Up to my arm pits in shit! Fucking LITERALLY!!!

First thing's first! I am currently typing this post on my epic new laptop! It is AWESOME-NESS personified! It is totally fucking mind blowing-ly turbo charged to the MAXIMUM possible extreme allowed by the laws of the universe!!! This would not be possible if not for the donations of some super fan-tab-u-lous people! They didn't have to help me, but they did anyway, for no other reason other than the fact that I asked. Their generosity amazed and surprised me and honestly, I am and always will be, forever thankful! Who are these wonderful giving, souls? Well, without further ado, I present my heroes! Yaaaaayyyyy! Weeeeeeee! Oh and if you enjoy my blog, then you owe them a thank you, too, otherwise there would be no blog! 

Hahaha WOW that's freaky!

And to everyone else who wanted to donate but couldn't, your support and encouragement was/ is amazing and means the world to me, so thank you! Honestly! THANK YOU!!! I'd be no where without my loyal, nutty and awesome readers!


NOW!!! On to the good stuff...


So, you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while (about 2 weeks- which for me is a life time!) I've been in a shitty funk so I didn't want to write a blog that lead to mass suicides or even worse, gave the impression I support emo-ism! Besides not wanting to write negative shit, I actually had NO desire to blog. NONE! This has never happened before! There's been times I've been tired or just not 'feeling it' so I've postponed posting for a day or 2 but this is totally different. The possibility of giving the whole blogging gig away altogether even seriously crossed my mind. I was just feeling OFF!

Yeah, a little like this... And a bit like... This...

But obviously, you're reading this... Which means I'm writing it... So, not all is totally lost. Before you freak out and heave your PC at a wall because you figure I'm going to go through every single shitty detail of why I'm in a poxy mood... Relax... I'm not going to bore you with my shit! Plus, I just popped a couple of Valium so I don't remember half of it anyway! Half of what!? Eg-fucking-zactly!

So ever since having my beautiful fat boy, Logie-Bear, almost 2 years ago I have been very un-awesome! I had a difficult pregnancy, which I basically went through alone because my hubby was working away 4 weeks at a time. Then I got post natal depression. Which is a mother fucker. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar movies made me hysterical and if anyone witnessed this, they would have been like... "Woah! That bitch needs a padded cell and some Enya STAT!" Although, I think the Enya would have pushed my right over the edge! So yeah that happened. My Prozac no longer worked...Booo! So, I went on a new drug and was ok.

My problem is, 2 years on, I feel fucked again and I don't feel like myself... At fucking all! It's not post natal (which I don't any more). I have depression. But, this is beyond depression and beyond post natal... There's a difference... Just trust me. I just feel shit! I eat fuck all and can't lose weight, I'm tired, I have headaches, blah blah blah. So I'm pretty sure I have a retarded thyroid! Fucking window licker! But, I wont know until Friday when I see my doc so fingers crossed it IS thyroid coz then I can get some drugs, make some appropriate changes and then, hopefully once again I can rock out with my cock out... Or jam out with my clam out... *Disclaimer there with be no actual clam exposure!

I think, not knowing and wanting to get this bullshit sorted is part of what's doing my head in. That and a whole heap of other crap that's happened in the last week.

So fingers crossed for me, please and I'll let you all know whats going on when I know!

Anyway! So last night I totally redefined the meaning of having a shit day! Like, fucking epically! Logan isn't really pro having his afternoon nap so once he's down for a sleep it's literally like no one make a god damn noise... If you have to fart or something... Don't... Or spread your cheeks and puff it out! One of the other rules is, I told Isabelle if she just does wees while he's asleep, don't flush. This is because she smashes the toilet seat down like it owes her money, climbs on it, flushes, usually while yelling 'Mummy, I flushed!'

Ok, so you get the picture... Logan's napping, Isabelle's gone to pee 'x' amount of times and I had to poop... Sorry but, it happens! I didn't even look in the bowl until I stood up to flush... I swear there was a fucking ROLL's worth of toilet paper in there. So, I flush the toilet and.... Blob blob blurb... The water fucking rises! I'm like FAAARK! I waited, hoping it would get it's shit together (excuse the pun) and go down, but no! Not owning a plunger, I tried to push it all down with the toilet brush... Which turns out wasn't long enough and just resulted in me dunking my hand in piss and shit as well as having nards embedded in the bristles of the brush... By this time, Todd's heard my panic and yelled from the lounge room asking "What the fuck, I was doing!?" I'm like "the toilets blocked! I'll fix it! Don't fucking go in there! I will fix it! DON'T GO IN THERE!!! He laughed at me and said "Jesus, woman! How big was your shit!?" I just yelled "FUCK UP, TODD!!!!"

So, I got a big stick that usually resides in my window sill, to try and jam the paper and shit down the 'S' bend... It wasn't flexible enough... So I ran out the back, (while once again reiterating to Todd "don't you fucking go in there!") to cut off a length of garden hose... Longer than than the stick... And flexible! It. Did. Not. Work!!!


So, I did what I had to do when faced with a bowl full of my shit and piss... I went in... I faced my shit demon! Well, my arm did... I know, I know! Fucking gross! So, I basically looked like one of those farmers who puts their arm up a cow... I'm slowly moving chunks of toilet paper and shit around, while thinking... Not much really, other than turd, turd, paper, turd, paper... Then finally, after what seemed like 4 hours, and throwing my shoulder out from contorting my arm to the shape of the 'S' bend, the fucker unblocked and it all went down the shitter... Literally!

This was followed by me scrubbing my arm like I was prepping for surgery, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing my arm again, pine-o-cleen-ing my entire arm, yelling to Todd "I never want to be a plumber!", before showering... Vigorously...Taking a handful Valium (with my LEFT hand- just in case), followed by trying not to crap ever again! So, before you tell me 'you had a shit week".... SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking hell no, you didn't!!!

Totally me... I wasn't rocking the devilish smile, though! (At least, I don't think so... I couldn't see my own face- No mirror in my crapper... Any more.)

ALMOST ME! Except no stilettos... And this chick has no arse... Or vagina?

So, there you have it! I apologise if you vomited!


Until next time (which hopefully wont be so fucking long!)...


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Wow! That's Awkward!

So I got my first negative comment on my blog! (Don't bother looking for it, it's been deleted- hahaha! Never happened!) I believe it said 'shitblog.twat.' Now if you're going to criticize me, don't be a spineless prick and do it anonymously... That just screams 'I'm a fat git with a wrinkled old sack who sits at my computer, being bitter at the world and criticizing strangers whilst feeling so superior I refuse to use the god damn space bar!!! There is something seriously wrong with the fact that this jerk-off went to the effort of reading my blog, then typed a poor ass criticism of 3 words, posted it, typed in the 'captcha' code, pressed enter and got confirmation of the comment being posted all to say shitblog.twat... All one word! Like it's a fucking web address! Here's one for ya! WWW.GOFUCKYOURSELFWRINKLECOCK.COM.FU

Worst blog EVER!

I imagine this person to be a real life version of Comic Book Guy from The Simpson's... Sitting at his computer criticizing everyone else who has the balls to do anything because he is so terrified of being even more of a failure so he'd rather just shit on everyone else... Personally, even if I don't like someones blog or creative work in anyway I still appreciate the effort they put into it and the balls it takes to just put yourself out there for the world to judge... He should have just typed A) I'm a bitter, jealous person, who had my own blog that no one read due to my refusal to acknowledge the space bar. B) I feel the world owes me something & C) I really get off on masturbating in my own shit!

You got a mention in my blog... That's about as good as it's guna get for you my impotent little friend! 
From one anonymous dick head to some dick heads I actually know... I created a Facebook fan page for my baby bloggy! You may have noticed the new 'like' tab at the top right hand of the screen... (CLICK IT!!! CLICK IT VIOLENTLY!!!) I've asked all of my Facebook 'friends' to 'like' the page or they'll be getting the boot! It's pretty simple really. As my 'friend' if you can't click 'like' and have a browse through my blog, which I put so much effort and time into then you're not my fucking friend and you can fuck off. Why would I want to interact with people who can't be supportive of me and my work? I don't want to! I'm also using this opportunity to do a little cunt culling... At the end of the day I've seen the shit circulating around Facebook and it's not guna be me sitting there with my thumb in my arse once these people get the boot! I'm my own entertainment. They're the ones who are going to be bored shit-less. My problem? Nope!


Ok so my rant is finished! Now onto some funnies!!! I LOVE randomness! The more random the harder i laugh! Especially when there's just absolutely no fucking way of explaining said randomness! That being said I present you with some GOLD pictures from two very funny sites. Awkward Family Photos & Explain This Image!!!

1) Who goes & pays to have a portrait with their fucking duster!?!
2) YES! These 2 are married!!!

1) Makes sense?
2) Haaahahaha! This makes the duster picture look somewhat normal!

1 & 2) I really don't know WTF is going on in either of these pics!?!

1) Oompa Loompa's, Distraught giant bunnies, An ambulance & A he/she with a butt gut! This picture has EVERYTHING!!!
2) What? That's where babies come from!?! Isn't it?

1) This is so my family!
2) And again!

1) $10 says this marriage ended the day the photos arrived!
2) Bottom Left: Wet Fukin Wipes! O-Fuckin-K!
3) Right pic: Fucked if I know!!! Theories! Anyone?

I hope you found these as randomly funny as I did... If you didn't keep it to your fucking selves! Hahaha! But... Seriously...

I'm downloading some awesome fonts for my next post! Not exciting for you but it's got me squirting in my dacks!?! Wow NOW that's some good fucking font!

Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

... And then she shat on a turtle!!!

One of my favourite random things to say is.... "Then she shat on a turtle!" It's an all round winner when you're lost for words (or you haven't really been listening but you can tell that the other person expects a response.) It's also useful when everyone goes quiet at a gathering or if you're telling a story and not everyone is paying attention. Another good one (especially at a drive through) is... "And that was the second time I had anal!" The turtle line is from a scene between Austin powers and Nigel powers in Austin Powers- Gold Member... see below:

Austin: Listen, dad, if you are are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English. 

Nigel: All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.) 

Austin: Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? (Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)

Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?) 

Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.) 

Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)

Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! (The insane one?)

Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.) 

Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... (A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck) [complete gibberish] (????????)... 

Austin & Nigel: --tea kettle! 

Nigel: And then, and then-- 

Austin & Nigel: She shat on a turtle!

This got me started on an entire mission to find more of this pommy linguistic shit known as Cockney Rhyming Slang! There's literally tonnes of this crap online... and by crap I mean PURE GOLD!!! Some of it's just made up... Some you need to be a Pom to comprehend but some of it, I found quite funny and thought it could be very useful for taking the piss out of someone and they wouldn't know you just called them a fanny farting nut case shit fucker... Although I can't guarantee they wont think your bat shit crazy! So below I give you some examples of this random, funny, some-what useless, madness and how it works... It's way more complicated than normal English!

What is Cockney Rhyming Slang?
Rhyming Slang phrases are derived from taking an expression which rhymes with a word and then using that expression instead of the word. For example the word "look" rhymes with "butcher's hook". In many cases the rhyming word is omitted - so you won't find too many Londoner's having a "butcher's hook" but you might find a few having a "butcher's".

The rhyming word is not always omitted so Cockney expressions can vary in their construction, and it is simply a matter of convention which version is used.... So basically... Confusion!!!


All dayer (all day drinking session)....................................Leo Sayer
Appendix..............................................................................Jimi Hendrix
Arsehole...............................................................................Jam Roll
Baby............. ........................................................................Basin of Gravy
Bar........................................................................................Ringo Starr
Beaver..................................................................................Sigourney Weaver
Beef.......................................................................................Itchy Teeth
Beverage..............................................................................Edna Everage
Bitchy.....................................................................................Lionel Richie
Burger King...........................................................................Itchy Ring
Cappuccino..........................................................................Al Pacino
Charlie (cocaine)..................................................................Bob Marley
Child Molester.......................................................................Uncle Fester
Cop........................................................................................Pork Chop

Cunt........................................................................................James Blunt

Diarrhoea..............................................................................Tia Maria
Drugs.....................................................................................Fur rugs
Fart.........................................................................................False Start
Floor.......................................................................................Rory Moore
Fucker...................................................................................Chicken Plucker
Gym........................................................................................Fat Boy Slim

Insane....................................................................................Saddam Hussein
Job..........................................................................................Dog's Knob
Keys.......................................................................................Mushy Peas
Lesbian..................................................................................West End Thespian
Lies.........................................................................................Pork Pies
Starvin'....................................................................................Lee Marvin
Money.....................................................................................Fluffy Bunny
Pile of shit..............................................................................Pirate ship
Piles (hemorrhoid'.................................................................Belinda Carlisle's
Out of order............................................................................Alan Border
Sick.........................................................................................Uncle Dick
Slash (urinate).......................................................................Johnny Cash
Stoned...................................................................................Al Caponed
Tosser...................................................................................Dental Flosser
Vagina....................................................................................Morris Minor

By all means, have fun confusing your friends but don't complain to me if they think your Saddam Hussein for saying something like:

I had to call in uncle dick to my new dogs knob coz I had a Leo Sayer and few too many fur rugs over the long weekend! Not to mention I got completely Al Capone'd, lost all my fluffy bunny when I left my wallet in Itchy Ring's, I Johnny Cashed all over my Rory Moore and now I can't find my god damn mushy peas!

I usually like to tell you my thought processes and how certain ideas pop into my head... In this case however it was just one of those random things that comes flying out of my mouth and after Todd and I had a giggle I decided it would be an interesting blog piece... I now present:

Condom flavours NO ONE would be interested in! Also some weird condom flavours that I'm sure someone WOULD be interested in!

BAD:

• Spam, 
• Pickles, 
• Chives/ onion- What have you been eating? You're breath stinks!!!, 
• Bong water, 
• Timber- that's NOT really the kind of wood you're after, 
• Balls- Kind of pointless if you're guna suck a dick and wanna taste balls just bob down and LICK THE BALLS!, 
• Couch Pizza,
• Parmesan cheese (or as we called it my family, Fanny cheese!), 
• Brussel spouts, 
• Urinal cakes- Although I've never tasted a urinal cakes... They may be delightful, but I doubt it, 
• Mushroom soup- That's just weird, 
• Armpit- Eesh! 

POSSIBLE WINNERS:

• Tabasco Sauce- Some people like a hot a cock, 
• BBQ ribs- The condoms would be ribbed... They're ribbed and they're RIBS! Get it!?
• Coleslaw- Tasty coleslaw cock you got going on there, Steve!, "Thanks!"Although I'd be cautious of condoms that taste a little too good... It could lead to an outbreak of drunk, hungry bitches chowing down on your tasty man meat luncheon!!!  

Anyway until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Good Old Mongrel Moot!

Call me superficial but there is absolutely nothing unenlightening about being dirt ass crack habit poor! *Disclaimer in case my Nan ever reads this: No, Nan I am not on crack! P.S Nan get off the bloody Internet! No good will come of you being online! NO GOOD!!! 


Anyway... Where was I? Oh yeah. Being a poor ass. Ok so yeah for the next 2 months until Toddy gets his 3 month pay rise and once we've recovered from the fiscal nightmare that has been the past 10 months shit's guna be painful. When I was single being poor shat me but it was more like a challenge! Plus it kept me thin! Now that's fucking optimism beyond delusion! Fucking ignorant youth how I miss thee! Now I'm too old and bitter for a challenge and as for staying thin... Well the chunky boat has well and truly sailed on that one! Now, being poor means thinking up scams so my chunky boy can have milk in his bottle and Huggies on his super cute chunky butt! But all this scamming got me thinking... Todd's FINALLY got the job of his dreams... So the money issue isn't that much of an issue... But how many people are actually doing what they want to do? Then I got to thinking... If I could do anything and be paid for it what would I do.... And it's then I realised... I'm already doing what I want to do... I've just gotta figure a way to get paid for it!?! 1st one is being a Mum... I'm good at it and the rewards take a huge dump on the chest of any other career opportunities I've come across. Obviously I'm not getting paid for this but this is a long term investment... Do a good job at Mumming it up and my kids may still talk to me when I get old! Aaaahahaha. Oh god! I'm going in a home! The other thing I love is blogging. But once again... Not getting paid for it... So feel free to start paying me - I take cash, money orders and empty promises! 


You know when someone just walks right into a joke... Like they just bend over right in front of you, lube up their butt with gullible and hand you the joke dildo!?! And even if it's your mother or your best friend you gotta say 'fuck it' and go with the funny! 

Merry FUCKING Christmas!

Mindy's number plate!

Well this situation happened with me & a pathetic little skid mark, we will call MINDY... We were friends... I was a better friend to her than she was to me, like NO fucking comparison! Anyway Todd set her up with his mate, "Claude"... I told him not too but he didn't listen. So Claude works away. Mindy goes on 1 date with him then he goes back to work for a month. Anyway this classy little fuck nugget is sending Claude full blown dildo show vid's within a week of having their FIRST and ONLY date... He comes back to Perth, fucks her in the arse a couple of times, gets bored with her and her
refusal to shower and drops her mongrel moot.


Aaahahaha sorry... MONGREL MOOT! 


Being rejected by every male in Perth doesn't sit well with cunt face and any time she gets an opportunity she has a dig at him. Anyway so months later I happen to mention that Claude got a dog... Her response to this was talking about how gross HE is and that he would be in to bestiality (beastiality) and it wouldn't surprise her if he was fucking the dog... My response to this was, 'Well, he DID fuck you!' Then I proceeded to try not to literally urinate myself as I laughed... HARD! I even did the little joke drum solo of 'ba-boom tshk!' If I didn't crack that joke it would still be shitting me! Point is, when a golden opportunity presents itself jump on it and thrust your hips till you've fucked dry... Or you will regret it! 'Well he DID fuck you!' Baaaahahaha! Classic burn! 


Talking about people and thing's in their arse's... How many of you have woken up with something strange in your butt? Now there's no long winded answers here... You either have or you haven't. Me, personally I got through a rather mis-spent youth without collecting anything obnoxious in my butt... I'm sure if I'd ever had a one night stand it would be a different story... I know if I had an opportunity to shove an object up a passed out random persons butt before disappearing into the night... I so fucking would! Not much point doing it to Todd... He would know it was me and that boy has what I refer to as 'prison cheeks' in other words he can clench his cheeks tighter than anyone I know! Myself included! 

^^^ My Dad's face! ^^^

Anyway... I'm getting off the subject! So a few years ago my dad told me this story that to this day still makes me laugh. Dad apparently woke up about 4 or 5am... It was still dark, but a little light. Anyway so all of a sudden dad realised he didn't feel quite right... Down stairs... There was 'something shishy' in his bat cave...The back door region to be precise... Now my father sleeps in the nude... That little nugget of info is something I could have, quite happily gone the rest of my life without knowing but anyway... He recalls thinking 'I know I'm getting old but surely I'm not of an age where I am shitting myself in my sleep?' Hahahaha. Sorry! I'm just imaging the look of shear terror and confusion on his face & it makes me giggle! So after laying there, for a few minutes wondering what the fuck to do & contemplating which nursing home he wouldn't mind moving to, he decided he had to find out what exactly was going on in valley of brown... So, now pace yourself, he reaches down into his crack to find out what the hell... There's something wet and squishy... He freezes... Too late now... He removes his hand from ass... He looks at it, in the little bit of light coming through the curtain, it looks like shit! It fucking feels like shit... He SNIFFS it... It smells like...


Dog food!?!?! Hahahaha. My dog, Arnold (who lives with Dad) buried his food in my Dad's arse while Dad was sleeping! Seriously! How my Dad didn't wake up is beyond me... Why my Dad still sleeps is the buff is even further beyond me! I think he's quite happy to be the dog's bitch as long as he has control over his own bowels! I don't know how, Arnold felt about his nice warm breakfast getting washed down the drain but I think it's best my dog stays away from all forms of crack!!! I don't know anyone who would be HAPPY about having Chum in their butt, but if you'd thought you crapped yourself I spose Chum is the lesser of two evils?!?
Until next time... If you own a dog... Sleep with your pants on!


Love your guts! 

Love, Jen xoxo