely him bunking in her squirrel covers! 

This whole traumatic experience started a chain reaction of electrical reactions in my squishy area.... GREY SQUISHY!!! Not pink squishy... Wait! What? Ok rewind! Electrical reaction in my brain... I looked at J. Lo's pants and thought "is she trying to revive the whole 90's, happy pants, yes my penis is that big I require the extra room, MC Hammer up in ya ho spanner" trend? Then I thought about good old MC Hammer (Hahaha McHammer) and I wondered what the fuck he was thinking when he put that shit on and was like "fuck yeah, I dig it!" This made me think about bad fashion in general, which then (naturally) lead to funny undies, funny undies lead to tits (of course), which lead to people getting arrested with their tits out. This then turned into mugshots. Mugshots equaled bad hair... So there! Hurts ya head doesn't it? And to think that THAT was the simplified version!

My brain> Me watching TV and seeing J Lo's gruesome gaping groin> MC Hammer> Bad fashion> Funny underwear> Tits> Mug shots> Bad hair = My blog!!!

Call them whatever you want... She looks like she's done a huge dump in her shiny diaper!
Looking at this picture of MC Hammer, I'm glad he went broke... For his own safety and for ours!

Hahahaha! Nunnery Couture- The Paedophile's Collection!

... I think that women's skirt is coming onto me!?

What the fuck and why! Asians! I love them!!! PS I'm taking the Nan on the left! Fuck yes!!!

The model on the left is thinking "why didn't I take the god damn Nip bra job!?"

Aaahahaha! Sorry! 

Ok so what's going on here? Top left is the delightful range of... I'm gunna call them Flange Panties! Why? I don't fucking know! I think they're for weird men who like fugly vagina's!
The bottom left pic- Ummm Airbags?
The pic on the right- Is it just me or does that look like a HUGE pair of pink balls!? Or possibly a vagina with VERY swollen flaps!?

These are mug shots!!! It's bitches like these that seriously make me wanna go down... Down... Down to Pussy Town!!! FUCKING NOT!!! 

Arrrr... Yeah?

I think it's a women?

Aaaahahaha! I want the Dolly Parton!

Do these fuckers own a mirror?

Spock is not impressed! Ha!

Wow! Did you know you can wear your hair as hat!? Well ya do now!

So there you have it! From J. Lo to hat fro... Hahaha! That rhymes! There's my thoughts in pictures and all lubed up and bloggerised! 

 On that note... Until next time...


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and one last thing.......

AAAAHAHAHAHA!!! The one is the middle looks like a bum!