Bare with me, for a moment while I step out of the twilight zone...I'll get back to that in a minute. But first, it could be to do with the fact that I'm on like 6 different kinds of counter productive drugs, or it could be the fact that it's late at night and whilst, normally I have no fucking attention span, due to some freak occurrence that almost always happens after midnight and always when I am alone... For some reason, I become VERY easy to please in regards to what TV programs I will watch... Which is pretty much anything. I guess it's kind of like being stoned... Except not at all. Confused? Yeah, I'm totally fucking lost. Wow... And I'm back.... Ok, so I can sit there and watch something, I am NOT enjoying at fucking all, for long periods of time and usually with my mouth agape... Literally... I look like one of those 'real' sex dolls... Except my vagina isn't removable... Actually, that was an overly bold statement, considering I've never tried removing it. Hang on... Yeah, it's most definitely NOT removable...
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| Something like this... But less Asian! |
I'm not that interesting. So I walk in, turn the TV down (well, technically the stereo) as planned... Then instead of walking back out, I sit down... What was this shit? I wondered. It's shit, why do you care? Walk away! Get up and walk the fuck away! You have shit to do and its late, just walk the fuck away! But no, I sit down... Now thankfully I only sat down to watch this 'shit' for like 5 minutes tops... But normally... Before midnight, 2 seconds and I'd be like "NO! Fuck off!" But, it was after midnight and I was enamoured with this crap-fest! I even pressed the 'info' button on the remote and found out it was 'The Pirates of Penzance'... In the 5 minutes that followed I learnt 3 things...
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| Yes, this shit! |
1) Apparently all pirates are raging homo-sexuals? I mean, I'm not surprised... All those men out at sea, no women, wooden legs left and right. All that wood! Mmm! Scurvy and wood! WOOD. Wood is good! Would you... Fucking aye... Wow and once again... Right outta left field... If I went any more left of field I'd end up... Right!?
2) Angela Lansbury, shits the fuck out of me. It's her fucking head! God, it fucks me right the fuck off! This 2nd fact took me totally by surprise. I've never much thought about the woman before tonight but for the 30seconds she was in the 5 minutes worth of the movie, I watched I wanted her to feel pain and, I wanted to cause it! Wait... Is she dead? I just Googled it... No she's not dead. How is that possible? She must be like 180! What the fuck? Devils work that is! How is she not dead yet? Hmmm project! I'm kidding! I am not going to whack the 'Murder, She Wrote' lady! Maybe just some mild stalking and 1 or 2 well time kicks in the head... And
3) I want Kevin Kline's thigh high boots...Not specifically the ones he was wearing... I do not wish to share musty thigh odours with old Kev-bo! Plus I'm like 5" 1' so thigh high boots on him would end up being labia high boots on me... Friction.... Mmm... And it brings new meaning to the story of puss in boots, doesn't it?
Anyway! So, I feel better now that I've shared my feelings about that! In this post I am giving you 50-ish rules to live by... Or die trying... Although that kind of defeats the purpose so stay alive mmm-kay!?! Some of these are borrowed. Some are from friends but most of them are mine! ENJOY!!!
* If you have to tell everyone how fantastic you are... Then you're not!
* Don't put yourself down. There's plenty of people willing to do it for you! If you are one of those people who puts themselves down, hoping for a compliment... Everyone is onto your shit, or they soon will be! Grow up!
* Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are good for you. The right person should make you a better person, without you faking it or having to try. If you bring out the worst in each other, it'll never work!
* Girls... You either show legs or boobs... Not both. Any shorts that hurt you vag are not a good choice. Any skirt that isn't allergy safe is also a bad idea.. What the fuck is allergy safe? Well, if there's any risk of you sneezing and your twot popping out... It isn't allergy safe! Also if you plan on getting smashed (although, I advise against this as it's not a good look) wear pants and secure your boobies in place!
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| I can still see your wonky eye!!! |
* Don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face... They'll ALWAYS find out!
* If you want something to stay a secret... Don't tell ANYONE.
* Also, if you want everyone to know something just tell someone it's a secret... Everyone will know by lunch time.
* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed.
* A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
* No man has ever been shot whilst doing the dishes.
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Never lick a steak knife.
* If you find an insurance policy with death AND dismemberment cover... Buy it!
* Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex, by asking her 'if she wants to have sex.'
* Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.
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| WHY??? |
* Also, don't get a tattoo on your penis or of your penis.
* If you are suss about someone... Shut the fuck the up! It's amazing the shit people will tell you, just to avoid an uncomfortable silence!
* Never stay in a motel... But if you must make sure there are no paintings of either Roy Orbison or John Wayne on the walls.
* Never wear a bow tie... Only 2 kinds of people wear bow ties... Pee wee Herman (who looks like a child molester) and clowns! Who ARE child molesters! Get my point!?* If, while with friends, your partner gives you that look like you should just shut the fuck up... NEVER EVER say 'WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR!?" Trust me, you'll find out later!
* Spell check and read your resume at least 3 times before sending it to anyone! I have gotten jobs based on my fuck up free resume!
* Don't ever wear bra's or shoes that don't fit
* Check your make-up in at least 3 different lighting schemes when going anywhere where other people are taking photos
* Always try and have all pictures of yourself taken on YOUR camera... That way you can delete the shitty ones!
* Anyone who tells you "you look like an interesting person" has imagined sticking large un-lubed objects in your anus!
* You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
* Girls! Your eyebrows Should be in perfect proportion to the rest of your face... So many of you of you have it so so wrong! The picture to the left is a FULL-PROOF guide to shaping your brows! Get a long thin make-up brush or a pencil. Hold it in line with your nose as per line 1 in the picture. Your brows should start directly in line with the outer corner of your nose. Keep the brush next to your nose and turn it out so it sits on the outer corner of your eye. This is where your brows should end. As per line 3. As for the arch or highest point of your brows, look straight ahead. The outer edge of your iris (the coloured part) is where your arch should be as per line 2. See! Easy! Don't over pluck. You'll like like a crack head.* Long hair is almost always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair... By then you're stuck with them. The hair gets shorter and the pants get higher!
*NEVER, for any reason cry during or after sex... It's just weird!
* Men believe that yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
* Girls! If a man says something that you can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, they usually meant it the other way.
* If somethings smells it's either really good cheese or really bad meat... If it's anything besides cheese... Don't eat it!
* ALWAYS listen to your gut! 99% of the time it's right. The other 1% of the time you probably just need to take a shit!
* Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
* You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners.
* Falling in love is a sure way to gain 10 kilos.
* Getting dumped is a sure way to lose 10 kilos.
* Every one's better looking when they're younger... Unless they're not!
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| Old age is a mother fucker! |
* Never talk to down to your partner, especially in front of your mates... If they're half decent mates this will make them think less of you.
* You should NEVER insult someone in their own home! If you wanna insult them, invite them to your's!
* There's always someone better looking, nicer, smarter, richer and better in bed than you... Don't hate them for it, coz there's someone who is better than them too!
* Always wash your arm pits and ass crack/dick and balls/ muff twice... Once when you first get into the shower and once just before you get out.
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| THAT is what the sun does to your skin! |
* Don't add work colleagues (especially bosses) or family members on Facebook. Family are not friends. They are family. They don't find jokes about you loving anal or smoking crack like a mother fucker, amusing and chances are, being family they're already convinced your a crackhead whore before you wrote about it on Facebook.
* Don't share every aspect of your life on a social network and then suddenly wonder how every mother fucker who can read seems to know everything about your life!
* In a job interview when asked what your WORST habit is never tell the truth! It's a trick question! I've always gone with: I'm a bit of a perfectionist with an attention to detail and I annoy myself, sometimes! It's answering the question but really, and it's not a bad thing.
* Never stick your hand, where you wouldn't stick your dick! (You can stick you dildo any where you like.)
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| Relevant? No! Funny? Yes! |
So... That's it! My advice on... Well, a bit of everything really!
Until next time...
Love your guts!
Love, Jen xoxo
Hahaha, some of these made me laugh - Great post :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, commenting and enjoying! Great comment, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteJen xoxo