Originally Posted June 2016
I was writing a Facebook status just having an epically long, painful, fucking whinge about my morning. Precisely the events that occurred between about 8am and 9.05am... Anyway, shit got out of hand and turns out I can easily complain about a single hour in such detail that it just ends up way too long to be a fb status. So yeah... I kind of accidentally just wrote a blog post... This isn't my usual high quality, balls deep, depraved, top notch low brow shit. I'm just venting and sharing my suffering whilst displaying the fact that I am completely unable to write something concisely.
Who can write a post about 1 hour of their day?? Well for me it was a very very full on hour and 5 minutes. I had to make decisions like a real adult n stuff... Shit got real... I'm not gunna lie. There were times where I didn't know if I gave enough of a fuck to get shit done... And it sounds like I'm talking about some major shit... But my major shit is most people's minor shit. I felt like I was performing open heart surgery, whilst preparing a full 8 course banquet for the UN peace summit all while killing terrorists who'd been sent after me to jack off in the hollandaise sauce I prepared from scratch... Isn't that a plot from a Van Damme movie? No? Well it fucking should be. Look into that for me, will ya? Ok. Awesome.
My mission... That the universe forced me into accepting was... To get the kids to school. Heavy, I know!
I may have been feeling *slightly* dramatic and a little over the top as the whole situation was unfolding... But who the fuck would wanna read something completely sane? If you answered "I do" then fuck off right now. This ain't the blog for you. Go jerk off with a lime or a 9 volt battery or whatever it is you normal boring fuckers do in your gazebos. Fucking gazebo loving, freakoid, twots!
l'm literally like you're own personal Meryl fucking Streep crossed with that M Night Shama-lama-ding-dong dude... So much intense drama and suspense just to end up with an aching arse hole. And not in a good way... If there's even such a thing as an enjoyable anal injury... I dunno... But if there is... This ain't that. Or maybe it is? Kinda lost what I was getting at there...
Anyway... Here is what started as a simple day and a simple status and then I just Jenna'd all over it to the max... I kinda Jenna'd on myself big time so a load of washing is now definitely on the cards. Mmmm that's good quishy. Fuck I'm so lost.
My morning has been a cunt-stacle course of monumental fuckedness. I couldn't find Logan's Ritalin so I had to get those...
$40 a month to prevent my son from burning down the house as we sleep is definitely an essential especially because without his drugs he may end up getting sent home for calling his teacher a dick head, again. But he always manages ro run out when we're low on cash. Lucky I don't have another kid or a BABY who needs stuff like food, formula, nappies etc... Oh shit... I do. Isabelle eats like she's a small asian man training for a hot dog eating contest and Jacob's a porky little fucker too. All he does is eat and shit. And shit and eat and he's cute... But really that's all that he's got going for him right now... At least until I hear a "Mumma" out of that fat little head of his... He's not really putting much back into this so called relationship.
But thank God I don't need my meds... Oh what.... I'm completely unhinged and my pharmacist gets moist just thinking how much my meds cost me on a monthly basis... And of course I need my drugs. Mummy must have her pills, money or no money or I'll have to hock my box for my pharmaceutical allowance. I tried that before. Somehow I ended up OWING money. Hahaha. Yeah...
Inner monologue: Ok, no dramas. I can totally do it all before the school siren goes. I have to get the kids lunch packs from the local shops anyway...
The universe: Nar cunt. Just... Nar.
Half way through just picking up the "essentials"... Which was apparently more than I thought... Even though I wrote a list... And actually stuck to it... Apparently my bare essentials aren't that fucking bare... Or light. I'm heaving this poxy, heavy as fuck basket around that's making me walk like Quasi-fucking-modo, coz I'm kicking my leg out as I walk around the shops.
I suddenly get a feeling that I should check my bank account... Account Balance $551.00 DEBIT!!! So I had to put a temporary hold on my shopping/ schmoozing and rubbing shoulders with societies elite and hidden gems that frequent the IGA and go straight to code brown. Also known as defcon farrrrrrk. After standing in the dairy isle long enough that the staff were visibly weirded out and walked away clearly feeling uncomfortable, I remembered...
Todd's with the Commonwealth Bank. You filthy slut. I love you. Thank fuck Todd's with CBA and they have that whole "cardless cash shit"... But the CBA ATM is at Maddington Central! And, bless them! They took the entire bank from across the road along with all the ATMs and put them inside the shops... Which is fun... Trying to find it... With 3 kids. You know, coz the Commonwealth Bank isn't a major bank or anything and of course the kind of people who use ATMs want to park, walk, locate and then use a fucking machine that has no business being inside and is only accessible during whatever the fuck time banks are open 5 days a week. Convenience is over rated! Give the twitching bean flicker a raise for that brilliant fucking idea. PUT ONE ATM OUTSIDE FOR FUCK SAKE.
So I got to just absorb all the eclectic, awesome, joyful vibes of both the residents of Kenwick AND Maddington all in one morning. They're just some really fucking awesome people who are totally thrilled with how their lives have turned out and even better they get to ride out the rest of this *Julie Fucking Andrews twirling on a mountain top* inspired life in this community of champions that only Kenwick and it's surrounds could assemble with such class, grace and sex appeal...
For the really slow people... I'm being sarcastic. Everyone is a shit cunt, living in a shit hole, too anally raped by life to just slash their fucking wrists and end the cluster fuck of a skid mark they call "living"... These fuckers make me look like the happiest, most clean cut, overly enthusiastic, positive mother fucker like EVER. And as you can tell by my super upbeat, happy go lucky VIBE I'm joyfully rolling with the awesome lay back groove thats flowing around me... Not!!!!!
So many faces that scream: drop kick, butt lick, old as shit, wrinkled, cracked out, chronic masturbating, sun damaged, botched rectum, mexican surgical procedure scarred, mofo's all with that "life smacked me with too many big black cocks over the last few decades" look in their eyes.
Go get the fucking cardless cash. Freak out over 8 digit pins, retinal and sphinter scanners required while I'm on the phone to Todd to get his 4 digit net code while the ATM keeps wanting to know if I need more time and beeping at me like a reversing truck. It was stressful. Got the code. Got the money. Drove back to the shops. Waited in an epic line of people I resent just for breathing. Get my shit. Pay. Pick up meds from chemist. Drug Logan. Feed the kids chocolate for breakfast. Drive them to school almost forget to give them the lunch packs I specifically went to the fucking shops to get in the place. The kids were late. But I did introduce them to Black Sabbath during our mission, so it was more educational than the "great hog cock shortage of 1929 and how that had a massive impact on absolutely fucking nothing at all" or whatever absolute fucking horse shit they're expecting my children to learn, retain and give a flying fuck about today.
Defeated mother fuckers. I need out. I hate this fucking place and this shit shack fucking house. And I need a new phone.
... Bahahaha. Sorry. Reading this back to myself and going from die die die, bring back the WW2 death camps, vote 1 Trump to... But, before I set you all on fire while you sleep... A new phone... Totally would change everything. And then rainbows n unicorns and glitter. WOW!!!! Yeah.... Made me laugh.
That simmered down and darted off in a totally different direction didn't it??? Anyway...
The fucker I'm borrowing has a smashed screen and 5 whole gigs of internal storage.. I've smoked weed with more internal storage than this phone!!!
Boom. How the fuck is your day!?! Don't answer. The baby is now screaming... Probably wants to take a dump on me while I feed him.
Anddddddd I'm back to questioning what is it I'm getting out of all this.
Love your guts... Not as much as usual. Nothing personal. Or maybe it is. Stay on your toes, around me today.
Love Jen xoxo