Fucking, Night Ops!

Me and my video camera (which doesn't actually use 'video technology', so shall hence forth be known as my Handycam... Which is convenient coz that's what Sony and a few hundred thousand other people call it)... Where was I!? Oh yeah... Me and my Handycam have a weird relationship... It has nothing to do with home made porn or me filming my neighbour molesting his cat... When my Handycam is in night vision mode it sends me into a bit of a giggly, pre-pubescent, James Bond-ish, ninja, cartwheeling on a fruit cake, weirdo, butt slut (without any actual ninjas. Or fruit cake or anal... Ok, maybe just a little bit of anal!?) Anyway... Me in night vision... It always makes me think I missed my true calling... When I'm in looking at myself in night vision my brown eyes become green and for some reason I have really fucking shiny teeth! Like REALLY really fucking shiny? I must admit... I find myself rather hypnotic and mesmerising. The first time I saw myself looking back at... Myself (?) in that sexy post apocalyptic nuclear war greenish radioactive hue, of what the French call 'le noire vision' (not really) I immediately thought... Fucking night ops... That's what I need to do... Just to be clear, it's not 'fucking' night ops... It's more like FUCKING GOD DAMN! Night ops! Like the Navy SEALS or SAS or whatever it is... I was like... I could totally swoon all the terrorists! I'd be like 'hey, terrorists! Look at my green eyes... And ridiculously shiny teeth! Then Boom! Explosions! WAR OVER! But during the day... Brown eyes! I wouldn't have to worry about being caught because even if they did question me, they'd be like... She's not the one... Her eyes are brown and her teeth are not nearly shiny enough! Let the big breasted on go! And like fucking ka-blam! I go onto fight another day! Not to mention, I love wearing all black outfits! It's the perfect crime! Almost too perfect... Mwaaahahahahahaha! Mwaahahaha! *Weird silence* MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Hmmm...  

Forgive my horrible 1 dimensional "art"... The blue lines represent me running... Not a bad case of gas! Ps... If I changed the ninja outfit from black to green... I totally look like a Ninja Turtle!

                                                                                                           
Why am I telling you this? Well because I had the above conversation, pretty much word for word, with myself (on camera) and it makes me feel a little less crazy if I share it with you... Why? I dunno. Why are you still asking me logical questions? Isn't it clear that I'm not stable?! There are no logical answers to the questions you ask!

Talking about logic and shit that just doesn't add up... I had to take Logie-Bear to PMH (children's hospital) the other day for his eye appointment... Longest 2 hours of my fucking life! Isabelle was complaining that her shoes hurt and Logan ate the crayons at the activity desk in the waiting room. Then he ran down the hallway and into someones office & yelled at them 'heeeeeey' like he was the Fonz. Then he kept farting while they tested his eyes. Then he climbed on the chair next to me and found the light switches and turned off half the lights in the massive waiting room area! When he wasn't trying to escape, or trying to fuck shit up, he was yelling at random people or screaming at the top of his lungs! He is out of control! I love him to death but once he sets his mind on something... You can let him scream it out, you can hold him down... You can shoot him with a baby rhino tranquilizer dart... But as soon as he gets a chance he'll go right back to what he wants to do.

So he screamed and screamed like a baby pig being lead to slaughter! The looks, I got! Like it's my choice to be the mother of devil boy! Anyway, so after all that we got into see the STUPID Asian doctor. He didn't even acknowledge Logan as a little person. He was like "yeah,he has a squint. He needs surgery. Make him wear an eye patch on his good eye for an hour a day for the next 6 months, then come back and see me." Yeah ok... So what's the eye patch for? Other than making him look like a fat little pirate!? Is there a chance that the bad eye, if forced to work harder will correct itself? The Dr, was like "no, it's to strengthen his vision"... Wait... What? We just got told his vision is fine. "It is", said the doc... But I'm thinking, if the sight in his lazy eye is fucked... No amount of exercising it will restore any lost vision... Vision doesn't work that (I don't think?). Once it's fucked, it's fucked. So after asking this Dr, 6 different ways what the fuck the eye patch was for, we still don't know. According to him, Logan's vision is fine and we can't do anything for his squint except for surgery. The eye patch is suppose to help strengthen his vision... Which is fine... Huh? Even if he did have trouble seeing, which he doesn't, I don't see how the eye patch would help... After all if that's all it took you'd have blind people, the world over rocking the pirate look in hopes of strengthening their vision!? 

So I'm getting a second opinion. From someone who speaks English! There's no way in fuck I could get fatty to wear an eye patch without him ripping it off... Anything strong enough to prevent him from fucking with it, would tear his skin when I had to remove it! So basically we waited 9 fucking months for an appointment, just for me to get looked at like my baby is the devil and to be told he needs rock the pirate look for the next 6 months!? No fucking thanks.

So, that's was my week! 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo