Jen's 50-ish Life Rules For Winners!

Bare with me, for a moment while I step out of the twilight zone...I'll get back to that in a minute. But first, it could be to do with the fact that I'm on like 6 different kinds of counter productive drugs, or it could be the fact that it's late at night and whilst, normally I have no fucking attention span, due to some freak occurrence that almost always happens after midnight and always when I am alone... For some reason, I become VERY easy to please in regards to what TV programs I will watch... Which is pretty much anything. I guess it's kind of like being stoned... Except not at all. Confused? Yeah, I'm totally fucking lost. Wow... And I'm back.... Ok, so I can sit there and watch something, I am NOT enjoying at fucking all, for long periods of time and usually with my mouth agape... Literally... I look like one of those 'real' sex dolls... Except my vagina isn't removable... Actually, that was an overly bold statement, considering I've never tried removing it. Hang on... Yeah, it's most definitely NOT removable...

Something like this... But less Asian!

Lost again! Where was I? Twilight zone. Drugs. Midnight. Drugs (again). TV. Stoned. NO. Lost. Found myself. Mouth open. Sex doll... Vagina! Ok, yes! So, I can sit and watch fucking SHIT... Intensely. Intensely? Either intensely or it's the most awake form of being asleep there is... Whatever! I fucking told you to bare with me! Twilight zone! Ok so, I was literally just in my lounge room before I started this and I had only walked in there to turn the TV down but not off as I like a little background noise as I search for free porn... Not really... 


I'm not that interesting. So I walk in, turn the TV down (well, technically the stereo) as planned... Then instead of walking back out, I sit down... What was this shit? I wondered. It's shit, why do you care? Walk away! Get up and walk the fuck away! You have shit to do and its late, just walk the fuck away! But no, I sit down... Now thankfully I only sat down to watch this 'shit' for like 5 minutes tops... But normally... Before midnight, 2 seconds and I'd be like "NO! Fuck off!" But, it was after midnight and I was enamoured with this crap-fest! I even pressed the 'info' button on the remote and found out it was 'The Pirates of Penzance'... In the 5 minutes that followed I learnt 3 things...

Yes, this shit!

                                                                                                                                                                
1) Apparently all pirates are raging homo-sexuals? I mean, I'm not surprised... All those men out at sea, no women, wooden legs left and right. All that wood! Mmm! Scurvy and wood! WOOD. Wood is good! Would you... Fucking aye... Wow and once again... Right outta left field... If I went any more left of field I'd end up... Right!? 


2) Angela Lansbury, shits the fuck out of me. It's her fucking head! God, it fucks me right the fuck off! This 2nd fact took me totally by surprise. I've never much thought about the woman before tonight but for the 30seconds she was in the 5 minutes worth of the movie, I watched I wanted her to feel pain and, I wanted to cause it! Wait... Is she dead? I just Googled it... No she's not dead. How is that possible? She must be like 180! What the fuck? Devils work that is! How is she not dead yet? Hmmm project! I'm kidding! I am not going to whack the 'Murder, She Wrote' lady! Maybe just some mild stalking and 1 or 2 well time kicks in the head... And

3) I want Kevin Kline's thigh high boots...Not specifically the ones he was wearing... I do not wish to share musty thigh odours with old Kev-bo! Plus I'm like 5" 1' so thigh high boots on him would end up being labia high boots on me... Friction.... Mmm... And it brings new meaning to the story of puss in boots, doesn't it?

Anyway! So, I feel better now that I've shared my feelings about that! In this post I am giving you 50-ish rules to live by... Or die trying... Although that kind of defeats the purpose so stay alive mmm-kay!?! Some of these are borrowed. Some are from friends but most of them are mine! ENJOY!!!


* If you have to tell everyone how fantastic you are... Then you're not!


* Don't put yourself down. There's plenty of people willing to do it for you! If you are one of those people who puts themselves down, hoping for a compliment... Everyone is onto your shit, or they soon will be! Grow up!


* Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are good for you. The right person should make you a better person, without you faking it or having to try. If you bring out the worst in each other, it'll never work!

* Don't use the 'N' word! It's fucking disgusting and either makes you look like a fucking try hard Eminem wannabe or just an ignorant fuck. It's not, so much that it's racist but that the people who 1st used were ALL inbred child molesters and fucking brain dead bigots, who believed themselves superior because they ran slow, had small penises and could get sun burnt!


* Girls... You either show legs or boobs... Not both. Any shorts that hurt you vag are not a good choice. Any skirt that isn't allergy safe is also a bad idea.. What the fuck is allergy safe? Well, if there's any risk of you sneezing and your twot popping out... It isn't allergy safe! Also if you plan on getting smashed (although, I advise against this as it's not a good look) wear pants and secure your boobies in place!

I can still see your wonky eye!!!

* Boys: in a dessert island/ life in prison type situation... Remember you're only gay if you receive. Coz then your butt hole takes on the role of the vagina!


* Don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face... They'll ALWAYS find out!


* If you want something to stay a secret... Don't tell ANYONE.


* Also, if you want everyone to know something just tell someone it's a secret... Everyone will know by lunch time.


* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed.


* A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


* No man has ever been shot whilst doing the dishes.


* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


* Never lick a steak knife.


* If you find an insurance policy with death AND dismemberment cover... Buy it!


* Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex, by asking her 'if she wants to have sex.'


* Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.

WHY???

* Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.


* Also, don't get a tattoo on your penis or of your penis.


* If you are suss about someone... Shut the fuck the up! It's amazing the shit people will tell you, just to avoid an uncomfortable silence!


* Never stay in a motel... But if you must make sure there are no paintings of either Roy Orbison or John Wayne on the walls.


* Never wear a bow tie... Only 2 kinds of people wear bow ties... Pee wee Herman (who looks like a child molester) and clowns! Who ARE child molesters! Get my point!?


* If, while with friends, your partner gives you that look like you should just shut the fuck up... NEVER EVER say 'WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR!?" Trust me, you'll find out later!


* Spell check and read your resume at least 3 times before sending it to anyone! I have gotten jobs based on my fuck up free resume!




* Don't ever wear bra's or shoes that don't fit


* Check your make-up in at least 3 different lighting schemes when going anywhere where other people are taking photos


* Always try and have all pictures of yourself taken on YOUR camera... That way you can delete the shitty ones!


* Anyone who tells you "you look like an interesting person" has imagined sticking large un-lubed objects in your anus!


* You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

* Girls! Your eyebrows Should be in perfect proportion to the rest of your face... So many of you of you have it so so wrong! The picture to the left is a FULL-PROOF guide to shaping your brows! Get a long thin make-up brush or a pencil. Hold it in line with your nose as per line 1 in the picture. Your brows should start directly in line with the outer corner of your nose. Keep the brush next to your nose and turn it out so it sits on the outer corner of your eye. This is where your brows should end. As per line 3. As for the arch or highest point of your brows, look straight ahead. The outer edge of your iris (the coloured part) is where your arch should be as per line 2. See! Easy! Don't over pluck. You'll like like a crack head.


* Long hair is almost always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair... By then you're stuck with them. The hair gets shorter and the pants get higher!




*NEVER, for any reason cry during or after sex... It's just weird!


* Men believe that yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


* Girls! If a man says something that you can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, they usually meant it the other way.


* If somethings smells it's either really good cheese or really bad meat... If it's anything besides cheese... Don't eat it!


* ALWAYS listen to your gut! 99% of the time it's right. The other 1% of the time you probably just need to take a shit!


* Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.


* You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners. 


* Falling in love is a sure way to gain 10 kilos. 


* Getting dumped is a sure way to lose 10 kilos. 


* Every one's better looking when they're younger... Unless they're not!

Old age is a mother fucker!

* Boys, if you decide to set the mood by lighting candles... Only light however many candles you can, in half the time it takes you to "complete" your "transaction"... I'm talking about EJACULATION!!!


* Never talk to down to your partner, especially in front of your mates... If they're half decent mates this will make them think less of you.


* You should NEVER insult someone in their own home! If you wanna insult them, invite them to your's!


* There's always someone better looking, nicer, smarter, richer and better in bed than you... Don't hate them for it, coz there's someone who is better than them too!


* Always wash your arm pits and ass crack/dick and balls/ muff twice... Once when you first get into the shower and once just before you get out.

THAT is what the sun does to your skin!

* Sun cream stops you from getting burnt! Not from getting tanned! Wear it! Unless looking like an old dude's leathery brown nut sack sounds like a good look for a 40 yea old!


* Don't add work colleagues (especially bosses) or family members on Facebook. Family are not friends. They are family. They don't find jokes about you loving anal or smoking crack like a mother fucker, amusing and chances are, being family they're already convinced your a crackhead whore before you wrote about it on Facebook.


* Don't share every aspect of your life on a social network and then suddenly wonder how every mother fucker who can read seems to know everything about your life!


* In a job interview when asked what your WORST habit is never tell the truth! It's a trick question! I've always gone with: I'm a bit of a perfectionist with an attention to detail and I annoy myself, sometimes! It's answering the question but really, and it's not a bad thing.



* Never stick your hand, where you wouldn't stick your dick! (You can stick you dildo any where you like.)

Relevant? No! Funny? Yes!

So... That's it! My advice on... Well, a bit of everything really!

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Fucking, Night Ops!

Me and my video camera (which doesn't actually use 'video technology', so shall hence forth be known as my Handycam... Which is convenient coz that's what Sony and a few hundred thousand other people call it)... Where was I!? Oh yeah... Me and my Handycam have a weird relationship... It has nothing to do with home made porn or me filming my neighbour molesting his cat... When my Handycam is in night vision mode it sends me into a bit of a giggly, pre-pubescent, James Bond-ish, ninja, cartwheeling on a fruit cake, weirdo, butt slut (without any actual ninjas. Or fruit cake or anal... Ok, maybe just a little bit of anal!?) Anyway... Me in night vision... It always makes me think I missed my true calling... When I'm in looking at myself in night vision my brown eyes become green and for some reason I have really fucking shiny teeth! Like REALLY really fucking shiny? I must admit... I find myself rather hypnotic and mesmerising. The first time I saw myself looking back at... Myself (?) in that sexy post apocalyptic nuclear war greenish radioactive hue, of what the French call 'le noire vision' (not really) I immediately thought... Fucking night ops... That's what I need to do... Just to be clear, it's not 'fucking' night ops... It's more like FUCKING GOD DAMN! Night ops! Like the Navy SEALS or SAS or whatever it is... I was like... I could totally swoon all the terrorists! I'd be like 'hey, terrorists! Look at my green eyes... And ridiculously shiny teeth! Then Boom! Explosions! WAR OVER! But during the day... Brown eyes! I wouldn't have to worry about being caught because even if they did question me, they'd be like... She's not the one... Her eyes are brown and her teeth are not nearly shiny enough! Let the big breasted on go! And like fucking ka-blam! I go onto fight another day! Not to mention, I love wearing all black outfits! It's the perfect crime! Almost too perfect... Mwaaahahahahahaha! Mwaahahaha! *Weird silence* MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Hmmm...  

Forgive my horrible 1 dimensional "art"... The blue lines represent me running... Not a bad case of gas! Ps... If I changed the ninja outfit from black to green... I totally look like a Ninja Turtle!

                                                                                                           
Why am I telling you this? Well because I had the above conversation, pretty much word for word, with myself (on camera) and it makes me feel a little less crazy if I share it with you... Why? I dunno. Why are you still asking me logical questions? Isn't it clear that I'm not stable?! There are no logical answers to the questions you ask!

Talking about logic and shit that just doesn't add up... I had to take Logie-Bear to PMH (children's hospital) the other day for his eye appointment... Longest 2 hours of my fucking life! Isabelle was complaining that her shoes hurt and Logan ate the crayons at the activity desk in the waiting room. Then he ran down the hallway and into someones office & yelled at them 'heeeeeey' like he was the Fonz. Then he kept farting while they tested his eyes. Then he climbed on the chair next to me and found the light switches and turned off half the lights in the massive waiting room area! When he wasn't trying to escape, or trying to fuck shit up, he was yelling at random people or screaming at the top of his lungs! He is out of control! I love him to death but once he sets his mind on something... You can let him scream it out, you can hold him down... You can shoot him with a baby rhino tranquilizer dart... But as soon as he gets a chance he'll go right back to what he wants to do.

So he screamed and screamed like a baby pig being lead to slaughter! The looks, I got! Like it's my choice to be the mother of devil boy! Anyway, so after all that we got into see the STUPID Asian doctor. He didn't even acknowledge Logan as a little person. He was like "yeah,he has a squint. He needs surgery. Make him wear an eye patch on his good eye for an hour a day for the next 6 months, then come back and see me." Yeah ok... So what's the eye patch for? Other than making him look like a fat little pirate!? Is there a chance that the bad eye, if forced to work harder will correct itself? The Dr, was like "no, it's to strengthen his vision"... Wait... What? We just got told his vision is fine. "It is", said the doc... But I'm thinking, if the sight in his lazy eye is fucked... No amount of exercising it will restore any lost vision... Vision doesn't work that (I don't think?). Once it's fucked, it's fucked. So after asking this Dr, 6 different ways what the fuck the eye patch was for, we still don't know. According to him, Logan's vision is fine and we can't do anything for his squint except for surgery. The eye patch is suppose to help strengthen his vision... Which is fine... Huh? Even if he did have trouble seeing, which he doesn't, I don't see how the eye patch would help... After all if that's all it took you'd have blind people, the world over rocking the pirate look in hopes of strengthening their vision!? 

So I'm getting a second opinion. From someone who speaks English! There's no way in fuck I could get fatty to wear an eye patch without him ripping it off... Anything strong enough to prevent him from fucking with it, would tear his skin when I had to remove it! So basically we waited 9 fucking months for an appointment, just for me to get looked at like my baby is the devil and to be told he needs rock the pirate look for the next 6 months!? No fucking thanks.

So, that's was my week! 

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Vulva-licious!

Firstly, to those of you dying to know the outcome from the events I covered in my last post, "Boners? Bargain!"  Yes, 'Hard Ten Days' worked... I was surprised at how well it worked! It was kinda like freaky erection... I thought Todd's dick was guna jump out of it's skin... I actually laughed at it for a considerable amount of time... Which surprisingly, didn't effect his freaky porn boner one iota! That being said I think they should change it's name from 'Hard Ten Days' to 'Can't Walk Two Weeks'! Hahaha... If you catch my drift... 


So for those who wanted to know. Yes it absolutely worked and it's quite cheap too! Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below or emailed to me at jenbear1985@gmail.com... Just put Hard Ten Days Questions in the subject line so I don't think your message is SPAM and delete it!
Ok so my last post was pretty much all about dick... But I did briefly touch on a product called, 'YING DA WANG', which is for females. If you remember, this product claimed to... 
'Increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....' 
Which got me thinking: what other sorts of warped and (not so) wonderful products are out there for the fairer sex? This question was soon answered accompanied with fits of giggles from myself as I realised my naivety in regards to the 'wonderful' world of lotions, potions, perfumes, devices, soaps and pills available for your humble run of the mill vagina!

So without any further ado...


Name: JAMU SOAP (Sabun Sari KESED)
Use: This soap claims to tighten your vagina!
Sales Pitch: Rules of Use- Soaped at interior femininity flatten and hushed for a few minutes, rinsed last / to be washed until cleanness.

Benefits:
1. Creating harmony in the household, husband and wife happiness
2. Absorb excessive mucus
3. Make vagina becomes kesed
4. Eradicating germs in the vagina
5. Eliminate unpleasant odors
6. Eliminate black mole-mole between your thighs 7. Eliminating the smell of sweat is not good

Ok... So how do you use it? Wait, who cares! I want to know WHAT THE FUCK IS KESED!? MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS BLACK MOLE-MOLE between your thighs? Hahahaha! Someone help me! I can't breathe! 

Name: Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream (No, it's not glue like I originally thought)

Use: Once again... Vaginal Tightening!
Sales Pitch: Apply a liberal amount of Sure Grip Tighten Her Cream to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Sure Grip Tighten Her       Cream also works as a deodorant and disinfectant. It   also claims to "Tighten your vagina, like the first time... For that Honeymoon fit!" 

I still think it sounds like glue! Plus one of the ingredients is a mold repellent... Nothing says confidence like a mold free vagina!? I discovered a whole range of these vag creams! All with highly amusing names like: 18 again, Tight stuff, China shrink cream, Snuggles, Crazy girl wanna be tight! I think Crazy Girl has to be my favourite! 

Name: Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

Use: My guess... Pumping the pussy!

Sales pitch: Super-sensitise your vagina for extreme levels of pleasure! The Doc Johnson Pussy pump is easy to use and will enlarge your vagina making it super sensitive. Unlike other pump the Doc Johnson version has a patented removable valve allowing you pump it up to create a vacuum and then remove the hose and it will keep its seal.

I just find it hilarious that's there's obviously a whole group of women out there trying to make their vagina's smaller then I find something like this which is obviously aimed at a crowd who are trying to make the puss bigger!? I LIKE ZE BIIIIG PUSSY!!! Ahahahaha! Say that with a Grace Jones voice (MOVIE: Boomerang) for maximum laugh-ability!


Name: Vaginal Electrode! WOAH!
Use: I think it's to exercise your vag?
Sales Pitch: An intra-vaginal probe for muscle stimulation and biofeedback. It is supplied complete with an additional stick-style "indicator" fitting that allows it to be used as a Pelvic Floor Educator and thus provides excellent value for women wanting to develop exercise technique whilst using electrical stimulation.

Wow! Yeah, any takers? No, thanks! I used a similar device when I was a beautician... It stimulated the skin and was actually quite a nice and effective treatment... I never attacked any of the girls vagina's with it though... I do like the use of the word 'educator'... And I'm gunna leave that one right there! 


Name: KEGEL8 Ultra A - Vaginal & Anal
Use: NO FUCKING IDEA!
Sales Pitch: Do you have a problem controlling your wind? Do you have Stress Incontinence? Do you suffer with constipation? If you answer YES to any of the above, you are at risk of developing anal incontinence and small changes now can make a big difference. Stress Incontinence is taboo but anal incontinence is even more of a social stigma that blights women's lives. Medical figures report 28% of women with stress incontinence are also anally incontinent, not always to the extent of 'messing' ourselves sometimes it's not being able to control our wind in social situations. If you are that 'windy-pop woman' you need the Kegel8 Ultra A, with all the fast and efficient programmes you need to strengthen your pelvic floor vaginally, the Ultra A has an additional programme complete with anal probe. The Kegel8 Ultra is the clinically proven way to strengthen your pelvic floor, vaginally and posteriorally giving you back your control and confidence.


Hahaha! WOW! As I was telling Todd about this windy pop woman I burst into hysterics and started to sing the following song! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Farted on my dick and my balls! 

        WINDY POP WOMAAAAAAN! Sharted all over my bedroom walls! 

I then proceeded to laugh for a good 5 minutes and that's all I have to say about that!

Last but by no means least I present...


Name: Vulva Original! (Seriously)
Use: For people who just love smelling like a cunt!
Sales Pitch: The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure. The NEW scent filled into an exclusive glass vial with a comfortable roll-on applicator with more content of that precious, organic substance. Our greatest challenge was to preserve the intimate scent without altering the essence thereof. After many year of extensive testing and an especially developed preservation procedure, we have succeeded in capturing the sought-after organic vaginal scent with a long lasting effect. The vial is shaken gently. Only a tiny amount of the slightly yellow, desirable substance is applied onto the back of the hand…and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the intimate smell of an irresistible woman.

If you want to be even more freaked out I suggest you watch the the VULVA commercial! Not to be confused with the VOLVO commercials!

This video right here is the entire reason I stay the fuck out of the gym and away from personal trainers! 

I hope you were as entertained and as freaked the fuck out as I was!


Until next time...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Boners!? Bargain!

Ok, so if you are a friend on either my personal Facebook page or my blogs Facebook page  you may have seen my status the other night about my accidental purchase of boner medication! What? Yeah... Let me explain! Ok, so I was on Ebay and looking for penis pills or sex drugs or some such shit... The idea was to, hopefully find funny shit to blog about! Mission accomplished! Anyway I found these pills called 'Hard Ten Days' that's not a typo that's what they're called! So I was reading what these pills claimed to do and the listing said to Google 'Hard Ten Days reviews' so I did... So I'm reading these reviews. Most of them are broken English or pretty ordinary. Until I found this one review that said 

"If your wife complained you are not enough strong, I recommend you can try this product, I have tried, and my wife treat me better than before." 

I found that, "my wife treat me better than before" part hilarious! So I was like "Todd! Listen to this!" Anyway, so I'm yelling out what I was doing and what this random dude said, whilst at the same time changing pages and going back to the Ebay listing! My intention was to add the pills to my watch list so I could get the details later for my blog... But what I actually did was press Buy now > Commit to buy > Confirm! Just as I pressed confirm (and I was still talking to Todd at this point) I'm all like "Blah blah blah ahahaha... Penis... Erection... Etc.." Confirm!? Confirm what?! Fuck! Shit! No confirm! No confirm! No no no! FAARK! Long story short... I purchased like 20 boner pills! 


For those of you doubting my story... That's fine. The fact is, if I bought them for a laugh I'd just be like yeah! Get a stiff one up ya! Hahaha 20 penis pills! Good weekend ahead for me! Me purchasing the pills isn't than riveting but I thought my epic failure to multi task resulting in the accidental purchase of 20 boner enhancing pills was an amusing fuck up on my part! Plus it was all for my blog, so really... If you're reading this it's partly your fault! Shoosh! Go with it ok!? 

Just for the record, Toddy does not require any boner enhancing medications but I paid for the shit so he'll be using them!

Now that you know the back story, I can tell you that these pills arrived in the mail today... Luckily for you, the amusement doesn't end with my over zealous clicking frenzy!

As you may have guessed with a name like 'Hard Ten Days' the product is obviously Asian... It's attempt to look like a legit Western/ English product amused the shit out of me! Any chance they had of fooling me into thinking this product was endorsed by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration- AMERICAN) or whatever government body monitors this kind of shit ended as soon as I looked over the box and began reading the instructions!


The bottom of the box says: BIGGER, LONGER, MORE TIME, MORE SPERMS! 
I shit you, not! That's what it fucking says! 

Ok so that's the box... Just in case you can't see it in all of it's fantastic detail... This product is apparently endorsed by the "World Sex Association" (which Google has never heard of) and at the top of the box above the title it says: A GRAIN OF SOON THE EFFECT REVELS ALL NIGHT! Whatever the fuck that means!?
Oh and the eagle in the top left corner is surrounded by the words: GOLD SOURCE LIVING CREATURE... Yeah that's super fucking helpful? Come pet my majestic creature!

The instructions contain some still shots from some porn movies... Just in case you purchased the pills and didn't know what the end result was suppose to be?!? Anyway the cheap stolen porn is seriously the least of my fucking problems! Listen to these INSTRUCTIONS! I'm quoting word for word so don't think I'm drunk or anything ok! The instructions are in bold... My comments are just in regular font ok... Cappish?

The heart attack, high blood pressure all can take the wine takes and doesn't influence result behind have good curative effect to the prostate! So fucking yeah! Clear up any issues? Yeah? Nar me either! NO fucking clue! But wait there's more! As if we weren't fucking lost enough!

What's in it? Lets find out! This product is specially made of many kinds of valuable animals and plants such as blah, blah blah, seahorse membrain... deer antler!? Seahorse what? Deer antler? Like, Santa's reindeer? Does Santa know about this? I highly fucking doubt it! Anyway I've got more pressing questions, like what do these ingredients do? Funny you should ask! I have that information right here! It would make you like a strong man the significant effects on physical or mental prospermia (premature ejaculation), impotence (sad floppy penis), spermatorrhea (involuntary escape of semen, without orgasm... Escape! HELP! HELP! THE SEMEN HAS ESCAPED! SOMETHING SOMETHING GODZILLA?), sexual debility (weak or feeble penis) and any symptoms of kidney weakness (WTF? Why are we talking about kidneys all of a sudden!?)... Great effects on sex let down (If only I had these years ago! Fucking sex let downs like a mother fucker!), shortness of penis (Hahahaha I prefer the term stump cock!) and penis atrophy of the old... (A wasting or extinct species! Why are they extinct? Coz you can't get your dick up! Think about that next time you can't get wood! Mother fucker!" I really should get a job in sales!

It then goes on about sperm and urination... and on... and on... and on... Then it says: taking after drinking wont affect the effect! Multi sex is possible with multi erections! Multi sex? Multi erections? Multi penis? Fuck hey! I should also mention that the penis would be wider, bigger, higher, rigidity. Penis may increase without rebound! What the fuck is penis rebound? Anyone? No? Also, I know I hate it when I drink then the effects of the affect are effected!? It really fucks me off!? I think? Finally, you may wonder what to do if shit gets fucked up... (Excuse the pun)! With clear instructions like these you'd have to be brain dead to fail but anyway should you have any problems such as: multi erection or non ejaculation during sex... Drink cold water for therapy! Simple! No? Fuck knows! But after reading that MY dick is hard! 

Yeah so fucking BOOM erection! It doesn't say anything about how to treat the EPIC FUCKING MIGRAINE you get from reading the instructions though!

Now if you're female or at least 90% sure you're female, like me you may be going well that's fucking great for him with his 10 days boner-rama but how the fuck does that help me and my spastic vagina? WONDER NO FUCKING MORE!!! What's it called? YING DA WANG... I AM NOT FUCKING WITH YOU!!! LOOK IT UP!!! There's a picture below! See? What does it do!? Tell me tell me! Yeah yeah fucking hold the fuck ON!

Uses: Useful to increase secretion of vagina, improve sex desire. After taking this product woman's vagina will began to suck and shrink and women reach orgasm faster. The product is very useful for a sexless person or a woman with a dull and dry vagina....

Hahahahaha! Do I even need to say anything? Of course I do! I am not at all comfortable with the thought of any ones vagina sucking and shrinking! Like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?! If I ever harbored secret lesbian desires, that just totally fucking killed that idea! Thanks YING DA WANG! Also you can call me sexless and you can say my vagina is as dry as a sandbox if you want but I wont have ANYBODY telling me my vagina is dull! You're dull, mother fucker! YOU'RE DULL!!!

So on that note... That's all from me and my NOT AT ALL dull vagina!

Until next time... Here's wishing you all a 10 day erection!

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and here's one last disturbing image ...

Do I choose Viagra or "STREE OVERLORD"? I'd go with the Viagra... Unless you wanna turn into a muscle bound evil lizard man! But that could just be me and my dull vagina talking! :)

Oh and I think that big hard brown this is her knee... Which doesn't work... But whatever! 

THE END!

NO, it doesn't make any fucking sense... But, I'm cool with that!

GIFS!!! What? I said GIFS! What? You fucking heard what I said mother fucker!


You would have seen them before! They're like mini movies! Not the best quality but hey! Who are we to judge!? Anyway so over the last few weeks I have been collecting GIFs that I've found that, as per usual, are either funny, weird or both! I don't know if you'll be able to view these on your mobile/ cell phones! And for that I am sorry... You'll just have to sit there and imagine the funny! *Shakes fist* IMAGINE IT!!!! Sorry for not coming up with anything more spectacular for you to blow your wad over or something that causes your ass to explode out of your shorts but I've literally been sick all fuck winter so you should just be happy I haven't offed myself or at very least been found hiding in the cupboard licking peanut butter off my own nipples! Actually, that's not a half bad idea! You lot stay here I'm going to NOT lick peanut butter off my nips.... WHAT!? I said NOT! Fucking sick bunch you are! God! ENJOY!!!

As far as wanking faces go... This ones pretty hot! 

I. LOVE. MIC!!! Oh and LAMP! 

Ahahahah! Totally freaking out over the non-existent water! Stupid cat!  

That's exactly what I do when Asian tourists rub my tummy! What? It fucking is!!!

He has THE fattest tongue I have EVER seen! But yet I still wouldn't sit on his face!? WTF!?!

The music for The Wizard Of Oz starts playing in my head when I see this! And then the laugh! "Eeeeeeeheheheheheheheheeee!"

One thing is obvious... This dude is DEFINITELY STILL A VIRGIN!

I have NO sympathy for this dude what-so-ever! What the fuck did he think they were doing? He should just be thankful the other dude is wearing pants! 

Is this your reaction to seeing that I've posted a new blog entry? Coz it fucking should be! This is what I do the entire time I'm putting it together!!! Hahaha this actually gets funnier the more you watch it!

My only regret? Not being able to change the carrot into a penis!

I'm sure this hurt but... Haaaahahahaha! 

This is totally like: What's going on over there... Oh hell no! Fuck this! You guys are fucking sick! LATER!!!

As if Jean Claude Van Damme wasn't annoying enough! Seriously! Look at his happy little face... Now tell me he hasn't had a penis inside of him! Aaaahaha!

This is hilarious but I reckon if she was looking at me like this I'd be terrified! Or I might laugh hysterically... I never can tell how I'll react! That's the joys of schizophrenia!? Who said that! What? SERENITY NOW!!!!

So kiddies! Wish me well and hope I get better or you'll have to deal with more fucked up GIFs! What? I said GIFS! Oh!? 


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo