But why is there no Disco Puma?

So I was trawling the Internet looking for funny shit to entertain you lot with and I stumbled upon a picture of a Harry Potter DVD case... Not that interesting, right? WRONG!!! Fucking WRONG!!! The DVD is obviously a burnt copy from overseas because it's just fucked up! It's written in English but as you'll soon see it's got absolutely NOTHING to do with Harry Potter- Like, at fucking all!!! This random find then lead me down a weird and wonderful path of movie posters- with a foreign twist! Enjoy! I give you full permission to say 'WHAT THE FUCK' out loud and as often as necessary... And trust me when I say, it WILL be necessary!!!

Ok, so at first glance everything appears to be normal... At first, I was like... And why is this funny? Then I saw Billy Bob Thornton's name and I knew that something was terribly wrong... It reads as follows:

Directed by Billy Bob Thornton, two young men (Matt Damon and Henry Thomas) celebrate the recent ending of World War II by riding out of their native Texas into the wild west, meeting friends and fellow adventurers along the way. Once they reach Mexico, they become smitten with a young woman (Penelope Cruz) who is the daughter of a ranch owner. As foreboding clouds threaten their so-far sunny skies, the men throw themselves headlong into danger.
“The Wizard Of Oz”
F- it’s time A Complete triumph
Bonus features
Anamorphic Widescreen (Aspect Ratio 2:35:1)
Commentary by Director Harold Ramis
Commentary by Elizabeth Hurly and Trevor Albert
Making of Featurette, Costume Design Featurette, Still Gallery
English 5:1 suroung, english Dolby Surround, French Dolby Surround
Subtitles: English, Spanish
Warner bros. pictures presents a Cruise/Wagner-Vinyl Films production of a Chris Buck film Daniel Rancliffe “Harry” Emma Watston Rupert Grint Richard Harris and Samantha Morton music by Nancy Wilson music supervision Danny Bramson costumes designed by Betsy Hermann edited by Joe Hutshing ace production designer Catherine Hardwicke director of photography John Toll ASC executive producer Jonathan Sanger Danny Bramson Fernando Bovara Bill Block Patrick Wachsberger assistant producer Michael Doven produced by Tom Cruise Paula Wagner Cameron Crowe written for the screen and directed by Kevin Lim and Chris Buck.

Ok, so apparently there was a heap of shit I didn't know about Harry Potter! Like I had no idea that Billy Bob directed it as well as Harold Ramis, apparently! Or that it starred Matt Damon... (I think he plays Ron!?) Even more surprising was that it's set it in Texas! Weird huh!?! Not as weird as the random Wizard of Oz mention calling it a 'triumph', but then giving it an 'F'... Or maybe it's like 'Fuck it's time! A complete triumph!' Either way... They're WAY off!

The Polish movie poster for the movie 'Escape from Planet of the Apes'
Hahaha! Now, I've never seen the movie but for some reason, now I really want to! But I have to wonder... What are they trying to escape from? They look like they're having a great fucking time!

Weekend at Bernie's
On the left the movie poster/ cover I'm familiar with... On the right... The Polish version! Yeah! What the fuck is with these fucking Polish posters? It's just like 'Fuck seeing the movie! Don't show me pictures from the film and don't tell me a god damn thing about it! Just get me my LSD, my pen and some paper and I'll work the rest out on my own!"

Big
On the left... The regular poster. On the right the Czech Republic version. What the fuck is going on here? Why couldn't they just change the wording on the original poster? Why does the dude have paint on his face and heart shaped sun glasses? Why why why??? NOTHING about this poster says ANYTHING about the movie! 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
On the left... Makes sense. You know it's a Harry Potter movie. There's a dark looking forest and a sense of urgency. Cool. I still have no desire to see any of the Harry Pot-head movies but I get the drift... On the right is the US version!?! Is this scene even from Harry Potter? If it is I'm sure it's not the entire gist of the film. Anyone going to see this movie JUST based on the poster is guna be majorly fucked off! I'd be like 'Who the fuck are these gits with wands and when does Hemorrhoid (Hermione) become a prostitute?

Ice Age 3
On the left the normal poster. On the left... The South Korean version. What is with Korean's and their incessant need to slut everything up with gadgets and shit? Nowhere in this movie do they time warp to the future, pick up a custom made rocket suit, some blue sunnies and haul ass back in time for tea! What the fuck is going on? If I was a little kid and I saw this poster before going in to see the movie I'd be highly fucking pissed when I didn't see that little squirrel dude kicking some woolly mammoth ass with his newly acquired robocop like ensemble! HIGHLY PISSED!!!

The Never Ending Story
On the left... The version I'm familiar with.
On the Right... Oh my fucking god! It's those crazy fucking Polish bitches again! What is going on here!? Granted, I haven't seen this movie in a while but I'm almost definite that I'd remember a weird little gay dude wearing clown make-up, a Victorian neck collar and a gigantic obnoxious pink hat while happily riding on a Triceratops! But maybe I missed that bit? I'm pretty sure this movie is German... And Poland is right next to Germany... So what happened? Was there some massive communication error? Did the fax get smudged and the Polish design department decided to wing it? Or was this Poland's revenge for being invaded by Germany? I'm thinking all of the above!

Willow
On the left... An understandable choice.
On the right... The POLISH version (this is getting to be like a bad joke)! I never realised Willow was about an elderly Pinocchio making friends with either a leper or a deformed tree!?! But, hey! What do I know!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 
A VERY cool movie poster that gives some clue to the story line... Then there's the Japanese version...

I think the artist took his work home and let his 4 year old cut and paste some random shit together! CRAPPY JAPPY!!!

Star Wars
This is my absolute favourite side by side comparison!
On the left is the more conventional poster. On the right is the Russian version.
Quite obviously when the artist had Darth Vadar described to him all he heard was "Blar blar blar  SEXY DISCO PUMA!!!"
Again... Why not just change the poster on the left? Or at least reference to it! The Russians must have been like... So when's space cat coming into the movie? There is no space cat? But the poster? The poster lied? But why? Why would they tease me with empty promises of awesome humanoid disco puma's!?! WHY!? For the love of god WHHHHHY!?!
THAT kind of shit changes people. You lose a part of yourself! Ahahahaha! Yeah!?!

 Well kiddies, once again our time together has come to an end!


I hope you enjoyed wondering what the fuck as much as I did!!!


Until next time...


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Furry Love Rugs & Talking toilet roll holders!!!

So as I said in my last blog... I have heaps of funny pictures... So here they are! Some are from newspaper adverts, some are adverts for USELESS and ridiculous products and others are just funny... But in a weird/ uncomfortable way! Hope you like them!!!

The newspaper headline! WOW! Hahaha! I don't know about anyone else but once I got past the fact that this is the most detailed headline EVER, I actually got a mental image of someone in a sumo suit attacking someone dressed as a Snickers! Then I realised I misread it and I felt a little sad! Still I think it may all be a HUGE misunderstanding! Judging by the picture under the headline... Maybe she wasn't wearing a sumo suit... I'm thinking... Bitch is just chunky... And it's laundry day so she made a g-string out of a towel... You know, that old chestnut! She was off of her meds, saw what appeared to be a human sized Snickers bar and jumped at the opportunity! Maybe her ex girlfriend waving at the guy dressed as a Snickers was kinda like: DIBS ON THE BIG ASS CHOCOLATE BAR!!! To which Sumo Sally, was like "Oh fucking hell no, Bitch! I saw it first'. So she punched her out!?! The most disappointing part of this entire ordeal is that you don't know what the ex girlfriend was dressed as!?!

The Hypnotist advert... WHAT!?! All you can eat- Bring your own food! Hahahaha! That's like having "BONG-A-THON"- As much weed as you can smoke (must bring your own weed!) What the fuck are you paying for?!? And aren't donations suppose to be voluntary? Like paying taxes... Oh... Hahaha!

2 Way Radio- You'll need to buy 2! Well, no fucking shit! Other wise you'll be sitting  there with ONE 2 way radio talking to ya fucking self!!!

What the fuck!?! If you're that rich, fuck head go help the needy poor (whoever the fuck they are) by yourself!

Call Scam line!!! Don't be scammed! Pay $3 a minute for us to tell you  "you're being scammed, you fucking ass clown!" I think the Wesley Taylor of scam line started this call centre after losing his $2 to help the needy poor! 

Hahahaha! So do I, Meth Monkey! SO DO I!!!

Sauna Hot Pants?! Fuck yes! When your ass crack isn't sweaty enough! Plus they look so comfortable and barely there!

Have a fag!? God I LOVE positive messages! "You could get hit by a bus tomorrow..." You could also have a homeless man hold you down while his hobo friends bet on how many marbles they can jam in your foreskin, but I wouldn't recommend that anyone chop off their dicks or bomb a homeless shelter just yet!!!

FUCK!!! 205 lbs (93 kilo) in a week? I'd only have to be on the diet for like 3 days! ...
3 days later... "Hello Scam Line???"

They're happy because they eat LARD!?! Issued by the lard information council!? Why the fuck  does LARD need an entire council distributing information on it's behalf!?! A committee maybe... But a council... NO!

Silent smoke alarm!?! SILENT. Smoke. ALARM!!! "Oh no! The smoke alarm is going off (I saw the flashing light!), but I can't get to the bedrooms to alert the others! I know! I'll use my trusty 2 way radio..... FAAAAAARK!!!!"

AHAHAHAHA! They fucking look on the babies face!!! No decent parent would purchase this  for their child! Although... I kinda wanna know if this look is the normal reaction when fed this food coz a serving of that shit and a video camera and you've got yourself a youtube sensation! Oh and what's with a the mini dildo looking chilli's? WARNING: Cock shaped chilli + babies... May result in your child's face becoming permanently deformed!

TOUGHEN glass CUTTING board... Not suitable for CHOPPING food on! What about CUTTING food? No? So what the fuck do you use it for?  Of course it's 'easily clean and hygenic' it's easy to keep shit clean and hygienic when you can't fucking use it for anything!

What about personal ham?

Incest repellent! Brilliant! Although, I'd change the name to 'Fuck off" Now available in Uncle Lester's extra strength formula!

Guaranteed you'll find the entire ceremony fucking hilarious!!!

THIS is why Elmo doesn't wear hats!!!

Pooh spreaders- because no one wants to use there best silverware and they wont snap like a plastic knife!
 "WOW, Maude the icing on the chocolate is flawless! How did you get it so smooth and even?" "Oh, didn't I show you my new POOH spreader?" *SILENCE... VOMIT*
And the next thing you know, Maude's being hauled off by the men in white coats!

Ok so the highlighted bits say "Furry love rug"... To me this guy looks like he would be way more into furry brown buttons!
The next bit says "It's almost like having another lover there with you." As if the whole furry love rug comment wasn't weird enough! Now you've got phantom lovers! Hopefully they don't look like the dude in the ad! I've had sex with guys that could be classified as "phantom" lovers... It IS NOT an experience I wish to recreate! Especially with anything called the "furry love rug"...

Susan, will you marry me? Flush once for yes? Really!?! Now if it was saying "Susan, remember our conversation about the courtesy flush" that would be slightly less disturbing but "will you marry me!?" Generally I don't like people thinking about me while they're snapping off a load, but hey we all have out own little quirks! Just don't tell the story of how he proposed at the wedding reception!
If it had a sensor for when the roll was almost empty I'd totally buy it!!! Imagine that shit at parties! "Oi fuck head... Yeah, you! Fuck head! Don't even fucking think about leaving this shitter without replacing the empty roll, you mother fucker!!!" Hahaha! Drunk people and would literally FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!! Hahahahaha!

Only you know it's a wig (this statement is only actually true if you work blind people and/ or senior citizens.)

1,000 Medium pizzas for free!?! That's a good fucking deal!

Camel toe? Moose knuckle? They completely fail to encapsulate the epic hill and valley episode chunky butt has going on in between her legs! She has a major case of "front bums revenge!" She must go through pre-wash stain remover like a mother fucker!
 
Fucking hell... Elvis has gone to shit! My main concern though is: Ball, ball... Wheres the dick? Or maybe he has one ball and one of those lumps is his dick.... Or maybe HE IS THE DICK!!!

I hope you found these as fucked up and hilariously disturbing as I did! If not.... Well, you may need to remove the Pooh spreader out of your arse! Hahahaha! Hmmmm... *Awkward silence*...

Until next time...

Love ya guts, Love, Jen xoxo

Can of Coke for your Cooch?!?

Now I am not a bra burner... with jugs like these, bra's aren't cheap and I'm not about to start burning them to make a point... Regardless of what THAT point is... That being said I recently found some old print ads that were so fucking misogynistic and backwards I must admit I can really understand why chicks felt the need to start setting shit on fire... Still I would have opted for setting some jock straps alight rather than my own bra... (It's at your own discretion as to whether or not you want to remove the man before setting their junk on fire!) To me, if you have nice jugs and you rip your bra off to burn the fucker... Who really wins!?! I'm not a guy, obviously, but seeing a bunch of angry females, titties flying would leave me thinking... Yeah you showed us!!! NOT! It's kind of the equivalent of men protesting with knobs out... Sorry but I tend to miss the point when cocks are swinging! That being said I am woman here me roar etc etc and once you view these ads, I'll think you ask yourself... Was bra burning the best approach... (Not necessarily)... Was it effective at putting a stop to blatant ignorance? (Somewhat)... Do these ads make you want to heave a block of concrete at the fucking morons who thought this shit up!?! (Ab-so-fucking-lutely!!!)

Ok, so basically if your husband doesn't want to fuck you... It's your own god damn fault coz chances are you have a smelly cooch!!! Do not fret, all is not lost! You can douche your vag with Lysol! Ignore the fact that it is like 40% Ethanol (pure alcohol)! Just don't light a match or you'll blow that cunt up! I mean your cunt up! The ad then goes on to say Lysol will clean your mangy moot better than soap, SALT OR SODA!!! Soda??? WHAT THE FUCK!?!
"Honey, bring me home a can of Coke, I need to douche my feral flange! That way you will love me again!" But the best bit? You can now clean your feminine mound without any greasy after effects! Well, that's a relief!!!

The next 2 ads are for condoms! The first one is so lame it's like 'yeah whatever' but the one under it is just fucking annoying. It basically implies that it's ok to fuck random bitches but those random bitch are all filthy sluts who carry sexually transmitted diseases, so use a condom! Like men can't spread VD!?! Seriously!? I find it terrifying that anyone actually printed these ads and that people really believed this shit!

These next lot of old print ads aren't of the woman bashing variety... There either just offensive to everyone or so fucking weird it makes you think... "WOW THAT'S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD!" Hahaha! Enjoy!?! 

Ummm... Yeah? Sedate old angry pricks and ward off the Nazis! All you need is Thorazine and Victory Bonds?!
Fuck! If I knew it was that easy!?! *CONFUSED FACE*

DO NOT ASK!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!! All I know is the pig looks fucking ripped off his gorge!  And what's with the blue chunks in the meat?! Anyone? No? Ok! Now the second one... Looking at this kids eyes I don't think he needs anymore barbiturates!!! EVER AGAIN!!!

I don't know what the fuck these kids are advertising but I don't want it!!! The kid of the left look like his Mother heated a can of spaghetti on an open fire and when it exploded the end result was this kids face! Looking at him makes the primary school insult of "freckle faced fart machine" spring to mind!!!

The kid on the right... WOW!!! See, if this was an advert for 'why not to take large amounts of experimental narcotics during pregnancy' then this picture would make sense... But I think it's an ad for feeding your child disgusting meth enriched meat so they can have that happy cracked out look all of the time! And don't get me started on the fringe or that evil fucking fruit bowl/ hat she has glued to her head!!!

But... What?

More terrifying crack head kids!!!

Well, it's true!?!

Ummm... Seeds and Sodomy, anyone?!?

Only his make-up man knows for sure!? Where is this make-up going? 

Heroin & Tape Worm diets! Hell YES!?!

So there you have it! NEVER complain about modern commercials EVER again! I have TONNES more of these and more random shit coming up in my next few posts... So stay tuned, Kiddies!

Until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo