Tuesday, 14 October 2014

You bought a Jeep???

This actually started out as Facebook status... Thing is I realised after the first few paragraphs of ranting, I'd pretty much written an epic "Lord Of The Rings" style saga and I thought it was well overdue for me to write a blog and  traumatise some mother fuckers! So this baby was born.  If this post was a DVD... This bitch would be well and truly OVERDUE!!! Luckily I don't have an obligation to write blog posts on a regular basis or I'd owe my readers a big wad... Either I'd be handing over a wad of cash or taking a wad of cum right in my mouth... Which realistically, with my financial situation, if I haven't taken a shot in the mouth or given a couple of hand jobs down at the local for extra cash by now, it ain't gunna happen.

First paragraph in and I've already mentioned tugging off randoms for money & copping a load in the mouth to clear a late fee for an overdue DVD that doesn't exist then somehow turned into a blog post??? Impressed? Or are you that use the crazy that you didn't even think twice and was just like... Oh that Jenna! She's still got "it"... And by "it" I'm referring to my chemical imbalance &/or improper dosages of my medications... "It" was not referring to that rash I had a while back... That's cleared up now with the assistance of some medicated cream... Bahahaha. Am I serious or am I fucking with you? Who knows! Least of all me!

So as I was saying before my meds wore off or kicked in or interacted with each other in some bizarre, spectacular, psychotic, scientific anomaly, which explains why I can never remember anything between the hours of 11.13am and 2.47pm every second Wednesday... Anyway... As I was saying before I went off on one of my trademark tangents... This post started out as Facebook status. I quickly realised I had entirely way too much to say... And luckily for you, I could actually be fucked typing it all out rather than just coming to the realisation I'm even more weird than I realised and doing nothing about it except sitting here feeling uniquely "special" and smug until Todd returned home and asked what the fuck was wrong with my face. I'm guessing he would have suspected my smug expression was probably gas or that I'd poisoned his beer or something. At which point I'd laugh and completely forget what the fuck I was doing just sitting there smugging the place up. As it is, I just finished that sentence and was thinking: fuck me, if I had a smug quota, I just filled that baby right to the top!

Want to know a secret? I've completely forgotten how this whole smug nonsense came about. Or what I have to be smug about in the first place... It's obviously not my short term memory. Fear not! I do proof read this shit I write and I'm sure it'll all come back to me! If not I can sit here and smugly read over the crap that passes for writing these days, and critique myself...

Oh that's right i was feeling smug about being a complete weirdo!?!
I love reading my old stuff (blog posts, status updates, old letters etc) and laughing my arse off at the shit that goes through my head and I praise the internet for allowing me to record these random thoughts and read them later while thinking "fuck me I'm funny". I make myself laugh more than anyone I know. That's not normal is it? I'm not sure if that makes me delusional, conceited or easily amused!?! Maybe all 3? I may be the first openly del-ceit-eas-ed person ever! Just made up my own word! Boom. AWESOME. Pow! So now I'm the first "Aw-del-ceit-eas-ed" person EVER. It's easier to pronounce than it looks... Say it with me: Awdelceiteased. Sounds German. I am German (partly) so that works on many different levels... Why. Just coz! See, that's totally a German thing too! Anyway... Now finally this status that became a blog post...

I've realised that I'm quite abusive towards my television. Well not physically abusive towards the TV itself... It's just the content that I'm subjected to that causes me to develop acute, uncontrollable, domestic appliance, violence! Bahahaha that rhymes! And it's not even the normal kind of abuse like yelling at the news about Iraq or politics or midgets being exploited by Colombian drug lords or whatever the fuck is on the news... I don't know. I don't watch the shit. Too depressing!!!

I grew up listening to my dad yelling at the news so there's gotta be some kind of residual trauma from that! So how am I different from my father? Well not in as many ways as I'd like but when it comes to the whole talking to the television thing... He gets really fucking mad! Like he goes right off his face. ALWAYS at the news!!! And he talks to it as if he expects answers! Whereas I go off at TV commercials. TOTALLY different, right!?! I especially hate commercials that tell me to do shit or ask me stupid questions... Some examples:

TV: Buy super large, extra absorbent, micro chipped, twot temperature regulating, tampons NOW!
Me: GET FARRRRKED!!!! I don't know who told you I need super large, technologically advanced, tampons but you have been misinformed, Sir! MIS-IN-FORMEDDDDD!!!! Make regular sized muff plugs with glitter and a built in iPod & then we'll talk!!!

OR commercials advertising yet another new sitcom! 

 TV: Join Trixie on her journey as she deals with divorce, menopause, life, love, loss, discovering crack cocaine, rehabilitation, STD's, butt plugs & drug relapses all as she realises her lifelong dream of becoming a poodle taxidermist..."
Me: Go fuck yourself, Trixie... Fucking toe rag! Get your fat pommy arse the fuck off my TV... Like right fucking NOW!!! And how the fuck did my TV end up on the UK channel anyway!?!? What the fucking fuck is going on here!?! Fucking Trixie!!! Cunt!"

Or the best ones are infomercials! With that atrocious "acting" that porn stars would be embarrassed by just sends me right off!

Years ago there was an advert for bronzer. It was a bad cheaply made Kiwi commercial which is just like a bad cheaply made Australian commercial, but with funny accents... So there was plenty to take the piss (or pus) out of... But it wasn't until the very end of the commercial that I decided I HAD to say something... The last "actor" was a guy... Now if this was an ad for self tanner or the gay pride festival was coming up I could understand their choice to include a guy...But why choose this dowdy looking prick, who thought WAY too highly of himself??? This product was a shimmery based powder! No straight man would be caught dead wearing it... Not even this pasty, virgin they pulled out of their arses at the last minute who clearly doesn't realise yet that he's gay! But all that aside the thing that shat me off was this guy claiming that "The chicks dig it!" But he was a kiwi so he said: "The chucks dug it!"
 Me: No, fuck head... The chucks do NOT dug it! 

This guy clearly still lived with his mum, had never had a girlfriend & was without a doubt still a virgin who collected Pokemon cards... Whose bright idea was this? Let's throw some guy into the commercial to try & double our sales! Not the worst idea I've ever heard, but why pick a guy who clearly isn't even wearing the fucking bronzer he's claiming that all these chucks are dugging!?! He's clearly on the homoerotic express straight to dong town, but yeah the "chucks" totally "dug" nerds who don't know they love anal yet! And the most irritating part? You could tell that he actually thought that ad was going to help him score some "chucks"! The only chucks that dude was scoring was from girls laughing so hard at him even trying to pick them up that they actually vomited out of their nose! Snot vomit, people! Snomit! 

Lastly & this one really grates my arse... Whoever the fuck came up with the new Jeep ads... Please die. Now!!! I've had better ideas for commercials in my shit!

You bought a jeep? I bought a jeep! You bought a jeep? I bought a jeep! You bought a jeep? Yeah, fucktard, I bought a mother fucking jeep?!?
Me: THE MOTHER FUCKER BOUGHT A MOTHER FUCKING JEEP! A wise choice in this economy!
Me in a ditzy voice: I'm a single female who lives in the suburbs and catches public transport to work every day. I've never been 4 x 4 driving in my life, nor do I have any desire to ever do so, so naturally I had to buy a huge petrol guzzling V8!

Why is the person asking the question like... You fucking fuck tard, you actually bought one of those heaps of shit? Are you fucking high? And the Jeep buying mother fucker doesn't even question why the other dip shit keeps asking them the same fucking question. Can you imagine Samuel L Jackson in one of these ads? You just know someones going to end up getting shot!

Me yelling at the TV: Are you fucking deaf? Yes, they bought a fucking Jeep. We've established that... Was your family raped, scalped, murdered & burnt by a tribe of vicious Jeep Cherokees, while you were forced to watch??? No? Then what the fucking fuck is your mother fucking damage??? Which part aren't you understanding?! How about you say it again and I'll ram the spare tyre right up your pisser! 

This ad just screams "Yeah we had nothing..." Instead of emphasising the word YOU they chose to emphasise the word JEEP... Which just sounds like... "You bought a JEEP... A fucking JEEP... Like on purpose??? Fucking why?" Instead they should have emphasised the word YOU. As in.., YOU have enough money to buy a Jeep??? Which could then be parleyed into a statement about it's surprising affordability! Which is still fucking irritating and insulting but not to the product they're trying to sell just to the person who apparently has earned a reputation as being a poor arse who can't afford to buy a car, let alone a Jeep... But whatever. They got paid for saying 4 words! Repeatedly! 

The fact that I figured out how to fix the botched ad by changing the emphasis from one word to another WHILE I was typing this just shows that either I should be in advertising or Jeep should stop airing their fucking commercials, fire all the staff responsible for allowing it to ever be seen in the first place & then it wouldn't leave me screaming... "Yes! They bought a fucking Jeep you window licking, cunt rash!!!! MOVE ONNNN!"

Yes, I have issues... We know this!!!

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo