Chunky Asses!

Fucking hell! It's been 6 weeks since I last posted a blog! 6 god damn mother fucking weeks! Not acceptable! Not fucking acceptable... "What's your glitch bitch?", I hear you screaming, while you repeatably head butt your computer screen and possibly thumb your own butt!? My answer: Fuck knows!


I started this whole diet and exercise bullshit about the same time I stopped actively blogging so my theory is... I can only really concentrate on one thing at a time... Even if that one thing is thinking up an excuse NOT to get my chunky white ass on my treadmill. I've been on this health kick shit for about 6 weeks. I've lost 4 kilos...Which is bullshit considering the amount I DON'T eat, the drugs I'm on to help my skinny quest plus considering how chunkified I am, the weight should be falling off at this stage... So yeah, fucking frustrated! There's always guna be something chaffing my ass... This week, it's that! I think, also the main thing that's pissing me off is there's so many different, extreme, fucked up, miracle promising, bullshit diet/ exercise regimes and I'm just like... Surely it can't be that fucking hard! There's low carbs, no carbs, no fat, calorie counting, calorie cycling, counting points, weird hormone injections, juice diets, diets without juice, diet pills, diet patches, etc etc. But enough about me and my constant struggle to try and run away from my own ass!


Right! Now for some funny shit! No real theme to this post... Just some randomness and bit of haha! Enjoy, my faithful little butt sluts! (Don't worry if you're not into the butt sluttery... There's always time! Mwahaha!)

This is fucking hilarious because 'Jason' remains completely clueless as to WTF the joke is! 5 gold stars to 'Adam' for taking the piss in such a fantastic and unrelenting fashion!
It's bumps on your dick! Hahaha! 

WHAT THE FUCK is a non gender child???

At first, I thought this was funny due to the EPIC camel toe of the chick in the full body Lycra suit thingy... Until, I noticed the chick behind them ramming her hand in her own ass! Personally, I prefer to keep my phone in my bag or my bra! 

Ummm... Even if I was pro anal and/ or seeing a blue dog with a pole coming out of it's ass, this is still really fucking weird!

Just in case you can't read this note:
"I AM RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE YOU THINK I FARTED WHEN I DIDN'T. PS YOU ARE MEAN.
I laughed my ass off when I read this. Then I showed Todd, and he also shared the giggles... I went on t say, 'If i found this note from one of our kids, I'd laugh for like an hour and then go and look for them... Todd said I should look first, then laugh... I was like, "Pffft... You go out and look I'll stay home and laugh about the kid/s leaving home because of some hilarious mistaken fart incident!
FART-GATE 2011!
 Bags the rights to the movie version!

Hahahaha! But, seriously that would not be something you'd expect to see in your rear view mirror!

Aaaahahahaha! I don't know what the fuck to say about this one!

WHAT?!? and WHY!?!

Seems legit!?

Asians: World leaders in permanently and thoroughly fucking up young children!

Nothing funny about this... It's just way too cute not to share! 

  

So that's it for now, Kiddies! I will definitely not wait another 6 weeks before posting another blog, PROMISE!!! 


Until then...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Up to my arm pits in shit! Fucking LITERALLY!!!

First thing's first! I am currently typing this post on my epic new laptop! It is AWESOME-NESS personified! It is totally fucking mind blowing-ly turbo charged to the MAXIMUM possible extreme allowed by the laws of the universe!!! This would not be possible if not for the donations of some super fan-tab-u-lous people! They didn't have to help me, but they did anyway, for no other reason other than the fact that I asked. Their generosity amazed and surprised me and honestly, I am and always will be, forever thankful! Who are these wonderful giving, souls? Well, without further ado, I present my heroes! Yaaaaayyyyy! Weeeeeeee! Oh and if you enjoy my blog, then you owe them a thank you, too, otherwise there would be no blog! 

Hahaha WOW that's freaky!

And to everyone else who wanted to donate but couldn't, your support and encouragement was/ is amazing and means the world to me, so thank you! Honestly! THANK YOU!!! I'd be no where without my loyal, nutty and awesome readers!


NOW!!! On to the good stuff...


So, you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while (about 2 weeks- which for me is a life time!) I've been in a shitty funk so I didn't want to write a blog that lead to mass suicides or even worse, gave the impression I support emo-ism! Besides not wanting to write negative shit, I actually had NO desire to blog. NONE! This has never happened before! There's been times I've been tired or just not 'feeling it' so I've postponed posting for a day or 2 but this is totally different. The possibility of giving the whole blogging gig away altogether even seriously crossed my mind. I was just feeling OFF!

Yeah, a little like this... And a bit like... This...

But obviously, you're reading this... Which means I'm writing it... So, not all is totally lost. Before you freak out and heave your PC at a wall because you figure I'm going to go through every single shitty detail of why I'm in a poxy mood... Relax... I'm not going to bore you with my shit! Plus, I just popped a couple of Valium so I don't remember half of it anyway! Half of what!? Eg-fucking-zactly!

So ever since having my beautiful fat boy, Logie-Bear, almost 2 years ago I have been very un-awesome! I had a difficult pregnancy, which I basically went through alone because my hubby was working away 4 weeks at a time. Then I got post natal depression. Which is a mother fucker. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar movies made me hysterical and if anyone witnessed this, they would have been like... "Woah! That bitch needs a padded cell and some Enya STAT!" Although, I think the Enya would have pushed my right over the edge! So yeah that happened. My Prozac no longer worked...Booo! So, I went on a new drug and was ok.

My problem is, 2 years on, I feel fucked again and I don't feel like myself... At fucking all! It's not post natal (which I don't any more). I have depression. But, this is beyond depression and beyond post natal... There's a difference... Just trust me. I just feel shit! I eat fuck all and can't lose weight, I'm tired, I have headaches, blah blah blah. So I'm pretty sure I have a retarded thyroid! Fucking window licker! But, I wont know until Friday when I see my doc so fingers crossed it IS thyroid coz then I can get some drugs, make some appropriate changes and then, hopefully once again I can rock out with my cock out... Or jam out with my clam out... *Disclaimer there with be no actual clam exposure!

I think, not knowing and wanting to get this bullshit sorted is part of what's doing my head in. That and a whole heap of other crap that's happened in the last week.

So fingers crossed for me, please and I'll let you all know whats going on when I know!

Anyway! So last night I totally redefined the meaning of having a shit day! Like, fucking epically! Logan isn't really pro having his afternoon nap so once he's down for a sleep it's literally like no one make a god damn noise... If you have to fart or something... Don't... Or spread your cheeks and puff it out! One of the other rules is, I told Isabelle if she just does wees while he's asleep, don't flush. This is because she smashes the toilet seat down like it owes her money, climbs on it, flushes, usually while yelling 'Mummy, I flushed!'

Ok, so you get the picture... Logan's napping, Isabelle's gone to pee 'x' amount of times and I had to poop... Sorry but, it happens! I didn't even look in the bowl until I stood up to flush... I swear there was a fucking ROLL's worth of toilet paper in there. So, I flush the toilet and.... Blob blob blurb... The water fucking rises! I'm like FAAARK! I waited, hoping it would get it's shit together (excuse the pun) and go down, but no! Not owning a plunger, I tried to push it all down with the toilet brush... Which turns out wasn't long enough and just resulted in me dunking my hand in piss and shit as well as having nards embedded in the bristles of the brush... By this time, Todd's heard my panic and yelled from the lounge room asking "What the fuck, I was doing!?" I'm like "the toilets blocked! I'll fix it! Don't fucking go in there! I will fix it! DON'T GO IN THERE!!! He laughed at me and said "Jesus, woman! How big was your shit!?" I just yelled "FUCK UP, TODD!!!!"

So, I got a big stick that usually resides in my window sill, to try and jam the paper and shit down the 'S' bend... It wasn't flexible enough... So I ran out the back, (while once again reiterating to Todd "don't you fucking go in there!") to cut off a length of garden hose... Longer than than the stick... And flexible! It. Did. Not. Work!!!


So, I did what I had to do when faced with a bowl full of my shit and piss... I went in... I faced my shit demon! Well, my arm did... I know, I know! Fucking gross! So, I basically looked like one of those farmers who puts their arm up a cow... I'm slowly moving chunks of toilet paper and shit around, while thinking... Not much really, other than turd, turd, paper, turd, paper... Then finally, after what seemed like 4 hours, and throwing my shoulder out from contorting my arm to the shape of the 'S' bend, the fucker unblocked and it all went down the shitter... Literally!

This was followed by me scrubbing my arm like I was prepping for surgery, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing my arm again, pine-o-cleen-ing my entire arm, yelling to Todd "I never want to be a plumber!", before showering... Vigorously...Taking a handful Valium (with my LEFT hand- just in case), followed by trying not to crap ever again! So, before you tell me 'you had a shit week".... SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking hell no, you didn't!!!

Totally me... I wasn't rocking the devilish smile, though! (At least, I don't think so... I couldn't see my own face- No mirror in my crapper... Any more.)

ALMOST ME! Except no stilettos... And this chick has no arse... Or vagina?

So, there you have it! I apologise if you vomited!


Until next time (which hopefully wont be so fucking long!)...


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Jen's 50-ish Life Rules For Winners!

Bare with me, for a moment while I step out of the twilight zone...I'll get back to that in a minute. But first, it could be to do with the fact that I'm on like 6 different kinds of counter productive drugs, or it could be the fact that it's late at night and whilst, normally I have no fucking attention span, due to some freak occurrence that almost always happens after midnight and always when I am alone... For some reason, I become VERY easy to please in regards to what TV programs I will watch... Which is pretty much anything. I guess it's kind of like being stoned... Except not at all. Confused? Yeah, I'm totally fucking lost. Wow... And I'm back.... Ok, so I can sit there and watch something, I am NOT enjoying at fucking all, for long periods of time and usually with my mouth agape... Literally... I look like one of those 'real' sex dolls... Except my vagina isn't removable... Actually, that was an overly bold statement, considering I've never tried removing it. Hang on... Yeah, it's most definitely NOT removable...

Something like this... But less Asian!

Lost again! Where was I? Twilight zone. Drugs. Midnight. Drugs (again). TV. Stoned. NO. Lost. Found myself. Mouth open. Sex doll... Vagina! Ok, yes! So, I can sit and watch fucking SHIT... Intensely. Intensely? Either intensely or it's the most awake form of being asleep there is... Whatever! I fucking told you to bare with me! Twilight zone! Ok so, I was literally just in my lounge room before I started this and I had only walked in there to turn the TV down but not off as I like a little background noise as I search for free porn... Not really... 


I'm not that interesting. So I walk in, turn the TV down (well, technically the stereo) as planned... Then instead of walking back out, I sit down... What was this shit? I wondered. It's shit, why do you care? Walk away! Get up and walk the fuck away! You have shit to do and its late, just walk the fuck away! But no, I sit down... Now thankfully I only sat down to watch this 'shit' for like 5 minutes tops... But normally... Before midnight, 2 seconds and I'd be like "NO! Fuck off!" But, it was after midnight and I was enamoured with this crap-fest! I even pressed the 'info' button on the remote and found out it was 'The Pirates of Penzance'... In the 5 minutes that followed I learnt 3 things...

Yes, this shit!

                                                                                                                                                                
1) Apparently all pirates are raging homo-sexuals? I mean, I'm not surprised... All those men out at sea, no women, wooden legs left and right. All that wood! Mmm! Scurvy and wood! WOOD. Wood is good! Would you... Fucking aye... Wow and once again... Right outta left field... If I went any more left of field I'd end up... Right!? 


2) Angela Lansbury, shits the fuck out of me. It's her fucking head! God, it fucks me right the fuck off! This 2nd fact took me totally by surprise. I've never much thought about the woman before tonight but for the 30seconds she was in the 5 minutes worth of the movie, I watched I wanted her to feel pain and, I wanted to cause it! Wait... Is she dead? I just Googled it... No she's not dead. How is that possible? She must be like 180! What the fuck? Devils work that is! How is she not dead yet? Hmmm project! I'm kidding! I am not going to whack the 'Murder, She Wrote' lady! Maybe just some mild stalking and 1 or 2 well time kicks in the head... And

3) I want Kevin Kline's thigh high boots...Not specifically the ones he was wearing... I do not wish to share musty thigh odours with old Kev-bo! Plus I'm like 5" 1' so thigh high boots on him would end up being labia high boots on me... Friction.... Mmm... And it brings new meaning to the story of puss in boots, doesn't it?

Anyway! So, I feel better now that I've shared my feelings about that! In this post I am giving you 50-ish rules to live by... Or die trying... Although that kind of defeats the purpose so stay alive mmm-kay!?! Some of these are borrowed. Some are from friends but most of them are mine! ENJOY!!!


* If you have to tell everyone how fantastic you are... Then you're not!


* Don't put yourself down. There's plenty of people willing to do it for you! If you are one of those people who puts themselves down, hoping for a compliment... Everyone is onto your shit, or they soon will be! Grow up!


* Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are good for you. The right person should make you a better person, without you faking it or having to try. If you bring out the worst in each other, it'll never work!

* Don't use the 'N' word! It's fucking disgusting and either makes you look like a fucking try hard Eminem wannabe or just an ignorant fuck. It's not, so much that it's racist but that the people who 1st used were ALL inbred child molesters and fucking brain dead bigots, who believed themselves superior because they ran slow, had small penises and could get sun burnt!


* Girls... You either show legs or boobs... Not both. Any shorts that hurt you vag are not a good choice. Any skirt that isn't allergy safe is also a bad idea.. What the fuck is allergy safe? Well, if there's any risk of you sneezing and your twot popping out... It isn't allergy safe! Also if you plan on getting smashed (although, I advise against this as it's not a good look) wear pants and secure your boobies in place!

I can still see your wonky eye!!!

* Boys: in a dessert island/ life in prison type situation... Remember you're only gay if you receive. Coz then your butt hole takes on the role of the vagina!


* Don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face... They'll ALWAYS find out!


* If you want something to stay a secret... Don't tell ANYONE.


* Also, if you want everyone to know something just tell someone it's a secret... Everyone will know by lunch time.


* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed.


* A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


* No man has ever been shot whilst doing the dishes.


* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


* Never lick a steak knife.


* If you find an insurance policy with death AND dismemberment cover... Buy it!


* Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex, by asking her 'if she wants to have sex.'


* Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.

WHY???

* Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.


* Also, don't get a tattoo on your penis or of your penis.


* If you are suss about someone... Shut the fuck the up! It's amazing the shit people will tell you, just to avoid an uncomfortable silence!


* Never stay in a motel... But if you must make sure there are no paintings of either Roy Orbison or John Wayne on the walls.


* Never wear a bow tie... Only 2 kinds of people wear bow ties... Pee wee Herman (who looks like a child molester) and clowns! Who ARE child molesters! Get my point!?


* If, while with friends, your partner gives you that look like you should just shut the fuck up... NEVER EVER say 'WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR!?" Trust me, you'll find out later!


* Spell check and read your resume at least 3 times before sending it to anyone! I have gotten jobs based on my fuck up free resume!




* Don't ever wear bra's or shoes that don't fit


* Check your make-up in at least 3 different lighting schemes when going anywhere where other people are taking photos


* Always try and have all pictures of yourself taken on YOUR camera... That way you can delete the shitty ones!


* Anyone who tells you "you look like an interesting person" has imagined sticking large un-lubed objects in your anus!


* You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

* Girls! Your eyebrows Should be in perfect proportion to the rest of your face... So many of you of you have it so so wrong! The picture to the left is a FULL-PROOF guide to shaping your brows! Get a long thin make-up brush or a pencil. Hold it in line with your nose as per line 1 in the picture. Your brows should start directly in line with the outer corner of your nose. Keep the brush next to your nose and turn it out so it sits on the outer corner of your eye. This is where your brows should end. As per line 3. As for the arch or highest point of your brows, look straight ahead. The outer edge of your iris (the coloured part) is where your arch should be as per line 2. See! Easy! Don't over pluck. You'll like like a crack head.


* Long hair is almost always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair... By then you're stuck with them. The hair gets shorter and the pants get higher!




*NEVER, for any reason cry during or after sex... It's just weird!


* Men believe that yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


* Girls! If a man says something that you can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, they usually meant it the other way.


* If somethings smells it's either really good cheese or really bad meat... If it's anything besides cheese... Don't eat it!


* ALWAYS listen to your gut! 99% of the time it's right. The other 1% of the time you probably just need to take a shit!


* Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.


* You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners. 


* Falling in love is a sure way to gain 10 kilos. 


* Getting dumped is a sure way to lose 10 kilos. 


* Every one's better looking when they're younger... Unless they're not!

Old age is a mother fucker!

* Boys, if you decide to set the mood by lighting candles... Only light however many candles you can, in half the time it takes you to "complete" your "transaction"... I'm talking about EJACULATION!!!


* Never talk to down to your partner, especially in front of your mates... If they're half decent mates this will make them think less of you.


* You should NEVER insult someone in their own home! If you wanna insult them, invite them to your's!


* There's always someone better looking, nicer, smarter, richer and better in bed than you... Don't hate them for it, coz there's someone who is better than them too!


* Always wash your arm pits and ass crack/dick and balls/ muff twice... Once when you first get into the shower and once just before you get out.

THAT is what the sun does to your skin!

* Sun cream stops you from getting burnt! Not from getting tanned! Wear it! Unless looking like an old dude's leathery brown nut sack sounds like a good look for a 40 yea old!


* Don't add work colleagues (especially bosses) or family members on Facebook. Family are not friends. They are family. They don't find jokes about you loving anal or smoking crack like a mother fucker, amusing and chances are, being family they're already convinced your a crackhead whore before you wrote about it on Facebook.


* Don't share every aspect of your life on a social network and then suddenly wonder how every mother fucker who can read seems to know everything about your life!


* In a job interview when asked what your WORST habit is never tell the truth! It's a trick question! I've always gone with: I'm a bit of a perfectionist with an attention to detail and I annoy myself, sometimes! It's answering the question but really, and it's not a bad thing.



* Never stick your hand, where you wouldn't stick your dick! (You can stick you dildo any where you like.)

Relevant? No! Funny? Yes!

So... That's it! My advice on... Well, a bit of everything really!

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Fucking, Night Ops!

Me and my video camera (which doesn't actually use 'video technology', so shall hence forth be known as my Handycam... Which is convenient coz that's what Sony and a few hundred thousand other people call it)... Where was I!? Oh yeah... Me and my Handycam have a weird relationship... It has nothing to do with home made porn or me filming my neighbour molesting his cat... When my Handycam is in night vision mode it sends me into a bit of a giggly, pre-pubescent, James Bond-ish, ninja, cartwheeling on a fruit cake, weirdo, butt slut (without any actual ninjas. Or fruit cake or anal... Ok, maybe just a little bit of anal!?) Anyway... Me in night vision... It always makes me think I missed my true calling... When I'm in looking at myself in night vision my brown eyes become green and for some reason I have really fucking shiny teeth! Like REALLY really fucking shiny? I must admit... I find myself rather hypnotic and mesmerising. The first time I saw myself looking back at... Myself (?) in that sexy post apocalyptic nuclear war greenish radioactive hue, of what the French call 'le noire vision' (not really) I immediately thought... Fucking night ops... That's what I need to do... Just to be clear, it's not 'fucking' night ops... It's more like FUCKING GOD DAMN! Night ops! Like the Navy SEALS or SAS or whatever it is... I was like... I could totally swoon all the terrorists! I'd be like 'hey, terrorists! Look at my green eyes... And ridiculously shiny teeth! Then Boom! Explosions! WAR OVER! But during the day... Brown eyes! I wouldn't have to worry about being caught because even if they did question me, they'd be like... She's not the one... Her eyes are brown and her teeth are not nearly shiny enough! Let the big breasted on go! And like fucking ka-blam! I go onto fight another day! Not to mention, I love wearing all black outfits! It's the perfect crime! Almost too perfect... Mwaaahahahahahaha! Mwaahahaha! *Weird silence* MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Hmmm...  

Forgive my horrible 1 dimensional "art"... The blue lines represent me running... Not a bad case of gas! Ps... If I changed the ninja outfit from black to green... I totally look like a Ninja Turtle!

                                                                                                           
Why am I telling you this? Well because I had the above conversation, pretty much word for word, with myself (on camera) and it makes me feel a little less crazy if I share it with you... Why? I dunno. Why are you still asking me logical questions? Isn't it clear that I'm not stable?! There are no logical answers to the questions you ask!

Talking about logic and shit that just doesn't add up... I had to take Logie-Bear to PMH (children's hospital) the other day for his eye appointment... Longest 2 hours of my fucking life! Isabelle was complaining that her shoes hurt and Logan ate the crayons at the activity desk in the waiting room. Then he ran down the hallway and into someones office & yelled at them 'heeeeeey' like he was the Fonz. Then he kept farting while they tested his eyes. Then he climbed on the chair next to me and found the light switches and turned off half the lights in the massive waiting room area! When he wasn't trying to escape, or trying to fuck shit up, he was yelling at random people or screaming at the top of his lungs! He is out of control! I love him to death but once he sets his mind on something... You can let him scream it out, you can hold him down... You can shoot him with a baby rhino tranquilizer dart... But as soon as he gets a chance he'll go right back to what he wants to do.

So he screamed and screamed like a baby pig being lead to slaughter! The looks, I got! Like it's my choice to be the mother of devil boy! Anyway, so after all that we got into see the STUPID Asian doctor. He didn't even acknowledge Logan as a little person. He was like "yeah,he has a squint. He needs surgery. Make him wear an eye patch on his good eye for an hour a day for the next 6 months, then come back and see me." Yeah ok... So what's the eye patch for? Other than making him look like a fat little pirate!? Is there a chance that the bad eye, if forced to work harder will correct itself? The Dr, was like "no, it's to strengthen his vision"... Wait... What? We just got told his vision is fine. "It is", said the doc... But I'm thinking, if the sight in his lazy eye is fucked... No amount of exercising it will restore any lost vision... Vision doesn't work that (I don't think?). Once it's fucked, it's fucked. So after asking this Dr, 6 different ways what the fuck the eye patch was for, we still don't know. According to him, Logan's vision is fine and we can't do anything for his squint except for surgery. The eye patch is suppose to help strengthen his vision... Which is fine... Huh? Even if he did have trouble seeing, which he doesn't, I don't see how the eye patch would help... After all if that's all it took you'd have blind people, the world over rocking the pirate look in hopes of strengthening their vision!? 

So I'm getting a second opinion. From someone who speaks English! There's no way in fuck I could get fatty to wear an eye patch without him ripping it off... Anything strong enough to prevent him from fucking with it, would tear his skin when I had to remove it! So basically we waited 9 fucking months for an appointment, just for me to get looked at like my baby is the devil and to be told he needs rock the pirate look for the next 6 months!? No fucking thanks.

So, that's was my week! 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Vulva-licious!

Firstly, to those of you dying to know the outcome from the events I covered in my last post, "Boners? Bargain!"  Yes, 'Hard Ten Days' worked... I was surprised at how well it worked! It was kinda like freaky erection... I thought Todd's dick was guna jump out of it's skin... I actually laughed at it for a considerable amount of time... Which surprisingly, didn't effect his freaky porn boner one iota! That being said I think they should change it's name from 'Hard Ten Days' to 'Can't Walk Two Weeks'! Hahaha... If you catch my drift... 


So for those who wanted to know. Yes it absolutely worked and it's quite cheap too! Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below or emailed to me at jenbear1985@gmail.com... Just put Hard Ten Days Questions in the subject line so I don't think your message is SPAM and delete it!
Ok so my last post was pretty much all about dick... But I did briefly touch on a product called, 'YING DA WANG', which is for females. If you remember, this product claimed to... 
'Increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....' 
Which got me thinking: what other sorts of warped and (not so) wonderful products are out there for the fairer sex? This question was soon answered accompanied with fits of giggles from myself as I realised my naivety in regards to the 'wonderful' world of lotions, potions, perfumes, devices, soaps and pills available for your humble run of the mill vagina!

So without any further ado...


Name: JAMU SOAP (Sabun Sari KESED)
Use: This soap claims to tighten your vagina!
Sales Pitch: Rules of Use- Soaped at interior femininity flatten and hushed for a few minutes, rinsed last / to be washed until cleanness.

Benefits:
1. Creating harmony in the household, husband and wife happiness
2. Absorb excessive mucus
3. Make vagina becomes kesed
4. Eradicating germs in the vagina
5. Eliminate unpleasant odors
6. Eliminate black mole-mole between your thighs 7. Eliminating the smell of sweat is not good

Ok... So how do you use it? Wait, who cares! I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IS KESED!? MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS BLACK MOLE-MOLE between your thighs? Hahahaha! Someone help me! I can't breathe! 

Name: Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream (No, it's not glue like I originally thought)

Use: Once again... Vaginal Tightening!
Sales Pitch: Apply a liberal amount of Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Sure Grip Tighten Her       Cream also works as a deodorant and disinfectant. It   also claims to "Tighten your vagina, like the first time... For that Honeymoon fit!" 

I still think it sounds like glue! Plus one of the ingredients is a mold repellent... Nothing says confidence like a mold free vagina!? I discovered a whole range of these vag creams! All with highly amusing names like: 18 again, Tight stuff, China shrink cream, Snuggles, Crazy girl wanna be tight! I think Crazy Girl has to be my favourite! 

Name: Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

Use: My guess... Pumping the pussy!

Sales pitch: Super-sensitise your vagina for extreme levels of pleasure! The Doc Johnson Pussy pump is easy to use and will enlarge your vagina making it super sensitive. Unlike other pump the Doc Johnson version has a patented removable valve allowing you pump it up to create a vacuum and then remove the hose and it will keep its seal.

I just find it hilarious that's there's obviously a whole group of women out there trying to make their vagina's smaller then I find something like this which is obviously aimed at a crowd who are trying to make the puss bigger!? I LIKE ZE BIIIIG PUSSY!!! Ahahahaha! Say that with a Grace Jones voice (MOVIE: Boomerang) for maximum laugh-ability!


Name: Vaginal Electrode! WOAH!
Use: I think it's to exercise your vag?
Sales Pitch: An intra-vaginal probe for muscle stimulation and biofeedback. It is supplied complete with an additional stick-style "indicator" fitting that allows it to be used as a Pelvic Floor Educator and thus provides excellent value for women wanting to develop exercise technique whilst using electrical stimulation.

Wow! Yeah, any takers? No, thanks! I used a similar device when I was a beautician... It stimulated the skin and was actually quite a nice and effective treatment... I never attacked any of the girls vagina's with it though... I do like the use of the word 'educator'... And I'm gunna leave that one right there! 


Name: KEGEL8 Ultra A - Vaginal & Anal
Use: NO FUCKING IDEA!
Sales Pitch: Do you have a problem controlling your wind? Do you have Stress Incontinence? Do you suffer with constipation? If you answer YES to any of the above, you are at risk of developing anal incontinence and small changes now can make a big difference. Stress Incontinence is taboo but anal incontinence is even more of a social stigma that blights women's lives. Medical figures report 28% of women with stress incontinence are also anally incontinent, not always to the extent of 'messing' ourselves sometimes it's not being able to control our wind in social situations. If you are that 'windy-pop woman' you need the Kegel8 Ultra A, with all the fast and efficient programmes you need to strengthen your pelvic floor vaginally, the Ultra A has an additional programme complete with anal probe. The Kegel8 Ultra is the clinically proven way to strengthen your pelvic floor, vaginally and posteriorally giving you back your control and confidence.


Hahaha! WOW! As I was telling Todd about this windy pop woman I burst into hysterics and started to sing the following song! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Farted on my dick and my balls! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Sharted all over my bedroom walls! 

I then proceeded to laugh for a good 5 minutes and that's all I have to say about that!

Last but by no means least I present...


Name: Vulva Original! (Seriously)
Use: For people who just love smelling like a cunt!
Sales Pitch: The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure. The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass vial with a comfortable roll-on applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance. Our greatest challenge was to preserve the intimate scent without altering the essence thereof. After many year of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long lasting effect. The vial is shaken gently. Only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand…and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the intimate smell of an irresistible woman.

If you want to be even more freaked out I suggest you watch the the VULVA commercial! Not to be confused with the VOLVO commercials!

This video right here is the entire reason I stay the fuck out of the gym and away from personal trainers! 

I hope you were as entertained and as freaked the fuck out as I was!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo