Fucking, Night Ops!

Me and my video camera (which doesn't actually use 'video technology', so shall hence forth be known as my Handycam... Which is convenient coz that's what Sony and a few hundred thousand other people call it)... Where was I!? Oh yeah... Me and my Handycam have a weird relationship... It has nothing to do with home made porn or me filming my neighbour molesting his cat... When my Handycam is in night vision mode it sends me into a bit of a giggly, pre-pubescent, James Bond-ish, ninja, cartwheeling on a fruit cake, weirdo, butt slut (without any actual ninjas. Or fruit cake or anal... Ok, maybe just a little bit of anal!?) Anyway... Me in night vision... It always makes me think I missed my true calling... When I'm in looking at myself in night vision my brown eyes become green and for some reason I have really fucking shiny teeth! Like REALLY really fucking shiny? I must admit... I find myself rather hypnotic and mesmerising. The first time I saw myself looking back at... Myself (?) in that sexy post apocalyptic nuclear war greenish radioactive hue, of what the French call 'le noire vision' (not really) I immediately thought... Fucking night ops... That's what I need to do... Just to be clear, it's not 'fucking' night ops... It's more like FUCKING GOD DAMN! Night ops! Like the Navy SEALS or SAS or whatever it is... I was like... I could totally swoon all the terrorists! I'd be like 'hey, terrorists! Look at my green eyes... And ridiculously shiny teeth! Then Boom! Explosions! WAR OVER! But during the day... Brown eyes! I wouldn't have to worry about being caught because even if they did question me, they'd be like... She's not the one... Her eyes are brown and her teeth are not nearly shiny enough! Let the big breasted on go! And like fucking ka-blam! I go onto fight another day! Not to mention, I love wearing all black outfits! It's the perfect crime! Almost too perfect... Mwaaahahahahahaha! Mwaahahaha! *Weird silence* MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Hmmm...  

Forgive my horrible 1 dimensional "art"... The blue lines represent me running... Not a bad case of gas! Ps... If I changed the ninja outfit from black to green... I totally look like a Ninja Turtle!

                                                                                                           
Why am I telling you this? Well because I had the above conversation, pretty much word for word, with myself (on camera) and it makes me feel a little less crazy if I share it with you... Why? I dunno. Why are you still asking me logical questions? Isn't it clear that I'm not stable?! There are no logical answers to the questions you ask!

Talking about logic and shit that just doesn't add up... I had to take Logie-Bear to PMH (children's hospital) the other day for his eye appointment... Longest 2 hours of my fucking life! Isabelle was complaining that her shoes hurt and Logan ate the crayons at the activity desk in the waiting room. Then he ran down the hallway and into someones office & yelled at them 'heeeeeey' like he was the Fonz. Then he kept farting while they tested his eyes. Then he climbed on the chair next to me and found the light switches and turned off half the lights in the massive waiting room area! When he wasn't trying to escape, or trying to fuck shit up, he was yelling at random people or screaming at the top of his lungs! He is out of control! I love him to death but once he sets his mind on something... You can let him scream it out, you can hold him down... You can shoot him with a baby rhino tranquilizer dart... But as soon as he gets a chance he'll go right back to what he wants to do.

So he screamed and screamed like a baby pig being lead to slaughter! The looks, I got! Like it's my choice to be the mother of devil boy! Anyway, so after all that we got into see the STUPID Asian doctor. He didn't even acknowledge Logan as a little person. He was like "yeah,he has a squint. He needs surgery. Make him wear an eye patch on his good eye for an hour a day for the next 6 months, then come back and see me." Yeah ok... So what's the eye patch for? Other than making him look like a fat little pirate!? Is there a chance that the bad eye, if forced to work harder will correct itself? The Dr, was like "no, it's to strengthen his vision"... Wait... What? We just got told his vision is fine. "It is", said the doc... But I'm thinking, if the sight in his lazy eye is fucked... No amount of exercising it will restore any lost vision... Vision doesn't work that (I don't think?). Once it's fucked, it's fucked. So after asking this Dr, 6 different ways what the fuck the eye patch was for, we still don't know. According to him, Logan's vision is fine and we can't do anything for his squint except for surgery. The eye patch is suppose to help strengthen his vision... Which is fine... Huh? Even if he did have trouble seeing, which he doesn't, I don't see how the eye patch would help... After all if that's all it took you'd have blind people, the world over rocking the pirate look in hopes of strengthening their vision!? 

So I'm getting a second opinion. From someone who speaks English! There's no way in fuck I could get fatty to wear an eye patch without him ripping it off... Anything strong enough to prevent him from fucking with it, would tear his skin when I had to remove it! So basically we waited 9 fucking months for an appointment, just for me to get looked at like my baby is the devil and to be told he needs rock the pirate look for the next 6 months!? No fucking thanks.

So, that's was my week! 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

NO, it doesn't make any fucking sense... But, I'm cool with that!

GIFS!!! What? I said GIFS! What? You fucking heard what I said mother fucker!


You would have seen them before! They're like mini movies! Not the best quality but hey! Who are we to judge!? Anyway so over the last few weeks I have been collecting GIFs that I've found that, as per usual, are either funny, weird or both! I don't know if you'll be able to view these on your mobile/ cell phones! And for that I am sorry... You'll just have to sit there and imagine the funny! *Shakes fist* IMAGINE IT!!!! Sorry for not coming up with anything more spectacular for you to blow your wad over or something that causes your ass to explode out of your shorts but I've literally been sick all fuck winter so you should just be happy I haven't offed myself or at very least been found hiding in the cupboard licking peanut butter off my own nipples! Actually, that's not a half bad idea! You lot stay here I'm going to NOT lick peanut butter off my nips.... WHAT!? I said NOT! Fucking sick bunch you are! God! ENJOY!!!

As far as wanking faces go... This ones pretty hot! 

I. LOVE. MIC!!! Oh and LAMP! 

Ahahahah! Totally freaking out over the non-existent water! Stupid cat!  

That's exactly what I do when Asian tourists rub my tummy! What? It fucking is!!!

He has THE fattest tongue I have EVER seen! But yet I still wouldn't sit on his face!? WTF!?!

The music for The Wizard Of Oz starts playing in my head when I see this! And then the laugh! "Eeeeeeeheheheheheheheheeee!"

One thing is obvious... This dude is DEFINITELY STILL A VIRGIN!

I have NO sympathy for this dude what-so-ever! What the fuck did he think they were doing? He should just be thankful the other dude is wearing pants! 

Is this your reaction to seeing that I've posted a new blog entry? Coz it fucking should be! This is what I do the entire time I'm putting it together!!! Hahaha this actually gets funnier the more you watch it!

My only regret? Not being able to change the carrot into a penis!

I'm sure this hurt but... Haaaahahahaha! 

This is totally like: What's going on over there... Oh hell no! Fuck this! You guys are fucking sick! LATER!!!

As if Jean Claude Van Damme wasn't annoying enough! Seriously! Look at his happy little face... Now tell me he hasn't had a penis inside of him! Aaaahaha!

This is hilarious but I reckon if she was looking at me like this I'd be terrified! Or I might laugh hysterically... I never can tell how I'll react! That's the joys of schizophrenia!? Who said that! What? SERENITY NOW!!!!

So kiddies! Wish me well and hope I get better or you'll have to deal with more fucked up GIFs! What? I said GIFS! Oh!? 


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Smile if you take it in the ass!

Whenever I start a new blog post it usually begins with a theme... Where it goes after that, well that's anyone's guess, but I always begin with semi normal intentions and a generalized theme! Whenever I have spare time and I'm online I like to look for blog material. If I come across something strange and/ or funny I save it. Here's a collection of random finds that don't really fit into any category other than they either made me laugh or freaked me right the fuck out!!! Ummm... Enjoy?

Something for the boys... Or old men with a Viagra prescription!!!! How to pee with a boner!

I'd love to actually know what's going on here... I hope she didn't drink too much...  She looks like a nasty fucking drunk ... And a biter!

Little Miss Muffet.
Sat on her tuffet.
Eating her curds & whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her and...
He was like "Fucking god damn bitch! I'm just guna leave you the fuck alone!"

Wow! That is all!

... And this is why you should never fuck your hairdressers husband! 

It's call UNDERwear for a reason... Yikes!

You too, BITCH! Seriously, what the fuck!?!

His butt crack looks like a tiny little vagina! $10 says it doesn't smell like vagina though!

Is he trying to prove he doesn't take it in the ass?

Well, that's one way to get your hubby to stop taking you from behind! Unfortunately she's married to the dude in the picture above...

Ummm... Yeah!?

Ok so there's the dude trying to smuggle a basket ball in his shorts or there's Bride of Frankenstein ... Or 'Happy', as her friends call her... You pick the weirdo!

The real 'Joe Dirt'!

THIS is what I'm talking when I refer to 'back titties'
Just think... If she gave you head while you were standing, her back fat is in the shape of a love heart! And people say romance is dead! Pffft! 

He's shopping for condoms! Fucking WHY?!?

It's the ancient battle of the melting gut versus the hungry vagina!!! The victim? Her shorts!

Anyone else wanna rub his titties? No? 

YO! Check it! Hahaha! WEIRD!

Hahahaha! GOLD!

Yeah, thanks DAD! Fuck head!

Nar... I think he CAN get them a little higher! His poor vagina! Yeesh!

You heard the man!

... That stupid mole of a dressmaker fucked up my dress!
It's off white! I specifically said EGG SHELL!!! Christ! 

That's the same thing I said to Todd when we first met... 

No idea what's going on here! I think someone's taking the piss... Although, I may not make any sense if I had someone park their car on my privates?

I'm so confused... And extremely aroused!!!

Japan! Great fucking county!

This is what I may have to resort to get some more donations to my blog!  

I fell in love with this picture. Hopefully it'll make up for all the trauma caused from viewing the above!

Remember kiddies... Donations are most appreciated and are a fantastic preventative for sudden penile combustion! Fucking BOOM! Hahahaha! 

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

OMG! You're like totally 5% less bald than before!

How could you not want one?

FIRSTLY! FROM NOW UNTIL OCTOBER 31ST IF YOU DONATE $5 OR MORE TO MY BLOG (JUST CLICK THE DONATE BUTTON ON THE RIGHT) YOU GO IN THE RUNNING TO WIN AN IPOD NANO (6TH GEN WITH TOUCH SCREEN, RADIO, PEDOMETER, 8GB RRP $179) NO CATCHES IT'S BRAND NEW IN THE BOX. NEVER USED OR OPENED. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONATED YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE DRAW!!! GOOD LUCK & THANK YOU! PS each $5 gets you ONE entry. 2 entries for $10, 3 for $15 etc etc. I'm happy to send the IPOD overseas so everyone can donate and enter. It's AU$5! 

I was talking to Todd the other night and the subject of comb overs came up... Anyway... And I don't really know why, but comb overs make me really angry! It's just one of my many MANY oddities! So anyway... Comb overs... RAAARRRRR! I'm totally sympathetic to men losing their hairs (yes, I said HAIRS- coz when you're going bald you notice every single fucking follicle that decides to up and abandon your increasingly shiny little head!) and just because male pattern baldness has been accepted by society doesn't mean it's any easier on the poor dude whose losing his locks! HOWEVER...  Comb overs? Really, guys are you serious? You look absolutely fucking ridiculous and you aren't fooling anyone!!! No one has ever... EVER looked at a dude with a comb and thought 'Fuck me, that guy has really great fucking head of hair!' NO ONE! EVER!


 You obviously have a complex about having no hair. You may think people are judging you for being follicular-ly challenged or that they are appalled at your unabashed naked scalp openly parading in full view of small children but in reality no one cares! We've seen bald guys before... It's not shocking or memorable. That being said, if you really DO want to stand out and be judged and laughed at then the comb over is a great fucking move! You are guaranteed to draw attention to yourself in a way that just being bald will never do. Plus you can be sure you're rocking the shit out of that sexy paedophile chic, that all us women secretly desire! 


Now share the horror, the disgust, the seedy feelings and the humour of *BARM BARM BARRRM!* COMB OVERS UNLEASHED!!!

Dear Sir, In order to sport a 'successful' comb over, you must have enough hair to COMB the other hair OVER to... 

With a head like that, I hardly see why it matters, but with his money... WTF!?! Obviously he has that much money that no one will tell him he looks like a raging homo... Actually, no! No self respecting gay dude would EVER have that shit on their heads! He should change his name to Lester the Molester! Or maybe Donald Hump?

Why fucking bother? Wow you're like 5% less bald! It's like getting a full Brazilian wax but leaving a landing strip and letting it really bush up! It's just fucking weird!!! And it makes NO sense!

Now THAT's dedication!!! Yeah, dude coz no one's gunna notice that huge random part at the back of your head? FUCK HEAD!!! OMFG I would so scream at this guy if I saw him out in public! "Hey, fuck head! NICE FUCKING HAIR, FUCK HEAD!!! YEAH, YOU! YA FUCK HEAD!!!"

This is just like a half assed effort of the above! I respect the other dude more though coz at least he put a solid effort into looking completely out of touch with the modern free thinking world! EPIC FAIL!!!

Hahahahaha! His whole head is backwards. Or sideways? Or upside down? Fuck knows!!! Between his eyebrows and his hair I'm so so so lost! Hahahaha! Aaaannnnd! I'm back! Fucking freak!

So until next time my lovelies...


Please DONATE!


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo