... And then she shat on a turtle!!!

One of my favourite random things to say is.... "Then she shat on a turtle!" It's an all round winner when you're lost for words (or you haven't really been listening but you can tell that the other person expects a response.) It's also useful when everyone goes quiet at a gathering or if you're telling a story and not everyone is paying attention. Another good one (especially at a drive through) is... "And that was the second time I had anal!" The turtle line is from a scene between Austin powers and Nigel powers in Austin Powers- Gold Member... see below:

Austin: Listen, dad, if you are are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English. 

Nigel: All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.) 

Austin: Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? (Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)

Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?) 

Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.) 

Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)

Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! (The insane one?)

Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.) 

Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... (A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck) [complete gibberish] (????????)... 

Austin & Nigel: --tea kettle! 

Nigel: And then, and then-- 

Austin & Nigel: She shat on a turtle!

This got me started on an entire mission to find more of this pommy linguistic shit known as Cockney Rhyming Slang! There's literally tonnes of this crap online... and by crap I mean PURE GOLD!!! Some of it's just made up... Some you need to be a Pom to comprehend but some of it, I found quite funny and thought it could be very useful for taking the piss out of someone and they wouldn't know you just called them a fanny farting nut case shit fucker... Although I can't guarantee they wont think your bat shit crazy! So below I give you some examples of this random, funny, some-what useless, madness and how it works... It's way more complicated than normal English!

What is Cockney Rhyming Slang?
Rhyming Slang phrases are derived from taking an expression which rhymes with a word and then using that expression instead of the word. For example the word "look" rhymes with "butcher's hook". In many cases the rhyming word is omitted - so you won't find too many Londoner's having a "butcher's hook" but you might find a few having a "butcher's".

The rhyming word is not always omitted so Cockney expressions can vary in their construction, and it is simply a matter of convention which version is used.... So basically... Confusion!!!


All dayer (all day drinking session)....................................Leo Sayer
Appendix..............................................................................Jimi Hendrix
Arsehole...............................................................................Jam Roll
Baby............. ........................................................................Basin of Gravy
Bar........................................................................................Ringo Starr
Beaver..................................................................................Sigourney Weaver
Beef.......................................................................................Itchy Teeth
Beverage..............................................................................Edna Everage
Bitchy.....................................................................................Lionel Richie
Burger King...........................................................................Itchy Ring
Cappuccino..........................................................................Al Pacino
Charlie (cocaine)..................................................................Bob Marley
Child Molester.......................................................................Uncle Fester
Cop........................................................................................Pork Chop

Cunt........................................................................................James Blunt

Diarrhoea..............................................................................Tia Maria
Drugs.....................................................................................Fur rugs
Fart.........................................................................................False Start
Floor.......................................................................................Rory Moore
Fucker...................................................................................Chicken Plucker
Gym........................................................................................Fat Boy Slim

Insane....................................................................................Saddam Hussein
Job..........................................................................................Dog's Knob
Keys.......................................................................................Mushy Peas
Lesbian..................................................................................West End Thespian
Lies.........................................................................................Pork Pies
Starvin'....................................................................................Lee Marvin
Money.....................................................................................Fluffy Bunny
Pile of shit..............................................................................Pirate ship
Piles (hemorrhoid'.................................................................Belinda Carlisle's
Out of order............................................................................Alan Border
Sick.........................................................................................Uncle Dick
Slash (urinate).......................................................................Johnny Cash
Stoned...................................................................................Al Caponed
Tosser...................................................................................Dental Flosser
Vagina....................................................................................Morris Minor

By all means, have fun confusing your friends but don't complain to me if they think your Saddam Hussein for saying something like:

I had to call in uncle dick to my new dogs knob coz I had a Leo Sayer and few too many fur rugs over the long weekend! Not to mention I got completely Al Capone'd, lost all my fluffy bunny when I left my wallet in Itchy Ring's, I Johnny Cashed all over my Rory Moore and now I can't find my god damn mushy peas!

I usually like to tell you my thought processes and how certain ideas pop into my head... In this case however it was just one of those random things that comes flying out of my mouth and after Todd and I had a giggle I decided it would be an interesting blog piece... I now present:

Condom flavours NO ONE would be interested in! Also some weird condom flavours that I'm sure someone WOULD be interested in!

BAD:

• Spam, 
• Pickles, 
• Chives/ onion- What have you been eating? You're breath stinks!!!, 
• Bong water, 
• Timber- that's NOT really the kind of wood you're after, 
• Balls- Kind of pointless if you're guna suck a dick and wanna taste balls just bob down and LICK THE BALLS!, 
• Couch Pizza,
• Parmesan cheese (or as we called it my family, Fanny cheese!), 
• Brussel spouts, 
• Urinal cakes- Although I've never tasted a urinal cakes... They may be delightful, but I doubt it, 
• Mushroom soup- That's just weird, 
• Armpit- Eesh! 

POSSIBLE WINNERS:

• Tabasco Sauce- Some people like a hot a cock, 
• BBQ ribs- The condoms would be ribbed... They're ribbed and they're RIBS! Get it!?
• Coleslaw- Tasty coleslaw cock you got going on there, Steve!, "Thanks!"Although I'd be cautious of condoms that taste a little too good... It could lead to an outbreak of drunk, hungry bitches chowing down on your tasty man meat luncheon!!!  

Anyway until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!?!

So it can pretty much be agreed that most people have come to the conclusion that their parents are weird... If you don't think your folks are a bit fucking odd I can guarantee that they think you are! But have you just generalised your parents eccentricities and dismissed them by thinking to yourself "as soon as you've of age I'm sticking your geriatric ass in a home!" or do you actually have set examples of exactly why they, and in turn you are really quite fucked in the head!?! I have examples!!! If you've read my other blog entries you know some of what I'm talking about and if you haven't read them... Fuck off and start from the beginning! You don't start the alphabet at F and go from there do you? NO!

Firstly I love my Dad and while I maintain that he is a moron, he is my moron and I wouldn't change him for anything... After all, good and bad I am who I am because of him. Some of my stories are things he's relayed back to me and others are things I remember because of the trauma and psychological damage it caused! Hahaha! But, seriously! I didn't become this weird all on my own! 


For example: When I was little my dad would drop his guts and when I complained about the smell and accuse him of farting he, somehow managed to convince me it wasn't him that farted it was me... And I went along with it!?! Although I looked confused apparently! Who does that? Who even thinks of that? MY DAD!!! If he was reading this he would be pissing himself laughing! He's amused easily and mostly by his own jokes!


Ok so blaming me for him farting isn't so bad... I guess? But he also had me convinced he was 'magic' up until at least the age of 5.... How did he do this? Well other than getting me to close my eyes and twirl around so he could leave little presents at my feet, he was a big fan of ensuring my belief and devotion to his "magic" by using his windscreen wipers... The cheeky shit would set the wipers, without me seeing, to the interval setting and then count to himself and waved his hand in a slightly gay fashion just as they wiped the windscreen and I was like Oh my frickin' god he IS magic!


Magic aside he was also quite pro-active in his plots to be entertained by poor little Jen! Hahaha. Like the time it was Halloween and he dared me to answer the door responding to "trick or treat" with "tit or bum"... Hahahaha. I did it! I literally threw the door open to this kid and before he could say trick or tr... I yelled "TIT OR BUM!", slammed the door and ran and hid under my bed! I'm pretty sure my dad peed a little from laughing so hard! I was mortified... Even more so the next Monday at school when I realised that trick or treater was a year 7 boy who now looked at me like I absolutely fucking bat shit crazy! OMFG shame! Hahahah! Wanker!


Then there were things like the time we found potatoes randomly growing in the back yard... Which he still claims he has nothing to do with... Even when I recalled that it was really odd that the potatoes were STILL in a plastic bag with the top tied up... He wouldn't admit to putting the spuds there! But I know his stupid smile and I did have fun digging for spuds! So I suppose it's ok!?! Although not as much fun as I had when we went clubbing Bali together...


We were there with my step mother who like usual was making a play for the "biggest cunt of the decade" award. She cracked the shits coz she couldn't understand why my dad and myself who was 5 at the time didn't wanna be dragged around in the disgusting heat for the 9th day in a row to go shopping for cheap Balinese shit! Plus she wanted to ditch me with a Balinese nanny and go out on the piss with my dad... But as she would learn, the hard way, Dad and I were best mates and if anyone was getting ditched... It sure as fuck wasn't guna be me! Anyway so fuck face cracked the shits and fucked off so dad and I hit the town! Yeah I was 5 but so what? We went to the club known as 'Peanuts' and because of my dads size the Balinese doormen let us in... It was dead but the doormen kept buying dad drinks and I remember dancing my little butt off to Madonna on the dance floor! Best night for a 5 year old EVER!!! When we got back to the room Melinda was back and waiting... She asked where we had been and I declared "Dad and I have been out raging!!!" Hahahahaha she wasn't happy... But she was never fucking happy so I think it best she have an actual reason for a change!


When my Dad wasn't tricking me or having fun hanging out with me he also like imparting bogus information onto me... like the time i was half walk through my lunch, which I was really enjoying by the way, when he decides to tell me to be careful I don't drink too much Lucozade... when I asked him why he replied "it'll put hair on your chest!" I looked down my top in fear to check... Nothing there... better not risk it though, I thought to myself and I have quite literally NEVER touched Lucozade since that day! 

He still likes to take the piss out of me because I fell for his stupid jokes... I always end up yelling at him "I was 5! Moron" to which he giggles like a little bitch and he has a grin of satisfaction plastered across his big dumb head! 

Despite all this and because of all this... I love my Dad! =)

Onto a completely unrelated issue I just wanna say... Dear Dude on the American Idol ad! When you have huge günta ears that make you look like you have 2 satellite dishes on the side of your head DO NOT try and rock out a faux-hawk!!! It makes your ears stand out like large furry dog balls! It's like wearing a glittery spandex thong to try & hide an enormous boner... Doesn't work!!! That is all!

Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

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