I am the Internet!

Where the fuck have I been?? I have NOT been committed. Nor have I learnt the error of my ways and joined a NUNnery or a MONKery... Hahaha. Monkery! I still don't have a new laptop... I'm getting there... S-L-O-W-L-Y!!! So the laptop I'm borrowing decided to start shooting blue sparks out of the charger... I know! Exciting, right? But that didn't stop me from using it... After all... What's a little electrocution between friends? These blue sparks resulted in the charger deciding it couldn't work under those conditions so it just stopped working... No 2 weeks notice. No big explosive finale or anything like that! Although, some would say the blue sparks were notice enough and to them I say 'You  dUmB!' 


I purchased a replacement charger for the laptop I'm borrowing so I am back to using that... I'm still making more typo's than a 1 handed, half blind, cracked out, illiterate spider monkey but hey,  it's still better than running around my front yard screaming "I AM THE INTERNET!!!"
I'm used to a big keyboard with all the keys being present. This is a widdle (yes... WIDDLE!) keyboard and it's missing more keys than your local hillbilly is missing teeth... Which means...Typos! Too many typos! Too many! *starts twitching!* 
So I'm typing this on my phone and will proceed to email it to myself (possibly with some sexy nude pictures attached!) Then send it to my blog... Then onto you! See! It's all very complex! Lot of ins! Lot of outs! Lot of what-have-yous!


So in anticipation of getting a new laptop (remember I still need donations) I started looking up some extras I might 'need' for when I get it. Like most of my ventures it starts off innocently enough... Then before I know it I wake up after a 3 days bender... Nipples covered in glitter, surrounded by dildos that have all mysteriously been covered with dirty socks that aren't mine and my mouth left tasting like Playdoh!? Good times! Where was I? Oh yeah... Laptop accessories! Specifically USB  accessories! So I'm browsing and before long I found myself going from the practical (like the USB coffee mug warmer) to what the fucking fuck (like a fake USB powered aquarium)!?! Now you can re-live my journey! 

What is it? It's a George Foreman USB Grill of course! Wait... What? Yeah, you read correctly! So many times I have been sitting at my desk typing away and thinking if only I could grill myself a healthy meal without having to leave my seat (how you get the food from the fridge to the grill is up to you- unless you buy a USB fridge!?) The whole thing seams a bit weird to me! Verdict: USELESS

What is it? USB HUMPING dogs! Why? Um... Coz we all want to see a small plastic dog humping our laptops? Don't we? Verdict: Somewhat entertaining. A good way to get you fired or incite sexual harassment! Wanna see it in action? Click here!
Verdict: USELESS & Weird!

What is it? A USB oil burner. Not my cup of tea but I suppose it's a nice present for someone who has everything and smells a bit like ass! Verdict: NOT COMPLETELY USELESS!

What is it? A USB pet rock... You plug it in... That's it! It does NOTHING. It draws NO power. It has NO drivers! WHY?  Why would anyone want this? Verdict: USELESS & STUPID!

What is it? It's a washing machine! Hahaha! No, not really! It's a USB electric guitar that is apparently surprisingly awesome! See for yourself click me! Want even more specs? Click here!
It has real strings, can be used with or without a computer and is ALWAYS in tune! Verdict: FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Ok this isn't a USB  accessory but it's so cool I had to add it anyway! What is it? A Genuine Marshall mini amp that's what! What does it do? Well! It looks and sounds like a full-size amp. It comes with a belt clip for hands-free operation and a headphone jack for private rocking out! You can control tone & volume and literally rock out with your cock out... If that's what blows your hair back! 

                                             

                                     See! Awesome! (Runs off a 9 volt battery!)

What is it? A USB keyboard vacuum! I think this is an awesome idea! A fun way to get rid of all the crap that accumulates under the keys of your keyboard! Verdict: Cool and useful!

What is it? A USB missile launcher! You can even attach a webcam to this remote controlled missile launcher and accurately aim at passers by and then POW POW POW Man down! Man down! I'm hit!
*Evil laugh!* Excellent!!!

What is it? A USB mini fridge. Just big enough for a can of drink! Verdict: If you don't have a fridge at work and you like a soda with lunch this is for you. But if, like me your a "go hard or go home, nothing by halves" sorta person then....

This is for you!!! What is it? A BIG USB fridge! Big enough to store food to cook on your George Foreman USB Grill! See it's all making sense? Verdict: Cool, especially if you don't have a fridge... For some strange reason! Don't blame me if every man and his humping USB dog wants to put their drinks in your fridge though!

BAM! You HAVE to be entertained by a woman on a pole or you may literally die!!! I know, I know! It's a daily battle! WELL, THIS IS FOR YOU!!! She dances for you as you type. She comes with her own music, lights and pole plus there's no need to go change a hundred into smaller notes for tips! The faster you type the faster she dances! Verdict: WEIRD!!!

What is it? A USB eye massager. Wait... What? EYE MASSAGER!? ... I don't get it! I've NEVER EVER thought "Fuck! The muscles in my eyes are tight! I really need a massage... Preferably with a strange red rubber hand that plugs into the USB drive on my computer!" NEVER!!! Verdict: WTF!!!

What is it? A USB panic button. You know the drill! You're on Facebook or READING MY BLOG and all of a sudden... THE BOSS!!! FAAAARK!!! What do you do? Panic? NO! Panic Button? Yes! With a press of the huge red button, the USB Panic Button allows you to replace what is on your computer screen with a "pretend" work file. The included software features several fake spread sheets for use, as well as the ability to customise your own "panic" work pages. Verdict: Awesome! Although you boss may wonder why the fuck you have a massive red button on your desk. What you tell them is up to you!

What is it? A USB Ghost detector! Why? Coz some fool will buy it!? Probably?!? This device beeps and flashes red lights in response to "unusual magnetic waves" — meaning it will let you know when you're in the presence of ghosts. Who the fuck figured out what frequencies ghosts operate on? When did that happen? Apparently the Japanese figured it out but wont tell anyone else the 'secret' ... COUGH *BULLSHIT* This 'ghost detector' also doubles as a flash drive... Verdict: WEIRD! 

So there you have it! Another installment of weird shit from yours truly! Hopefully the next time I post a blog entry it will be from behind a sexy new laptop! Hopefully!!!

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Dildos! The Re-Entry!

Greetings fuckers!!! I'm not dead! I have borrowed a mates laptop... Thanks Rhi Rhi!!! You may have noticed a cute little donate button over there 
to your right...Yes THAT one! I didn't just put it there for my health... So be a darling, click it and donate 1 or 2 dollars to go towards my new laptop! Please *bats eyes* Coz I can't keep using this laptop forever! A) It's a loner and B) It's got keys missing! Which kind of makes me feel like I'm borrowing my mates dildo... It'll get the job done, but I still feel weird about using it!!! Hahaha... We've all been in that situation!

Talking about dildos... Check out these winners! So I looked up funny dildo pics and I ended up finding an x-ray film of one crazy bitch who got a little over zealous and just shoved the whole god damn thing up there... Like right fucking UP THERE!!! That lead onto other weird x-ray pics! Then I just got a bit buck wild and went cock mad.... Mmmwaaahahaha! *sings* Cock and balls cock and balls... Oooo so shiny! Hahaha!

Why she look so sad? :(
Poor, Ma... I think she likes the vag!!!

It's cute and disturbing... Like me!

YES! It's Barack Obama!

She's not cupping the balls!!!

This is exactly how I lost my Ben Wa balls!

This so boring! 

It's happened to the best of us... AND to the worst of us!

I'm always losing my god damn phone!!!

So she said "drink this shot or I'll stick it in your ass!"
 2 and a half hours later and here I am!!! I need new friends!

It's nice but do you have anything a little... Bigger? Hahaha!
I showed this to Todd and he was like "WTF are you looking up? You're like yay we've got the internet back! Let's look up dick"... I laughed... Coz he doesn't know I just ordered one of these for him... in BLACK!!! Aaaahahaha!
Is it just me or does it look like a butternut pumpkin?

I don't get it!?! Why bother getting hard?

Aaaahahaha!

Nipple clamps- Fucking extreme much? Hoo-har hoo-har!! Woof woof!!!

Ahaha! FIST OF FURY!!! RAAARRR!
I want this next to my front door just incase any cunt decides to break in! Ahahaha!

^^^ How you might feel after reading my blog! ^^^

So there you have it, my little shit faces!!!


Until next time... Get a big stiff one up ya! 


Love your guts! 


Love, Jen xoxox

FUCKING BLOG PIRATES!!!

Text: DOWNLOADING PIRATED MOVIES IS NAUGHTY!!!
(AND IT MAKES YOU A VERY NAUGHTY PIRATE!)

Text: GAY BEARD!!! THE DVD PIRATE!!! DOWNLOADING MOVIES IS STEALING! VIEWING & ENJOYING MY BLOG  WITHOUT SHOWING APPRECIATION IN THE FORM OF COMMENTS, FOLLOWING AND/OR FACEBOOK LIKES IS STEALING!!! WELL, NOT REALLY BUT I'D REALLY LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!!! DON'T BE LIKE GAY BEARD!!! GIVE SOME LOVE BACK!!!
*** ARE YOU A BLOG PIRATE??? WELL, ARE YOU!?!***

Wow! That's Awkward!

So I got my first negative comment on my blog! (Don't bother looking for it, it's been deleted- hahaha! Never happened!) I believe it said 'shitblog.twat.' Now if you're going to criticize me, don't be a spineless prick and do it anonymously... That just screams 'I'm a fat git with a wrinkled old sack who sits at my computer, being bitter at the world and criticizing strangers whilst feeling so superior I refuse to use the god damn space bar!!! There is something seriously wrong with the fact that this jerk-off went to the effort of reading my blog, then typed a poor ass criticism of 3 words, posted it, typed in the 'captcha' code, pressed enter and got confirmation of the comment being posted all to say shitblog.twat... All one word! Like it's a fucking web address! Here's one for ya! WWW.GOFUCKYOURSELFWRINKLECOCK.COM.FU

Worst blog EVER!

I imagine this person to be a real life version of Comic Book Guy from The Simpson's... Sitting at his computer criticizing everyone else who has the balls to do anything because he is so terrified of being even more of a failure so he'd rather just shit on everyone else... Personally, even if I don't like someones blog or creative work in anyway I still appreciate the effort they put into it and the balls it takes to just put yourself out there for the world to judge... He should have just typed A) I'm a bitter, jealous person, who had my own blog that no one read due to my refusal to acknowledge the space bar. B) I feel the world owes me something & C) I really get off on masturbating in my own shit!

You got a mention in my blog... That's about as good as it's guna get for you my impotent little friend! 
From one anonymous dick head to some dick heads I actually know... I created a Facebook fan page for my baby bloggy! You may have noticed the new 'like' tab at the top right hand of the screen... (CLICK IT!!! CLICK IT VIOLENTLY!!!) I've asked all of my Facebook 'friends' to 'like' the page or they'll be getting the boot! It's pretty simple really. As my 'friend' if you can't click 'like' and have a browse through my blog, which I put so much effort and time into then you're not my fucking friend and you can fuck off. Why would I want to interact with people who can't be supportive of me and my work? I don't want to! I'm also using this opportunity to do a little cunt culling... At the end of the day I've seen the shit circulating around Facebook and it's not guna be me sitting there with my thumb in my arse once these people get the boot! I'm my own entertainment. They're the ones who are going to be bored shit-less. My problem? Nope!


Ok so my rant is finished! Now onto some funnies!!! I LOVE randomness! The more random the harder i laugh! Especially when there's just absolutely no fucking way of explaining said randomness! That being said I present you with some GOLD pictures from two very funny sites. Awkward Family Photos & Explain This Image!!!

1) Who goes & pays to have a portrait with their fucking duster!?!
2) YES! These 2 are married!!!

1) Makes sense?
2) Haaahahaha! This makes the duster picture look somewhat normal!

1 & 2) I really don't know WTF is going on in either of these pics!?!

1) Oompa Loompa's, Distraught giant bunnies, An ambulance & A he/she with a butt gut! This picture has EVERYTHING!!!
2) What? That's where babies come from!?! Isn't it?

1) This is so my family!
2) And again!

1) $10 says this marriage ended the day the photos arrived!
2) Bottom Left: Wet Fukin Wipes! O-Fuckin-K!
3) Right pic: Fucked if I know!!! Theories! Anyone?

I hope you found these as randomly funny as I did... If you didn't keep it to your fucking selves! Hahaha! But... Seriously...

I'm downloading some awesome fonts for my next post! Not exciting for you but it's got me squirting in my dacks!?! Wow NOW that's some good fucking font!

Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo