Sunday, 8 September 2013

So Many Fucking Windows!

Long time no blog!

This started out as a Facebook status, but to really do it justice I decided it should be a blog post.

By the time I post this... "today" is actually yesterday and "tomorrow" is actually today... Still with me!?! Ok

... So it was my first day of work today... I'm working for Toddy (or his company) cleaning up after filthy tradies and making houses pretty before the owners move in. How did it go, I hear you ask? Well...

I left the house late, then I had to line up to vote... And I mean LINE THE FUCK UP!!! It was bullshit. Anyway, I voted... Almost for the Weed Party just for shits and giggs, but I take my democratic right to vote seriously... So I voted for the Australian Sex Party... Coz I'll take a knob over a stick any day. Then after that mandatory crapola I went & grabbed myself a bottle of water (with lime- if you care... Fuck you, if you don't coz you can't unread what you just read, mother fucker! Bahahaha!)

Right! I'm set! I voted, I got my cleaning shit Tetris'd to fuck in my boot, I got my water (lime flavoured- ha!), got the address of the job in my GPS and... I'm off!

2 minutes before arriving at my 'destination' I realise that despite clearly typing, William Street WATTLE GROVE into my GPS, the piece of shit takes me to William Street in BECKINGHAM!!! It's only like 15 minutes away, but seriously TomTom... What the fucking fuck!?!

So I get to the job... Finally... At 11am! Fuck! Then there's half a driveway... Meaning I have to walk my boot load of odd shaped & heavy shit all the way to this huge fucking cunt of a house... Seriously it was a mother fucker. Not to mention the neighbours, who had obviously just moved in and decided to invite everyone they'd ever met in their entire fucking lives to come and view their new dwelling. And between the looks I was getting and the noises I heard I think they hadn't ever seen houses before. Fucking warpo tent people!

So I get inside the house away from the tent people... And all I could think was... Whoever the fuck designed this heap of shit needs a swift kick in the cunt! I could crap in my hand, ditch it at the wall, use a stick to mark a few key points and have designed a better house!

I set up my music, took a step back and realised... I don't even clean my own house... What the fuck am I doing here cleaning someone elses? And don't get me wrong... I CAN clean... I just don't like it... And cleaning my own house is totally different to a builders clean. I know what I have to do (sort of) but there's so much shit to clean and I don't want spend anymore time there than I have to... But it's not in me to half arse anything... But I need to make this shit happen as fast as possible for it to be worth the money.

Then shit just went from fucked up to Miley Cyrus at the VMA's... I'd brought several different industrial strength cleaners which I had diluted down into cute little squirty bottles... Which didn't fucking squirt... Fuck! I fill a bucket with soapy water and wash the windows... After I remove the tape from the frames... Along with half the plaster! Not my fault though... Shit plasterer! Seriously... Todd said it was a crap plastering job and it couldn't be helped. But he wasn't there when I started so I was already like... Fucking failed, ya fucking Slag! Anyway back to the window washing... Windows washed... Well 4 of them... And that's just ONE room... Oh fuck... I have to vacuum the tracks... And they're all wet... It's ok! I have a wet/ dry vacuum! No, it's not ok... The fucking nozzle for window tracks is way too fucking big and I can't get it in close enough to suck the shit out. I bashed the end of the nozzle with my pink hammer from my pink tool set Toddy got me.... It cracked the fucker (the nozzle not the hammer) but it made no difference.

Water break! It's 1.30pm! What the fucking fuck, Batman!?! 2 and a half hours and I've removed some tape, cleaned 4 windows, realised I forgot my cute little tool belt/ apron thingy, thought about telling Todd he was a cock stain for getting me into this fucking horse shit and smashed the end of my vacuum nozzle in an attempt to suck wet sand and plaster out of the 4 fucking windows I cleaned! I felt like I was in the god damn twilight zone from hell!

Anyway, so I decide to clean the rest of that area from top to bottom... Which I do well... BUT wait... Apparently I wasn't supposed to wipe down & clean all the surfaces n shit until I've got rid of all the dust & dirt off the floor in the entire house coz that shit floats around... Meaning that I'm more than likely gunna have to redo the kitchen, which was pretty much the only bit of the house I was like... Yeah, that looks good... Don't slash your wrists in this room, Jen... This room looks ok!

I ended the day by cleaning the ensuit and the other crapper... Which some filthy cunt pissed in and didn't flush! Mmm stagnant urine! So after 7 of the longest fucking hours of my life and darkness approaching I look around... It looks like I've done sweet fuck all.

The pain sets in!!! The immediate head pain at the thought of Tetris'ing all the shit back into my boot. The physical pain of working my arse off. But mostly the horrific and traumatic pain of realising I have to come back to this shit stain of house AGAIN tomorrow!

I will need a huge can of redbull, a lot of drugs, some anti inflammatories (coz I'm literally walking around like I've shat myself) and the cleaning gods to stop arse fucking me. I'm not even half way done! I'm just going to have to go hard, get into stripper mode and work that pole like the rent was due yesterday...

But seriously I knew I was going to hate it but I'm just hoping I can grow to not absolutely fucking dispise the it. Maybe when everything doesnt go wrong, I have half a clue, my ADHD isn't making me be like... Broom... Squirrel!, I get my equipment (not my vag- that's fine) working properly and I can clean one house in a day... I'll feel a little less suicidal.

I can deal with hating something I'm doing for money, but I can't handle FUCKING hating something, I feel like I'm totally getting no where with, no matter what the money is like. All that I thought all day was: This is fucked, I'm failing and I'd rather be a stripper!

Then I was like... Melbourne... October... Spending money... Go scrub that shitter! Now to hobble around and get shit sorted for a fail-proof take 2!

Wish me luck! Ps I fucking hate windows... Don't ask the details or reasons... They're just cunts. Get on board or fuck off!

Love ya, guts!!!

Love, Jen xoxo