Fucking, Night Ops!

Me and my video camera (which doesn't actually use 'video technology', so shall hence forth be known as my Handycam... Which is convenient coz that's what Sony and a few hundred thousand other people call it)... Where was I!? Oh yeah... Me and my Handycam have a weird relationship... It has nothing to do with home made porn or me filming my neighbour molesting his cat... When my Handycam is in night vision mode it sends me into a bit of a giggly, pre-pubescent, James Bond-ish, ninja, cartwheeling on a fruit cake, weirdo, butt slut (without any actual ninjas. Or fruit cake or anal... Ok, maybe just a little bit of anal!?) Anyway... Me in night vision... It always makes me think I missed my true calling... When I'm in looking at myself in night vision my brown eyes become green and for some reason I have really fucking shiny teeth! Like REALLY really fucking shiny? I must admit... I find myself rather hypnotic and mesmerising. The first time I saw myself looking back at... Myself (?) in that sexy post apocalyptic nuclear war greenish radioactive hue, of what the French call 'le noire vision' (not really) I immediately thought... Fucking night ops... That's what I need to do... Just to be clear, it's not 'fucking' night ops... It's more like FUCKING GOD DAMN! Night ops! Like the Navy SEALS or SAS or whatever it is... I was like... I could totally swoon all the terrorists! I'd be like 'hey, terrorists! Look at my green eyes... And ridiculously shiny teeth! Then Boom! Explosions! WAR OVER! But during the day... Brown eyes! I wouldn't have to worry about being caught because even if they did question me, they'd be like... She's not the one... Her eyes are brown and her teeth are not nearly shiny enough! Let the big breasted on go! And like fucking ka-blam! I go onto fight another day! Not to mention, I love wearing all black outfits! It's the perfect crime! Almost too perfect... Mwaaahahahahahaha! Mwaahahaha! *Weird silence* MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Hmmm...  

Forgive my horrible 1 dimensional "art"... The blue lines represent me running... Not a bad case of gas! Ps... If I changed the ninja outfit from black to green... I totally look like a Ninja Turtle!

                                                                                                           
Why am I telling you this? Well because I had the above conversation, pretty much word for word, with myself (on camera) and it makes me feel a little less crazy if I share it with you... Why? I dunno. Why are you still asking me logical questions? Isn't it clear that I'm not stable?! There are no logical answers to the questions you ask!

Talking about logic and shit that just doesn't add up... I had to take Logie-Bear to PMH (children's hospital) the other day for his eye appointment... Longest 2 hours of my fucking life! Isabelle was complaining that her shoes hurt and Logan ate the crayons at the activity desk in the waiting room. Then he ran down the hallway and into someones office & yelled at them 'heeeeeey' like he was the Fonz. Then he kept farting while they tested his eyes. Then he climbed on the chair next to me and found the light switches and turned off half the lights in the massive waiting room area! When he wasn't trying to escape, or trying to fuck shit up, he was yelling at random people or screaming at the top of his lungs! He is out of control! I love him to death but once he sets his mind on something... You can let him scream it out, you can hold him down... You can shoot him with a baby rhino tranquilizer dart... But as soon as he gets a chance he'll go right back to what he wants to do.

So he screamed and screamed like a baby pig being lead to slaughter! The looks, I got! Like it's my choice to be the mother of devil boy! Anyway, so after all that we got into see the STUPID Asian doctor. He didn't even acknowledge Logan as a little person. He was like "yeah,he has a squint. He needs surgery. Make him wear an eye patch on his good eye for an hour a day for the next 6 months, then come back and see me." Yeah ok... So what's the eye patch for? Other than making him look like a fat little pirate!? Is there a chance that the bad eye, if forced to work harder will correct itself? The Dr, was like "no, it's to strengthen his vision"... Wait... What? We just got told his vision is fine. "It is", said the doc... But I'm thinking, if the sight in his lazy eye is fucked... No amount of exercising it will restore any lost vision... Vision doesn't work that (I don't think?). Once it's fucked, it's fucked. So after asking this Dr, 6 different ways what the fuck the eye patch was for, we still don't know. According to him, Logan's vision is fine and we can't do anything for his squint except for surgery. The eye patch is suppose to help strengthen his vision... Which is fine... Huh? Even if he did have trouble seeing, which he doesn't, I don't see how the eye patch would help... After all if that's all it took you'd have blind people, the world over rocking the pirate look in hopes of strengthening their vision!? 

So I'm getting a second opinion. From someone who speaks English! There's no way in fuck I could get fatty to wear an eye patch without him ripping it off... Anything strong enough to prevent him from fucking with it, would tear his skin when I had to remove it! So basically we waited 9 fucking months for an appointment, just for me to get looked at like my baby is the devil and to be told he needs rock the pirate look for the next 6 months!? No fucking thanks.

So, that's was my week! 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

I totally just SHATNERED myself!

My Fat Boy (aka Logan aka The Fatness) has a few main goals in life:
1. To eat as much as possible... As often as possible and without discrimination! 
2. To seek out and destroy... Everything! He's not fussy he'll fuck up furniture, DVDs, the TV, plates, his cot, as well as occasionally messing with my will to live! 
But 3rdly and most importantly his MAIN goal and his driving motivation is... To play with his doodle! Often and well! Like... WELL! I've gotten to a point with him where I have to put his nappy on backwards because other wise I find him, bare arsed, smile plastered on his chunky face with his dick in hand! Usually I can get to him in time and chase his chunky ass around the house to re-cloth him but sometimes he de-robes while in his bed and by the time I hear him laughing and squealing and I catch onto what he's doing he's already peed everywhere! And that's even with his nappy on backwards AND with pants on! He's a determined little wanker! Hahaha. He will de-pants, manage to remove his backwards nappy and play with his little doodle! He's fucking obsessed! And he doesn't just have a little fondle he like full on punishes the pecker! It disturbs me as his Mum, coz I was hoping for at least 2 or 3 years of him remaining pure and innocent... But no, he's got his dad's penis punisher genes! Hahaha sorry, Todd if that makes you sound like a gay porn star! Now he's onto the backwards nappy so I've had to employ the duct tape around the waste technique... So far... Success! But he's a crafty little turd so only time will tell who won this round...

It's like the time my beautiful baby girl was in the bath and she discovered her butt hole! There was a fucking month long obsession I was glad to see the arse end of! Hahaha. Excuse the pun! So these are the joys of parenting... Watching your beautiful babies turn into feral Muppet's whose past times consist of butt hole pleasures, schlong stretching and basically fucking your shit UP! I wouldn't change them for the world :)

I had always intended on being one of those parents who taught their kids that a penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina... Not a yoo-hoo, or wee-wee or wee-har-hoo=rar... And with Isabelle I stuck with that. She calls her vagina her gina... Which is a cuter version of vagina and less butch sounding than vag! Hows ya vag Madge?! Who the fuck is Madge? Fucked if I know! Keep up! Anyway, I say vag and I'm not butch... Mostly?! Anyway! Whatever! So I intended for Logan to call his penis his penis... But when I look at it I'm like 'nawww look at your little doodle!' sorry baby boy... It's entirely too cute to be a penis! He's got more chance of me calling it his Margaret Thatcher, than he does of me calling it his *serious voice* penis! Hahaha!


What does this have to do with this blog entry? Absolutely fuck all! Nada! Zip! Zilch Zero! Bupkiss! Diddly squat! Nada... SWEET FUCK ALL!!!! I like to keep you on your toes! Kinda like a ballerina on crack!!! Twirl bitch! TWIRL! Yeah anyway! So a little while back I posted a blog entry called It's in your mother's anus which was a collection of 'auto-correct' fuck ups... Quite entertaining shit! Anyway in light of the success of that post, and due to the fact I am still without a new laptop (meaning serious lack of motivation) I present the 2nd installment of epic auto correct fuck ups! Enjoy!

My advice... If you find a friend who can fit 6 cans in her vag... Keep her!

You can hem your beef curtains? What, with a regular Jenomi or do you need an industrial beef hemming machine?

Finger my camel toe all you want but stay the fuck away from my cannoli (butt hole?)... What?

I find someone freaking out and the other person being set on repeat fucking hilarious! I'd be a mess treating people in shock! Carlee died! Carlee. Carlee! Me- Ahahahahaha! Yes! Brilliant!

Mom is lying! Fucking crack heads leaving hot "creme pies" around the house!

Hahahaha REPEAT! Black dick! BLACK DICK!!! For fuck sake! Are you dense? I said BLACK DICK!

I fed a deer out of my vagina once... It's overrated!

KIDS! You tell the to get their cunt out of the geezer and they act like you're speaking a different language! 

Want paid stress leave? Next time you're at work and it starts raining... Stand up, grab your hair and start yelling "It's raining HATS AND FIGS!!! HATS AND DONGS!!! FATS AND DOGS!!!" Then start howling and run out of the office!

If Mom's Asian this isn't actually that weird!

Call me strange but if I got a picture of some black Puma's after all that I'd feel robbed!
I actually like the smell of burnt penis? Is it just me? Yeah? Ok then! Moving!

You're camping and Dad's impotent... So... Who's pitching the tent?
P.S We all have to start using the word SHATNERED!!!

Effervescent Shitstain! Aaaaahahahaha! I'm so going into Bunnings drunk and demanding a free sample pot of Effervescent Shitstain!  

Tom's ball sack must be... HUGE! OR maybe it's a mini stapler! Either way I'm still impressed!

That's why I stopped going to church... Mmmwaaaahahaha?!?

Ahahahaha! Christian mind fuck dot com! GOLD!

YES! That's the 3RD JENNA text in this blog! It's a hot name ok!

Feather pussy out who error you horse! Ahahaha! That is all!

They Googled themselves? Ewww!

Auto cucumber! Sounds fun! I hope it's burp-less... Was that your vagina!? NO! It was the cucumber!

Until next time...


Love ya guts! 


Love, Jen xoxo

Smile if you take it in the ass!

Whenever I start a new blog post it usually begins with a theme... Where it goes after that, well that's anyone's guess, but I always begin with semi normal intentions and a generalized theme! Whenever I have spare time and I'm online I like to look for blog material. If I come across something strange and/ or funny I save it. Here's a collection of random finds that don't really fit into any category other than they either made me laugh or freaked me right the fuck out!!! Ummm... Enjoy?

Something for the boys... Or old men with a Viagra prescription!!!! How to pee with a boner!

I'd love to actually know what's going on here... I hope she didn't drink too much...  She looks like a nasty fucking drunk ... And a biter!

Little Miss Muffet.
Sat on her tuffet.
Eating her curds & whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her and...
He was like "Fucking god damn bitch! I'm just guna leave you the fuck alone!"

Wow! That is all!

... And this is why you should never fuck your hairdressers husband! 

It's call UNDERwear for a reason... Yikes!

You too, BITCH! Seriously, what the fuck!?!

His butt crack looks like a tiny little vagina! $10 says it doesn't smell like vagina though!

Is he trying to prove he doesn't take it in the ass?

Well, that's one way to get your hubby to stop taking you from behind! Unfortunately she's married to the dude in the picture above...

Ummm... Yeah!?

Ok so there's the dude trying to smuggle a basket ball in his shorts or there's Bride of Frankenstein ... Or 'Happy', as her friends call her... You pick the weirdo!

The real 'Joe Dirt'!

THIS is what I'm talking when I refer to 'back titties'
Just think... If she gave you head while you were standing, her back fat is in the shape of a love heart! And people say romance is dead! Pffft! 

He's shopping for condoms! Fucking WHY?!?

It's the ancient battle of the melting gut versus the hungry vagina!!! The victim? Her shorts!

Anyone else wanna rub his titties? No? 

YO! Check it! Hahaha! WEIRD!

Hahahaha! GOLD!

Yeah, thanks DAD! Fuck head!

Nar... I think he CAN get them a little higher! His poor vagina! Yeesh!

You heard the man!

... That stupid mole of a dressmaker fucked up my dress!
It's off white! I specifically said EGG SHELL!!! Christ! 

That's the same thing I said to Todd when we first met... 

No idea what's going on here! I think someone's taking the piss... Although, I may not make any sense if I had someone park their car on my privates?

I'm so confused... And extremely aroused!!!

Japan! Great fucking county!

This is what I may have to resort to get some more donations to my blog!  

I fell in love with this picture. Hopefully it'll make up for all the trauma caused from viewing the above!

Remember kiddies... Donations are most appreciated and are a fantastic preventative for sudden penile combustion! Fucking BOOM! Hahahaha! 

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo