Friday, 24 June 2016

Reading This Can't Be Can't Be Good For You!!!

I was writing a Facebook status just epically fucking whinging about this morning and the events that occurred from about 8am- 9.05am..Shit got out of hand and it's just too long to be a fb status. So yeah... After forever I kind of accidentally just wrote a blog post... 

Who can write a post about 1 hour of their day?? Well for me it was a very very full on hour and 5 minutes. I had to make decisions like a real adult n shit... It got real... I'm not gunna lie. There were times... I didn't know if I gave enough of a fuck to get shit done... And it sounds like I'm talking about some major shit like performing open heart surgery while preparing a full banquet for the UN peace summit all while killing terrorists dead set on jacking off in the hollandaise sauce I prepared from scratch... Is that a Van Damme movie? No? It fucking should be.

Really my actual mission... Get the kids to school. I may have been feeling *slightly* dramatic and a little over the top as the whole situation was unfolding... But who the fuck would wanna read something completely sane? And if you answered "I do" then fuck off right now. This ain't the blog for you. Go jerk off with a lime or a 9 volt battery or whatever it is you normal boring fuckers do in your gazebos. Fucking gazebos.

l'm literally like you're own personal Meryl fucking Steep crossed with that M Night Shama-lama-ding-dong dude... So much intense drama and suspense just to end up with an achy arse hole... And not in a good way... If there's even such a thing as an enjoyable anal injury... I dunno... But if there is... This ain't that. Or maybe it is? Kinda lost what was getting at there...

Anyway... Here is what started as a simple day and a simple status and then I just Jenna'd all over it to the max... 

My morning has been a cunt-stacle course of monumental fuckedness. I couldn't find Logan's Ritalin so had to get those... 

Oh sure, $40+ a month to prevent my son from burning down the house as we sleep or being completely unable to focus at school is chump change... It's not like he NEEDS them. I just like seeing the little goof ball get jacked up on pharmaceuticals every morning...  

Lucky I don't have another kid or a BABY who needs stuff like food, formula, nappies etc... Oh shit... I do. And he's a porky little fucker. All he does is eat and shit. And shit and eat and he's cute... But really that's all that he's got going for him right now... At least until I hear a "Mumma" out of that fat little head of his... He's not really putting much back into this so called relationship. 

But thank God I don't need meds... Oh what.... I'm completely unhinged and my pharmacist gets moist just thinking how much my meds cost me on a monthly basis... And of course I need my drugs. Mummy must have her pills, money or no money or you're gunna send me out hooking for my pharmaceutical allowance. We tried that. I ended up OWING money. Hahaha. Yeah...

Ok, no drama. I can totally do it all before the school siren goes. I have to get the kids lunch packs from the local shops anyway...

The universe: Nar cunt. Just... Nar.

Half way through just picking up the "essentials"... Which was apparently more than I thought... Even though I wrote a list... And actually stuck to it... Apparently my bare essentials aren't that fucking bare... Or light. Heaving that poxy, heavy as fuck basket around that's making me walk like Quasi-fucking-modo, kicking my leg out n shit around the local shops.

I suddenly get a feeling that I should check my bank account... Account Balance $551.00 DEBIT!!! So I had to put a temporary hold on my schmoozing and rubbing shoulders with societies real elite hidden gems. And go straight to code brown. Also known as Farrrrrrk. After standing in the dairy isle long enough that the staff were visibly weirded out and walked away, clearly uncomfortable, I remembered...


Todd's with the Commonwealth Bank. You filthy slut. I love you. Thank fuck Todd's with CBA and they have that whole "cardless cash shit"... But the CBA ATM is at Maddington Central! And, bless them! They took the entire bank from across the road along with all the ATMs and put them inside the shops... Which is fun... Trying to find... With 3 kids. You know, coz the Commonwealth Bank isn't a major bank or anything and of course the kind of people who use ATMs want to park, walk, find and use a fucking machine that has no business being inside and is only accessible during whatever the fuck time banks are open 5 days a week. Give the twitching bean flicker a raise for that brilliant fucking idea. PUT ONE ATM OUTSIDE FOR FUCK SAKE. 


So I got to just absorb all the eclectic, awesome, joyful vibes of both the residents of Kenwick AND Maddington all on one morning. They're just some really fucking awesome people who are totally thrilled with how their lives have turned out and even better they get to ride out the rest of this *Julie Fucking Andrews twirling on a mountain top* inspired life in the community of champions that only Kenwick and its surrounds could assemble with such class, grace and sex appeal... 


For the really slow people... I'm being sarcastic. Everyone is a shit cunt, living in a shit hole, too anally raped by life to even be fucked trying to pretend to plan to just slash their fucking wrists and end the cluster fuck of a skid mark they call "living"... These fuckers make me look like the happiest, most clean cut, overly enthusiastic, positive mother fucker like EVER. And as you can tell by my super upbeat, happy go lucky VIBE I'm joyfully rolling with the awesome lay back groove thats flowing around me... Not!!!!! 


If I'm the top of the heap... The heap is 'A' fucking plus drop kicks and butt licks and they just love showing off their old as shit, wrinkled, sun damaged, botched rectal relocation surgically scarred looking, too many "life smacked me with the big black cock, repeatedly..." looking faces.


So we left home. Went to the chemist. The local. Realised I had to drive to another shopping centre. Get the fucking cardless cash. Freak out over 8 digit pins and retinal scanners while I'm on the phone to Todd to get his 4 digit net code while the ATM keeps wanting to know if I need more time and beeping while it could ts down how long I have before I have to receive a full cavity search or start over again either way... Stressful. Got the code. Got the money. Drove back to the shops. Waited in an epic line of people I resent just for breathing. Get my shit from behind the counter. Pay. Pick up meds from chemist. Drug Logan. Feed the kids chocolate for breakfast. Drive them to school almost forget to give them the lunch packs I specifically went to the fucking shops to get in the place. The kids were late. But I did introduce them to Black Sabbath during the mission of no importance, so it was more educational than the hog cock shortage of 1929 and how that had a massive impact on absolutely fucking nothing at all or whatever absolute fucking horse shit they're expecting my children to learn, retain and give a flying fuck about today.


Defeated mother fuckers. I need out. I hate this fucking place and this shit shack fucking house. And I need a new phone.


... Bahahaha. Sorry. Reading this back to myself and going from die die die, bring back the WW2 death camps, vote 1 Trump to... But before I set you all on fire while you sleep... A new phone... Totally would change everything. And then rainbows n unicorns and glitter. WOW!!!! Yeah.... Made me laugh. 


That simmered down and darted off in a totally different direction didn't it??? Anyway...


The fucker I'm borrowing has a smashed screen and 5 whole gigs of internal storage.. I smoked weed with more internal storage than this phone!!! AND I DONT SMOKE WEED!!! 


Boom. How the fuck is your day!?! Don't answer. The baby is now screaming... Probably wants to take a dump on me while I feed him. 


Anddddddd I'm back to questioning what is it I'm getting out of all this.


Love your guts... Not as much as usual. Nothing personal. Or maybe it is. Stay on your toes around me today.


Love Jen xoxo