Vulva-licious!

Firstly, to those of you dying to know the outcome from the events I covered in my last post, "Boners? Bargain!"  Yes, 'Hard Ten Days' worked... I was surprised at how well it worked! It was kinda like freaky erection... I thought Todd's dick was guna jump out of it's skin... I actually laughed at it for a considerable amount of time... Which surprisingly, didn't effect his freaky porn boner one iota! That being said I think they should change it's name from 'Hard Ten Days' to 'Can't Walk Two Weeks'! Hahaha... If you catch my drift... 


So for those who wanted to know. Yes it absolutely worked and it's quite cheap too! Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below or emailed to me at jenbear1985@gmail.com... Just put Hard Ten Days Questions in the subject line so I don't think your message is SPAM and delete it!
Ok so my last post was pretty much all about dick... But I did briefly touch on a product called, 'YING DA WANG', which is for females. If you remember, this product claimed to... 
'Increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....' 
Which got me thinking: what other sorts of warped and (not so) wonderful products are out there for the fairer sex? This question was soon answered accompanied with fits of giggles from myself as I realised my naivety in regards to the 'wonderful' world of lotions, potions, perfumes, devices, soaps and pills available for your humble run of the mill vagina!

So without any further ado...


Name: JAMU SOAP (Sabun Sari KESED)
Use: This soap claims to tighten your vagina!
Sales Pitch: Rules of Use- Soaped at interior femininity flatten and hushed for a few minutes, rinsed last / to be washed until cleanness.

Benefits:
1. Creating harmony in the household, husband and wife happiness
2. Absorb excessive mucus
3. Make vagina becomes kesed
4. Eradicating germs in the vagina
5. Eliminate unpleasant odors
6. Eliminate black mole-mole between your thighs 7. Eliminating the smell of sweat is not good

Ok... So how do you use it? Wait, who cares! I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IS KESED!? MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS BLACK MOLE-MOLE between your thighs? Hahahaha! Someone help me! I can't breathe! 

Name: Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream (No, it's not glue like I originally thought)

Use: Once again... Vaginal Tightening!
Sales Pitch: Apply a liberal amount of Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Sure Grip Tighten Her       Cream also works as a deodorant and disinfectant. It   also claims to "Tighten your vagina, like the first time... For that Honeymoon fit!" 

I still think it sounds like glue! Plus one of the ingredients is a mold repellent... Nothing says confidence like a mold free vagina!? I discovered a whole range of these vag creams! All with highly amusing names like: 18 again, Tight stuff, China shrink cream, Snuggles, Crazy girl wanna be tight! I think Crazy Girl has to be my favourite! 

Name: Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

Use: My guess... Pumping the pussy!

Sales pitch: Super-sensitise your vagina for extreme levels of pleasure! The Doc Johnson Pussy pump is easy to use and will enlarge your vagina making it super sensitive. Unlike other pump the Doc Johnson version has a patented removable valve allowing you pump it up to create a vacuum and then remove the hose and it will keep its seal.

I just find it hilarious that's there's obviously a whole group of women out there trying to make their vagina's smaller then I find something like this which is obviously aimed at a crowd who are trying to make the puss bigger!? I LIKE ZE BIIIIG PUSSY!!! Ahahahaha! Say that with a Grace Jones voice (MOVIE: Boomerang) for maximum laugh-ability!


Name: Vaginal Electrode! WOAH!
Use: I think it's to exercise your vag?
Sales Pitch: An intra-vaginal probe for muscle stimulation and biofeedback. It is supplied complete with an additional stick-style "indicator" fitting that allows it to be used as a Pelvic Floor Educator and thus provides excellent value for women wanting to develop exercise technique whilst using electrical stimulation.

Wow! Yeah, any takers? No, thanks! I used a similar device when I was a beautician... It stimulated the skin and was actually quite a nice and effective treatment... I never attacked any of the girls vagina's with it though... I do like the use of the word 'educator'... And I'm gunna leave that one right there! 


Name: KEGEL8 Ultra A - Vaginal & Anal
Use: NO FUCKING IDEA!
Sales Pitch: Do you have a problem controlling your wind? Do you have Stress Incontinence? Do you suffer with constipation? If you answer YES to any of the above, you are at risk of developing anal incontinence and small changes now can make a big difference. Stress Incontinence is taboo but anal incontinence is even more of a social stigma that blights women's lives. Medical figures report 28% of women with stress incontinence are also anally incontinent, not always to the extent of 'messing' ourselves sometimes it's not being able to control our wind in social situations. If you are that 'windy-pop woman' you need the Kegel8 Ultra A, with all the fast and efficient programmes you need to strengthen your pelvic floor vaginally, the Ultra A has an additional programme complete with anal probe. The Kegel8 Ultra is the clinically proven way to strengthen your pelvic floor, vaginally and posteriorally giving you back your control and confidence.


Hahaha! WOW! As I was telling Todd about this windy pop woman I burst into hysterics and started to sing the following song! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Farted on my dick and my balls! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Sharted all over my bedroom walls! 

I then proceeded to laugh for a good 5 minutes and that's all I have to say about that!

Last but by no means least I present...


Name: Vulva Original! (Seriously)
Use: For people who just love smelling like a cunt!
Sales Pitch: The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure. The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass vial with a comfortable roll-on applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance. Our greatest challenge was to preserve the intimate scent without altering the essence thereof. After many year of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long lasting effect. The vial is shaken gently. Only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand…and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the intimate smell of an irresistible woman.

If you want to be even more freaked out I suggest you watch the the VULVA commercial! Not to be confused with the VOLVO commercials!

This video right here is the entire reason I stay the fuck out of the gym and away from personal trainers! 

I hope you were as entertained and as freaked the fuck out as I was!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Nice underwear! Now drop 'em and bark like a chicken!

Ok, so it's come to light that my thought processes are a little... Eeerrr erratic... But, I do have ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and I'm naturally unhinged, not to mention being genetically pre-dispositioned to occasionally thinking I'm a chicken.. BERGUUUUUURK... Anyway so as you can image I hop from from vacuum cleaning to penis pasta in a few short milliseconds! I often get asked how the fuck I end up at whatever fucked up conclusion I end up ending up at... What? Hahaha... Hmmmm... *Weird silence* Anyway... I made a mind map! 

Unfortunately when I've gone to put it on my blog it's too fucking small to read but, FEAR NOT! I'll walk you through it! I was watching TV and an ad for American Idol came on. Jennifer Lopez was 'performing' and something, quite literally jumped out of the screen and slapped my pretty little face! She had some serious MC Hammer, circa 1990-1992, crotch drape going on! It honestly looked like she was smuggling a small child in there! Then I remembered she's married to that Hispanic rat looking mother fucker, Mark Anthony and I concluded that he was about the same size of a small child and it was most likely him bunking in her squirrel covers! 

This whole traumatic experience started a chain reaction of electrical reactions in my squishy area.... GREY SQUISHY!!! Not pink squishy... Wait! What? Ok rewind! Electrical reaction in my brain... I looked at J. Lo's pants and thought "is she trying to revive the whole 90's, happy pants, yes my penis is that big I require the extra room, MC Hammer up in ya ho spanner" trend? Then I thought about good old MC Hammer (Hahaha McHammer) and I wondered what the fuck he was thinking when he put that shit on and was like "fuck yeah, I dig it!" This made me think about bad fashion in general, which then (naturally) lead to funny undies, funny undies lead to tits (of course), which lead to people getting arrested with their tits out. This then turned into mugshots. Mugshots equaled bad hair... So there! Hurts ya head doesn't it? And to think that THAT was the simplified version!

My brain> Me watching TV and seeing J Lo's gruesome gaping groin> MC Hammer> Bad fashion> Funny underwear> Tits> Mug shots> Bad hair = My blog!!!

Call them whatever you want... She looks like she's done a huge dump in her shiny diaper!
Looking at this picture of MC Hammer, I'm glad he went broke... For his own safety and for ours!

Hahahaha! Nunnery Couture- The Paedophile's Collection!

... I think that women's skirt is coming onto me!?

What the fuck and why! Asians! I love them!!! PS I'm taking the Nan on the left! Fuck yes!!!

The model on the left is thinking "why didn't I take the god damn Nip bra job!?"

Aaahahaha! Sorry! 

Ok so what's going on here? Top left is the delightful range of... I'm gunna call them Flange Panties! Why? I don't fucking know! I think they're for weird men who like fugly vagina's!
The bottom left pic- Ummm Airbags?
The pic on the right- Is it just me or does that look like a HUGE pair of pink balls!? Or possibly a vagina with VERY swollen flaps!?

These are mug shots!!! It's bitches like these that seriously make me wanna go down... Down... Down to Pussy Town!!! FUCKING NOT!!! 

Arrrr... Yeah?

I think it's a women?

Aaaahahaha! I want the Dolly Parton!

Do these fuckers own a mirror?

Spock is not impressed! Ha!

Wow! Did you know you can wear your hair as hat!? Well ya do now!

So there you have it! From J. Lo to hat fro... Hahaha! That rhymes! There's my thoughts in pictures and all lubed up and bloggerised! 

 On that note... Until next time...


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and one last thing.......

AAAAHAHAHAHA!!! The one is the middle looks like a bum!

Vladamir Coktossin!!!

So I'm watching weight lifting on TV... Well that's a lie... Todd was watching the shit... I was merely a victim of circumstance... Circumstance being it was Todd's birthday & I wasn't about to engage in a 'it's my birthday, I should be able to watch whatever I want' anus twitching guilt trip! It wasn't all tears and suicide threats though... During my glimpse of said weight lifting I came up with several pieces of advice for these, lifters of weights! Weight Lifters, as they are also known!!! 


1stly... Guys! Adjust your cock/ nuts PRIOR to chalking up your hands! Seriously! They ALL had chalky knobs and nuts! Hahaha knobs & nuts! ALL of them! You never see them out on stage tugging their scrote or checking their foreskin to make sure it hasn't engulfed a nut or something so they must run backstage and be like 'YES! I fucking showed that hard, long rigid bar & those filthy slag weights who's tha man' and then engage in a rampant cock grope and a frenzied ritualistic celebratory jig! 

It's not surprising that all these blokes are a bit cock mad... I mean considering the names of the lifts they perform it's no wonder it's a blatant cock romp! Firstly the clean and jerk... $50 says half these guys got involved in weight lifting when the heard they got to perform a 'clean & jerk' on stage... Only to be disappointed when finding out later on that some sadistic cock teasing moron thought it was a good name to describe something mind blowingly painful and completely unrelated to any cleaning and jerking most young blokes are accustomed too! 'Yeah that'll suck the little fuckers in!'

If that doesn't work there's always the ever so suggestively named 'snatch'... Now for my overseas readers (and I know you're out there... Leave a comment! Don't be a stranger!) snatch is Aussie/ Jenna terminology for... Vagina... Moot... Minge... Muff... Beaver... Bearded clam... Axe wound... Map of Tassie (refer to the picture on the left if you're lost on this one)... Cunt... Pussy... Poon... Flesh wallet... Ewww ok enough of that... You get my drift... And if you don't I don't think you should be reading this! Ok so yeah snatch!? I'm sure with all the languages around the world the Weight Lifting Association or whatever the call themselves could have come up with something that doesn't lead the non weight lifting enthusiast to believe they are going to be seeing something wet and wonderful! It's just setting your potential audience up to be disappointed! It may just be me and my warped mind (it usually is) but when I hear the words "World Champion Jerk's & Snatch's (or Jerker's and Snatcher's??)" the last thing to enter my mind is 'several rotund unattractive Europeans wearing Lycra, lifting large inanimate objects for a pre-determined period of time whilst sporting chalked up cocks!' 

Now if they really wanted to add a whole new dynamic to the sport there's really only one direction to go... Naked weight lifting! Yep... NEKID!!! With maximum extreme zoom-age right up in their poop shoots... Get some extreme Spike Lee angles happening... Zoom right in on their grundles as they struggle to hold that weight there for a new world record... You'd be able to literally see some hemorrhoids form before your eyes! Not to mention how many new advertisers the sport could get... Haemorrhoid cream for one... Bang! Done! Signed! Penis enlargement creams could also get into the act!

Imagine it!

"Tonight going for a new personal best of 185kg is the young Russian, Vladamir Coktossin! Even if this amazing young man doesn't lift his goal weight... As you can see by having a quick glance between his legs... He won't be going home disappointed!"

"That's right Sven! As most people probably know Vladamir is the spokes cock for Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000! Now you don't need to be a Med student to see that before Vladamir started his treatment coarse he was a shameful 3 inches... After just a 6 month coarse Vladamir is now rocking a member any man would be proud of! He has increased his girth 400% and his length by an amazing 700% which means thanks to Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000, Vladamir is now sporting a very attractive 13 pound cock! And now back to the weight lifting!"

See! It could totally work! And you know the Europeans would dig it coz they love doing everything naked! I really should be in advertising! Hell after reading that shit, I'm about to call now my credit card details and order my supply of  Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000 and I don't even have a cock (anymore.... Hahahah Joking!!!) Plus if I'm one of the first 50,000 callers I'll get a free Snuggy! Fuck yes! Massive man meat and an embarrassing tent/blanket to keep it warm! My life is complete!!! 

Top Line L-R: Shitting, Fucking, Shitting, Weight Lifting!
Bottom Line L-R: Weight Lifting , Ejaculating, Sneezing, Shitting!

Ok so that's enough about naked weight lifting and 13 pound cocks... All this from not really watching weight lifting! Makes you think, doesn't it? No, not really? Ok well fuck ya then! Difficult Mother Fuckers! Hahahaha! 

Anyway!!! Until next time and as always!


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo