Boners!? Bargain!

Ok, so if you are a friend on either my personal Facebook page or my blogs Facebook page  you may have seen my status the other night about my accidental purchase of boner medication! What? Yeah... Let me explain! Ok, so I was on Ebay and looking for penis pills or sex drugs or some such shit... The idea was to, hopefully find funny shit to blog about! Mission accomplished! Anyway I found these pills called 'Hard Ten Days' that's not a typo that's what they're called! So I was reading what these pills claimed to do and the listing said to Google 'Hard Ten Days reviews' so I did... So I'm reading these reviews. Most of them are broken English or pretty ordinary. Until I found this one review that said 

"If your wife complained you are not enough strong, I recommend you can try this product, I have tried, and my wife treat me better than before." 

I found that, "my wife treat me better than before" part hilarious! So I was like "Todd! Listen to this!" Anyway, so I'm yelling out what I was doing and what this random dude said, whilst at the same time changing pages and going back to the Ebay listing! My intention was to add the pills to my watch list so I could get the details later for my blog... But what I actually did was press Buy now > Commit to buy > Confirm! Just as I pressed confirm (and I was still talking to Todd at this point) I'm all like "Blah blah blah ahahaha... Penis... Erection... Etc.." Confirm!? Confirm what?! Fuck! Shit! No confirm! No confirm! No no no! FAARK! Long story short... I purchased like 20 boner pills! 


For those of you doubting my story... That's fine. The fact is, if I bought them for a laugh I'd just be like yeah! Get a stiff one up ya! Hahaha 20 penis pills! Good weekend ahead for me! Me purchasing the pills isn't than riveting but I thought my epic failure to multi task resulting in the accidental purchase of 20 boner enhancing pills was an amusing fuck up on my part! Plus it was all for my blog, so really... If you're reading this it's partly your fault! Shoosh! Go with it ok!? 

Just for the record, Toddy does not require any boner enhancing medications but I paid for the shit so he'll be using them!

Now that you know the back story, I can tell you that these pills arrived in the mail today... Luckily for you, the amusement doesn't end with my over zealous clicking frenzy!

As you may have guessed with a name like 'Hard Ten Days' the product is obviously Asian... It's attempt to look like a legit Western/ English product amused the shit out of me! Any chance they had of fooling me into thinking this product was endorsed by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration- AMERICAN) or whatever government body monitors this kind of shit ended as soon as I looked over the box and began reading the instructions!


The bottom of the box says: BIGGER, LONGER, MORE TIME, MORE SPERMS! 
I shit you, not! That's what it fucking says! 

Ok so that's the box... Just in case you can't see it in all of it's fantastic detail... This product is apparently endorsed by the "World Sex Association" (which Google has never heard of) and at the top of the box above the title it says: A GRAIN OF SOON THE EFFECT REVELS ALL NIGHT! Whatever the fuck that means!?
Oh and the eagle in the top left corner is surrounded by the words: GOLD SOURCE LIVING CREATURE... Yeah that's super fucking helpful? Come pet my majestic creature!

The instructions contain some still shots from some porn movies... Just in case you purchased the pills and didn't know what the end result was suppose to be?!? Anyway the cheap stolen porn is seriously the least of my fucking problems! Listen to these INSTRUCTIONS! I'm quoting word for word so don't think I'm drunk or anything ok! The instructions are in bold... My comments are just in regular font ok... Cappish?

The heart attack, high blood pressure all can take the wine takes and doesn't influence result behind have good curative effect to the prostate! So fucking yeah! Clear up any issues? Yeah? Nar me either! NO fucking clue! But wait there's more! As if we weren't fucking lost enough!

What's in it? Lets find out! This product is specially made of many kinds of valuable animals and plants such as blah, blah blah, seahorse membrain... deer antler!? Seahorse what? Deer antler? Like, Santa's reindeer? Does Santa know about this? I highly fucking doubt it! Anyway I've got more pressing questions, like what do these ingredients do? Funny you should ask! I have that information right here! It would make you like a strong man the significant effects on physical or mental prospermia (premature ejaculation), impotence (sad floppy penis), spermatorrhea (involuntary escape of semen, without orgasm... Escape! HELP! HELP! THE SEMEN HAS ESCAPED! SOMETHING SOMETHING GODZILLA?), sexual debility (weak or feeble penis) and any symptoms of kidney weakness (WTF? Why are we talking about kidneys all of a sudden!?)... Great effects on sex let down (If only I had these years ago! Fucking sex let downs like a mother fucker!), shortness of penis (Hahahaha I prefer the term stump cock!) and penis atrophy of the old... (A wasting or extinct species! Why are they extinct? Coz you can't get your dick up! Think about that next time you can't get wood! Mother fucker!" I really should get a job in sales!

It then goes on about sperm and urination... and on... and on... and on... Then it says: taking after drinking wont affect the effect! Multi sex is possible with multi erections! Multi sex? Multi erections? Multi penis? Fuck hey! I should also mention that the penis would be wider, bigger, higher, rigidity. Penis may increase without rebound! What the fuck is penis rebound? Anyone? No? Also, I know I hate it when I drink then the effects of the affect are effected!? It really fucks me off!? I think? Finally, you may wonder what to do if shit gets fucked up... (Excuse the pun)! With clear instructions like these you'd have to be brain dead to fail but anyway should you have any problems such as: multi erection or non ejaculation during sex... Drink cold water for therapy! Simple! No? Fuck knows! But after reading that MY dick is hard! 

Yeah so fucking BOOM erection! It doesn't say anything about how to treat the EPIC FUCKING MIGRAINE you get from reading the instructions though!

Now if you're female or at least 90% sure you're female, like me you may be going well that's fucking great for him with his 10 days boner-rama but how the fuck does that help me and my spastic vagina? WONDER NO FUCKING MORE!!! What's it called? YING DA WANG... I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU!!! LOOK IT UP!!! There's a picture below! See? What does it do!? Tell me tell me! Yeah yeah fucking hold the fuck ON!

Uses: Useful to increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....

Hahahahaha! Do I even need to say anything? Of course I do! I am not at all comfortable with the thought of any ones vagina sucking and shrinking! Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?! If I ever harbored secret lesbian desires, that just totally fucking killed that idea! Thanks YING DA WANG! Also you can call me sexless and you can say my vagina is as dry as a sandbox if you want but I wont have ANYBODY telling me my vagina is dull! You're dull, mother fucker! YOU'RE DULL!!!

So on that note... That's all from me and my NOT AT ALL dull vagina!

Until next time... Here's wishing you all a 10 day erection!

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and here's one last disturbing image ...

Do I choose Viagra or "STREE OVERLORD"? I'd go with the Viagra... Unless you wanna turn into a muscle bound evil lizard man! But that could just be me and my dull vagina talking! :)

Oh and I think that big hard brown this is her knee... Which doesn't work... But whatever! 

THE END!

Can of Coke for your Cooch?!?

Now I am not a bra burner... with jugs like these, bra's aren't cheap and I'm not about to start burning them to make a point... Regardless of what THAT point is... That being said I recently found some old print ads that were so fucking misogynistic and backwards I must admit I can really understand why chicks felt the need to start setting shit on fire... Still I would have opted for setting some jock straps alight rather than my own bra... (It's at your own discretion as to whether or not you want to remove the man before setting their junk on fire!) To me, if you have nice jugs and you rip your bra off to burn the fucker... Who really wins!?! I'm not a guy, obviously, but seeing a bunch of angry females, titties flying would leave me thinking... Yeah you showed us!!! NOT! It's kind of the equivalent of men protesting with knobs out... Sorry but I tend to miss the point when cocks are swinging! That being said I am woman here me roar etc etc and once you view these ads, I'll think you ask yourself... Was bra burning the best approach... (Not necessarily)... Was it effective at putting a stop to blatant ignorance? (Somewhat)... Do these ads make you want to heave a block of concrete at the fucking morons who thought this shit up!?! (Ab-so-fucking-lutely!!!)

Ok, so basically if your husband doesn't want to fuck you... It's your own god damn fault coz chances are you have a smelly cooch!!! Do not fret, all is not lost! You can douche your vag with Lysol! Ignore the fact that it is like 40% Ethanol (pure alcohol)! Just don't light a match or you'll blow that cunt up! I mean your cunt up! The ad then goes on to say Lysol will clean your mangy moot better than soap, SALT OR SODA!!! Soda??? WHAT THE FUCK!?!
"Honey, bring me home a can of Coke, I need to douche my feral flange! That way you will love me again!" But the best bit? You can now clean your feminine mound without any greasy after effects! Well, that's a relief!!!

The next 2 ads are for condoms! The first one is so lame it's like 'yeah whatever' but the one under it is just fucking annoying. It basically implies that it's ok to fuck random bitches but those random bitch are all filthy sluts who carry sexually transmitted diseases, so use a condom! Like men can't spread VD!?! Seriously!? I find it terrifying that anyone actually printed these ads and that people really believed this shit!

These next lot of old print ads aren't of the woman bashing variety... There either just offensive to everyone or so fucking weird it makes you think... "WOW THAT'S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD!" Hahaha! Enjoy!?! 

Ummm... Yeah? Sedate old angry pricks and ward off the Nazis! All you need is Thorazine and Victory Bonds?!
Fuck! If I knew it was that easy!?! *CONFUSED FACE*

DO NOT ASK!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!! All I know is the pig looks fucking ripped off his gorge!  And what's with the blue chunks in the meat?! Anyone? No? Ok! Now the second one... Looking at this kids eyes I don't think he needs anymore barbiturates!!! EVER AGAIN!!!

I don't know what the fuck these kids are advertising but I don't want it!!! The kid of the left look like his Mother heated a can of spaghetti on an open fire and when it exploded the end result was this kids face! Looking at him makes the primary school insult of "freckle faced fart machine" spring to mind!!!

The kid on the right... WOW!!! See, if this was an advert for 'why not to take large amounts of experimental narcotics during pregnancy' then this picture would make sense... But I think it's an ad for feeding your child disgusting meth enriched meat so they can have that happy cracked out look all of the time! And don't get me started on the fringe or that evil fucking fruit bowl/ hat she has glued to her head!!!

But... What?

More terrifying crack head kids!!!

Well, it's true!?!

Ummm... Seeds and Sodomy, anyone?!?

Only his make-up man knows for sure!? Where is this make-up going? 

Heroin & Tape Worm diets! Hell YES!?!

So there you have it! NEVER complain about modern commercials EVER again! I have TONNES more of these and more random shit coming up in my next few posts... So stay tuned, Kiddies!

Until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo