What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

Vladamir Coktossin!!!

So I'm watching weight lifting on TV... Well that's a lie... Todd was watching the shit... I was merely a victim of circumstance... Circumstance being it was Todd's birthday & I wasn't about to engage in a 'it's my birthday, I should be able to watch whatever I want' anus twitching guilt trip! It wasn't all tears and suicide threats though... During my glimpse of said weight lifting I came up with several pieces of advice for these, lifters of weights! Weight Lifters, as they are also known!!! 


1stly... Guys! Adjust your cock/ nuts PRIOR to chalking up your hands! Seriously! They ALL had chalky knobs and nuts! Hahaha knobs & nuts! ALL of them! You never see them out on stage tugging their scrote or checking their foreskin to make sure it hasn't engulfed a nut or something so they must run backstage and be like 'YES! I fucking showed that hard, long rigid bar & those filthy slag weights who's tha man' and then engage in a rampant cock grope and a frenzied ritualistic celebratory jig! 

It's not surprising that all these blokes are a bit cock mad... I mean considering the names of the lifts they perform it's no wonder it's a blatant cock romp! Firstly the clean and jerk... $50 says half these guys got involved in weight lifting when the heard they got to perform a 'clean & jerk' on stage... Only to be disappointed when finding out later on that some sadistic cock teasing moron thought it was a good name to describe something mind blowingly painful and completely unrelated to any cleaning and jerking most young blokes are accustomed too! 'Yeah that'll suck the little fuckers in!'

If that doesn't work there's always the ever so suggestively named 'snatch'... Now for my overseas readers (and I know you're out there... Leave a comment! Don't be a stranger!) snatch is Aussie/ Jenna terminology for... Vagina... Moot... Minge... Muff... Beaver... Bearded clam... Axe wound... Map of Tassie (refer to the picture on the left if you're lost on this one)... Cunt... Pussy... Poon... Flesh wallet... Ewww ok enough of that... You get my drift... And if you don't I don't think you should be reading this! Ok so yeah snatch!? I'm sure with all the languages around the world the Weight Lifting Association or whatever the call themselves could have come up with something that doesn't lead the non weight lifting enthusiast to believe they are going to be seeing something wet and wonderful! It's just setting your potential audience up to be disappointed! It may just be me and my warped mind (it usually is) but when I hear the words "World Champion Jerk's & Snatch's (or Jerker's and Snatcher's??)" the last thing to enter my mind is 'several rotund unattractive Europeans wearing Lycra, lifting large inanimate objects for a pre-determined period of time whilst sporting chalked up cocks!' 

Now if they really wanted to add a whole new dynamic to the sport there's really only one direction to go... Naked weight lifting! Yep... NEKID!!! With maximum extreme zoom-age right up in their poop shoots... Get some extreme Spike Lee angles happening... Zoom right in on their grundles as they struggle to hold that weight there for a new world record... You'd be able to literally see some hemorrhoids form before your eyes! Not to mention how many new advertisers the sport could get... Haemorrhoid cream for one... Bang! Done! Signed! Penis enlargement creams could also get into the act!

Imagine it!

"Tonight going for a new personal best of 185kg is the young Russian, Vladamir Coktossin! Even if this amazing young man doesn't lift his goal weight... As you can see by having a quick glance between his legs... He won't be going home disappointed!"

"That's right Sven! As most people probably know Vladamir is the spokes cock for Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000! Now you don't need to be a Med student to see that before Vladamir started his treatment coarse he was a shameful 3 inches... After just a 6 month coarse Vladamir is now rocking a member any man would be proud of! He has increased his girth 400% and his length by an amazing 700% which means thanks to Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000, Vladamir is now sporting a very attractive 13 pound cock! And now back to the weight lifting!"

See! It could totally work! And you know the Europeans would dig it coz they love doing everything naked! I really should be in advertising! Hell after reading that shit, I'm about to call now my credit card details and order my supply of  Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000 and I don't even have a cock (anymore.... Hahahah Joking!!!) Plus if I'm one of the first 50,000 callers I'll get a free Snuggy! Fuck yes! Massive man meat and an embarrassing tent/blanket to keep it warm! My life is complete!!! 

Top Line L-R: Shitting, Fucking, Shitting, Weight Lifting!
Bottom Line L-R: Weight Lifting , Ejaculating, Sneezing, Shitting!

Ok so that's enough about naked weight lifting and 13 pound cocks... All this from not really watching weight lifting! Makes you think, doesn't it? No, not really? Ok well fuck ya then! Difficult Mother Fuckers! Hahahaha! 

Anyway!!! Until next time and as always!


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Unique Eunuch's!?!

Reality TV! Fucking over it! O.V.E.R! It! I don't watch much tele but when I do I watch it to ESCAPE reality not to see so-called 'real people' showing off their amazing impersonations of cock stains and mingers! If I wanna see that shit I'll go to the shops and watch the locals walking around offering to 'rim ya for a dollar'! You can't beat that genuine look of defeat written on their faces! I like my irritating mother fuckers genuine and natural!!! Now here's a 5! Dance bitch! Dance dance!!!


The ideas are getting really bad! I'm just waiting for some reality show about butt hole doctors to come out. Or maybe butt hole dancers! Coz there's not enough dancing shows on at the moment! Got to dance, have to dance, need to dance, no pants dance, dancing with the stars, dancing on cars, dance like your broke and the rent is due tomorrow etc etc!
Which arse doc can examine their partners sphincter while performing an original dance routine!? Find out on the brand new series! Butt Hole Ho-down! 

How is he still single?

So I just happened to see an interview with Mike Tyson... OMFG! Hahahha! What were they interviewing him about? His love for... Wait for it... Pigeons! Baaahahaha. Dumb mother fucker! Apparently he's always loved pigeons and he says that the pigeons 'brought him back from the brink' aaaahahaha dear god! So there you have it! Thinking life is a bit too much and you cant take it any more? Don't slash your wrists or o.d on pills... Get some pigeons! Oh and Mike looked super fly wearing a bike chain as a necklace! Hahaha! Definitely a case of one too many hits in the head!

Bi-winning!

So apparently one of the biggest insults in Indian is to be flashed by someone... Hahaha. The most offensive of all 'flashings'? Getting flashed by a ... WAIT FOR IT... Eunuch... As in dudes without knobs or balls or however it works. Who also happen to wear women's saris? I don't know if I was consider it an insult as such! Terrifying... Absolutely! Weird... You bet ya! Insulting... Not so much! Unless the Indians know something I don't! Like maybe you can catch "EUNUCH" by seeing one semi nude? Dunno!?! My point is... If you are a Ken doll crotch and happen to be rocking the shit out of a sari in the middle of Bombay... Don't go flashing anyone... Unless they really shit you off and you don't know how to say 'fuck up' in the local language! "Look at my cock... Oops don't have one!" Hahaha! Indian's!

I think I need to fake tan! It's weird... If I'm fat and pasty I strangely have no desire to exercise but if I'm tanned which gives the illusion of being not so wobbly I'm more inclined to work my ass!?! So buns a bronzing i a go go! Oh and the rest of me too! Can't just have a brown ass... Too many questions! Cant be getting myself into THAT kind of trouble again... Hahahaha. Just nod and smile and act like you know what I'm talking about! Check the douche in the pic to the right! He looks like he had a brawl at the Vegemite factory... And lost!!! Holy shit! Hahahaha! Why would he leave the house looking like this?




Until next time... As always... 

Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo