We've all made baby Jesus cry!

So chances are, if you're reading this blog, you may not be the best christian you can be... If you actually enjoy reading it, well then you're totally fucked! Yeah! Wait! You're not on the wrong page! I haven't been abducted and mind fucked by Tom Cruise into becoming a Scientologist or anything like that... I realise I probably freaked you out by starting this post with talk of 'Heavenly Father' but I'm going somewhere... Besides straight to hell! Now, whether you were raised as a strict Catholic, a Jew, a Satanist like my kids (JOKING!) or even if religion and/ or God never really came up in your house, pretty much everyone has some knowledge of the Ten Commandments. Right now, I can think of 4 but there is definitely another 6 floating around out there! 


Ok so I just Googled it coz I was like which fuckers didn't I remember... It's not important. Main thing is they're a bit shit, but generally, on the whole and despite being written in Pig Latin, they are some common sense decent guidelines for not being a total fuck wad of a human being! BUT it doesn't end there (of course it doesn't) you can't just go off the 10 commandments and think you'll be right when judgement day comes (that being you death, not the whole scenario out of 'The Terminator' movies). There is a whole bunch of other rules in the Bible that no mother fucker ever tells you about! Crazy bullshit rules that, until reading that they were 'sins', I had never even thought they would prevent me from entering 'God's kingdom of heaven'... Oh my god! I'm so totally put out!... Ok, stop laughing. We all know I'm going to hell! But are you? Well, if you have done any of the following, then answer is YES! See you there, fuck face!

WELCOME!!! MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now, here is a list of the 7 things most of you would have done, but that you didn't know made baby Jesus cry!


Sin 1- Hair cuts and shaving: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:27 "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."


Well that's me fucked! I just shaved my beard yesterday!? Do not cut hair at the side of your head... So I'm presuming cutting the back of you hair is ok? And the top? I dunno. It doesn't say WHY not though! Is it a 'fuck with this rule and even if you're the pope you're fucked!" kinda rule or is it just how the dude above prefers hair? Short back and top, long sides thank you, Barber!?

You're going to hell!

You too!

You're... FRICKIN AWESOME!!! Hahaha just joking! You're totally going to hell too!

Sin 2- Cutting and Tattoos: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:28 "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD."


Can you cut your body for the living? And what if someone else puts the tattoo on you... Is that cool? So, don't cut yourself for dead people... Cool and don't do your own tatts! Cool! Makes sense!? What's with the I AM THE LORD bit at the end? Sounds like he was drunk and just a bit too into himself at this point! Yeah, dude we know who you are! Settle the fuck down, ok!?!

Lost your arm? Trying to make light of the situation by getting a comical tattoo? FAIL!!! GO TO HELL! GO DIRECTLY TO HELL! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200

FUCKING EWWW! Yeah, you too! Straight to hell!

Ummm? Hahaha.... Yeah, you're fucked! Straight to hell!

Sin 3- Entering a church with one testicle or no penis: 
(I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP!!!)
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 23:1 "No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD."
Another translation which is slightly more detailed is "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord"


How fucked is that shit!? You lose a nut through... Whatever causes and you're fucking out! 


Bob: "Dear God, please give me the strength to fight my cancer so they don't have to remove my other testicle!" 
God: "Fuck off Lefty! You're fucking dead to me!" 


That's pretty fucking harsh! Basically, If you have no cock and/or balls don't even fucking bother!

He's cool! Good job monkey! Keep it up!

He ALMOST made it into heaven until they double checked the paperwork and saw that he only had one ball! Oh... And that he's ADOLF FUCKING HITLER!!!

Sin 4- Wearing blended fibre clothing. Like cotton/ polyester blends etc:
Bible verse:   Leviticus 19:19 "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”


You are to keep my statuses? Like FaceBook Statuses? Ok!? Don't get that one. I think it means keep shit how I made it and or leave my shit the fuck alone! Which made me think of how bad it would be to work with God in, like an office type environment... Especially if you borrowed his stapler and forgot to put it back... For example:


God: "For Christ sake (THERE'S ANOTHER SIN RIGHT THERE!) don't you dare move anything on my mother fucking desk while I'm mother fucking gone or I'll make the 10 mother fucking plagues of Egypt look like a mother fucking picnic in the Garden of mother fucking Eden, you hear me, you mother fucker?! I still haven't found my mother fucking stapler from last time I went out of the mother fucking office and I know it was you Moses so don't look at me like that, mother fucker! Yes, I know! Of course, I know! I was hoping the guilt would get to you and you'd confess! But no! What are you.. What is that look? Are you... Shaking your head at... Oh fucking hell no! That's it! Go walk in the desert! NOW mother fucker! GO! DESERT! NOW GO! Go for a nice hot stroll! Come back in 40 years when you learn some fucking office etiquette! You don't borrow someone's stapler and not put it back! Go on! GO! Looking at you makes me fucking sick! Stapler stealing, (A SIN) lying, no good, dodgy, sinning mother fucker! Go on! Get the fuck out of my sight!"


Moses should just be thankful he wasn't wearing a cotton/polyester blend at the time! By this rule we are all fucked! Got a x breaded dog? You're fucked. Do you eat genetically modified food? You're fucked! Got some kind of funky cross bread rare plants in your garden... You're fucked! Got a Bible made out of 50% recycled paper? You're MAJORLY FUCKED!!! 

He's cool... Just don't touch his fucking stapler! Or fuck with ANY of the other shit he made... Which is like everything!

Sin 5- Jewellery and skanky clothes: 
Bible verse: Timothy 2:9 “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”


Dress like shit and you're in! Unless you're wearing a synthetic or blended fibre coz then you're fucked! Wrap yourself in non cross contaminated cotton, grow you hair out, don't shave and keep both testicles and you may have a chance of not burning in hell for all eternity.

You can bet your ass that, Paris Hilton and her bung eye are both going to hell! Thank god! <----- Hahaha!

Sin 6- Defencive  knob touching: 
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 25:11-12 “If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.”

Well that's fucked! You fight some dude off, trying to help you hubby out and you spit in his eye and grab his nuts and you get your fucking hand chopped off! Where the fuck is the logic in that? And the best part is, as the husband of the cock fondling skank wife you cut her hand off and god's like "DO IT! and don't you fucking feel bad about it!" Personally I think soap would have sufficiently removed all traces of the foreign penis from her hand but the Bible was written like 20 years BEFORE Detol so yeah?!? HA! Hahaha...

Yeah... So none of this!

Or this!

And definately NONE of this!

Sin 7- Eating certain animals:

Bible verse: Leviticus 11:10 “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.”  

So if it swims but doesn't have scales and fins it's a NO NO!! Like lobster? YOU'RE FUCKED! Squid rings? FUCKED! Mussels? FUCKED!!! It then goes onto specify a whole bunch of other animals they you can't eat: Pig (I thought this was only a Jewish thing, but apparently not), camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat , bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile, chameleon, snail and winged insects that walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with??? Well that's easy enough but what the fuck is with the last one!? That's like really specific! Why can't you eat winged insects on four legs? WHY? And what the fuck is the difference if the have joints to jump with!? They had a decent chance of getting away so therefore if you catch them and eat them, you really deserve it?

Can't eat him...

... or him

... and sadly, not even him :(
Hahahaha!?!

So there you go kiddies! We're all fucked! And it's not even your fault! You were screwed the moment your mum dressed you in artificial fabrics and got your hair cut! Sorry! 

For all of you worried that all this sin may somehow result in a demon residing in your rectum, here's a coupon for a free KVJ (no idea) check! So yeah... Good luck with that!?!

Well, Sinners! That's all for now! So, until next time...


Love ya guts! 


Love, Jen xoxo

... And then she shat on a turtle!!!

One of my favourite random things to say is.... "Then she shat on a turtle!" It's an all round winner when you're lost for words (or you haven't really been listening but you can tell that the other person expects a response.) It's also useful when everyone goes quiet at a gathering or if you're telling a story and not everyone is paying attention. Another good one (especially at a drive through) is... "And that was the second time I had anal!" The turtle line is from a scene between Austin powers and Nigel powers in Austin Powers- Gold Member... see below:

Austin: Listen, dad, if you are are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English. 

Nigel: All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.) 

Austin: Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? (Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)

Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?) 

Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.) 

Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)

Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! (The insane one?)

Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.) 

Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... (A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck) [complete gibberish] (????????)... 

Austin & Nigel: --tea kettle! 

Nigel: And then, and then-- 

Austin & Nigel: She shat on a turtle!

This got me started on an entire mission to find more of this pommy linguistic shit known as Cockney Rhyming Slang! There's literally tonnes of this crap online... and by crap I mean PURE GOLD!!! Some of it's just made up... Some you need to be a Pom to comprehend but some of it, I found quite funny and thought it could be very useful for taking the piss out of someone and they wouldn't know you just called them a fanny farting nut case shit fucker... Although I can't guarantee they wont think your bat shit crazy! So below I give you some examples of this random, funny, some-what useless, madness and how it works... It's way more complicated than normal English!

What is Cockney Rhyming Slang?
Rhyming Slang phrases are derived from taking an expression which rhymes with a word and then using that expression instead of the word. For example the word "look" rhymes with "butcher's hook". In many cases the rhyming word is omitted - so you won't find too many Londoner's having a "butcher's hook" but you might find a few having a "butcher's".

The rhyming word is not always omitted so Cockney expressions can vary in their construction, and it is simply a matter of convention which version is used.... So basically... Confusion!!!


All dayer (all day drinking session)....................................Leo Sayer
Appendix..............................................................................Jimi Hendrix
Arsehole...............................................................................Jam Roll
Baby............. ........................................................................Basin of Gravy
Bar........................................................................................Ringo Starr
Beaver..................................................................................Sigourney Weaver
Beef.......................................................................................Itchy Teeth
Beverage..............................................................................Edna Everage
Bitchy.....................................................................................Lionel Richie
Burger King...........................................................................Itchy Ring
Cappuccino..........................................................................Al Pacino
Charlie (cocaine)..................................................................Bob Marley
Child Molester.......................................................................Uncle Fester
Cop........................................................................................Pork Chop

Cunt........................................................................................James Blunt

Diarrhoea..............................................................................Tia Maria
Drugs.....................................................................................Fur rugs
Fart.........................................................................................False Start
Floor.......................................................................................Rory Moore
Fucker...................................................................................Chicken Plucker
Gym........................................................................................Fat Boy Slim

Insane....................................................................................Saddam Hussein
Job..........................................................................................Dog's Knob
Keys.......................................................................................Mushy Peas
Lesbian..................................................................................West End Thespian
Lies.........................................................................................Pork Pies
Starvin'....................................................................................Lee Marvin
Money.....................................................................................Fluffy Bunny
Pile of shit..............................................................................Pirate ship
Piles (hemorrhoid'.................................................................Belinda Carlisle's
Out of order............................................................................Alan Border
Sick.........................................................................................Uncle Dick
Slash (urinate).......................................................................Johnny Cash
Stoned...................................................................................Al Caponed
Tosser...................................................................................Dental Flosser
Vagina....................................................................................Morris Minor

By all means, have fun confusing your friends but don't complain to me if they think your Saddam Hussein for saying something like:

I had to call in uncle dick to my new dogs knob coz I had a Leo Sayer and few too many fur rugs over the long weekend! Not to mention I got completely Al Capone'd, lost all my fluffy bunny when I left my wallet in Itchy Ring's, I Johnny Cashed all over my Rory Moore and now I can't find my god damn mushy peas!

I usually like to tell you my thought processes and how certain ideas pop into my head... In this case however it was just one of those random things that comes flying out of my mouth and after Todd and I had a giggle I decided it would be an interesting blog piece... I now present:

Condom flavours NO ONE would be interested in! Also some weird condom flavours that I'm sure someone WOULD be interested in!

BAD:

• Spam, 
• Pickles, 
• Chives/ onion- What have you been eating? You're breath stinks!!!, 
• Bong water, 
• Timber- that's NOT really the kind of wood you're after, 
• Balls- Kind of pointless if you're guna suck a dick and wanna taste balls just bob down and LICK THE BALLS!, 
• Couch Pizza,
• Parmesan cheese (or as we called it my family, Fanny cheese!), 
• Brussel spouts, 
• Urinal cakes- Although I've never tasted a urinal cakes... They may be delightful, but I doubt it, 
• Mushroom soup- That's just weird, 
• Armpit- Eesh! 

POSSIBLE WINNERS:

• Tabasco Sauce- Some people like a hot a cock, 
• BBQ ribs- The condoms would be ribbed... They're ribbed and they're RIBS! Get it!?
• Coleslaw- Tasty coleslaw cock you got going on there, Steve!, "Thanks!"Although I'd be cautious of condoms that taste a little too good... It could lead to an outbreak of drunk, hungry bitches chowing down on your tasty man meat luncheon!!!  

Anyway until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo