I am the Internet!

Where the fuck have I been?? I have NOT been committed. Nor have I learnt the error of my ways and joined a NUNnery or a MONKery... Hahaha. Monkery! I still don't have a new laptop... I'm getting there... S-L-O-W-L-Y!!! So the laptop I'm borrowing decided to start shooting blue sparks out of the charger... I know! Exciting, right? But that didn't stop me from using it... After all... What's a little electrocution between friends? These blue sparks resulted in the charger deciding it couldn't work under those conditions so it just stopped working... No 2 weeks notice. No big explosive finale or anything like that! Although, some would say the blue sparks were notice enough and to them I say 'You  dUmB!' 


I purchased a replacement charger for the laptop I'm borrowing so I am back to using that... I'm still making more typo's than a 1 handed, half blind, cracked out, illiterate spider monkey but hey,  it's still better than running around my front yard screaming "I AM THE INTERNET!!!"
I'm used to a big keyboard with all the keys being present. This is a widdle (yes... WIDDLE!) keyboard and it's missing more keys than your local hillbilly is missing teeth... Which means...Typos! Too many typos! Too many! *starts twitching!* 
So I'm typing this on my phone and will proceed to email it to myself (possibly with some sexy nude pictures attached!) Then send it to my blog... Then onto you! See! It's all very complex! Lot of ins! Lot of outs! Lot of what-have-yous!


So in anticipation of getting a new laptop (remember I still need donations) I started looking up some extras I might 'need' for when I get it. Like most of my ventures it starts off innocently enough... Then before I know it I wake up after a 3 days bender... Nipples covered in glitter, surrounded by dildos that have all mysteriously been covered with dirty socks that aren't mine and my mouth left tasting like Playdoh!? Good times! Where was I? Oh yeah... Laptop accessories! Specifically USB  accessories! So I'm browsing and before long I found myself going from the practical (like the USB coffee mug warmer) to what the fucking fuck (like a fake USB powered aquarium)!?! Now you can re-live my journey! 

What is it? It's a George Foreman USB Grill of course! Wait... What? Yeah, you read correctly! So many times I have been sitting at my desk typing away and thinking if only I could grill myself a healthy meal without having to leave my seat (how you get the food from the fridge to the grill is up to you- unless you buy a USB fridge!?) The whole thing seams a bit weird to me! Verdict: USELESS

What is it? USB HUMPING dogs! Why? Um... Coz we all want to see a small plastic dog humping our laptops? Don't we? Verdict: Somewhat entertaining. A good way to get you fired or incite sexual harassment! Wanna see it in action? Click here!
Verdict: USELESS & Weird!

What is it? A USB oil burner. Not my cup of tea but I suppose it's a nice present for someone who has everything and smells a bit like ass! Verdict: NOT COMPLETELY USELESS!

What is it? A USB pet rock... You plug it in... That's it! It does NOTHING. It draws NO power. It has NO drivers! WHY?  Why would anyone want this? Verdict: USELESS & STUPID!

What is it? It's a washing machine! Hahaha! No, not really! It's a USB electric guitar that is apparently surprisingly awesome! See for yourself click me! Want even more specs? Click here!
It has real strings, can be used with or without a computer and is ALWAYS in tune! Verdict: FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Ok this isn't a USB  accessory but it's so cool I had to add it anyway! What is it? A Genuine Marshall mini amp that's what! What does it do? Well! It looks and sounds like a full-size amp. It comes with a belt clip for hands-free operation and a headphone jack for private rocking out! You can control tone & volume and literally rock out with your cock out... If that's what blows your hair back! 

                                             

                                     See! Awesome! (Runs off a 9 volt battery!)

What is it? A USB keyboard vacuum! I think this is an awesome idea! A fun way to get rid of all the crap that accumulates under the keys of your keyboard! Verdict: Cool and useful!

What is it? A USB missile launcher! You can even attach a webcam to this remote controlled missile launcher and accurately aim at passers by and then POW POW POW Man down! Man down! I'm hit!
*Evil laugh!* Excellent!!!

What is it? A USB mini fridge. Just big enough for a can of drink! Verdict: If you don't have a fridge at work and you like a soda with lunch this is for you. But if, like me your a "go hard or go home, nothing by halves" sorta person then....

This is for you!!! What is it? A BIG USB fridge! Big enough to store food to cook on your George Foreman USB Grill! See it's all making sense? Verdict: Cool, especially if you don't have a fridge... For some strange reason! Don't blame me if every man and his humping USB dog wants to put their drinks in your fridge though!

BAM! You HAVE to be entertained by a woman on a pole or you may literally die!!! I know, I know! It's a daily battle! WELL, THIS IS FOR YOU!!! She dances for you as you type. She comes with her own music, lights and pole plus there's no need to go change a hundred into smaller notes for tips! The faster you type the faster she dances! Verdict: WEIRD!!!

What is it? A USB eye massager. Wait... What? EYE MASSAGER!? ... I don't get it! I've NEVER EVER thought "Fuck! The muscles in my eyes are tight! I really need a massage... Preferably with a strange red rubber hand that plugs into the USB drive on my computer!" NEVER!!! Verdict: WTF!!!

What is it? A USB panic button. You know the drill! You're on Facebook or READING MY BLOG and all of a sudden... THE BOSS!!! FAAAARK!!! What do you do? Panic? NO! Panic Button? Yes! With a press of the huge red button, the USB Panic Button allows you to replace what is on your computer screen with a "pretend" work file. The included software features several fake spread sheets for use, as well as the ability to customise your own "panic" work pages. Verdict: Awesome! Although you boss may wonder why the fuck you have a massive red button on your desk. What you tell them is up to you!

What is it? A USB Ghost detector! Why? Coz some fool will buy it!? Probably?!? This device beeps and flashes red lights in response to "unusual magnetic waves" — meaning it will let you know when you're in the presence of ghosts. Who the fuck figured out what frequencies ghosts operate on? When did that happen? Apparently the Japanese figured it out but wont tell anyone else the 'secret' ... COUGH *BULLSHIT* This 'ghost detector' also doubles as a flash drive... Verdict: WEIRD! 

So there you have it! Another installment of weird shit from yours truly! Hopefully the next time I post a blog entry it will be from behind a sexy new laptop! Hopefully!!!

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Smile if you take it in the ass!

Whenever I start a new blog post it usually begins with a theme... Where it goes after that, well that's anyone's guess, but I always begin with semi normal intentions and a generalized theme! Whenever I have spare time and I'm online I like to look for blog material. If I come across something strange and/ or funny I save it. Here's a collection of random finds that don't really fit into any category other than they either made me laugh or freaked me right the fuck out!!! Ummm... Enjoy?

Something for the boys... Or old men with a Viagra prescription!!!! How to pee with a boner!

I'd love to actually know what's going on here... I hope she didn't drink too much...  She looks like a nasty fucking drunk ... And a biter!

Little Miss Muffet.
Sat on her tuffet.
Eating her curds & whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her and...
He was like "Fucking god damn bitch! I'm just guna leave you the fuck alone!"

Wow! That is all!

... And this is why you should never fuck your hairdressers husband! 

It's call UNDERwear for a reason... Yikes!

You too, BITCH! Seriously, what the fuck!?!

His butt crack looks like a tiny little vagina! $10 says it doesn't smell like vagina though!

Is he trying to prove he doesn't take it in the ass?

Well, that's one way to get your hubby to stop taking you from behind! Unfortunately she's married to the dude in the picture above...

Ummm... Yeah!?

Ok so there's the dude trying to smuggle a basket ball in his shorts or there's Bride of Frankenstein ... Or 'Happy', as her friends call her... You pick the weirdo!

The real 'Joe Dirt'!

THIS is what I'm talking when I refer to 'back titties'
Just think... If she gave you head while you were standing, her back fat is in the shape of a love heart! And people say romance is dead! Pffft! 

He's shopping for condoms! Fucking WHY?!?

It's the ancient battle of the melting gut versus the hungry vagina!!! The victim? Her shorts!

Anyone else wanna rub his titties? No? 

YO! Check it! Hahaha! WEIRD!

Hahahaha! GOLD!

Yeah, thanks DAD! Fuck head!

Nar... I think he CAN get them a little higher! His poor vagina! Yeesh!

You heard the man!

... That stupid mole of a dressmaker fucked up my dress!
It's off white! I specifically said EGG SHELL!!! Christ! 

That's the same thing I said to Todd when we first met... 

No idea what's going on here! I think someone's taking the piss... Although, I may not make any sense if I had someone park their car on my privates?

I'm so confused... And extremely aroused!!!

Japan! Great fucking county!

This is what I may have to resort to get some more donations to my blog!  

I fell in love with this picture. Hopefully it'll make up for all the trauma caused from viewing the above!

Remember kiddies... Donations are most appreciated and are a fantastic preventative for sudden penile combustion! Fucking BOOM! Hahahaha! 

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

OMG! You're like totally 5% less bald than before!

How could you not want one?

FIRSTLY! FROM NOW UNTIL OCTOBER 31ST IF YOU DONATE $5 OR MORE TO MY BLOG (JUST CLICK THE DONATE BUTTON ON THE RIGHT) YOU GO IN THE RUNNING TO WIN AN IPOD NANO (6TH GEN WITH TOUCH SCREEN, RADIO, PEDOMETER, 8GB RRP $179) NO CATCHES IT'S BRAND NEW IN THE BOX. NEVER USED OR OPENED. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONATED YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE DRAW!!! GOOD LUCK & THANK YOU! PS each $5 gets you ONE entry. 2 entries for $10, 3 for $15 etc etc. I'm happy to send the IPOD overseas so everyone can donate and enter. It's AU$5! 

I was talking to Todd the other night and the subject of comb overs came up... Anyway... And I don't really know why, but comb overs make me really angry! It's just one of my many MANY oddities! So anyway... Comb overs... RAAARRRRR! I'm totally sympathetic to men losing their hairs (yes, I said HAIRS- coz when you're going bald you notice every single fucking follicle that decides to up and abandon your increasingly shiny little head!) and just because male pattern baldness has been accepted by society doesn't mean it's any easier on the poor dude whose losing his locks! HOWEVER...  Comb overs? Really, guys are you serious? You look absolutely fucking ridiculous and you aren't fooling anyone!!! No one has ever... EVER looked at a dude with a comb and thought 'Fuck me, that guy has really great fucking head of hair!' NO ONE! EVER!


 You obviously have a complex about having no hair. You may think people are judging you for being follicular-ly challenged or that they are appalled at your unabashed naked scalp openly parading in full view of small children but in reality no one cares! We've seen bald guys before... It's not shocking or memorable. That being said, if you really DO want to stand out and be judged and laughed at then the comb over is a great fucking move! You are guaranteed to draw attention to yourself in a way that just being bald will never do. Plus you can be sure you're rocking the shit out of that sexy paedophile chic, that all us women secretly desire! 


Now share the horror, the disgust, the seedy feelings and the humour of *BARM BARM BARRRM!* COMB OVERS UNLEASHED!!!

Dear Sir, In order to sport a 'successful' comb over, you must have enough hair to COMB the other hair OVER to... 

With a head like that, I hardly see why it matters, but with his money... WTF!?! Obviously he has that much money that no one will tell him he looks like a raging homo... Actually, no! No self respecting gay dude would EVER have that shit on their heads! He should change his name to Lester the Molester! Or maybe Donald Hump?

Why fucking bother? Wow you're like 5% less bald! It's like getting a full Brazilian wax but leaving a landing strip and letting it really bush up! It's just fucking weird!!! And it makes NO sense!

Now THAT's dedication!!! Yeah, dude coz no one's gunna notice that huge random part at the back of your head? FUCK HEAD!!! OMFG I would so scream at this guy if I saw him out in public! "Hey, fuck head! NICE FUCKING HAIR, FUCK HEAD!!! YEAH, YOU! YA FUCK HEAD!!!"

This is just like a half assed effort of the above! I respect the other dude more though coz at least he put a solid effort into looking completely out of touch with the modern free thinking world! EPIC FAIL!!!

Hahahahaha! His whole head is backwards. Or sideways? Or upside down? Fuck knows!!! Between his eyebrows and his hair I'm so so so lost! Hahahaha! Aaaannnnd! I'm back! Fucking freak!

So until next time my lovelies...


Please DONATE!


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo