Vulva-licious!

Firstly, to those of you dying to know the outcome from the events I covered in my last post, "Boners? Bargain!"  Yes, 'Hard Ten Days' worked... I was surprised at how well it worked! It was kinda like freaky erection... I thought Todd's dick was guna jump out of it's skin... I actually laughed at it for a considerable amount of time... Which surprisingly, didn't effect his freaky porn boner one iota! That being said I think they should change it's name from 'Hard Ten Days' to 'Can't Walk Two Weeks'! Hahaha... If you catch my drift... 


So for those who wanted to know. Yes it absolutely worked and it's quite cheap too! Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below or emailed to me at jenbear1985@gmail.com... Just put Hard Ten Days Questions in the subject line so I don't think your message is SPAM and delete it!
Ok so my last post was pretty much all about dick... But I did briefly touch on a product called, 'YING DA WANG', which is for females. If you remember, this product claimed to... 
'Increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....' 
Which got me thinking: what other sorts of warped and (not so) wonderful products are out there for the fairer sex? This question was soon answered accompanied with fits of giggles from myself as I realised my naivety in regards to the 'wonderful' world of lotions, potions, perfumes, devices, soaps and pills available for your humble run of the mill vagina!

So without any further ado...


Name: JAMU SOAP (Sabun Sari KESED)
Use: This soap claims to tighten your vagina!
Sales Pitch: Rules of Use- Soaped at interior femininity flatten and hushed for a few minutes, rinsed last / to be washed until cleanness.

Benefits:
1. Creating harmony in the household, husband and wife happiness
2. Absorb excessive mucus
3. Make vagina becomes kesed
4. Eradicating germs in the vagina
5. Eliminate unpleasant odors
6. Eliminate black mole-mole between your thighs 7. Eliminating the smell of sweat is not good

Ok... So how do you use it? Wait, who cares! I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IS KESED!? MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS BLACK MOLE-MOLE between your thighs? Hahahaha! Someone help me! I can't breathe! 

Name: Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream (No, it's not glue like I originally thought)

Use: Once again... Vaginal Tightening!
Sales Pitch: Apply a liberal amount of Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Sure Grip Tighten Her       Cream also works as a deodorant and disinfectant. It   also claims to "Tighten your vagina, like the first time... For that Honeymoon fit!" 

I still think it sounds like glue! Plus one of the ingredients is a mold repellent... Nothing says confidence like a mold free vagina!? I discovered a whole range of these vag creams! All with highly amusing names like: 18 again, Tight stuff, China shrink cream, Snuggles, Crazy girl wanna be tight! I think Crazy Girl has to be my favourite! 

Name: Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

Use: My guess... Pumping the pussy!

Sales pitch: Super-sensitise your vagina for extreme levels of pleasure! The Doc Johnson Pussy pump is easy to use and will enlarge your vagina making it super sensitive. Unlike other pump the Doc Johnson version has a patented removable valve allowing you pump it up to create a vacuum and then remove the hose and it will keep its seal.

I just find it hilarious that's there's obviously a whole group of women out there trying to make their vagina's smaller then I find something like this which is obviously aimed at a crowd who are trying to make the puss bigger!? I LIKE ZE BIIIIG PUSSY!!! Ahahahaha! Say that with a Grace Jones voice (MOVIE: Boomerang) for maximum laugh-ability!


Name: Vaginal Electrode! WOAH!
Use: I think it's to exercise your vag?
Sales Pitch: An intra-vaginal probe for muscle stimulation and biofeedback. It is supplied complete with an additional stick-style "indicator" fitting that allows it to be used as a Pelvic Floor Educator and thus provides excellent value for women wanting to develop exercise technique whilst using electrical stimulation.

Wow! Yeah, any takers? No, thanks! I used a similar device when I was a beautician... It stimulated the skin and was actually quite a nice and effective treatment... I never attacked any of the girls vagina's with it though... I do like the use of the word 'educator'... And I'm gunna leave that one right there! 


Name: KEGEL8 Ultra A - Vaginal & Anal
Use: NO FUCKING IDEA!
Sales Pitch: Do you have a problem controlling your wind? Do you have Stress Incontinence? Do you suffer with constipation? If you answer YES to any of the above, you are at risk of developing anal incontinence and small changes now can make a big difference. Stress Incontinence is taboo but anal incontinence is even more of a social stigma that blights women's lives. Medical figures report 28% of women with stress incontinence are also anally incontinent, not always to the extent of 'messing' ourselves sometimes it's not being able to control our wind in social situations. If you are that 'windy-pop woman' you need the Kegel8 Ultra A, with all the fast and efficient programmes you need to strengthen your pelvic floor vaginally, the Ultra A has an additional programme complete with anal probe. The Kegel8 Ultra is the clinically proven way to strengthen your pelvic floor, vaginally and posteriorally giving you back your control and confidence.


Hahaha! WOW! As I was telling Todd about this windy pop woman I burst into hysterics and started to sing the following song! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Farted on my dick and my balls! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Sharted all over my bedroom walls! 

I then proceeded to laugh for a good 5 minutes and that's all I have to say about that!

Last but by no means least I present...


Name: Vulva Original! (Seriously)
Use: For people who just love smelling like a cunt!
Sales Pitch: The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure. The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass vial with a comfortable roll-on applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance. Our greatest challenge was to preserve the intimate scent without altering the essence thereof. After many year of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long lasting effect. The vial is shaken gently. Only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand…and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the intimate smell of an irresistible woman.

If you want to be even more freaked out I suggest you watch the the VULVA commercial! Not to be confused with the VOLVO commercials!

This video right here is the entire reason I stay the fuck out of the gym and away from personal trainers! 

I hope you were as entertained and as freaked the fuck out as I was!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Boners!? Bargain!

Ok, so if you are a friend on either my personal Facebook page or my blogs Facebook page  you may have seen my status the other night about my accidental purchase of boner medication! What? Yeah... Let me explain! Ok, so I was on Ebay and looking for penis pills or sex drugs or some such shit... The idea was to, hopefully find funny shit to blog about! Mission accomplished! Anyway I found these pills called 'Hard Ten Days' that's not a typo that's what they're called! So I was reading what these pills claimed to do and the listing said to Google 'Hard Ten Days reviews' so I did... So I'm reading these reviews. Most of them are broken English or pretty ordinary. Until I found this one review that said 

"If your wife complained you are not enough strong, I recommend you can try this product, I have tried, and my wife treat me better than before." 

I found that, "my wife treat me better than before" part hilarious! So I was like "Todd! Listen to this!" Anyway, so I'm yelling out what I was doing and what this random dude said, whilst at the same time changing pages and going back to the Ebay listing! My intention was to add the pills to my watch list so I could get the details later for my blog... But what I actually did was press Buy now > Commit to buy > Confirm! Just as I pressed confirm (and I was still talking to Todd at this point) I'm all like "Blah blah blah ahahaha... Penis... Erection... Etc.." Confirm!? Confirm what?! Fuck! Shit! No confirm! No confirm! No no no! FAARK! Long story short... I purchased like 20 boner pills! 


For those of you doubting my story... That's fine. The fact is, if I bought them for a laugh I'd just be like yeah! Get a stiff one up ya! Hahaha 20 penis pills! Good weekend ahead for me! Me purchasing the pills isn't than riveting but I thought my epic failure to multi task resulting in the accidental purchase of 20 boner enhancing pills was an amusing fuck up on my part! Plus it was all for my blog, so really... If you're reading this it's partly your fault! Shoosh! Go with it ok!? 

Just for the record, Toddy does not require any boner enhancing medications but I paid for the shit so he'll be using them!

Now that you know the back story, I can tell you that these pills arrived in the mail today... Luckily for you, the amusement doesn't end with my over zealous clicking frenzy!

As you may have guessed with a name like 'Hard Ten Days' the product is obviously Asian... It's attempt to look like a legit Western/ English product amused the shit out of me! Any chance they had of fooling me into thinking this product was endorsed by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration- AMERICAN) or whatever government body monitors this kind of shit ended as soon as I looked over the box and began reading the instructions!


The bottom of the box says: BIGGER, LONGER, MORE TIME, MORE SPERMS! 
I shit you, not! That's what it fucking says! 

Ok so that's the box... Just in case you can't see it in all of it's fantastic detail... This product is apparently endorsed by the "World Sex Association" (which Google has never heard of) and at the top of the box above the title it says: A GRAIN OF SOON THE EFFECT REVELS ALL NIGHT! Whatever the fuck that means!?
Oh and the eagle in the top left corner is surrounded by the words: GOLD SOURCE LIVING CREATURE... Yeah that's super fucking helpful? Come pet my majestic creature!

The instructions contain some still shots from some porn movies... Just in case you purchased the pills and didn't know what the end result was suppose to be?!? Anyway the cheap stolen porn is seriously the least of my fucking problems! Listen to these INSTRUCTIONS! I'm quoting word for word so don't think I'm drunk or anything ok! The instructions are in bold... My comments are just in regular font ok... Cappish?

The heart attack, high blood pressure all can take the wine takes and doesn't influence result behind have good curative effect to the prostate! So fucking yeah! Clear up any issues? Yeah? Nar me either! NO fucking clue! But wait there's more! As if we weren't fucking lost enough!

What's in it? Lets find out! This product is specially made of many kinds of valuable animals and plants such as blah, blah blah, seahorse membrain... deer antler!? Seahorse what? Deer antler? Like, Santa's reindeer? Does Santa know about this? I highly fucking doubt it! Anyway I've got more pressing questions, like what do these ingredients do? Funny you should ask! I have that information right here! It would make you like a strong man the significant effects on physical or mental prospermia (premature ejaculation), impotence (sad floppy penis), spermatorrhea (involuntary escape of semen, without orgasm... Escape! HELP! HELP! THE SEMEN HAS ESCAPED! SOMETHING SOMETHING GODZILLA?), sexual debility (weak or feeble penis) and any symptoms of kidney weakness (WTF? Why are we talking about kidneys all of a sudden!?)... Great effects on sex let down (If only I had these years ago! Fucking sex let downs like a mother fucker!), shortness of penis (Hahahaha I prefer the term stump cock!) and penis atrophy of the old... (A wasting or extinct species! Why are they extinct? Coz you can't get your dick up! Think about that next time you can't get wood! Mother fucker!" I really should get a job in sales!

It then goes on about sperm and urination... and on... and on... and on... Then it says: taking after drinking wont affect the effect! Multi sex is possible with multi erections! Multi sex? Multi erections? Multi penis? Fuck hey! I should also mention that the penis would be wider, bigger, higher, rigidity. Penis may increase without rebound! What the fuck is penis rebound? Anyone? No? Also, I know I hate it when I drink then the effects of the affect are effected!? It really fucks me off!? I think? Finally, you may wonder what to do if shit gets fucked up... (Excuse the pun)! With clear instructions like these you'd have to be brain dead to fail but anyway should you have any problems such as: multi erection or non ejaculation during sex... Drink cold water for therapy! Simple! No? Fuck knows! But after reading that MY dick is hard! 

Yeah so fucking BOOM erection! It doesn't say anything about how to treat the EPIC FUCKING MIGRAINE you get from reading the instructions though!

Now if you're female or at least 90% sure you're female, like me you may be going well that's fucking great for him with his 10 days boner-rama but how the fuck does that help me and my spastic vagina? WONDER NO FUCKING MORE!!! What's it called? YING DA WANG... I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU!!! LOOK IT UP!!! There's a picture below! See? What does it do!? Tell me tell me! Yeah yeah fucking hold the fuck ON!

Uses: Useful to increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....

Hahahahaha! Do I even need to say anything? Of course I do! I am not at all comfortable with the thought of any ones vagina sucking and shrinking! Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?! If I ever harbored secret lesbian desires, that just totally fucking killed that idea! Thanks YING DA WANG! Also you can call me sexless and you can say my vagina is as dry as a sandbox if you want but I wont have ANYBODY telling me my vagina is dull! You're dull, mother fucker! YOU'RE DULL!!!

So on that note... That's all from me and my NOT AT ALL dull vagina!

Until next time... Here's wishing you all a 10 day erection!

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and here's one last disturbing image ...

Do I choose Viagra or "STREE OVERLORD"? I'd go with the Viagra... Unless you wanna turn into a muscle bound evil lizard man! But that could just be me and my dull vagina talking! :)

Oh and I think that big hard brown this is her knee... Which doesn't work... But whatever! 

THE END!

Nice underwear! Now drop 'em and bark like a chicken!

Ok, so it's come to light that my thought processes are a little... Eeerrr erratic... But, I do have ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and I'm naturally unhinged, not to mention being genetically pre-dispositioned to occasionally thinking I'm a chicken.. BERGUUUUUURK... Anyway so as you can image I hop from from vacuum cleaning to penis pasta in a few short milliseconds! I often get asked how the fuck I end up at whatever fucked up conclusion I end up ending up at... What? Hahaha... Hmmmm... *Weird silence* Anyway... I made a mind map! 

Unfortunately when I've gone to put it on my blog it's too fucking small to read but, FEAR NOT! I'll walk you through it! I was watching TV and an ad for American Idol came on. Jennifer Lopez was 'performing' and something, quite literally jumped out of the screen and slapped my pretty little face! She had some serious MC Hammer, circa 1990-1992, crotch drape going on! It honestly looked like she was smuggling a small child in there! Then I remembered she's married to that Hispanic rat looking mother fucker, Mark Anthony and I concluded that he was about the same size of a small child and it was most likely him bunking in her squirrel covers! 

This whole traumatic experience started a chain reaction of electrical reactions in my squishy area.... GREY SQUISHY!!! Not pink squishy... Wait! What? Ok rewind! Electrical reaction in my brain... I looked at J. Lo's pants and thought "is she trying to revive the whole 90's, happy pants, yes my penis is that big I require the extra room, MC Hammer up in ya ho spanner" trend? Then I thought about good old MC Hammer (Hahaha McHammer) and I wondered what the fuck he was thinking when he put that shit on and was like "fuck yeah, I dig it!" This made me think about bad fashion in general, which then (naturally) lead to funny undies, funny undies lead to tits (of course), which lead to people getting arrested with their tits out. This then turned into mugshots. Mugshots equaled bad hair... So there! Hurts ya head doesn't it? And to think that THAT was the simplified version!

My brain> Me watching TV and seeing J Lo's gruesome gaping groin> MC Hammer> Bad fashion> Funny underwear> Tits> Mug shots> Bad hair = My blog!!!

Call them whatever you want... She looks like she's done a huge dump in her shiny diaper!
Looking at this picture of MC Hammer, I'm glad he went broke... For his own safety and for ours!

Hahahaha! Nunnery Couture- The Paedophile's Collection!

... I think that women's skirt is coming onto me!?

What the fuck and why! Asians! I love them!!! PS I'm taking the Nan on the left! Fuck yes!!!

The model on the left is thinking "why didn't I take the god damn Nip bra job!?"

Aaahahaha! Sorry! 

Ok so what's going on here? Top left is the delightful range of... I'm gunna call them Flange Panties! Why? I don't fucking know! I think they're for weird men who like fugly vagina's!
The bottom left pic- Ummm Airbags?
The pic on the right- Is it just me or does that look like a HUGE pair of pink balls!? Or possibly a vagina with VERY swollen flaps!?

These are mug shots!!! It's bitches like these that seriously make me wanna go down... Down... Down to Pussy Town!!! FUCKING NOT!!! 

Arrrr... Yeah?

I think it's a women?

Aaaahahaha! I want the Dolly Parton!

Do these fuckers own a mirror?

Spock is not impressed! Ha!

Wow! Did you know you can wear your hair as hat!? Well ya do now!

So there you have it! From J. Lo to hat fro... Hahaha! That rhymes! There's my thoughts in pictures and all lubed up and bloggerised! 

 On that note... Until next time...


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and one last thing.......

AAAAHAHAHAHA!!! The one is the middle looks like a bum!

Can of Coke for your Cooch?!?

Now I am not a bra burner... with jugs like these, bra's aren't cheap and I'm not about to start burning them to make a point... Regardless of what THAT point is... That being said I recently found some old print ads that were so fucking misogynistic and backwards I must admit I can really understand why chicks felt the need to start setting shit on fire... Still I would have opted for setting some jock straps alight rather than my own bra... (It's at your own discretion as to whether or not you want to remove the man before setting their junk on fire!) To me, if you have nice jugs and you rip your bra off to burn the fucker... Who really wins!?! I'm not a guy, obviously, but seeing a bunch of angry females, titties flying would leave me thinking... Yeah you showed us!!! NOT! It's kind of the equivalent of men protesting with knobs out... Sorry but I tend to miss the point when cocks are swinging! That being said I am woman here me roar etc etc and once you view these ads, I'll think you ask yourself... Was bra burning the best approach... (Not necessarily)... Was it effective at putting a stop to blatant ignorance? (Somewhat)... Do these ads make you want to heave a block of concrete at the fucking morons who thought this shit up!?! (Ab-so-fucking-lutely!!!)

Ok, so basically if your husband doesn't want to fuck you... It's your own god damn fault coz chances are you have a smelly cooch!!! Do not fret, all is not lost! You can douche your vag with Lysol! Ignore the fact that it is like 40% Ethanol (pure alcohol)! Just don't light a match or you'll blow that cunt up! I mean your cunt up! The ad then goes on to say Lysol will clean your mangy moot better than soap, SALT OR SODA!!! Soda??? WHAT THE FUCK!?!
"Honey, bring me home a can of Coke, I need to douche my feral flange! That way you will love me again!" But the best bit? You can now clean your feminine mound without any greasy after effects! Well, that's a relief!!!

The next 2 ads are for condoms! The first one is so lame it's like 'yeah whatever' but the one under it is just fucking annoying. It basically implies that it's ok to fuck random bitches but those random bitch are all filthy sluts who carry sexually transmitted diseases, so use a condom! Like men can't spread VD!?! Seriously!? I find it terrifying that anyone actually printed these ads and that people really believed this shit!

These next lot of old print ads aren't of the woman bashing variety... There either just offensive to everyone or so fucking weird it makes you think... "WOW THAT'S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD!" Hahaha! Enjoy!?! 

Ummm... Yeah? Sedate old angry pricks and ward off the Nazis! All you need is Thorazine and Victory Bonds?!
Fuck! If I knew it was that easy!?! *CONFUSED FACE*

DO NOT ASK!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!! All I know is the pig looks fucking ripped off his gorge!  And what's with the blue chunks in the meat?! Anyone? No? Ok! Now the second one... Looking at this kids eyes I don't think he needs anymore barbiturates!!! EVER AGAIN!!!

I don't know what the fuck these kids are advertising but I don't want it!!! The kid of the left look like his Mother heated a can of spaghetti on an open fire and when it exploded the end result was this kids face! Looking at him makes the primary school insult of "freckle faced fart machine" spring to mind!!!

The kid on the right... WOW!!! See, if this was an advert for 'why not to take large amounts of experimental narcotics during pregnancy' then this picture would make sense... But I think it's an ad for feeding your child disgusting meth enriched meat so they can have that happy cracked out look all of the time! And don't get me started on the fringe or that evil fucking fruit bowl/ hat she has glued to her head!!!

But... What?

More terrifying crack head kids!!!

Well, it's true!?!

Ummm... Seeds and Sodomy, anyone?!?

Only his make-up man knows for sure!? Where is this make-up going? 

Heroin & Tape Worm diets! Hell YES!?!

So there you have it! NEVER complain about modern commercials EVER again! I have TONNES more of these and more random shit coming up in my next few posts... So stay tuned, Kiddies!

Until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Hat's what I'm talking about!

So apparently there was some Royal Wedding on TV last night? I, myself did NOT watch it for the simple reason that I find the royals absolutely fucking disgusting. I wont go on about it but I will say this... Mothers, the world over are watching their babies STARVE TO DEATH and these cunts are spending MILLIONS of dollars on getting married! They are THE biggest bunch of delusional, pompous, disgusting morons alive and I really hope they rot in hell! 


All this hoo-har over William getting married! Why? What's his claim to fame? He was born into a family with a title... Big fucking deal! He's the son of a stupid, big eared, shit stain whose major ambition in life is to be Camilla Parker Bowles' tampon! Oh yes they ARE above reproach! How can I not want to bow down to that hypocritical bullshit!? Pfft!


The best way to demonstrate my point is with pictures... YES! That's right! It's hilariously horrible hat time!!!! 


No one of sound mind and a healthy view on reality would leave the house with this shit on their head! Out of touch? Deluded? Worth taking the piss out of? You bet!!!

Even the dude in Robin Hood hat is looking uncomfortable!

Since when is it ok to wear a hat on your forehead??? What's she hiding?

The dress... Bad choice! "Quick put a large blue cunt hat on my head!"

Again with the Smurf vagina! NO Smurf vagina! NO!!!!

Ahahahaha! Really!? C'mon!

Repeat Offenders!

No relevance! But, nice penis! Hahaha!

Until next time... Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo