... And then she shat on a turtle!!!

One of my favourite random things to say is.... "Then she shat on a turtle!" It's an all round winner when you're lost for words (or you haven't really been listening but you can tell that the other person expects a response.) It's also useful when everyone goes quiet at a gathering or if you're telling a story and not everyone is paying attention. Another good one (especially at a drive through) is... "And that was the second time I had anal!" The turtle line is from a scene between Austin powers and Nigel powers in Austin Powers- Gold Member... see below:

Austin: Listen, dad, if you are are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English. 

Nigel: All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.) 

Austin: Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? (Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)

Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?) 

Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.) 

Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)

Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! (The insane one?)

Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.) 

Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... (A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck) [complete gibberish] (????????)... 

Austin & Nigel: --tea kettle! 

Nigel: And then, and then-- 

Austin & Nigel: She shat on a turtle!

This got me started on an entire mission to find more of this pommy linguistic shit known as Cockney Rhyming Slang! There's literally tonnes of this crap online... and by crap I mean PURE GOLD!!! Some of it's just made up... Some you need to be a Pom to comprehend but some of it, I found quite funny and thought it could be very useful for taking the piss out of someone and they wouldn't know you just called them a fanny farting nut case shit fucker... Although I can't guarantee they wont think your bat shit crazy! So below I give you some examples of this random, funny, some-what useless, madness and how it works... It's way more complicated than normal English!

What is Cockney Rhyming Slang?
Rhyming Slang phrases are derived from taking an expression which rhymes with a word and then using that expression instead of the word. For example the word "look" rhymes with "butcher's hook". In many cases the rhyming word is omitted - so you won't find too many Londoner's having a "butcher's hook" but you might find a few having a "butcher's".

The rhyming word is not always omitted so Cockney expressions can vary in their construction, and it is simply a matter of convention which version is used.... So basically... Confusion!!!


All dayer (all day drinking session)....................................Leo Sayer
Appendix..............................................................................Jimi Hendrix
Arsehole...............................................................................Jam Roll
Baby............. ........................................................................Basin of Gravy
Bar........................................................................................Ringo Starr
Beaver..................................................................................Sigourney Weaver
Beef.......................................................................................Itchy Teeth
Beverage..............................................................................Edna Everage
Bitchy.....................................................................................Lionel Richie
Burger King...........................................................................Itchy Ring
Cappuccino..........................................................................Al Pacino
Charlie (cocaine)..................................................................Bob Marley
Child Molester.......................................................................Uncle Fester
Cop........................................................................................Pork Chop

Cunt........................................................................................James Blunt

Diarrhoea..............................................................................Tia Maria
Drugs.....................................................................................Fur rugs
Fart.........................................................................................False Start
Floor.......................................................................................Rory Moore
Fucker...................................................................................Chicken Plucker
Gym........................................................................................Fat Boy Slim

Insane....................................................................................Saddam Hussein
Job..........................................................................................Dog's Knob
Keys.......................................................................................Mushy Peas
Lesbian..................................................................................West End Thespian
Lies.........................................................................................Pork Pies
Starvin'....................................................................................Lee Marvin
Money.....................................................................................Fluffy Bunny
Pile of shit..............................................................................Pirate ship
Piles (hemorrhoid'.................................................................Belinda Carlisle's
Out of order............................................................................Alan Border
Sick.........................................................................................Uncle Dick
Slash (urinate).......................................................................Johnny Cash
Stoned...................................................................................Al Caponed
Tosser...................................................................................Dental Flosser
Vagina....................................................................................Morris Minor

By all means, have fun confusing your friends but don't complain to me if they think your Saddam Hussein for saying something like:

I had to call in uncle dick to my new dogs knob coz I had a Leo Sayer and few too many fur rugs over the long weekend! Not to mention I got completely Al Capone'd, lost all my fluffy bunny when I left my wallet in Itchy Ring's, I Johnny Cashed all over my Rory Moore and now I can't find my god damn mushy peas!

I usually like to tell you my thought processes and how certain ideas pop into my head... In this case however it was just one of those random things that comes flying out of my mouth and after Todd and I had a giggle I decided it would be an interesting blog piece... I now present:

Condom flavours NO ONE would be interested in! Also some weird condom flavours that I'm sure someone WOULD be interested in!

BAD:

• Spam, 
• Pickles, 
• Chives/ onion- What have you been eating? You're breath stinks!!!, 
• Bong water, 
• Timber- that's NOT really the kind of wood you're after, 
• Balls- Kind of pointless if you're guna suck a dick and wanna taste balls just bob down and LICK THE BALLS!, 
• Couch Pizza,
• Parmesan cheese (or as we called it my family, Fanny cheese!), 
• Brussel spouts, 
• Urinal cakes- Although I've never tasted a urinal cakes... They may be delightful, but I doubt it, 
• Mushroom soup- That's just weird, 
• Armpit- Eesh! 

POSSIBLE WINNERS:

• Tabasco Sauce- Some people like a hot a cock, 
• BBQ ribs- The condoms would be ribbed... They're ribbed and they're RIBS! Get it!?
• Coleslaw- Tasty coleslaw cock you got going on there, Steve!, "Thanks!"Although I'd be cautious of condoms that taste a little too good... It could lead to an outbreak of drunk, hungry bitches chowing down on your tasty man meat luncheon!!!  

Anyway until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo