Saturday 30 April 2011

Hat's what I'm talking about!

So apparently there was some Royal Wedding on TV last night? I, myself did NOT watch it for the simple reason that I find the royals absolutely fucking disgusting. I wont go on about it but I will say this... Mothers, the world over are watching their babies STARVE TO DEATH and these cunts are spending MILLIONS of dollars on getting married! They are THE biggest bunch of delusional, pompous, disgusting morons alive and I really hope they rot in hell! 


All this hoo-har over William getting married! Why? What's his claim to fame? He was born into a family with a title... Big fucking deal! He's the son of a stupid, big eared, shit stain whose major ambition in life is to be Camilla Parker Bowles' tampon! Oh yes they ARE above reproach! How can I not want to bow down to that hypocritical bullshit!? Pfft!


The best way to demonstrate my point is with pictures... YES! That's right! It's hilariously horrible hat time!!!! 


No one of sound mind and a healthy view on reality would leave the house with this shit on their head! Out of touch? Deluded? Worth taking the piss out of? You bet!!!
Even the dude in Robin Hood hat is looking uncomfortable!
Since when is it ok to wear a hat on your forehead??? What's she hiding?
The dress... Bad choice! "Quick put a large blue cunt hat on my head!"
Again with the Smurf vagina! NO Smurf vagina! NO!!!!
Ahahahaha! Really!? C'mon!
Repeat Offenders!
No relevance! But, nice penis! Hahaha!

Until next time... Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Tuesday 26 April 2011

♥ Isabelle's beautiful singing ♥

Just a quicky... Here is my gorgeous 4 year old singing 2 songs! Enjoy!


Incy Wincy Spider  
Fishy Song

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxox

Monday 25 April 2011

... And then she shat on a turtle!!!

One of my favourite random things to say is.... "Then she shat on a turtle!" It's an all round winner when you're lost for words (or you haven't really been listening but you can tell that the other person expects a response.) It's also useful when everyone goes quiet at a gathering or if you're telling a story and not everyone is paying attention. Another good one (especially at a drive through) is... "And that was the second time I had anal!" The turtle line is from a scene between Austin powers and Nigel powers in Austin Powers- Gold Member... see below:
Austin: Listen, dad, if you are are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English. 
Nigel: All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.) 
Austin: Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? (Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)
Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?) 
Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.) 
Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)
Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! (The insane one?)
Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.) 
Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... (A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck) [complete gibberish] (????????)... 
Austin & Nigel: --tea kettle! 
Nigel: And then, and then-- 
Austin & Nigel: She shat on a turtle!
This got me started on an entire mission to find more of this pommy linguistic shit known as Cockney Rhyming Slang! There's literally tonnes of this crap online... and by crap I mean PURE GOLD!!! Some of it's just made up... Some you need to be a Pom to comprehend but some of it, I found quite funny and thought it could be very useful for taking the piss out of someone and they wouldn't know you just called them a fanny farting nut case shit fucker... Although I can't guarantee they wont think your bat shit crazy! So below I give you some examples of this random, funny, some-what useless, madness and how it works... It's way more complicated than normal English!

What is Cockney Rhyming Slang?
Rhyming Slang phrases are derived from taking an expression which rhymes with a word and then using that expression instead of the word. For example the word "look" rhymes with "butcher's hook". In many cases the rhyming word is omitted - so you won't find too many Londoner's having a "butcher's hook" but you might find a few having a "butcher's".

The rhyming word is not always omitted so Cockney expressions can vary in their construction, and it is simply a matter of convention which version is used.... So basically... Confusion!!!


All dayer (all day drinking session)....................................Leo Sayer
Appendix..............................................................................Jimi Hendrix
Arsehole...............................................................................Jam Roll
Baby............. ........................................................................Basin of Gravy
Bar........................................................................................Ringo Starr
Beaver..................................................................................Sigourney Weaver
Beef.......................................................................................Itchy Teeth
Beverage..............................................................................Edna Everage
Bitchy.....................................................................................Lionel Richie
Burger King...........................................................................Itchy Ring
Cappuccino..........................................................................Al Pacino
Charlie (cocaine)..................................................................Bob Marley
Child Molester.......................................................................Uncle Fester
Cop............................................................................
............Pork Chop
Cunt........................................................................................James Blunt
Diarrhoea..............................................................................Tia Maria
Drugs.....................................................................................Fur rugs
Fart.........................................................................................False Start
Floor.......................................................................................Rory Moore
Fucker...................................................................................Chicken Plucker
Gym......................................................................................
..Fat Boy Slim
Insane....................................................................................Saddam Hussein
Job..........................................................................................Dog's Knob
Keys.......................................................................................Mushy Peas
Lesbian..................................................................................West End Thespian
Lies.........................................................................................Pork Pies
Starvin'....................................................................................Lee Marvin
Money.....................................................................................Fluffy Bunny
Pile of shit..............................................................................Pirate ship
Piles (hemorrhoid'.................................................................Belinda Carlisle's
Out of order............................................................................Alan Border
Sick.........................................................................................Uncle Dick
Slash (urinate).......................................................................Johnny Cash
Stoned...................................................................................Al Caponed
Tosser...................................................................................Dental Flosser
Vagina....................................................................................Morris Minor


By all means, have fun confusing your friends but don't complain to me if they think your Saddam Hussein for saying something like:
I had to call in uncle dick to my new dogs knob coz I had a Leo Sayer and few too many fur rugs over the long weekend! Not to mention I got completely Al Capone'd, lost all my fluffy bunny when I left my wallet in Itchy Ring's, I Johnny Cashed all over my Rory Moore and now I can't find my god damn mushy peas!
I usually like to tell you my thought processes and how certain ideas pop into my head... In this case however it was just one of those random things that comes flying out of my mouth and after Todd and I had a giggle I decided it would be an interesting blog piece... I now present:

Condom flavours NO ONE would be interested in! Also some weird condom flavours that I'm sure someone WOULD be interested in!
BAD:
  • Spam, 
  • Pickles, 
  • Chives/ onion- What have you been eating? You're breath stinks!!!, 
  • Bong water, 
  • Timber- that's NOT really the kind of wood you're after, 
  • Balls- Kind of pointless if you're guna suck a dick and wanna taste balls just bob down and LICK THE BALLS!, 
  • Couch Pizza,
  • Parmesan cheese (or as we called it my family, Fanny cheese!), 
  • Brussel spouts, 
  • Urinal cakes- Although I've never tasted a urinal cakes... They may be delightful, but I doubt it, 
  • Mushroom soup- That's just weird, 
  • Armpit- Eesh! 
POSSIBLE WINNERS:
  • Tabasco Sauce- Some people like a hot a cock, 
  • BBQ ribs- The condoms would be ribbed... They're ribbed and they're RIBS! Get it!?
  • Coleslaw- Tasty coleslaw cock you got going on there, Steve!, "Thanks!"Although I'd be cautious of condoms that taste a little too good... It could lead to an outbreak of drunk, hungry bitches chowing down on your tasty man meat luncheon!!!  

Anyway until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Friday 22 April 2011

That Punkin is Sunkin!

I'm guna say it... I hate Apple Mac's... Mostly because everyone's nipples seem to spontaneously combust at the mention of the i-pad and then everyone else is like 'oooo flaming nips! Jump on that shit! JUMP ON IT!!!' I-pad to me sounds more like the new improved maxi pad that sends you a text or an email when it needs to be changed!? 


"Hi Maude... Yeah it's me... Your sanitary napkin... Look things are getting a bit... ummm... funky down here and I was just wondering if you could change me ASAP! Ok, yeah thanks! Bye!"


I have no desire to know what it is or what it does! Mostly because I'm happy in my own little bubble and like a crazy white supremacist... You'll never convince me otherwise! I'm open minded about most things! Let me bathe in my ignorance ok! Anyway! To top off these freak occurrences of over-heating norks there is some obnoxious pile of pus called 'face time'? All I know is that if Todd came home talking about 'face time' I'd be thinking bust out the Vagi-clean Mumma's guna be riding your face like a saddle! Yeeeah haaaaw! Hahaha! Vagiclean! Wrong Ewwww! Hahahaha! Where's Julie? She's off sick... She's got contagious vaginitis!?! 


Some days my kids are weird and other days I honestly wonder if I was on some serious psychotropic substances while pregnant with them!? They are just full blown little trippers! Logan (16 months) is just on another level... His thing at the moment is squeezing Todd's nipples, squealing then fingering his belly button... Todd's belly button not his own! Crazy little chunky butt.


Isabelle (4 years) is just as bat shit crazy and random as me. She runs out of her bedroom today and says 'Mummy mummy! I have something to tell you!' then she says, with a huge smile on her face 'that punkin is sunkin!' Aaahahaha! No fucking clue what the fuck it means but she was very pleased with herself! 


One last rant before I fuck off! Monobrows AKA unibrows!! As a beautician I have MAJOR issues with eyebrows anyway! They really do make or break a persons look and monobrows are just like a big shit stain on your forehead! It's as if they took the whole 'wipe from from to back' advice their Mum gave them WAY too far! They went from front to back, up their back, over their head and decided to stop just as they reached their nose! Now a monobrow on a dude... Fuck off... But a monobrow on woman... An otherwise attractive woman!? Oh my fucking god! Shut up! I want to rip the flesh off their faces and beat them to death with it!!! 


2 brilliant examples of this: 
A) Jennifer Connelly (Pics below) &
B) Erika Alien-attack!? Oops! Sorry... Erika Eleniak- Baywatch & Under Siege (Pics below)... 


These are people who have there ring holes buffed and dusted as a normally weekly thing! Who the fuck let these woman get in front of a camera with that shit on there head!? How did they not notice it when they looked in the the mirror?! What the fucking fuck is their glitch!? Jennifer Connolly has since lost the mono brow... Along with her tits... The other one though, last time i saw was old as shit, still had the tits and was still rocking her optic pubes like her life depended on it!!!!  


All I think of is if that's how they 'maintain' they're facial hair they must be sporting some full on, buck wild, welcome to the jungle, cracked out bush bitch, "I think i lost my dog in there", 14th century wet rug, mound of marvellous muffy madness down below!!! Meow!
She's also had a nose job...
Hairy baby prostitute

OMG!!! She is pretty! Them BAM...
... FACIAL SKID MARK!!!!









She may be stoned here?!?

Mono AND Mo!!! That's cruel!
Sorry, but NO!!! Am I delusional.com! Yes, yes you are!


... Until next time!


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo


Wednesday 20 April 2011

Good Old Mongrel Moot!

Call me superficial but there is absolutely nothing unenlightening about being dirt ass crack habit poor! *Disclaimer in case my Nan ever reads this: No, Nan I am not on crack! P.S Nan get off the bloody Internet! No good will come of you being online! NO GOOD!!! 


Anyway... Where was I? Oh yeah. Being a poor ass. Ok so yeah for the next 2 months until Toddy gets his 3 month pay rise and once we've recovered from the fiscal nightmare that has been the past 10 months shit's guna be painful. When I was single being poor shat me but it was more like a challenge! Plus it kept me thin! Now that's fucking optimism beyond delusion! Fucking ignorant youth how I miss thee! Now I'm too old and bitter for a challenge and as for staying thin... Well the chunky boat has well and truly sailed on that one! Now, being poor means thinking up scams so my chunky boy can have milk in his bottle and Huggies on his super cute chunky butt! But all this scamming got me thinking... Todd's FINALLY got the job of his dreams... So the money issue isn't that much of an issue... But how many people are actually doing what they want to do? Then I got to thinking... If I could do anything and be paid for it what would I do.... And it's then I realised... I'm already doing what I want to do... I've just gotta figure a way to get paid for it!?! 1st one is being a Mum... I'm good at it and the rewards take a huge dump on the chest of any other career opportunities I've come across. Obviously I'm not getting paid for this but this is a long term investment... Do a good job at Mumming it up and my kids may still talk to me when I get old! Aaaahahaha. Oh god! I'm going in a home! The other thing I love is blogging. But once again... Not getting paid for it... So feel free to start paying me - I take cash, money orders and empty promises! 


You know when someone just walks right into a joke... Like they just bend over right in front of you, lube up their butt with gullible and hand you the joke dildo!?! And even if it's your mother or your best friend you gotta say 'fuck it' and go with the funny! 


Merry FUCKING Christmas!
Mindy's number plate!
Well this situation happened with me & a pathetic little skid mark, we will call MINDY... We were friends... I was a better friend to her than she was to me, like NO fucking comparison! Anyway Todd set her up with his mate, "Claude"... I told him not too but he didn't listen. So Claude works away. Mindy goes on 1 date with him then he goes back to work for a month. Anyway this classy little fuck nugget is sending Claude full blown dildo show vid's within a week of having their FIRST and ONLY date... He comes back to Perth, fucks her in the arse a couple of times, gets bored with her and her
refusal to shower and drops her mongrel moot.


Aaahahaha sorry... MONGREL MOOT! 


Being rejected by every male in Perth doesn't sit well with cunt face and any time she gets an opportunity she has a dig at him. Anyway so months later I happen to mention that Claude got a dog... Her response to this was talking about how gross HE is and that he would be in to bestiality (beastiality) and it wouldn't surprise her if he was fucking the dog... My response to this was, 'Well, he DID fuck you!' Then I proceeded to try not to literally urinate myself as I laughed... HARD! I even did the little joke drum solo of 'ba-boom tshk!' If I didn't crack that joke it would still be shitting me! Point is, when a golden opportunity presents itself jump on it and thrust your hips till you've fucked dry... Or you will regret it! 'Well he DID fuck you!' Baaaahahaha! Classic burn! 


Talking about people and thing's in their arse's... How many of you have woken up with something strange in your butt? Now there's no long winded answers here... You either have or you haven't. Me, personally I got through a rather mis-spent youth without collecting anything obnoxious in my butt... I'm sure if I'd ever had a one night stand it would be a different story... I know if I had an opportunity to shove an object up a passed out random persons butt before disappearing into the night... I so fucking would! Not much point doing it to Todd... He would know it was me and that boy has what I refer to as 'prison cheeks' in other words he can clench his cheeks tighter than anyone I know! Myself included! 


^^^ My Dad's face! ^^^
Anyway... I'm getting off the subject! So a few years ago my dad told me this story that to this day still makes me laugh. Dad apparently woke up about 4 or 5am... It was still dark, but a little light. Anyway so all of a sudden dad realised he didn't feel quite right... Down stairs... There was 'something shishy' in his bat cave...The back door region to be precise... Now my father sleeps in the nude... That little nugget of info is something I could have, quite happily gone the rest of my life without knowing but anyway... He recalls thinking 'I know I'm getting old but surely I'm not of an age where I am shitting myself in my sleep?' Hahahaha. Sorry! I'm just imaging the look of shear terror and confusion on his face & it makes me giggle! So after laying there, for a few minutes wondering what the fuck to do & contemplating which nursing home he wouldn't mind moving to, he decided he had to find out what exactly was going on in valley of brown... So, now pace yourself, he reaches down into his crack to find out what the hell... There's something wet and squishy... He freezes... Too late now... He removes his hand from ass... He looks at it, in the little bit of light coming through the curtain, it looks like shit! It fucking feels like shit... He SNIFFS it... It smells like...


Dog food!?!?! Hahahaha. My dog, Arnold (who lives with Dad) buried his food in my Dad's arse while Dad was sleeping! Seriously! How my Dad didn't wake up is beyond me... Why my Dad still sleeps is the buff is even further beyond me! I think he's quite happy to be the dog's bitch as long as he has control over his own bowels! I don't know how, Arnold felt about his nice warm breakfast getting washed down the drain but I think it's best my dog stays away from all forms of crack!!! I don't know anyone who would be HAPPY about having Chum in their butt, but if you'd thought you crapped yourself I spose Chum is the lesser of two evils?!?
Until next time... If you own a dog... Sleep with your pants on!


Love your guts! 

Love, Jen xoxo 

Friday 15 April 2011

Vladamir Coktossin!!!

So I'm watching weight lifting on TV... Well that's a lie... Todd was watching the shit... I was merely a victim of circumstance... Circumstance being it was Todd's birthday & I wasn't about to engage in a 'it's my birthday, I should be able to watch whatever I want' anus twitching guilt trip! It wasn't all tears and suicide threats though... During my glimpse of said weight lifting I came up with several pieces of advice for these, lifters of weights! Weight Lifters, as they are also known!!! 


1stly... Guys! Adjust your cock/ nuts PRIOR to chalking up your hands! Seriously! They ALL had chalky knobs and nuts! Hahaha knobs & nuts! ALL of them! You never see them out on stage tugging their scrote or checking their foreskin to make sure it hasn't engulfed a nut or something so they must run backstage and be like 'YES! I fucking showed that hard, long rigid bar & those filthy slag weights who's tha man' and then engage in a rampant cock grope and a frenzied ritualistic celebratory jig! 


It's not surprising that all these blokes are a bit cock mad... I mean considering the names of the lifts they perform it's no wonder it's a blatant cock romp! Firstly the clean and jerk... $50 says half these guys got involved in weight lifting when the heard they got to perform a 'clean & jerk' on stage... Only to be disappointed when finding out later on that some sadistic cock teasing moron thought it was a good name to describe something mind blowingly painful and completely unrelated to any cleaning and jerking most young blokes are accustomed too! 'Yeah that'll suck the little fuckers in!'


If that doesn't work there's always the ever so suggestively named 'snatch'... Now for my overseas readers (and I know you're out there... Leave a comment! Don't be a stranger!) snatch is Aussie/ Jenna terminology for... Vagina... Moot... Minge... Muff... Beaver... Bearded clam... Axe wound... Map of Tassie (refer to the picture on the left if you're lost on this one)... Cunt... Pussy... Poon... Flesh wallet... Ewww ok enough of that... You get my drift... And if you don't I don't think you should be reading this! Ok so yeah snatch!? I'm sure with all the languages around the world the Weight Lifting Association or whatever the call themselves could have come up with something that doesn't lead the non weight lifting enthusiast to believe they are going to be seeing something wet and wonderful! It's just setting your potential audience up to be disappointed! It may just be me and my warped mind (it usually is) but when I hear the words "World Champion Jerk's & Snatch's (or Jerker's and Snatcher's??)" the last thing to enter my mind is 'several rotund unattractive Europeans wearing Lycra, lifting large inanimate objects for a pre-determined period of time whilst sporting chalked up cocks!' 

Now if they really wanted to add a whole new dynamic to the sport there's really only one direction to go... Naked weight lifting! Yep... NEKID!!! With maximum extreme zoom-age right up in their poop shoots... Get some extreme Spike Lee angles happening... Zoom right in on their grundles as they struggle to hold that weight there for a new world record... You'd be able to literally see some hemorrhoids form before your eyes! Not to mention how many new advertisers the sport could get... Haemorrhoid cream for one... Bang! Done! Signed! Penis enlargement creams could also get into the act!

Imagine it!

"Tonight going for a new personal best of 185kg is the young Russian, Vladamir Coktossin! Even if this amazing young man doesn't lift his goal weight... As you can see by having a quick glance between his legs... He won't be going home disappointed!"

"That's right Sven! As most people probably know Vladamir is the spokes cock for Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000! Now you don't need to be a Med student to see that before Vladamir started his treatment coarse he was a shameful 3 inches... After just a 6 month coarse Vladamir is now rocking a member any man would be proud of! He has increased his girth 400% and his length by an amazing 700% which means thanks to Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000, Vladamir is now sporting a very attractive 13 pound cock! And now back to the weight lifting!"


See! It could totally work! And you know the Europeans would dig it coz they love doing everything naked! I really should be in advertising! Hell after reading that shit, I'm about to call now my credit card details and order my supply of  Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000 and I don't even have a cock (anymore.... Hahahah Joking!!!) Plus if I'm one of the first 50,000 callers I'll get a free Snuggy! Fuck yes! Massive man meat and an embarrassing tent/blanket to keep it warm! My life is complete!!! 
Top Line L-R: Shitting, Fucking, Shitting, Weight Lifting!
Bottom Line L-R: Weight Lifting , Ejaculating, Sneezing, Shitting!


Ok so that's enough about naked weight lifting and 13 pound cocks... All this from not really watching weight lifting! Makes you think, doesn't it? No, not really? Ok well fuck ya then! Difficult Mother Fuckers! Hahahaha! 

Anyway!!! Until next time and as always!


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Saturday 9 April 2011

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!?!

So it can pretty much be agreed that most people have come to the conclusion that their parents are weird... If you don't think your folks are a bit fucking odd I can guarantee that they think you are! But have you just generalised your parents eccentricities and dismissed them by thinking to yourself "as soon as you've of age I'm sticking your geriatric ass in a home!" or do you actually have set examples of exactly why they, and in turn you are really quite fucked in the head!?! I have examples!!! If you've read my other blog entries you know some of what I'm talking about and if you haven't read them... Fuck off and start from the beginning! You don't start the alphabet at F and go from there do you? NO!

Firstly I love my Dad and while I maintain that he is a moron, he is my moron and I wouldn't change him for anything... After all, good and bad I am who I am because of him. Some of my stories are things he's relayed back to me and others are things I remember because of the trauma and psychological damage it caused! Hahaha! But, seriously! I didn't become this weird all on my own! 


For example: When I was little my dad would drop his guts and when I complained about the smell and accuse him of farting he, somehow managed to convince me it wasn't him that farted it was me... And I went along with it!?! Although I looked confused apparently! Who does that? Who even thinks of that? MY DAD!!! If he was reading this he would be pissing himself laughing! He's amused easily and mostly by his own jokes!


Ok so blaming me for him farting isn't so bad... I guess? But he also had me convinced he was 'magic' up until at least the age of 5.... How did he do this? Well other than getting me to close my eyes and twirl around so he could leave little presents at my feet, he was a big fan of ensuring my belief and devotion to his "magic" by using his windscreen wipers... The cheeky shit would set the wipers, without me seeing, to the interval setting and then count to himself and waved his hand in a slightly gay fashion just as they wiped the windscreen and I was like Oh my frickin' god he IS magic!


Magic aside he was also quite pro-active in his plots to be entertained by poor little Jen! Hahaha. Like the time it was Halloween and he dared me to answer the door responding to "trick or treat" with "tit or bum"... Hahahaha. I did it! I literally threw the door open to this kid and before he could say trick or tr... I yelled "TIT OR BUM!", slammed the door and ran and hid under my bed! I'm pretty sure my dad peed a little from laughing so hard! I was mortified... Even more so the next Monday at school when I realised that trick or treater was a year 7 boy who now looked at me like I absolutely fucking bat shit crazy! OMFG shame! Hahahah! Wanker!


Then there were things like the time we found potatoes randomly growing in the back yard... Which he still claims he has nothing to do with... Even when I recalled that it was really odd that the potatoes were STILL in a plastic bag with the top tied up... He wouldn't admit to putting the spuds there! But I know his stupid smile and I did have fun digging for spuds! So I suppose it's ok!?! Although not as much fun as I had when we went clubbing Bali together...


We were there with my step mother who like usual was making a play for the "biggest cunt of the decade" award. She cracked the shits coz she couldn't understand why my dad and myself who was 5 at the time didn't wanna be dragged around in the disgusting heat for the 9th day in a row to go shopping for cheap Balinese shit! Plus she wanted to ditch me with a Balinese nanny and go out on the piss with my dad... But as she would learn, the hard way, Dad and I were best mates and if anyone was getting ditched... It sure as fuck wasn't guna be me! Anyway so fuck face cracked the shits and fucked off so dad and I hit the town! Yeah I was 5 but so what? We went to the club known as 'Peanuts' and because of my dads size the Balinese doormen let us in... It was dead but the doormen kept buying dad drinks and I remember dancing my little butt off to Madonna on the dance floor! Best night for a 5 year old EVER!!! When we got back to the room Melinda was back and waiting... She asked where we had been and I declared "Dad and I have been out raging!!!" Hahahahaha she wasn't happy... But she was never fucking happy so I think it best she have an actual reason for a change!


When my Dad wasn't tricking me or having fun hanging out with me he also like imparting bogus information onto me... like the time i was half walk through my lunch, which I was really enjoying by the way, when he decides to tell me to be careful I don't drink too much Lucozade... when I asked him why he replied "it'll put hair on your chest!" I looked down my top in fear to check... Nothing there... better not risk it though, I thought to myself and I have quite literally NEVER touched Lucozade since that day! 



He still likes to take the piss out of me because I fell for his stupid jokes... I always end up yelling at him "I was 5! Moron" to which he giggles like a little bitch and he has a grin of satisfaction plastered across his big dumb head! 

Despite all this and because of all this... I love my Dad! =)



Onto a completely unrelated issue I just wanna say... Dear Dude on the American Idol ad! When you have huge günta ears that make you look like you have 2 satellite dishes on the side of your head DO NOT try and rock out a faux-hawk!!! It makes your ears stand out like large furry dog balls! It's like wearing a glittery spandex thong to try & hide an enormous boner... Doesn't work!!! That is all!


Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo



WARNING DRINKING THIS ↑↑↑↑


CAN CAUSE THIS ↑↑↑↑


Tuesday 5 April 2011

Unique Eunuch's!?!

Reality TV! Fucking over it! O.V.E.R! It! I don't watch much tele but when I do I watch it to ESCAPE reality not to see so-called 'real people' showing off their amazing impersonations of cock stains and mingers! If I wanna see that shit I'll go to the shops and watch the locals walking around offering to 'rim ya for a dollar'! You can't beat that genuine look of defeat written on their faces! I like my irritating mother fuckers genuine and natural!!! Now here's a 5! Dance bitch! Dance dance!!!


The ideas are getting really bad! I'm just waiting for some reality show about butt hole doctors to come out. Or maybe butt hole dancers! Coz there's not enough dancing shows on at the moment! Got to dance, have to dance, need to dance, no pants dance, dancing with the stars, dancing on cars, dance like your broke and the rent is due tomorrow etc etc!
Which arse doc can examine their partners sphincter while performing an original dance routine!? Find out on the brand new series! Butt Hole Ho-down! 


How is he still single?
So I just happened to see an interview with Mike Tyson... OMFG! Hahahha! What were they interviewing him about? His love for... Wait for it... Pigeons! Baaahahaha. Dumb mother fucker! Apparently he's always loved pigeons and he says that the pigeons 'brought him back from the brink' aaaahahaha dear god! So there you have it! Thinking life is a bit too much and you cant take it any more? Don't slash your wrists or o.d on pills... Get some pigeons! Oh and Mike looked super fly wearing a bike chain as a necklace! Hahaha! Definitely a case of one too many hits in the head!
Bi-winning!


So apparently one of the biggest insults in Indian is to be flashed by someone... Hahaha. The most offensive of all 'flashings'? Getting flashed by a ... WAIT FOR IT... Eunuch... As in dudes without knobs or balls or however it works. Who also happen to wear women's saris? I don't know if I was consider it an insult as such! Terrifying... Absolutely! Weird... You bet ya! Insulting... Not so much! Unless the Indians know something I don't! Like maybe you can catch "EUNUCH" by seeing one semi nude? Dunno!?! My point is... If you are a Ken doll crotch and happen to be rocking the shit out of a sari in the middle of Bombay... Don't go flashing anyone... Unless they really shit you off and you don't know how to say 'fuck up' in the local language! "Look at my cock... Oops don't have one!" Hahaha! Indian's!


I think I need to fake tan! It's weird... If I'm fat and pasty I strangely have no desire to exercise but if I'm tanned which gives the illusion of being not so wobbly I'm more inclined to work my ass!?! So buns a bronzing i a go go! Oh and the rest of me too! Can't just have a brown ass... Too many questions! Cant be getting myself into THAT kind of trouble again... Hahahaha. Just nod and smile and act like you know what I'm talking about! Check the douche in the pic to the right! He looks like he had a brawl at the Vegemite factory... And lost!!! Holy shit! Hahahaha! Why would he leave the house looking like this?




Until next time... As always... 


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo

Saturday 2 April 2011

Bang Bang... My baby shot me down!

I rang my Dad this morning no answer... I leave a message. He rings me back and I'd just woken up from a lovely nap and Todd hands me the phone and I yawned and was like "sorry Dad, just woke up" he's like that's ok "we (him and my brother) didn't get to bed till like 4am" or some shit... Of course this statement was followed by me asking "why?"... Which was quickly answered with "we were at the cop shop". Now, at this stage my interest hasn't really peaked coz, well quite frankly it's my Dad! He's not a common criminal or anything! There's absolutely NOTHING common about his crimes at all! Hahaha I joke I joke! My Dad isn't a saint, but he's not stupid when it comes to his 'extra-curricular activities' like most people... So if he's at the cop shop I know it's something someone else has done not something he has done... 


Anyway so he just ever so casually starts telling me this fucking buck wild, fly by the seat of your pants, outlandish story which, if it had been anyone else telling it I would have laughed it off as utter bullshit... But I've know my dad... Well, all my life really so I know when the man is talking shit.... As often as it may be this was NOT one of those times! 


Now you'll have to excuse my retelling of the story... I've left out boring details, mostly because I got so carried away listening to his manic recount of the nights events that only the extra juicy shit stuck in my mind! I don't give a fuck what you did on your Friday night... It's guna be hard fucking pressed to top this shit!!! POW!


So my Dad and my brother are at Caltex (Starmart) in Malaga. This well dressed aboriginal dude driving a Subaru WRX was parked while my dad filled his car up with fuel. Apparently this dude... We shall call him "Fiddy", so apparently Fiddy is giving my brother the hairy eyeball something cruel. My brother is at least 6ft 1" and solid... Fiddy... was not. So this guy is glaring at my brother and mouthing off to him trying to get my him to look... My brother knows he can fight... He doesn't need to prove himself... So this dude, Fiddy starts lifting up his shirt as Tyson (my brother) goes inside to pay for the fuel. My Dad is like WTF is this cunt's problem and why is he showing my son his man titties?! Anyway it turns out this mother fucker had a god dam fucking GUN down his pants, hence the ceremonial lifting of the shirt!!!! 


Not a Dyson! A Tyson!!!
He pulls out his piece... I FUCKING SHIT YOU NOT!!! He turns it on the side all fucking gangsta/ Samuel L. Jackson styles and walks over to my brother, as he's about to get in the car telling him he was guna kill him!? You know, that old chestnut! So my brother being a 'Parker' and completely fucking unhinged (seriously! We have NO sense of fear... it's almost a disability!) was like "Come on cunt! Fucking do it you mother fucker!" Then my Dad's like "you better kill me you mother fucker coz when I get hold of you I'm guna arse fuck you with your own gun!!!" Hahahaha! I don't know if that's exactly what dad said but it was something to that effect!


Gangsta Foetus!
So Fiddy has the hammer pulled back! He's a couple of feet from Tyson... If that, and they are right in each others faces. So this dude, Fiddy... Decides to pistol whip my brother! Yeah! POW!!! Fucking clocked him right in the fucking head! So Tyson goes jab, jab, hook and smacks Fiddy right in the fucking head! BAM! Fiddy stumbles back... Gets his balance and proceeds to piss bolts down the road! My dad and my brother take chase!? (Of course they do!!!) All the while Fiddy's woman is standing by the WRX screaming "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant!" My brother screams "CONGRATULATIONS" and him and dad chased this guy from the Caltex up Alexander Drive to Illawara Crescent. Hahahaha. Now I'm guessing the gun either wasn't loaded or was a replica because if you've got two meat heads like my dad and my brother after you, you'd fire a few shots in the air at least try to scare them off. Well I would!


Anyway tired of chasing this dude (although Tyson did briefly catch him mid-sprint and smacked him in the back of the head) my Dad and my brother walked back to Caltex, Tyson took a picture of Fiddy's car and his number plate and they went to the cops. So now Fiddy and his WRX have an APB or whatever it's called out on his car. He's to be arrested on site. And he better pray the cops find him first rather than my Dad running into him again! If you hear a story on the news that goes something like "Man anally raped with own pistol in Mirrabooka area" then you'll know that's my dad and he found Fiddy before the cops did! Hahahaha!


Tyson has a big arse egg on his melon apparently! So yeah, in comparison with that epic saga of biblical proportions, my Friday night was pretty fucking dull!!! How bout yours? 


Until next time... Or until Fiddy is found...


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen! xoxo


Hahaha!!!

Mop that shit! Mop it real good!!!

Firstly I've got to say... Peters 'Rolo' ice cream a big fuck yes to that shit! Oh...My...Fucking...Gawd!!! It is AMARZING! Not amazing! Amarzing! Chocolate and caramel ice cream, caramel sauce and a billion little chocolate buttons all smooshed together equals heaven in a tub! Just thinking about it makes the elastic in my knockers melt!!!

 
Today's lesson: Whilst pissed off and attempting to make a bold statement by jumping from a slow moving vehicle I just happened to totally forgot that I'm completely unco and smashed the car door into a wooden pier (yeah that went down really well with Todd... Hahahaha fucking NOT!!!) thus causing said door to bounce off the pier and crush my foot between the door and the car! Next time I'll just pepper spray the mother fucker! Note to self: buy pepper spray! Ha!



Todd had to buy me a new mop from Bunnings... The old one got set on fire! Aaahahaha yeah really... Don't ask! Anyway I just broke the new one in... Noisiest mop EVER! I don't even recall my previous mops making a noise... Except for me screaming 'holy shit the fucking mop is on FIIIIRE!!!' with the last one but besides that... No! No mop noise! The last thing I need is an excuse not to mop! Fucking stupid piece of shit! Everything's working against me! Don't they test these things before they sell them? If I wanted a noisy mop I'd buy an industrial size sponge and duct tape it Logan and let him go nuts coz god knows, if there's dirt on my floor that chunky butt will find it! Dirt, food, noise! That's his niche!


Now I want to get a little deep with you... Ooo that sounds a tad naughty! Meeeeow! Yeah well moving right along then! I want to talk about long time life goals! Do you have any? Are they the same or do they regularly change? Do I care? Probably not hahaha! Well as for me... Mine haven't changed. There's a few things I wanna do before I leave this little blue planet... 


1. I want to smack someone across the face with a wet fish! HARD! That's been on my list for a good decade now. Dunno how it came about but it's something that needs to happen! 
2. I want to get a new passport and fill the fucker! I want my passport to be the filthy slag of the international customs world! POW!!!
3. I want to do enough drugs to kill me! Hahahaha. Maybe this should be last on my list... Just in case they do actually kill me!
4. I want to see my babies have babies of their own... Nawww! Coz they would be super cute and I would be a hot nanna! 
5. I want to get botox and plastic surgery... Lots of it! I want to be the best looking corpse since Joan Rivers... Oh she's not dead? Sorry Joan! Hahaha. But yeah you know what I mean! 
So there they are. My life goals. All achievable. None of them really sensible. All of them very Jenna!


Back to the bastard mop! I took a break ^^^ there before completing my mopping adventures! Well I finished the front half of the house... I mopped the floors AND... Wait for it.... WAIT for it... The walls! Aaaahahahaha! The MADNESS has set in! Mwaaaahahaha! *awkward silence.....*


Ok so there is method to my madness! I wasn't naked cover in syrup with a chicken hanging out my butt cackling madly looking for surfaces to mop or anything like that! I was mopping my floors and the skirting boards were dusty! So I mopped them... Which then revealed the actual colour of my paint... I swear to god my kids must get naked and roll themselves in chocolate sauce and hurl themselves at my walls when I'm not looking! Anyway so once I saw that my paint wasn't actually a dirty beige colour I just kept on truckin... So-to-speak! Anyway my walls are lovely and clean now... At least until tomorrow anyway! 


Well I think I've broken a new record for talking about mopping for an extended period of time! No I'm not high! But I do win a prize! My prize!? A choc milk, a facial and then off to bed!
 
Until next time my little fuckers!!!! Mop yaselfs happy?! Hahaha.


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo