Up to my arm pits in shit! Fucking LITERALLY!!!

First thing's first! I am currently typing this post on my epic new laptop! It is AWESOME-NESS personified! It is totally fucking mind blowing-ly turbo charged to the MAXIMUM possible extreme allowed by the laws of the universe!!! This would not be possible if not for the donations of some super fan-tab-u-lous people! They didn't have to help me, but they did anyway, for no other reason other than the fact that I asked. Their generosity amazed and surprised me and honestly, I am and always will be, forever thankful! Who are these wonderful giving, souls? Well, without further ado, I present my heroes! Yaaaaayyyyy! Weeeeeeee! Oh and if you enjoy my blog, then you owe them a thank you, too, otherwise there would be no blog! 

Hahaha WOW that's freaky!

And to everyone else who wanted to donate but couldn't, your support and encouragement was/ is amazing and means the world to me, so thank you! Honestly! THANK YOU!!! I'd be no where without my loyal, nutty and awesome readers!


NOW!!! On to the good stuff...


So, you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while (about 2 weeks- which for me is a life time!) I've been in a shitty funk so I didn't want to write a blog that lead to mass suicides or even worse, gave the impression I support emo-ism! Besides not wanting to write negative shit, I actually had NO desire to blog. NONE! This has never happened before! There's been times I've been tired or just not 'feeling it' so I've postponed posting for a day or 2 but this is totally different. The possibility of giving the whole blogging gig away altogether even seriously crossed my mind. I was just feeling OFF!

Yeah, a little like this... And a bit like... This...

But obviously, you're reading this... Which means I'm writing it... So, not all is totally lost. Before you freak out and heave your PC at a wall because you figure I'm going to go through every single shitty detail of why I'm in a poxy mood... Relax... I'm not going to bore you with my shit! Plus, I just popped a couple of Valium so I don't remember half of it anyway! Half of what!? Eg-fucking-zactly!

So ever since having my beautiful fat boy, Logie-Bear, almost 2 years ago I have been very un-awesome! I had a difficult pregnancy, which I basically went through alone because my hubby was working away 4 weeks at a time. Then I got post natal depression. Which is a mother fucker. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar movies made me hysterical and if anyone witnessed this, they would have been like... "Woah! That bitch needs a padded cell and some Enya STAT!" Although, I think the Enya would have pushed my right over the edge! So yeah that happened. My Prozac no longer worked...Booo! So, I went on a new drug and was ok.

My problem is, 2 years on, I feel fucked again and I don't feel like myself... At fucking all! It's not post natal (which I don't any more). I have depression. But, this is beyond depression and beyond post natal... There's a difference... Just trust me. I just feel shit! I eat fuck all and can't lose weight, I'm tired, I have headaches, blah blah blah. So I'm pretty sure I have a retarded thyroid! Fucking window licker! But, I wont know until Friday when I see my doc so fingers crossed it IS thyroid coz then I can get some drugs, make some appropriate changes and then, hopefully once again I can rock out with my cock out... Or jam out with my clam out... *Disclaimer there with be no actual clam exposure!

I think, not knowing and wanting to get this bullshit sorted is part of what's doing my head in. That and a whole heap of other crap that's happened in the last week.

So fingers crossed for me, please and I'll let you all know whats going on when I know!

Anyway! So last night I totally redefined the meaning of having a shit day! Like, fucking epically! Logan isn't really pro having his afternoon nap so once he's down for a sleep it's literally like no one make a god damn noise... If you have to fart or something... Don't... Or spread your cheeks and puff it out! One of the other rules is, I told Isabelle if she just does wees while he's asleep, don't flush. This is because she smashes the toilet seat down like it owes her money, climbs on it, flushes, usually while yelling 'Mummy, I flushed!'

Ok, so you get the picture... Logan's napping, Isabelle's gone to pee 'x' amount of times and I had to poop... Sorry but, it happens! I didn't even look in the bowl until I stood up to flush... I swear there was a fucking ROLL's worth of toilet paper in there. So, I flush the toilet and.... Blob blob blurb... The water fucking rises! I'm like FAAARK! I waited, hoping it would get it's shit together (excuse the pun) and go down, but no! Not owning a plunger, I tried to push it all down with the toilet brush... Which turns out wasn't long enough and just resulted in me dunking my hand in piss and shit as well as having nards embedded in the bristles of the brush... By this time, Todd's heard my panic and yelled from the lounge room asking "What the fuck, I was doing!?" I'm like "the toilets blocked! I'll fix it! Don't fucking go in there! I will fix it! DON'T GO IN THERE!!! He laughed at me and said "Jesus, woman! How big was your shit!?" I just yelled "FUCK UP, TODD!!!!"

So, I got a big stick that usually resides in my window sill, to try and jam the paper and shit down the 'S' bend... It wasn't flexible enough... So I ran out the back, (while once again reiterating to Todd "don't you fucking go in there!") to cut off a length of garden hose... Longer than than the stick... And flexible! It. Did. Not. Work!!!


So, I did what I had to do when faced with a bowl full of my shit and piss... I went in... I faced my shit demon! Well, my arm did... I know, I know! Fucking gross! So, I basically looked like one of those farmers who puts their arm up a cow... I'm slowly moving chunks of toilet paper and shit around, while thinking... Not much really, other than turd, turd, paper, turd, paper... Then finally, after what seemed like 4 hours, and throwing my shoulder out from contorting my arm to the shape of the 'S' bend, the fucker unblocked and it all went down the shitter... Literally!

This was followed by me scrubbing my arm like I was prepping for surgery, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing my arm again, pine-o-cleen-ing my entire arm, yelling to Todd "I never want to be a plumber!", before showering... Vigorously...Taking a handful Valium (with my LEFT hand- just in case), followed by trying not to crap ever again! So, before you tell me 'you had a shit week".... SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking hell no, you didn't!!!

Totally me... I wasn't rocking the devilish smile, though! (At least, I don't think so... I couldn't see my own face- No mirror in my crapper... Any more.)

ALMOST ME! Except no stilettos... And this chick has no arse... Or vagina?

So, there you have it! I apologise if you vomited!


Until next time (which hopefully wont be so fucking long!)...


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

We've all made baby Jesus cry!

So chances are, if you're reading this blog, you may not be the best christian you can be... If you actually enjoy reading it, well then you're totally fucked! Yeah! Wait! You're not on the wrong page! I haven't been abducted and mind fucked by Tom Cruise into becoming a Scientologist or anything like that... I realise I probably freaked you out by starting this post with talk of 'Heavenly Father' but I'm going somewhere... Besides straight to hell! Now, whether you were raised as a strict Catholic, a Jew, a Satanist like my kids (JOKING!) or even if religion and/ or God never really came up in your house, pretty much everyone has some knowledge of the Ten Commandments. Right now, I can think of 4 but there is definitely another 6 floating around out there! 


Ok so I just Googled it coz I was like which fuckers didn't I remember... It's not important. Main thing is they're a bit shit, but generally, on the whole and despite being written in Pig Latin, they are some common sense decent guidelines for not being a total fuck wad of a human being! BUT it doesn't end there (of course it doesn't) you can't just go off the 10 commandments and think you'll be right when judgement day comes (that being you death, not the whole scenario out of 'The Terminator' movies). There is a whole bunch of other rules in the Bible that no mother fucker ever tells you about! Crazy bullshit rules that, until reading that they were 'sins', I had never even thought they would prevent me from entering 'God's kingdom of heaven'... Oh my god! I'm so totally put out!... Ok, stop laughing. We all know I'm going to hell! But are you? Well, if you have done any of the following, then answer is YES! See you there, fuck face!

WELCOME!!! MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now, here is a list of the 7 things most of you would have done, but that you didn't know made baby Jesus cry!


Sin 1- Hair cuts and shaving: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:27 "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."


Well that's me fucked! I just shaved my beard yesterday!? Do not cut hair at the side of your head... So I'm presuming cutting the back of you hair is ok? And the top? I dunno. It doesn't say WHY not though! Is it a 'fuck with this rule and even if you're the pope you're fucked!" kinda rule or is it just how the dude above prefers hair? Short back and top, long sides thank you, Barber!?

You're going to hell!

You too!

You're... FRICKIN AWESOME!!! Hahaha just joking! You're totally going to hell too!

Sin 2- Cutting and Tattoos: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:28 "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD."


Can you cut your body for the living? And what if someone else puts the tattoo on you... Is that cool? So, don't cut yourself for dead people... Cool and don't do your own tatts! Cool! Makes sense!? What's with the I AM THE LORD bit at the end? Sounds like he was drunk and just a bit too into himself at this point! Yeah, dude we know who you are! Settle the fuck down, ok!?!

Lost your arm? Trying to make light of the situation by getting a comical tattoo? FAIL!!! GO TO HELL! GO DIRECTLY TO HELL! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200

FUCKING EWWW! Yeah, you too! Straight to hell!

Ummm? Hahaha.... Yeah, you're fucked! Straight to hell!

Sin 3- Entering a church with one testicle or no penis: 
(I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP!!!)
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 23:1 "No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD."
Another translation which is slightly more detailed is "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord"


How fucked is that shit!? You lose a nut through... Whatever causes and you're fucking out! 


Bob: "Dear God, please give me the strength to fight my cancer so they don't have to remove my other testicle!" 
God: "Fuck off Lefty! You're fucking dead to me!" 


That's pretty fucking harsh! Basically, If you have no cock and/or balls don't even fucking bother!

He's cool! Good job monkey! Keep it up!

He ALMOST made it into heaven until they double checked the paperwork and saw that he only had one ball! Oh... And that he's ADOLF FUCKING HITLER!!!

Sin 4- Wearing blended fibre clothing. Like cotton/ polyester blends etc:
Bible verse:   Leviticus 19:19 "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”


You are to keep my statuses? Like FaceBook Statuses? Ok!? Don't get that one. I think it means keep shit how I made it and or leave my shit the fuck alone! Which made me think of how bad it would be to work with God in, like an office type environment... Especially if you borrowed his stapler and forgot to put it back... For example:


God: "For Christ sake (THERE'S ANOTHER SIN RIGHT THERE!) don't you dare move anything on my mother fucking desk while I'm mother fucking gone or I'll make the 10 mother fucking plagues of Egypt look like a mother fucking picnic in the Garden of mother fucking Eden, you hear me, you mother fucker?! I still haven't found my mother fucking stapler from last time I went out of the mother fucking office and I know it was you Moses so don't look at me like that, mother fucker! Yes, I know! Of course, I know! I was hoping the guilt would get to you and you'd confess! But no! What are you.. What is that look? Are you... Shaking your head at... Oh fucking hell no! That's it! Go walk in the desert! NOW mother fucker! GO! DESERT! NOW GO! Go for a nice hot stroll! Come back in 40 years when you learn some fucking office etiquette! You don't borrow someone's stapler and not put it back! Go on! GO! Looking at you makes me fucking sick! Stapler stealing, (A SIN) lying, no good, dodgy, sinning mother fucker! Go on! Get the fuck out of my sight!"


Moses should just be thankful he wasn't wearing a cotton/polyester blend at the time! By this rule we are all fucked! Got a x breaded dog? You're fucked. Do you eat genetically modified food? You're fucked! Got some kind of funky cross bread rare plants in your garden... You're fucked! Got a Bible made out of 50% recycled paper? You're MAJORLY FUCKED!!! 

He's cool... Just don't touch his fucking stapler! Or fuck with ANY of the other shit he made... Which is like everything!

Sin 5- Jewellery and skanky clothes: 
Bible verse: Timothy 2:9 “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”


Dress like shit and you're in! Unless you're wearing a synthetic or blended fibre coz then you're fucked! Wrap yourself in non cross contaminated cotton, grow you hair out, don't shave and keep both testicles and you may have a chance of not burning in hell for all eternity.

You can bet your ass that, Paris Hilton and her bung eye are both going to hell! Thank god! <----- Hahaha!

Sin 6- Defencive  knob touching: 
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 25:11-12 “If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.”

Well that's fucked! You fight some dude off, trying to help you hubby out and you spit in his eye and grab his nuts and you get your fucking hand chopped off! Where the fuck is the logic in that? And the best part is, as the husband of the cock fondling skank wife you cut her hand off and god's like "DO IT! and don't you fucking feel bad about it!" Personally I think soap would have sufficiently removed all traces of the foreign penis from her hand but the Bible was written like 20 years BEFORE Detol so yeah?!? HA! Hahaha...

Yeah... So none of this!

Or this!

And definately NONE of this!

Sin 7- Eating certain animals:

Bible verse: Leviticus 11:10 “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.”  

So if it swims but doesn't have scales and fins it's a NO NO!! Like lobster? YOU'RE FUCKED! Squid rings? FUCKED! Mussels? FUCKED!!! It then goes onto specify a whole bunch of other animals they you can't eat: Pig (I thought this was only a Jewish thing, but apparently not), camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat , bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile, chameleon, snail and winged insects that walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with??? Well that's easy enough but what the fuck is with the last one!? That's like really specific! Why can't you eat winged insects on four legs? WHY? And what the fuck is the difference if the have joints to jump with!? They had a decent chance of getting away so therefore if you catch them and eat them, you really deserve it?

Can't eat him...

... or him

... and sadly, not even him :(
Hahahaha!?!

So there you go kiddies! We're all fucked! And it's not even your fault! You were screwed the moment your mum dressed you in artificial fabrics and got your hair cut! Sorry! 

For all of you worried that all this sin may somehow result in a demon residing in your rectum, here's a coupon for a free KVJ (no idea) check! So yeah... Good luck with that!?!

Well, Sinners! That's all for now! So, until next time...


Love ya guts! 


Love, Jen xoxo