Vulva-licious!

Firstly, to those of you dying to know the outcome from the events I covered in my last post, "Boners? Bargain!"  Yes, 'Hard Ten Days' worked... I was surprised at how well it worked! It was kinda like freaky erection... I thought Todd's dick was guna jump out of it's skin... I actually laughed at it for a considerable amount of time... Which surprisingly, didn't effect his freaky porn boner one iota! That being said I think they should change it's name from 'Hard Ten Days' to 'Can't Walk Two Weeks'! Hahaha... If you catch my drift... 


So for those who wanted to know. Yes it absolutely worked and it's quite cheap too! Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below or emailed to me at jenbear1985@gmail.com... Just put Hard Ten Days Questions in the subject line so I don't think your message is SPAM and delete it!
Ok so my last post was pretty much all about dick... But I did briefly touch on a product called, 'YING DA WANG', which is for females. If you remember, this product claimed to... 
'Increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....' 
Which got me thinking: what other sorts of warped and (not so) wonderful products are out there for the fairer sex? This question was soon answered accompanied with fits of giggles from myself as I realised my naivety in regards to the 'wonderful' world of lotions, potions, perfumes, devices, soaps and pills available for your humble run of the mill vagina!

So without any further ado...


Name: JAMU SOAP (Sabun Sari KESED)
Use: This soap claims to tighten your vagina!
Sales Pitch: Rules of Use- Soaped at interior femininity flatten and hushed for a few minutes, rinsed last / to be washed until cleanness.

Benefits:
1. Creating harmony in the household, husband and wife happiness
2. Absorb excessive mucus
3. Make vagina becomes kesed
4. Eradicating germs in the vagina
5. Eliminate unpleasant odors
6. Eliminate black mole-mole between your thighs 7. Eliminating the smell of sweat is not good

Ok... So how do you use it? Wait, who cares! I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IS KESED!? MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS BLACK MOLE-MOLE between your thighs? Hahahaha! Someone help me! I can't breathe! 

Name: Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream (No, it's not glue like I originally thought)

Use: Once again... Vaginal Tightening!
Sales Pitch: Apply a liberal amount of Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Sure Grip Tighten Her       Cream also works as a deodorant and disinfectant. It   also claims to "Tighten your vagina, like the first time... For that Honeymoon fit!" 

I still think it sounds like glue! Plus one of the ingredients is a mold repellent... Nothing says confidence like a mold free vagina!? I discovered a whole range of these vag creams! All with highly amusing names like: 18 again, Tight stuff, China shrink cream, Snuggles, Crazy girl wanna be tight! I think Crazy Girl has to be my favourite! 

Name: Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

Use: My guess... Pumping the pussy!

Sales pitch: Super-sensitise your vagina for extreme levels of pleasure! The Doc Johnson Pussy pump is easy to use and will enlarge your vagina making it super sensitive. Unlike other pump the Doc Johnson version has a patented removable valve allowing you pump it up to create a vacuum and then remove the hose and it will keep its seal.

I just find it hilarious that's there's obviously a whole group of women out there trying to make their vagina's smaller then I find something like this which is obviously aimed at a crowd who are trying to make the puss bigger!? I LIKE ZE BIIIIG PUSSY!!! Ahahahaha! Say that with a Grace Jones voice (MOVIE: Boomerang) for maximum laugh-ability!


Name: Vaginal Electrode! WOAH!
Use: I think it's to exercise your vag?
Sales Pitch: An intra-vaginal probe for muscle stimulation and biofeedback. It is supplied complete with an additional stick-style "indicator" fitting that allows it to be used as a Pelvic Floor Educator and thus provides excellent value for women wanting to develop exercise technique whilst using electrical stimulation.

Wow! Yeah, any takers? No, thanks! I used a similar device when I was a beautician... It stimulated the skin and was actually quite a nice and effective treatment... I never attacked any of the girls vagina's with it though... I do like the use of the word 'educator'... And I'm gunna leave that one right there! 


Name: KEGEL8 Ultra A - Vaginal & Anal
Use: NO FUCKING IDEA!
Sales Pitch: Do you have a problem controlling your wind? Do you have Stress Incontinence? Do you suffer with constipation? If you answer YES to any of the above, you are at risk of developing anal incontinence and small changes now can make a big difference. Stress Incontinence is taboo but anal incontinence is even more of a social stigma that blights women's lives. Medical figures report 28% of women with stress incontinence are also anally incontinent, not always to the extent of 'messing' ourselves sometimes it's not being able to control our wind in social situations. If you are that 'windy-pop woman' you need the Kegel8 Ultra A, with all the fast and efficient programmes you need to strengthen your pelvic floor vaginally, the Ultra A has an additional programme complete with anal probe. The Kegel8 Ultra is the clinically proven way to strengthen your pelvic floor, vaginally and posteriorally giving you back your control and confidence.


Hahaha! WOW! As I was telling Todd about this windy pop woman I burst into hysterics and started to sing the following song! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Farted on my dick and my balls! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Sharted all over my bedroom walls! 

I then proceeded to laugh for a good 5 minutes and that's all I have to say about that!

Last but by no means least I present...


Name: Vulva Original! (Seriously)
Use: For people who just love smelling like a cunt!
Sales Pitch: The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure. The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass vial with a comfortable roll-on applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance. Our greatest challenge was to preserve the intimate scent without altering the essence thereof. After many year of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long lasting effect. The vial is shaken gently. Only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand…and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the intimate smell of an irresistible woman.

If you want to be even more freaked out I suggest you watch the the VULVA commercial! Not to be confused with the VOLVO commercials!

This video right here is the entire reason I stay the fuck out of the gym and away from personal trainers! 

I hope you were as entertained and as freaked the fuck out as I was!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

She's not a slut! She's just really relaxed!

A while ago I found an awesome site which translates (with speech) pretty much any language into just about any other language you can think of... Last night I rediscovered this little gem and proceeded to see how fucked up my blog would be if translated into another tongue. But did I stop there? Of course not! I translated some exerts from my blog (as well as a Facebook status) into several different languages... Then BACK to English... This is where shit got messy! Talk about getting lost in translation! Fucking hell! Not even a sat-nav from Star Trek was getting me back from where these translations had taken me... 


So without further ado, I present: Jen's Spaghetti Blog- Totally lost in translation!!!


Original Blog Exert:
Back to the bastard mop! I took a break before completing my mopping adventures! Well I finished the front half of the house... I mopped the floors AND... Wait for it.... WAIT for it... The walls! Aaaahahahaha! The MADNESS has set in! Mwaaaahahaha! *awkward silence.....*


From English to Korean and then back to English:
Clean Up Guy! Before you complete the adventure of my white blood cells there was a brake of the rising! Then I completed the half in front of the house ... I wiped the floor ... Wait for it .... Wait for it ... Walls! Aaaahahahaha! Insanity has arrived! Mwaaaahahaha! .....* Weird silence *

The face of insanity! RUN!!!

*** Best bits: "Clean up guy!" Where the fuck was this clean up guy when I was mopping my fucking walls? I don't know where clean up guy came from or went to but considering there was a white blood cell adventure I'm relieved I wasn't around! I had to laugh at "insanity has arrived"... That is good to know! Just in case no one else realised or they missed the memo! It's here PEOPLE!!! IT'S FUCKING HERE!!!! 


Original Blog Exert:
In light of the above I want to talk about: FUCK HEADS!!! Also known as morons, dick wads, mother fuckers, moles, cock stains, goat fuckers, cunts, gay holes, fuck-tards, sluts, pricks, dildo smackers, Tony's, dumb asses, ball gazers, cock knockers, pirate hookers, butt sluts, trollops, big crusty pus filled hairy dogs cock... Ok so we get what I'm talking about yeah?


From English to Portuguese and then back to English:
In the light of above mentioned I want to speak on: FODA HEADS!!! When the jetties were also known as idiotic, chimaços of dick, the rude persons of mother, they lift stains, idiots, rude persons of goat, snuff-boxes, cheerful holes, fode-tards, relaxed women, points, kisses of penis, Tony's, silent donkeys, think up gazers, bang one's head to relaxed women, beaters, pirate lifts, prostitutes, the great covered pus of crust filled hairy dogs, they stand up... Okey so we acquire on what I am speaking yes?

*** Best bits: FODA HEADS!?! Available at all good toys stores this Christmas! I dunno what they are but I want one in three different fucking colours!!! When jetties were also known as idiotic? When exactly was that? I thought it was pre 1972 but I have been wrong about this shit before! Chimacos of dick? Is that Portuguese for Schmackos? Dogs go wacko for.... DICK!!! Hahahaha! They lift stains! So if I call you nappi-san oxy... I'm really calling you a cock stain! Ok? Rude persons of goat? Snuff boxes (that's a keeper) & cheerful holes! CHEERFUL HOLES!!! "Hows your hole, snuff box!? "It's god dam cheerful, mother fucker!" SILENT DONKEYS!!! This whole thing is just gold! I suggest re-reading it while banging your head to a relaxed woman! 

Glide...

Facebook status:
People talk shit... And the ones that talk the most are just trying to make some noise so you don't notice them trying to slip their hand up your skirt and fuck you!!!


From English to German to Spanish and then back to English again:
People talk shit... And those which mostly speak try just to do a noise, you do not note them trying, her hand your cock and leaky me in the ass! To let glide!!


*** Best bits: "And the ones that mostly speak try just to do a noise"... I just have a mental image of someone making grunty noises and trying to fart!?! The last bit is just pure class and although I had nothing to do with it, I'm still particularly proud... HER HAND... YOUR COCK AND LEAKY ME IN THE ASS! Oh God! LEAKY FUCKING ME IN THE GOD DAM FUCKING ASS!!! And the purpose of all this? Simple! "To let glide!" That makes sense, yeah!?! I think what all of this shows is that... You may think I'm fucking MAD, but just be thankful I'm not foreign too!  
  

Silence! I'm trying to 'do a noise!'

Shatner knows the importance of quality glide!

If you want to have fun getting yourself lost in translation. Click here...


The more outlandish the text the better. Don't be afraid to throw some swears in there too... It confuses the shit out the program and equals optimal funnies! Feel free to post your creations on the comments section below!


Until next time my little snuff boxes....


Love ya guts... Love, Jen xoxo