So it can pretty much be agreed that most people have come to the conclusion that their parents are weird... If you don't think your folks are a bit fucking odd I can guarantee that they think you are! But have you just generalised your parents eccentricities and dismissed them by thinking to yourself "as soon as you've of age I'm sticking your geriatric ass in a home!" or do you actually have set examples of exactly why they, and in turn you are really quite fucked in the head!?! I have examples!!! If you've read my other blog entries you know some of what I'm talking about and if you haven't read them... Fuck off and start from the beginning! You don't start the alphabet at F and go from there do you? NO!
Firstly I love my Dad and while I maintain that he is a moron, he is my moron and I wouldn't change him for anything... After all, good and bad I am who I am because of him. Some of my stories are things he's relayed back to me and others are things I remember because of the trauma and psychological damage it caused! Hahaha! But, seriously! I didn't become this weird all on my own!
For example: When I was little my dad would drop his guts and when I complained about the smell and accuse him of farting he, somehow managed to convince me it wasn't him that farted it was me... And I went along with it!?! Although I looked confused apparently! Who does that? Who even thinks of that? MY DAD!!! If he was reading this he would be pissing himself laughing! He's amused easily and mostly by his own jokes!
Ok so blaming me for him farting isn't so bad... I guess? But he also had me convinced he was 'magic' up until at least the age of 5.... How did he do this? Well other than getting me to close my eyes and twirl around so he could leave little presents at my feet, he was a big fan of ensuring my belief and devotion to his "magic" by using his windscreen wipers... The cheeky shit would set the wipers, without me seeing, to the interval setting and then count to himself and waved his hand in a slightly gay fashion just as they wiped the windscreen and I was like Oh my frickin' god he IS magic!
Magic aside he was also quite pro-active in his plots to be entertained by poor little Jen! Hahaha. Like the time it was Halloween and he dared me to answer the door responding to "trick or treat" with "tit or bum"... Hahahaha. I did it! I literally threw the door open to this kid and before he could say trick or tr... I yelled "TIT OR BUM!", slammed the door and ran and hid under my bed! I'm pretty sure my dad peed a little from laughing so hard! I was mortified... Even more so the next Monday at school when I realised that trick or treater was a year 7 boy who now looked at me like I absolutely fucking bat shit crazy! OMFG shame! Hahahah! Wanker!
Then there were things like the time we found potatoes randomly growing in the back yard... Which he still claims he has nothing to do with... Even when I recalled that it was really odd that the potatoes were STILL in a plastic bag with the top tied up... He wouldn't admit to putting the spuds there! But I know his stupid smile and I did have fun digging for spuds! So I suppose it's ok!?! Although not as much fun as I had when we went clubbing Bali together...
We were there with my step mother who like usual was making a play for the "biggest cunt of the decade" award. She cracked the shits coz she couldn't understand why my dad and myself who was 5 at the time didn't wanna be dragged around in the disgusting heat for the 9th day in a row to go shopping for cheap Balinese shit! Plus she wanted to ditch me with a Balinese nanny and go out on the piss with my dad... But as she would learn, the hard way, Dad and I were best mates and if anyone was getting ditched... It sure as fuck wasn't guna be me! Anyway so fuck face cracked the shits and fucked off so dad and I hit the town! Yeah I was 5 but so what? We went to the club known as 'Peanuts' and because of my dads size the Balinese doormen let us in... It was dead but the doormen kept buying dad drinks and I remember dancing my little butt off to Madonna on the dance floor! Best night for a 5 year old EVER!!! When we got back to the room Melinda was back and waiting... She asked where we had been and I declared "Dad and I have been out raging!!!" Hahahahaha she wasn't happy... But she was never fucking happy so I think it best she have an actual reason for a change!
When my Dad wasn't tricking me or having fun hanging out with me he also like imparting bogus information onto me... like the time i was half walk through my lunch, which I was really enjoying by the way, when he decides to tell me to be careful I don't drink too much Lucozade... when I asked him why he replied "it'll put hair on your chest!" I looked down my top in fear to check... Nothing there... better not risk it though, I thought to myself and I have quite literally NEVER touched Lucozade since that day!
He still likes to take the piss out of me because I fell for his stupid jokes... I always end up yelling at him "I was 5! Moron" to which he giggles like a little bitch and he has a grin of satisfaction plastered across his big dumb head!
Despite all this and because of all this... I love my Dad! =)
Onto a completely unrelated issue I just wanna say... Dear Dude on the American Idol ad! When you have huge günta ears that make you look like you have 2 satellite dishes on the side of your head DO NOT try and rock out a faux-hawk!!! It makes your ears stand out like large furry dog balls! It's like wearing a glittery spandex thong to try & hide an enormous boner... Doesn't work!!! That is all!
Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo
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