Monday 12 September 2011

Up to my arm pits in shit! Fucking LITERALLY!!!

First thing's first! I am currently typing this post on my epic new laptop! It is AWESOME-NESS personified! It is totally fucking mind blowing-ly turbo charged to the MAXIMUM possible extreme allowed by the laws of the universe!!! This would not be possible if not for the donations of some super fan-tab-u-lous people! They didn't have to help me, but they did anyway, for no other reason other than the fact that I asked. Their generosity amazed and surprised me and honestly, I am and always will be, forever thankful! Who are these wonderful giving, souls? Well, without further ado, I present my heroes! Yaaaaayyyyy! Weeeeeeee! Oh and if you enjoy my blog, then you owe them a thank you, too, otherwise there would be no blog! 
Hahaha WOW that's freaky!
And to everyone else who wanted to donate but couldn't, your support and encouragement was/ is amazing and means the world to me, so thank you! Honestly! THANK YOU!!! I'd be no where without my loyal, nutty and awesome readers!


NOW!!! On to the good stuff...


So, you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while (about 2 weeks- which for me is a life time!) I've been in a shitty funk so I didn't want to write a blog that lead to mass suicides or even worse, gave the impression I support emo-ism! Besides not wanting to write negative shit, I actually had NO desire to blog. NONE! This has never happened before! There's been times I've been tired or just not 'feeling it' so I've postponed posting for a day or 2 but this is totally different. The possibility of giving the whole blogging gig away altogether even seriously crossed my mind. I was just feeling OFF!


Yeah, a little like this... And a bit like... This...

But obviously, you're reading this... Which means I'm writing it... So, not all is totally lost. Before you freak out and heave your PC at a wall because you figure I'm going to go through every single shitty detail of why I'm in a poxy mood... Relax... I'm not going to bore you with my shit! Plus, I just popped a couple of Valium so I don't remember half of it anyway! Half of what!? Eg-fucking-zactly!

So ever since having my beautiful fat boy, Logie-Bear, almost 2 years ago I have been very un-awesome! I had a difficult pregnancy, which I basically went through alone because my hubby was working away 4 weeks at a time. Then I got post natal depression. Which is a mother fucker. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar movies made me hysterical and if anyone witnessed this, they would have been like... "Woah! That bitch needs a padded cell and some Enya STAT!" Although, I think the Enya would have pushed my right over the edge! So yeah that happened. My Prozac no longer worked...Booo! So, I went on a new drug and was ok.

My problem is, 2 years on, I feel fucked again and I don't feel like myself... At fucking all! It's not post natal (which I don't any more). I have depression. But, this is beyond depression and beyond post natal... There's a difference... Just trust me. I just feel shit! I eat fuck all and can't lose weight, I'm tired, I have headaches, blah blah blah. So I'm pretty sure I have a retarded thyroid! Fucking window licker! But, I wont know until Friday when I see my doc so fingers crossed it IS thyroid coz then I can get some drugs, make some appropriate changes and then, hopefully once again I can rock out with my cock out... Or jam out with my clam out... *Disclaimer there with be no actual clam exposure!

I think, not knowing and wanting to get this bullshit sorted is part of what's doing my head in. That and a whole heap of other crap that's happened in the last week.

So fingers crossed for me, please and I'll let you all know whats going on when I know!

Anyway! So last night I totally redefined the meaning of having a shit day! Like, fucking epically! Logan isn't really pro having his afternoon nap so once he's down for a sleep it's literally like no one make a god damn noise... If you have to fart or something... Don't... Or spread your cheeks and puff it out! One of the other rules is, I told Isabelle if she just does wees while he's asleep, don't flush. This is because she smashes the toilet seat down like it owes her money, climbs on it, flushes, usually while yelling 'Mummy, I flushed!'

Ok, so you get the picture... Logan's napping, Isabelle's gone to pee 'x' amount of times and I had to poop... Sorry but, it happens! I didn't even look in the bowl until I stood up to flush... I swear there was a fucking ROLL's worth of toilet paper in there. So, I flush the toilet and.... Blob blob blurb... The water fucking rises! I'm like FAAARK! I waited, hoping it would get it's shit together (excuse the pun) and go down, but no! Not owning a plunger, I tried to push it all down with the toilet brush... Which turns out wasn't long enough and just resulted in me dunking my hand in piss and shit as well as having nards embedded in the bristles of the brush... By this time, Todd's heard my panic and yelled from the lounge room asking "What the fuck, I was doing!?" I'm like "the toilets blocked! I'll fix it! Don't fucking go in there! I will fix it! DON'T GO IN THERE!!! He laughed at me and said "Jesus, woman! How big was your shit!?" I just yelled "FUCK UP, TODD!!!!"

So, I got a big stick that usually resides in my window sill, to try and jam the paper and shit down the 'S' bend... It wasn't flexible enough... So I ran out the back, (while once again reiterating to Todd "don't you fucking go in there!") to cut off a length of garden hose... Longer than than the stick... And flexible! It. Did. Not. Work!!!



So, I did what I had to do when faced with a bowl full of my shit and piss... I went in... I faced my shit demon! Well, my arm did... I know, I know! Fucking gross! So, I basically looked like one of those farmers who puts their arm up a cow... I'm slowly moving chunks of toilet paper and shit around, while thinking... Not much really, other than turd, turd, paper, turd, paper... Then finally, after what seemed like 4 hours, and throwing my shoulder out from contorting my arm to the shape of the 'S' bend, the fucker unblocked and it all went down the shitter... Literally!

This was followed by me scrubbing my arm like I was prepping for surgery, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing my arm again, pine-o-cleen-ing my entire arm, yelling to Todd "I never want to be a plumber!", before showering... Vigorously...Taking a handful Valium (with my LEFT hand- just in case), followed by trying not to crap ever again! So, before you tell me 'you had a shit week".... SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking hell no, you didn't!!!



Totally me... I wasn't rocking the devilish smile, though! (At least, I don't think so... I couldn't see my own face- No mirror in my crapper... Any more.)
ALMOST ME! Except no stilettos... And this chick has no arse... Or vagina?

So, there you have it! I apologise if you vomited!


Until next time (which hopefully wont be so fucking long!)...


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo