Smile if you take it in the ass!

Whenever I start a new blog post it usually begins with a theme... Where it goes after that, well that's anyone's guess, but I always begin with semi normal intentions and a generalized theme! Whenever I have spare time and I'm online I like to look for blog material. If I come across something strange and/ or funny I save it. Here's a collection of random finds that don't really fit into any category other than they either made me laugh or freaked me right the fuck out!!! Ummm... Enjoy?

Something for the boys... Or old men with a Viagra prescription!!!! How to pee with a boner!

I'd love to actually know what's going on here... I hope she didn't drink too much...  She looks like a nasty fucking drunk ... And a biter!

Little Miss Muffet.
Sat on her tuffet.
Eating her curds & whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her and...
He was like "Fucking god damn bitch! I'm just guna leave you the fuck alone!"

Wow! That is all!

... And this is why you should never fuck your hairdressers husband! 

It's call UNDERwear for a reason... Yikes!

You too, BITCH! Seriously, what the fuck!?!

His butt crack looks like a tiny little vagina! $10 says it doesn't smell like vagina though!

Is he trying to prove he doesn't take it in the ass?

Well, that's one way to get your hubby to stop taking you from behind! Unfortunately she's married to the dude in the picture above...

Ummm... Yeah!?

Ok so there's the dude trying to smuggle a basket ball in his shorts or there's Bride of Frankenstein ... Or 'Happy', as her friends call her... You pick the weirdo!

The real 'Joe Dirt'!

THIS is what I'm talking when I refer to 'back titties'
Just think... If she gave you head while you were standing, her back fat is in the shape of a love heart! And people say romance is dead! Pffft! 

He's shopping for condoms! Fucking WHY?!?

It's the ancient battle of the melting gut versus the hungry vagina!!! The victim? Her shorts!

Anyone else wanna rub his titties? No? 

YO! Check it! Hahaha! WEIRD!

Hahahaha! GOLD!

Yeah, thanks DAD! Fuck head!

Nar... I think he CAN get them a little higher! His poor vagina! Yeesh!

You heard the man!

... That stupid mole of a dressmaker fucked up my dress!
It's off white! I specifically said EGG SHELL!!! Christ! 

That's the same thing I said to Todd when we first met... 

No idea what's going on here! I think someone's taking the piss... Although, I may not make any sense if I had someone park their car on my privates?

I'm so confused... And extremely aroused!!!

Japan! Great fucking county!

This is what I may have to resort to get some more donations to my blog!  

I fell in love with this picture. Hopefully it'll make up for all the trauma caused from viewing the above!

Remember kiddies... Donations are most appreciated and are a fantastic preventative for sudden penile combustion! Fucking BOOM! Hahahaha! 

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

What The Fucking Fuck!?!

So apparently I went to high school with the dude featured in the attached YouTube clip... I don't claim to have the best memory in the world plus I did go to 3 different high schools so sometimes people just lapse my memory. I usually only remember you if I loved you, hated you or thought you were really fucking weird and I'd thought about stabbing you! 


Anyway so yeah apparently I went to high school with this "Johnny" dude... And supposedly he was a fan of me... To the point of stalking? He was also rather... Ummm rotund with a glass shattering high pitched super squeaky voice... He added me on Facebook ages ago and I accepted his friend request... Because I'm just that nice! However, I quickly deleted him when he made some left of field feral ass reference to his cock...  Other people have also said he is very strange/ delusional... Yet for the life of me I have absolutely NO recollection of this person! How the fuck have I blocked out a chunky, delusional chipmunk stalker type?!?? HOW?


Then the amazing Miss Tarryn sent me this video of Johnny and it all became suddenly VERY clear... I have blocked out this dudes entire existence! A whole person... POOF gone! Erased! I dunno if it was a coping mechanism caused by severe trauma or if my fragile juvenile brain completely shut down due to the over stimuli of the "what the fucking fuck" area of the brain located in the frontal lobe!?! Either way... No memories AT ALL! 


Anyway... Watch the video and I can guarantee you a few things:
A) You will immediately feel better about being YOU; 
B) You'll NEVER fucking forget Johnny... Like EVER!;
C) The song featured in the clip is forever ruined;
and D) You may feel really embarrassed and/ or freaked out- it's ok! You're not alone! 

I hope you enjoyed it seems like a weird statement but yeah... 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Ps. Thanks to Tazza for sending me this hilariousness and remember, if you can spare it donations are very much appreciated so I can continue to bring you the very best blog I can!


Thanks guys! xoxoxox

OMG! You're like totally 5% less bald than before!

How could you not want one?

FIRSTLY! FROM NOW UNTIL OCTOBER 31ST IF YOU DONATE $5 OR MORE TO MY BLOG (JUST CLICK THE DONATE BUTTON ON THE RIGHT) YOU GO IN THE RUNNING TO WIN AN IPOD NANO (6TH GEN WITH TOUCH SCREEN, RADIO, PEDOMETER, 8GB RRP $179) NO CATCHES IT'S BRAND NEW IN THE BOX. NEVER USED OR OPENED. IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONATED YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE DRAW!!! GOOD LUCK & THANK YOU! PS each $5 gets you ONE entry. 2 entries for $10, 3 for $15 etc etc. I'm happy to send the IPOD overseas so everyone can donate and enter. It's AU$5! 

I was talking to Todd the other night and the subject of comb overs came up... Anyway... And I don't really know why, but comb overs make me really angry! It's just one of my many MANY oddities! So anyway... Comb overs... RAAARRRRR! I'm totally sympathetic to men losing their hairs (yes, I said HAIRS- coz when you're going bald you notice every single fucking follicle that decides to up and abandon your increasingly shiny little head!) and just because male pattern baldness has been accepted by society doesn't mean it's any easier on the poor dude whose losing his locks! HOWEVER...  Comb overs? Really, guys are you serious? You look absolutely fucking ridiculous and you aren't fooling anyone!!! No one has ever... EVER looked at a dude with a comb and thought 'Fuck me, that guy has really great fucking head of hair!' NO ONE! EVER!


 You obviously have a complex about having no hair. You may think people are judging you for being follicular-ly challenged or that they are appalled at your unabashed naked scalp openly parading in full view of small children but in reality no one cares! We've seen bald guys before... It's not shocking or memorable. That being said, if you really DO want to stand out and be judged and laughed at then the comb over is a great fucking move! You are guaranteed to draw attention to yourself in a way that just being bald will never do. Plus you can be sure you're rocking the shit out of that sexy paedophile chic, that all us women secretly desire! 


Now share the horror, the disgust, the seedy feelings and the humour of *BARM BARM BARRRM!* COMB OVERS UNLEASHED!!!

Dear Sir, In order to sport a 'successful' comb over, you must have enough hair to COMB the other hair OVER to... 

With a head like that, I hardly see why it matters, but with his money... WTF!?! Obviously he has that much money that no one will tell him he looks like a raging homo... Actually, no! No self respecting gay dude would EVER have that shit on their heads! He should change his name to Lester the Molester! Or maybe Donald Hump?

Why fucking bother? Wow you're like 5% less bald! It's like getting a full Brazilian wax but leaving a landing strip and letting it really bush up! It's just fucking weird!!! And it makes NO sense!

Now THAT's dedication!!! Yeah, dude coz no one's gunna notice that huge random part at the back of your head? FUCK HEAD!!! OMFG I would so scream at this guy if I saw him out in public! "Hey, fuck head! NICE FUCKING HAIR, FUCK HEAD!!! YEAH, YOU! YA FUCK HEAD!!!"

This is just like a half assed effort of the above! I respect the other dude more though coz at least he put a solid effort into looking completely out of touch with the modern free thinking world! EPIC FAIL!!!

Hahahahaha! His whole head is backwards. Or sideways? Or upside down? Fuck knows!!! Between his eyebrows and his hair I'm so so so lost! Hahahaha! Aaaannnnd! I'm back! Fucking freak!

So until next time my lovelies...


Please DONATE!


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

But why is there no Disco Puma?

So I was trawling the Internet looking for funny shit to entertain you lot with and I stumbled upon a picture of a Harry Potter DVD case... Not that interesting, right? WRONG!!! Fucking WRONG!!! The DVD is obviously a burnt copy from overseas because it's just fucked up! It's written in English but as you'll soon see it's got absolutely NOTHING to do with Harry Potter- Like, at fucking all!!! This random find then lead me down a weird and wonderful path of movie posters- with a foreign twist! Enjoy! I give you full permission to say 'WHAT THE FUCK' out loud and as often as necessary... And trust me when I say, it WILL be necessary!!!

Ok, so at first glance everything appears to be normal... At first, I was like... And why is this funny? Then I saw Billy Bob Thornton's name and I knew that something was terribly wrong... It reads as follows:

Directed by Billy Bob Thornton, two young men (Matt Damon and Henry Thomas) celebrate the recent ending of World War II by riding out of their native Texas into the wild west, meeting friends and fellow adventurers along the way. Once they reach Mexico, they become smitten with a young woman (Penelope Cruz) who is the daughter of a ranch owner. As foreboding clouds threaten their so-far sunny skies, the men throw themselves headlong into danger.
“The Wizard Of Oz”
F- it’s time A Complete triumph
Bonus features
Anamorphic Widescreen (Aspect Ratio 2:35:1)
Commentary by Director Harold Ramis
Commentary by Elizabeth Hurly and Trevor Albert
Making of Featurette, Costume Design Featurette, Still Gallery
English 5:1 suroung, english Dolby Surround, French Dolby Surround
Subtitles: English, Spanish
Warner bros. pictures presents a Cruise/Wagner-Vinyl Films production of a Chris Buck film Daniel Rancliffe “Harry” Emma Watston Rupert Grint Richard Harris and Samantha Morton music by Nancy Wilson music supervision Danny Bramson costumes designed by Betsy Hermann edited by Joe Hutshing ace production designer Catherine Hardwicke director of photography John Toll ASC executive producer Jonathan Sanger Danny Bramson Fernando Bovara Bill Block Patrick Wachsberger assistant producer Michael Doven produced by Tom Cruise Paula Wagner Cameron Crowe written for the screen and directed by Kevin Lim and Chris Buck.

Ok, so apparently there was a heap of shit I didn't know about Harry Potter! Like I had no idea that Billy Bob directed it as well as Harold Ramis, apparently! Or that it starred Matt Damon... (I think he plays Ron!?) Even more surprising was that it's set it in Texas! Weird huh!?! Not as weird as the random Wizard of Oz mention calling it a 'triumph', but then giving it an 'F'... Or maybe it's like 'Fuck it's time! A complete triumph!' Either way... They're WAY off!

The Polish movie poster for the movie 'Escape from Planet of the Apes'
Hahaha! Now, I've never seen the movie but for some reason, now I really want to! But I have to wonder... What are they trying to escape from? They look like they're having a great fucking time!

Weekend at Bernie's
On the left the movie poster/ cover I'm familiar with... On the right... The Polish version! Yeah! What the fuck is with these fucking Polish posters? It's just like 'Fuck seeing the movie! Don't show me pictures from the film and don't tell me a god damn thing about it! Just get me my LSD, my pen and some paper and I'll work the rest out on my own!"

Big
On the left... The regular poster. On the right the Czech Republic version. What the fuck is going on here? Why couldn't they just change the wording on the original poster? Why does the dude have paint on his face and heart shaped sun glasses? Why why why??? NOTHING about this poster says ANYTHING about the movie! 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
On the left... Makes sense. You know it's a Harry Potter movie. There's a dark looking forest and a sense of urgency. Cool. I still have no desire to see any of the Harry Pot-head movies but I get the drift... On the right is the US version!?! Is this scene even from Harry Potter? If it is I'm sure it's not the entire gist of the film. Anyone going to see this movie JUST based on the poster is guna be majorly fucked off! I'd be like 'Who the fuck are these gits with wands and when does Hemorrhoid (Hermione) become a prostitute?

Ice Age 3
On the left the normal poster. On the left... The South Korean version. What is with Korean's and their incessant need to slut everything up with gadgets and shit? Nowhere in this movie do they time warp to the future, pick up a custom made rocket suit, some blue sunnies and haul ass back in time for tea! What the fuck is going on? If I was a little kid and I saw this poster before going in to see the movie I'd be highly fucking pissed when I didn't see that little squirrel dude kicking some woolly mammoth ass with his newly acquired robocop like ensemble! HIGHLY PISSED!!!

The Never Ending Story
On the left... The version I'm familiar with.
On the Right... Oh my fucking god! It's those crazy fucking Polish bitches again! What is going on here!? Granted, I haven't seen this movie in a while but I'm almost definite that I'd remember a weird little gay dude wearing clown make-up, a Victorian neck collar and a gigantic obnoxious pink hat while happily riding on a Triceratops! But maybe I missed that bit? I'm pretty sure this movie is German... And Poland is right next to Germany... So what happened? Was there some massive communication error? Did the fax get smudged and the Polish design department decided to wing it? Or was this Poland's revenge for being invaded by Germany? I'm thinking all of the above!

Willow
On the left... An understandable choice.
On the right... The POLISH version (this is getting to be like a bad joke)! I never realised Willow was about an elderly Pinocchio making friends with either a leper or a deformed tree!?! But, hey! What do I know!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 
A VERY cool movie poster that gives some clue to the story line... Then there's the Japanese version...

I think the artist took his work home and let his 4 year old cut and paste some random shit together! CRAPPY JAPPY!!!

Star Wars
This is my absolute favourite side by side comparison!
On the left is the more conventional poster. On the right is the Russian version.
Quite obviously when the artist had Darth Vadar described to him all he heard was "Blar blar blar  SEXY DISCO PUMA!!!"
Again... Why not just change the poster on the left? Or at least reference to it! The Russians must have been like... So when's space cat coming into the movie? There is no space cat? But the poster? The poster lied? But why? Why would they tease me with empty promises of awesome humanoid disco puma's!?! WHY!? For the love of god WHHHHHY!?!
THAT kind of shit changes people. You lose a part of yourself! Ahahahaha! Yeah!?!

 Well kiddies, once again our time together has come to an end!


I hope you enjoyed wondering what the fuck as much as I did!!!


Until next time...


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

I need 500cc's of Liquid Ass STAT!!!

Donate! My pretties! Eeehehehehehe!!!

Yes! That cute little button on the right!!!

Recently, and I mean in the last 3 days I've had people come to me either seeking advice on how to fuck with someone (as in for revenge not for sex tips? - although I do get a lot of those sort of questions too) or I've been made of aware of certain facts that have lead me to ponder... How am I guna get this cunt! I'm not a bitter person. In fact, in my life I have forgiven people who, in all honesty didn't fucking deserve the words 'you're forgiven' let alone the act of me actually forgiving them... So when it turns out that they weren't really sorry and they've fucked me over... Yet again, an 
example has to be made of them as well a BOLD point of DON'T FUCK WITH ME, MOLE!!! The universe wants it that way... Trust me I spoke to the universe and me and ... It? Are all good! Don't judge me... I'm guna blame it on having no mother. Which reminds me! I owe that cunt a bit of 'what for' too! Hahaha. Joking. My beef isn't with her... It's with... Well, everyone else. Now usually I'm full of spiteful fucked up ideas but, lately I dunno if it's old age or maybe even (god forbid) maturity kicking in but I'm seriously fucking lacking my evil spark...

The first 2 morons... Shit where do I start... He's a fucking delusional cock eyed doofus and she's a butt slut who is a sponge that mooches off everyone around her until she's tapped out every excuse and resource then she moves onto her next victim (anymore detail than that and I will be here on a decade long rant!)... 

THESE are the kind of morons I'm dealing with!

I have personal issues with both of these fuck heads. Both posed as my friends and were, in reality, anything but. Now these 2 were together, then they separated (for years) and now they're back together. How does this effect me? Well it's hard to explain without going through years worth of bullshit & history painfully endured on my part. But these 2 dick heads really aren't worthy of any kind of happiness... Especially considering the HOURS of free therapy they both got out of me, pissing and moaning about each other! It's just so fucking irritating!

Now this is a real angel/ devil on my shoulders situation for me. Because I've got Ghetto Jenna just wanting to rip that fat little fucking moles fucked up pasty face right the off and destroy every ounce of her pathetic being, while of course dancing around her burning fat little ass and laughing 'you don't deserve to be happy ya feral cunt!' But then I've got angel Jenna (ok, that's a stretch... Maybe... Less evil Jenna?) just sitting there... Smoking a bong like 'hey dude, the universe has your back! You're a righteous mother fucker and you need not lift a finger!' In other words let them be... It wont last. If they had issues 4 years ago when they broke up I highly doubt after 4 years worth of history (including drugs, cock, anal sex with randoms {that's her... and maybe him?} her being committed to a psych ward- twice, both of them getting fired from numerous jobs, having to live with mummy and daddy not to mention criminal charges being laid in relation to drug manufacturing...) that shits guna work out better this time. I really just feel like this will end badly and as much as I'd love to be the reason for it or the driving force behind it... It'll happen with or without me...

Now the next fucker, I don't actually know him personally. But lets just say my girlfriend 'Meg' has an ex who is... Well, putting it nicely, Lord of the cunt fly's! And like a big blue ass fly he has little maggots we'll call minions... So I came up with a few random generic revenge ideas before once again hitting a brick wall (not due to lack of enthusiasm but more so due to lack of vital personal information on lord cunt fly that would nudge me in a more fruitful direction) so I decided, I'd turn to ye old faithful... Google! So I typed in revenge...


There's some sites I knew of like www.revengelady.com and www.revengeguy.com Although they're mostly for shits and giggles. These sites are like mild giggle therapy mixed with some lame 'I could do that!' kind of ideas! www.thepayback.com caught my eye with some revenge products for sale with catchy names like 'liquid ass' and 'r/c fart machine'... Which are hilarious but really only useful for high school pranks... We need a little more than 'did you do fluffy? You naughty boy!' in this situation... Then there's other shit like anonymous emails or letters these websites will send on your behalf... Which really, I could do myself. But these sites do have stories of revenge which can get your vengeful juices flowing... Which is maybe how they get this 'Liquid Ass' they're selling!? But the best and definitely most appropriate site I found was www.getrevengeonyourex.com 

Liquid Ass!!!

Stab him in the DICK!!!

The site was started by a dude whose wife cheated on him... So it's horrible, nasty, empathetic and most of all useful! They also boast that 'Everything we do for you is anonymous, untraceable and 100% legal.' which is nice?!? They offer such services as anonymous faxes, emails and texts saying... Whatever you like- these are timed so you can have an alibi, a web page dedicated to your ex, gifts- including gift wrapped dog 'shit', a 'used' condom, soiled undies and my personal favourite a small container of piss with a card attached saying 'no one here would piss on you if you were on fire so you might want to keep this handy!' They also have voodoo dolls if you're into the outlandish supernatural approach. You can become a member for free which gives you access to their revenge forum where you can exchange stories and get ideas from other members. My only suggestion is skip the middle man and the fake dog shit. Crap in a gift box yourself... It's called therapy... Spaghetti blog styles! 

The home leg of my journey was inspired by the whole voodoo doll idea from above. There are spells available on eBay. There's ones like 'win back your true love', 'win money', 'find love' etc etc but then there's some rippers like 'drive them insane' which has a picture of a mental patient?!?, 'break them up' couple splitting spells and 'revenge' spells... I was actually surprised when I first stumbled across these because I thought it was a bit whacked out and had the potential to attract nutters and just put unnecessary and unwarranted negative energy out into the universe (sorry, that's the hippy in me talking). However these 'witches' offer personalized spells, which I'm sure can entail some sort of nasty voodoo incantation for anal warts or permanent erectile dysfunction... If the situation calls for it! Awww sad penis!


I like the idea of spells and voodoo dolls because it gives you some personal satisfaction that you're sticking it to the other person and that you're not helpless... (which most times you are!) It's really therapeutic and the best revenge, really is moving on... In some cases however moving on can't be achieved until the little fucker causing you grief has suffered and is too terrified to continue their bullshit. In those cases I recommend sitting down and having a good think. What do you know about them? Knowledge is power and the more you know the easier it is to fuck someone over. Do they own a business? Call the tax man... Anonymously and repeatedly. Do they worry about what others think? Send out flyer's telling people 'beware of this shit stain!' Report their car stolen. Pour paint thinner on their car. You get my drift?!?




Until next time... Happy plotting!


Love ya guts, Love Jen xoxo