Vulva-licious!

Firstly, to those of you dying to know the outcome from the events I covered in my last post, "Boners? Bargain!"  Yes, 'Hard Ten Days' worked... I was surprised at how well it worked! It was kinda like freaky erection... I thought Todd's dick was guna jump out of it's skin... I actually laughed at it for a considerable amount of time... Which surprisingly, didn't effect his freaky porn boner one iota! That being said I think they should change it's name from 'Hard Ten Days' to 'Can't Walk Two Weeks'! Hahaha... If you catch my drift... 


So for those who wanted to know. Yes it absolutely worked and it's quite cheap too! Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below or emailed to me at jenbear1985@gmail.com... Just put Hard Ten Days Questions in the subject line so I don't think your message is SPAM and delete it!
Ok so my last post was pretty much all about dick... But I did briefly touch on a product called, 'YING DA WANG', which is for females. If you remember, this product claimed to... 
'Increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....' 
Which got me thinking: what other sorts of warped and (not so) wonderful products are out there for the fairer sex? This question was soon answered accompanied with fits of giggles from myself as I realised my naivety in regards to the 'wonderful' world of lotions, potions, perfumes, devices, soaps and pills available for your humble run of the mill vagina!

So without any further ado...


Name: JAMU SOAP (Sabun Sari KESED)
Use: This soap claims to tighten your vagina!
Sales Pitch: Rules of Use- Soaped at interior femininity flatten and hushed for a few minutes, rinsed last / to be washed until cleanness.

Benefits:
1. Creating harmony in the household, husband and wife happiness
2. Absorb excessive mucus
3. Make vagina becomes kesed
4. Eradicating germs in the vagina
5. Eliminate unpleasant odors
6. Eliminate black mole-mole between your thighs 7. Eliminating the smell of sweat is not good

Ok... So how do you use it? Wait, who cares! I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IS KESED!? MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS BLACK MOLE-MOLE between your thighs? Hahahaha! Someone help me! I can't breathe! 

Name: Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream (No, it's not glue like I originally thought)

Use: Once again... Vaginal Tightening!
Sales Pitch: Apply a liberal amount of Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Sure Grip Tighten Her       Cream also works as a deodorant and disinfectant. It   also claims to "Tighten your vagina, like the first time... For that Honeymoon fit!" 

I still think it sounds like glue! Plus one of the ingredients is a mold repellent... Nothing says confidence like a mold free vagina!? I discovered a whole range of these vag creams! All with highly amusing names like: 18 again, Tight stuff, China shrink cream, Snuggles, Crazy girl wanna be tight! I think Crazy Girl has to be my favourite! 

Name: Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

Use: My guess... Pumping the pussy!

Sales pitch: Super-sensitise your vagina for extreme levels of pleasure! The Doc Johnson Pussy pump is easy to use and will enlarge your vagina making it super sensitive. Unlike other pump the Doc Johnson version has a patented removable valve allowing you pump it up to create a vacuum and then remove the hose and it will keep its seal.

I just find it hilarious that's there's obviously a whole group of women out there trying to make their vagina's smaller then I find something like this which is obviously aimed at a crowd who are trying to make the puss bigger!? I LIKE ZE BIIIIG PUSSY!!! Ahahahaha! Say that with a Grace Jones voice (MOVIE: Boomerang) for maximum laugh-ability!


Name: Vaginal Electrode! WOAH!
Use: I think it's to exercise your vag?
Sales Pitch: An intra-vaginal probe for muscle stimulation and biofeedback. It is supplied complete with an additional stick-style "indicator" fitting that allows it to be used as a Pelvic Floor Educator and thus provides excellent value for women wanting to develop exercise technique whilst using electrical stimulation.

Wow! Yeah, any takers? No, thanks! I used a similar device when I was a beautician... It stimulated the skin and was actually quite a nice and effective treatment... I never attacked any of the girls vagina's with it though... I do like the use of the word 'educator'... And I'm gunna leave that one right there! 


Name: KEGEL8 Ultra A - Vaginal & Anal
Use: NO FUCKING IDEA!
Sales Pitch: Do you have a problem controlling your wind? Do you have Stress Incontinence? Do you suffer with constipation? If you answer YES to any of the above, you are at risk of developing anal incontinence and small changes now can make a big difference. Stress Incontinence is taboo but anal incontinence is even more of a social stigma that blights women's lives. Medical figures report 28% of women with stress incontinence are also anally incontinent, not always to the extent of 'messing' ourselves sometimes it's not being able to control our wind in social situations. If you are that 'windy-pop woman' you need the Kegel8 Ultra A, with all the fast and efficient programmes you need to strengthen your pelvic floor vaginally, the Ultra A has an additional programme complete with anal probe. The Kegel8 Ultra is the clinically proven way to strengthen your pelvic floor, vaginally and posteriorally giving you back your control and confidence.


Hahaha! WOW! As I was telling Todd about this windy pop woman I burst into hysterics and started to sing the following song! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Farted on my dick and my balls! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Sharted all over my bedroom walls! 

I then proceeded to laugh for a good 5 minutes and that's all I have to say about that!

Last but by no means least I present...


Name: Vulva Original! (Seriously)
Use: For people who just love smelling like a cunt!
Sales Pitch: The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure. The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass vial with a comfortable roll-on applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance. Our greatest challenge was to preserve the intimate scent without altering the essence thereof. After many year of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long lasting effect. The vial is shaken gently. Only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand…and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the intimate smell of an irresistible woman.

If you want to be even more freaked out I suggest you watch the the VULVA commercial! Not to be confused with the VOLVO commercials!

This video right here is the entire reason I stay the fuck out of the gym and away from personal trainers! 

I hope you were as entertained and as freaked the fuck out as I was!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Wow! That's Awkward!

So I got my first negative comment on my blog! (Don't bother looking for it, it's been deleted- hahaha! Never happened!) I believe it said 'shitblog.twat.' Now if you're going to criticize me, don't be a spineless prick and do it anonymously... That just screams 'I'm a fat git with a wrinkled old sack who sits at my computer, being bitter at the world and criticizing strangers whilst feeling so superior I refuse to use the god damn space bar!!! There is something seriously wrong with the fact that this jerk-off went to the effort of reading my blog, then typed a poor ass criticism of 3 words, posted it, typed in the 'captcha' code, pressed enter and got confirmation of the comment being posted all to say shitblog.twat... All one word! Like it's a fucking web address! Here's one for ya! WWW.GOFUCKYOURSELFWRINKLECOCK.COM.FU

Worst blog EVER!

I imagine this person to be a real life version of Comic Book Guy from The Simpson's... Sitting at his computer criticizing everyone else who has the balls to do anything because he is so terrified of being even more of a failure so he'd rather just shit on everyone else... Personally, even if I don't like someones blog or creative work in anyway I still appreciate the effort they put into it and the balls it takes to just put yourself out there for the world to judge... He should have just typed A) I'm a bitter, jealous person, who had my own blog that no one read due to my refusal to acknowledge the space bar. B) I feel the world owes me something & C) I really get off on masturbating in my own shit!

You got a mention in my blog... That's about as good as it's guna get for you my impotent little friend! 
From one anonymous dick head to some dick heads I actually know... I created a Facebook fan page for my baby bloggy! You may have noticed the new 'like' tab at the top right hand of the screen... (CLICK IT!!! CLICK IT VIOLENTLY!!!) I've asked all of my Facebook 'friends' to 'like' the page or they'll be getting the boot! It's pretty simple really. As my 'friend' if you can't click 'like' and have a browse through my blog, which I put so much effort and time into then you're not my fucking friend and you can fuck off. Why would I want to interact with people who can't be supportive of me and my work? I don't want to! I'm also using this opportunity to do a little cunt culling... At the end of the day I've seen the shit circulating around Facebook and it's not guna be me sitting there with my thumb in my arse once these people get the boot! I'm my own entertainment. They're the ones who are going to be bored shit-less. My problem? Nope!


Ok so my rant is finished! Now onto some funnies!!! I LOVE randomness! The more random the harder i laugh! Especially when there's just absolutely no fucking way of explaining said randomness! That being said I present you with some GOLD pictures from two very funny sites. Awkward Family Photos & Explain This Image!!!

1) Who goes & pays to have a portrait with their fucking duster!?!
2) YES! These 2 are married!!!

1) Makes sense?
2) Haaahahaha! This makes the duster picture look somewhat normal!

1 & 2) I really don't know WTF is going on in either of these pics!?!

1) Oompa Loompa's, Distraught giant bunnies, An ambulance & A he/she with a butt gut! This picture has EVERYTHING!!!
2) What? That's where babies come from!?! Isn't it?

1) This is so my family!
2) And again!

1) $10 says this marriage ended the day the photos arrived!
2) Bottom Left: Wet Fukin Wipes! O-Fuckin-K!
3) Right pic: Fucked if I know!!! Theories! Anyone?

I hope you found these as randomly funny as I did... If you didn't keep it to your fucking selves! Hahaha! But... Seriously...

I'm downloading some awesome fonts for my next post! Not exciting for you but it's got me squirting in my dacks!?! Wow NOW that's some good fucking font!

Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo