Boners!? Bargain!

Ok, so if you are a friend on either my personal Facebook page or my blogs Facebook page  you may have seen my status the other night about my accidental purchase of boner medication! What? Yeah... Let me explain! Ok, so I was on Ebay and looking for penis pills or sex drugs or some such shit... The idea was to, hopefully find funny shit to blog about! Mission accomplished! Anyway I found these pills called 'Hard Ten Days' that's not a typo that's what they're called! So I was reading what these pills claimed to do and the listing said to Google 'Hard Ten Days reviews' so I did... So I'm reading these reviews. Most of them are broken English or pretty ordinary. Until I found this one review that said 

"If your wife complained you are not enough strong, I recommend you can try this product, I have tried, and my wife treat me better than before." 

I found that, "my wife treat me better than before" part hilarious! So I was like "Todd! Listen to this!" Anyway, so I'm yelling out what I was doing and what this random dude said, whilst at the same time changing pages and going back to the Ebay listing! My intention was to add the pills to my watch list so I could get the details later for my blog... But what I actually did was press Buy now > Commit to buy > Confirm! Just as I pressed confirm (and I was still talking to Todd at this point) I'm all like "Blah blah blah ahahaha... Penis... Erection... Etc.." Confirm!? Confirm what?! Fuck! Shit! No confirm! No confirm! No no no! FAARK! Long story short... I purchased like 20 boner pills! 


For those of you doubting my story... That's fine. The fact is, if I bought them for a laugh I'd just be like yeah! Get a stiff one up ya! Hahaha 20 penis pills! Good weekend ahead for me! Me purchasing the pills isn't than riveting but I thought my epic failure to multi task resulting in the accidental purchase of 20 boner enhancing pills was an amusing fuck up on my part! Plus it was all for my blog, so really... If you're reading this it's partly your fault! Shoosh! Go with it ok!? 

Just for the record, Toddy does not require any boner enhancing medications but I paid for the shit so he'll be using them!

Now that you know the back story, I can tell you that these pills arrived in the mail today... Luckily for you, the amusement doesn't end with my over zealous clicking frenzy!

As you may have guessed with a name like 'Hard Ten Days' the product is obviously Asian... It's attempt to look like a legit Western/ English product amused the shit out of me! Any chance they had of fooling me into thinking this product was endorsed by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration- AMERICAN) or whatever government body monitors this kind of shit ended as soon as I looked over the box and began reading the instructions!


The bottom of the box says: BIGGER, LONGER, MORE TIME, MORE SPERMS! 
I shit you, not! That's what it fucking says! 

Ok so that's the box... Just in case you can't see it in all of it's fantastic detail... This product is apparently endorsed by the "World Sex Association" (which Google has never heard of) and at the top of the box above the title it says: A GRAIN OF SOON THE EFFECT REVELS ALL NIGHT! Whatever the fuck that means!?
Oh and the eagle in the top left corner is surrounded by the words: GOLD SOURCE LIVING CREATURE... Yeah that's super fucking helpful? Come pet my majestic creature!

The instructions contain some still shots from some porn movies... Just in case you purchased the pills and didn't know what the end result was suppose to be?!? Anyway the cheap stolen porn is seriously the least of my fucking problems! Listen to these INSTRUCTIONS! I'm quoting word for word so don't think I'm drunk or anything ok! The instructions are in bold... My comments are just in regular font ok... Cappish?

The heart attack, high blood pressure all can take the wine takes and doesn't influence result behind have good curative effect to the prostate! So fucking yeah! Clear up any issues? Yeah? Nar me either! NO fucking clue! But wait there's more! As if we weren't fucking lost enough!

What's in it? Lets find out! This product is specially made of many kinds of valuable animals and plants such as blah, blah blah, seahorse membrain... deer antler!? Seahorse what? Deer antler? Like, Santa's reindeer? Does Santa know about this? I highly fucking doubt it! Anyway I've got more pressing questions, like what do these ingredients do? Funny you should ask! I have that information right here! It would make you like a strong man the significant effects on physical or mental prospermia (premature ejaculation), impotence (sad floppy penis), spermatorrhea (involuntary escape of semen, without orgasm... Escape! HELP! HELP! THE SEMEN HAS ESCAPED! SOMETHING SOMETHING GODZILLA?), sexual debility (weak or feeble penis) and any symptoms of kidney weakness (WTF? Why are we talking about kidneys all of a sudden!?)... Great effects on sex let down (If only I had these years ago! Fucking sex let downs like a mother fucker!), shortness of penis (Hahahaha I prefer the term stump cock!) and penis atrophy of the old... (A wasting or extinct species! Why are they extinct? Coz you can't get your dick up! Think about that next time you can't get wood! Mother fucker!" I really should get a job in sales!

It then goes on about sperm and urination... and on... and on... and on... Then it says: taking after drinking wont affect the effect! Multi sex is possible with multi erections! Multi sex? Multi erections? Multi penis? Fuck hey! I should also mention that the penis would be wider, bigger, higher, rigidity. Penis may increase without rebound! What the fuck is penis rebound? Anyone? No? Also, I know I hate it when I drink then the effects of the affect are effected!? It really fucks me off!? I think? Finally, you may wonder what to do if shit gets fucked up... (Excuse the pun)! With clear instructions like these you'd have to be brain dead to fail but anyway should you have any problems such as: multi erection or non ejaculation during sex... Drink cold water for therapy! Simple! No? Fuck knows! But after reading that MY dick is hard! 

Yeah so fucking BOOM erection! It doesn't say anything about how to treat the EPIC FUCKING MIGRAINE you get from reading the instructions though!

Now if you're female or at least 90% sure you're female, like me you may be going well that's fucking great for him with his 10 days boner-rama but how the fuck does that help me and my spastic vagina? WONDER NO FUCKING MORE!!! What's it called? YING DA WANG... I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU!!! LOOK IT UP!!! There's a picture below! See? What does it do!? Tell me tell me! Yeah yeah fucking hold the fuck ON!

Uses: Useful to increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....

Hahahahaha! Do I even need to say anything? Of course I do! I am not at all comfortable with the thought of any ones vagina sucking and shrinking! Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?! If I ever harbored secret lesbian desires, that just totally fucking killed that idea! Thanks YING DA WANG! Also you can call me sexless and you can say my vagina is as dry as a sandbox if you want but I wont have ANYBODY telling me my vagina is dull! You're dull, mother fucker! YOU'RE DULL!!!

So on that note... That's all from me and my NOT AT ALL dull vagina!

Until next time... Here's wishing you all a 10 day erection!

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and here's one last disturbing image ...

Do I choose Viagra or "STREE OVERLORD"? I'd go with the Viagra... Unless you wanna turn into a muscle bound evil lizard man! But that could just be me and my dull vagina talking! :)

Oh and I think that big hard brown this is her knee... Which doesn't work... But whatever! 

THE END!

What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

Dildos! The Re-Entry!

Greetings fuckers!!! I'm not dead! I have borrowed a mates laptop... Thanks Rhi Rhi!!! You may have noticed a cute little donate button over there 
to your right...Yes THAT one! I didn't just put it there for my health... So be a darling, click it and donate 1 or 2 dollars to go towards my new laptop! Please *bats eyes* Coz I can't keep using this laptop forever! A) It's a loner and B) It's got keys missing! Which kind of makes me feel like I'm borrowing my mates dildo... It'll get the job done, but I still feel weird about using it!!! Hahaha... We've all been in that situation!

Talking about dildos... Check out these winners! So I looked up funny dildo pics and I ended up finding an x-ray film of one crazy bitch who got a little over zealous and just shoved the whole god damn thing up there... Like right fucking UP THERE!!! That lead onto other weird x-ray pics! Then I just got a bit buck wild and went cock mad.... Mmmwaaahahaha! *sings* Cock and balls cock and balls... Oooo so shiny! Hahaha!

Why she look so sad? :(
Poor, Ma... I think she likes the vag!!!

It's cute and disturbing... Like me!

YES! It's Barack Obama!

She's not cupping the balls!!!

This is exactly how I lost my Ben Wa balls!

This so boring! 

It's happened to the best of us... AND to the worst of us!

I'm always losing my god damn phone!!!

So she said "drink this shot or I'll stick it in your ass!"
 2 and a half hours later and here I am!!! I need new friends!

It's nice but do you have anything a little... Bigger? Hahaha!
I showed this to Todd and he was like "WTF are you looking up? You're like yay we've got the internet back! Let's look up dick"... I laughed... Coz he doesn't know I just ordered one of these for him... in BLACK!!! Aaaahahaha!
Is it just me or does it look like a butternut pumpkin?

I don't get it!?! Why bother getting hard?

Aaaahahaha!

Nipple clamps- Fucking extreme much? Hoo-har hoo-har!! Woof woof!!!

Ahaha! FIST OF FURY!!! RAAARRR!
I want this next to my front door just incase any cunt decides to break in! Ahahaha!

^^^ How you might feel after reading my blog! ^^^

So there you have it, my little shit faces!!!


Until next time... Get a big stiff one up ya! 


Love your guts! 


Love, Jen xoxox

Nice underwear! Now drop 'em and bark like a chicken!

Ok, so it's come to light that my thought processes are a little... Eeerrr erratic... But, I do have ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and I'm naturally unhinged, not to mention being genetically pre-dispositioned to occasionally thinking I'm a chicken.. BERGUUUUUURK... Anyway so as you can image I hop from from vacuum cleaning to penis pasta in a few short milliseconds! I often get asked how the fuck I end up at whatever fucked up conclusion I end up ending up at... What? Hahaha... Hmmmm... *Weird silence* Anyway... I made a mind map! 

Unfortunately when I've gone to put it on my blog it's too fucking small to read but, FEAR NOT! I'll walk you through it! I was watching TV and an ad for American Idol came on. Jennifer Lopez was 'performing' and something, quite literally jumped out of the screen and slapped my pretty little face! She had some serious MC Hammer, circa 1990-1992, crotch drape going on! It honestly looked like she was smuggling a small child in there! Then I remembered she's married to that Hispanic rat looking mother fucker, Mark Anthony and I concluded that he was about the same size of a small child and it was most likely him bunking in her squirrel covers! 

This whole traumatic experience started a chain reaction of electrical reactions in my squishy area.... GREY SQUISHY!!! Not pink squishy... Wait! What? Ok rewind! Electrical reaction in my brain... I looked at J. Lo's pants and thought "is she trying to revive the whole 90's, happy pants, yes my penis is that big I require the extra room, MC Hammer up in ya ho spanner" trend? Then I thought about good old MC Hammer (Hahaha McHammer) and I wondered what the fuck he was thinking when he put that shit on and was like "fuck yeah, I dig it!" This made me think about bad fashion in general, which then (naturally) lead to funny undies, funny undies lead to tits (of course), which lead to people getting arrested with their tits out. This then turned into mugshots. Mugshots equaled bad hair... So there! Hurts ya head doesn't it? And to think that THAT was the simplified version!

My brain> Me watching TV and seeing J Lo's gruesome gaping groin> MC Hammer> Bad fashion> Funny underwear> Tits> Mug shots> Bad hair = My blog!!!

Call them whatever you want... She looks like she's done a huge dump in her shiny diaper!
Looking at this picture of MC Hammer, I'm glad he went broke... For his own safety and for ours!

Hahahaha! Nunnery Couture- The Paedophile's Collection!

... I think that women's skirt is coming onto me!?

What the fuck and why! Asians! I love them!!! PS I'm taking the Nan on the left! Fuck yes!!!

The model on the left is thinking "why didn't I take the god damn Nip bra job!?"

Aaahahaha! Sorry! 

Ok so what's going on here? Top left is the delightful range of... I'm gunna call them Flange Panties! Why? I don't fucking know! I think they're for weird men who like fugly vagina's!
The bottom left pic- Ummm Airbags?
The pic on the right- Is it just me or does that look like a HUGE pair of pink balls!? Or possibly a vagina with VERY swollen flaps!?

These are mug shots!!! It's bitches like these that seriously make me wanna go down... Down... Down to Pussy Town!!! FUCKING NOT!!! 

Arrrr... Yeah?

I think it's a women?

Aaaahahaha! I want the Dolly Parton!

Do these fuckers own a mirror?

Spock is not impressed! Ha!

Wow! Did you know you can wear your hair as hat!? Well ya do now!

So there you have it! From J. Lo to hat fro... Hahaha! That rhymes! There's my thoughts in pictures and all lubed up and bloggerised! 

 On that note... Until next time...


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and one last thing.......

AAAAHAHAHAHA!!! The one is the middle looks like a bum!

She's not a slut! She's just really relaxed!

A while ago I found an awesome site which translates (with speech) pretty much any language into just about any other language you can think of... Last night I rediscovered this little gem and proceeded to see how fucked up my blog would be if translated into another tongue. But did I stop there? Of course not! I translated some exerts from my blog (as well as a Facebook status) into several different languages... Then BACK to English... This is where shit got messy! Talk about getting lost in translation! Fucking hell! Not even a sat-nav from Star Trek was getting me back from where these translations had taken me... 


So without further ado, I present: Jen's Spaghetti Blog- Totally lost in translation!!!


Original Blog Exert:
Back to the bastard mop! I took a break before completing my mopping adventures! Well I finished the front half of the house... I mopped the floors AND... Wait for it.... WAIT for it... The walls! Aaaahahahaha! The MADNESS has set in! Mwaaaahahaha! *awkward silence.....*


From English to Korean and then back to English:
Clean Up Guy! Before you complete the adventure of my white blood cells there was a brake of the rising! Then I completed the half in front of the house ... I wiped the floor ... Wait for it .... Wait for it ... Walls! Aaaahahahaha! Insanity has arrived! Mwaaaahahaha! .....* Weird silence *

The face of insanity! RUN!!!

*** Best bits: "Clean up guy!" Where the fuck was this clean up guy when I was mopping my fucking walls? I don't know where clean up guy came from or went to but considering there was a white blood cell adventure I'm relieved I wasn't around! I had to laugh at "insanity has arrived"... That is good to know! Just in case no one else realised or they missed the memo! It's here PEOPLE!!! IT'S FUCKING HERE!!!! 


Original Blog Exert:
In light of the above I want to talk about: FUCK HEADS!!! Also known as morons, dick wads, mother fuckers, moles, cock stains, goat fuckers, cunts, gay holes, fuck-tards, sluts, pricks, dildo smackers, Tony's, dumb asses, ball gazers, cock knockers, pirate hookers, butt sluts, trollops, big crusty pus filled hairy dogs cock... Ok so we get what I'm talking about yeah?


From English to Portuguese and then back to English:
In the light of above mentioned I want to speak on: FODA HEADS!!! When the jetties were also known as idiotic, chimaços of dick, the rude persons of mother, they lift stains, idiots, rude persons of goat, snuff-boxes, cheerful holes, fode-tards, relaxed women, points, kisses of penis, Tony's, silent donkeys, think up gazers, bang one's head to relaxed women, beaters, pirate lifts, prostitutes, the great covered pus of crust filled hairy dogs, they stand up... Okey so we acquire on what I am speaking yes?

*** Best bits: FODA HEADS!?! Available at all good toys stores this Christmas! I dunno what they are but I want one in three different fucking colours!!! When jetties were also known as idiotic? When exactly was that? I thought it was pre 1972 but I have been wrong about this shit before! Chimacos of dick? Is that Portuguese for Schmackos? Dogs go wacko for.... DICK!!! Hahahaha! They lift stains! So if I call you nappi-san oxy... I'm really calling you a cock stain! Ok? Rude persons of goat? Snuff boxes (that's a keeper) & cheerful holes! CHEERFUL HOLES!!! "Hows your hole, snuff box!? "It's god dam cheerful, mother fucker!" SILENT DONKEYS!!! This whole thing is just gold! I suggest re-reading it while banging your head to a relaxed woman! 

Glide...

Facebook status:
People talk shit... And the ones that talk the most are just trying to make some noise so you don't notice them trying to slip their hand up your skirt and fuck you!!!


From English to German to Spanish and then back to English again:
People talk shit... And those which mostly speak try just to do a noise, you do not note them trying, her hand your cock and leaky me in the ass! To let glide!!


*** Best bits: "And the ones that mostly speak try just to do a noise"... I just have a mental image of someone making grunty noises and trying to fart!?! The last bit is just pure class and although I had nothing to do with it, I'm still particularly proud... HER HAND... YOUR COCK AND LEAKY ME IN THE ASS! Oh God! LEAKY FUCKING ME IN THE GOD DAM FUCKING ASS!!! And the purpose of all this? Simple! "To let glide!" That makes sense, yeah!?! I think what all of this shows is that... You may think I'm fucking MAD, but just be thankful I'm not foreign too!  
  

Silence! I'm trying to 'do a noise!'

Shatner knows the importance of quality glide!

If you want to have fun getting yourself lost in translation. Click here...


The more outlandish the text the better. Don't be afraid to throw some swears in there too... It confuses the shit out the program and equals optimal funnies! Feel free to post your creations on the comments section below!


Until next time my little snuff boxes....


Love ya guts... Love, Jen xoxo