Use your own fucking phone!

What a month! One Monday night a few weeks back, Todd didn't get home until 7pm... There was a good reason, but I can't remember it now... All I know was it was one of those days where the kids were seriously making me question my will to live! Logan refused to have a nap and was set on DESTROY mode (even more than normal) and Isabelle, trashed her room and pissed and moaned like all frickin day!!! So by the time Todd strolled in around 7pm I was all like "Aaaargh! Fuck fucking! Carpet fucking! Shit! Everywhere! Fuck! Migraine! Fucking! Shit! Temporal hemorrhoids! Kids! Dinner! Bed! Fucking! Fuck!!! Right fucking now!!! So that was Monday... Todd said he would be home MUCH earlier on Tuesday... 

I wasn't too far off this...

Tuesday: So, Toddy rang me about 3.30pm to say he has to meet with a client at 4 but he'd be home by 5 at the latest... Somehow, I lost track of time and the children were quietly sitting and watching TV (which, like NEVER happens!) and I fell asleep! (thankfully, my eyebrows hadn't been shaved off while I was passed out on the couch)... Anyway Todd gets home about 6.30pm and I said 'pain in the arse clients?' as I figured they'd said they wanted to see him for a quick chat, but then held him up for 2 hours discussing the different shades of white paint available... This happens all the time... Turns out his meeting WAS a quickie (not the sexual kind...) but on his was home a truck ran a red light and smashed into a car that literally landed right in front of Todd's car... Upside down! Luckily, my baby has his senior first aid certificate because the dude in the upside down car had his jugular sliced open! At the time Todd didn't go into much detail, other than saying he did his best to restrict the bleeding, the ambulance arrived and took the dude to hospital. The details that emerged later were that Todd had used his STAPLER to staple this guys jugular to his neck skin so that the ambulance officer/ hospital could get to it as quickly as possible! He then wrapped a shirt he found in the guys back seat around his neck and secured it with a thong! (for my American readers- thong as in flip flops... Not the kind of underwear) all while this dude was upside and in his car! I don't know about anyone else but that's a pretty fucking awesome effort! Absolutely fucking disgusting, but still awesome none the less!

So once the the ambulance arrived and the cops took Toddy's details, Todd made his way home... On his way home, he realised he was covered in blood so he stopped at a petrol station and cleaned himself up... I'd love to have seen the clerks face when Todd strolled in, covered in blood and in a hurry to get home! Aaahahaha! Anyway! He gets home, tells me all of the above and I say: "do you have any cuts on your hands or arms?" Bad thing to say, because he DID! The next 30+ minutes involved the bathroom, bleach, an industrial sized scrubbing brush, Pine-O-Clean and Betadine... That craziness then moved to the backyard where he ceremonially burnt the towel he used to dry himself... He was then going on about getting tested and having to wait 3 months and just generally stressing. I looked at his hands... One 'cut' wouldn't have even been classified as a paper cut and the other was small and had a decent scab... Before I knew it he had drunk a bottle of wine and was being weird. I was like... "Dude! You'll be fine!" Secretly, I understood his worry... But both of us being freaked out would get us no where. 

Between the blood thing and the fact he'd just had to kick in a car window and finger a random dudes throat gash to find the cut artery and staple it to his neck, Todd was a little off the planet... Understandably... I asked him if he got the coppers name and badge number... He hadn't but the cop had said that he would call Todd to let him know if the guy survived or not. I said to Todd 'Well, if and when the cop calls you, explain your concern about the blood and get him to ask the dude (if he survived) if he has HIV or hepatitis' ... It may not work (especially if the guy is dead) but if it does, then at least Toddy would know right away weather he needed to be freaked out or not!

The cop rang the next day. The guy survived! They gave him a blood transfusion in the ambulance and he was being closely watched but should be ok... And if toddy didn't do what he did, chances are the guy would have been dead by the time the ambulance arrived... So I'm VERY proud of my own personal George Clooney! Anyway, Todd explained his concerns to the cop about the blood etc and the cop said he'd call him back. He did so within 15 minutes and the guy said, he wasn't aware of having hepatitis or anything along those lines. The cop also said his blood work came back clean.

Anyway... Now for something that is so fucking bizarre and warped, if I hadn't experienced it myself, I would not believe it! 


I drove to the servo late one night and I saw Todd's phone sitting in the console so I decided to check it out... Because I'm nosey... And because I was snooping about as I do every year, prior to Christmas... Don't ask... On Todd's phone once you delete something it goes to a folder called 'Deleted Items' so until you actually delete the messages from that folder, they are still on the phone. Usually there's nothing in this file... This time there was... So I've gone through this file and found pictures of lingerie, tits, some bitches face and an extreme close up of her vag... As in, I don't think this chicks gynaecologist has had this good a view of her twot! So I'm freaking out. Heart palpitations and all... Because, obviously I don't know what the fuck is going on... All I know is, there's some crazy ass fucking shit going on here... And someone is going to end up getting stabbed! 


I know Todd and I trust him so although I'm freaking the fuck out I was still thinking there was some logical explanation for all this. Plus, Todd knows how his phone works and I would think he would delete any incriminating shit properly IF he was going to get up to no good. Anyway, so there's a random vag and then I saw a sent picture... Of Todd's cock... This was starting to make me panic! I know he's lent his phone to people before, against my advice, which could account for the beaver pics but why was his cock being sent to anyone other than me? I checked the numbers... The sender of the beaver pic was also the recipient of my man's knob pic! Now I couldn't breathe... All the while parked at fucking Caltex! I rang this bitch... No answer... Which is a good thing because, honestly I could hardly breathe at the time, let alone talk! Then, I saw the message that sent me over the edge. A picture of a hand written list this chick wrote... A list of pros and cons for keeping the baby... What I gathered was it was either her exes kid or someone else's... Then I saw Todd's name on the list... At this point I was like what the fucking fuck!!! All I could think was: A) I, obviously never knew Todd at all, B) If he was going to cheat why is he down grading to a scabby looking brunette? C) Surely he would be smart enough to wear a condom... He loves his kids and isn't the kind of guy to just go around impregnating woman and to be cool about having kids all the place... D) Is he so dumb that he didn't erase the messages from his own phone properly? And E) ... My Dad is going to fucking kill him! 


So I ran into caltex... Bought something random that I didn't go there for and drove home... Without killing myself... Which is amazing because I am literally the worlds worst driver when I'm upset. I woke Todd up and went off about him cheating and knocking up some brunette whore... Besides the fact that he's normally daft as fuck when he wakes up he was just like what the fuck are you talking about? He denied cheating. Which doesn't mean much because 99% of people would deny it. I wanted answers. He didn't have any. That wasn't really helping me. I wanted to know why some mole was sending him dirty pics. Why was he sending her pics of his dick and why the fuck was there a list about keeping the baby with his fucking name on it!? He didn't have any answers. He looked distressed and confused (even more so than normal). Todd asked me what I wanted him to do. I was like "tell my why those pictures are on your phone and why some random bitch has a list with your name on it saying she's pregnant?" He answered with "I don't know." Which wasn't really good enough and just sounded like 'I can't think of a decent lie right now.' My response was, 'well, at least admit it and show me some respect by not lying to me.' he refused to admit to anything and swore black and blue he didn't know what the fuck was going on. I told him I was leaving with the kids but I wasn't guna wake them and would wait until the next day. I drugged myself and went to bed. Todd woke me up and said 'I lent my phone out to one of my painters. I'll find out what the fuck is going on in the morning.' I was like 'yep' and went to sleep. He didn't sleep all night. 


I was pretty fucking calm, which, I think is pretty terrifying for anyone who knows me... It was weird... I could not think of ONE thing Todd could tell me that would convince me this was all a big fuck up... I mean, you read what happened... There's no way of getting out of that shit right?
Well, let's just say... I'm glad I didn't stab him...


First thing next morning, Todd tracks down this painter and found out the following FUCKED up story...

Todd lent his personal mobile, not his work mobile to this painter... Todd, then had to leave quickly, totally forgetting about his mobile. This painter guy had the phone for WEEKS, before giving it back... Todd never uses it so it kind of slipped his mind and there was no real need to get it back in a hurry. Obviously, Todd knew that part of the story... The following is the part of the story neither Todd or I knew... Or could have imagined in our wildest dreams!




This is where shit gets really fucked up and weird! The painter guy who borrowed the phone, took it out to the pub, met some chick and gave her Todd's phone number as his own. This dude told this chick that he's single, his name is Todd, he is a residential supervisor and he's 35... In reality he's married, his name is Eddie, he's a painter and he's 45... Anyway... He's got this chicks number and he'd been messaging her in secret... So his wife wouldn't find out... But wait... It gets even more disturbing! So, not only has this fuck head basically stolen Todd's identity but he's also gone through Todd's phone and found old pictures Todd had taken of his knob (for me) and sent these pictures to this chick who thinks it's 'Todd's' knob... Well it is, but not the Todd she's thinking of! Obviously he liked Todd's knob better than his own... But why go to all this effort? Besides the fact he's obviously seriously fucked in the head?!? Well, his wife had found some suss messages on his mobile before and had told him she would give him the benefit of the doubt but if anything weird happened again she would cut his dick off... 


So rather than listen his wife's warning, he decided to use someone else's name, number, occupation and knob in order to get into this other chicks pants. Obviously, he figured his wife wouldn't go through somebody else's phone and if she did, she'd just think 'Todd' was messaging some girl and even if she saw the knob pics she'd know it wasn't her hubbies knob therefore quashing all suspicion!? So, he ends up sending this chick pictures of Todd's knob and she sends him pics of her minge... Well, I believe it was hers... Who fucking knows! They end up fucking... I'd wanna hope he had a similar dick to Todd or the chick must have been really confused mid coitus... Either way she still jumped on it resulting in her falling pregnant... But she doesn't know if it's to her ex or to 'Todd'... Drama! 


This random chick then writes a list of pros and cons in regards to keeping the baby, based on who ends up being the father. She takes a picture of this list and sends a copy to 'Todd'. So she's knocked up but these two (the random chick and the Todd impersonator) are still getting their fuck on. Until... He goes for a shower and she finds his wallet... She looks at his licence and sees he's not 35 and his name is Edward...Not Todd! This caused a slight problem! She throws him out. He deletes the messages exchanged between them and leaves Todd's phone at one of Todd's jobs. Todd grabs his phone and it sits... Waiting... For weeks. Months. Mostly gathering dust. Not even switched on, most of the time. Just sitting. Waiting. Until... I find the messages this fuck thought he'd deleted.


This guy told Todd everything...But didn't apologise. He was more concerned than his wife some how found out and threw him out on his arse. What an absolute fucking nut case. I trust Todd and knew there there had to be something explanation. Who the fuck does the shit this guy did? Todd lent this fuck his phone to make a call and this fucking psycho uses it to cheat on his wife, potentially ruining our lives along the way, he fucks this other poor bitch over as well as going through all of Todd's personal photos and shit! Like what the fucking fuck!?! And he wasn't even sorry. He basically told Todd to get the fuck over it... Shit happens!?! FUCKING CRAZY MOTHER FUCKERS... They're everywhere!


I also looked through Todd's mobile bills from the date I remembered off one of the messages... Luckily, the phone bill matched the story Todd was given, and that Todd gave me... No need to sharpen my knives!!! 


So, yeah... I'm glad I listened to that little voice in my head that said 'you know Todd, he's not a cunt... Don't glue his balls to his butt hole... Or I could have just been in denial... either way... Don't lend anyone your phone! Hahaha!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo