But why is there no Disco Puma?

So I was trawling the Internet looking for funny shit to entertain you lot with and I stumbled upon a picture of a Harry Potter DVD case... Not that interesting, right? WRONG!!! Fucking WRONG!!! The DVD is obviously a burnt copy from overseas because it's just fucked up! It's written in English but as you'll soon see it's got absolutely NOTHING to do with Harry Potter- Like, at fucking all!!! This random find then lead me down a weird and wonderful path of movie posters- with a foreign twist! Enjoy! I give you full permission to say 'WHAT THE FUCK' out loud and as often as necessary... And trust me when I say, it WILL be necessary!!!

Ok, so at first glance everything appears to be normal... At first, I was like... And why is this funny? Then I saw Billy Bob Thornton's name and I knew that something was terribly wrong... It reads as follows:

Directed by Billy Bob Thornton, two young men (Matt Damon and Henry Thomas) celebrate the recent ending of World War II by riding out of their native Texas into the wild west, meeting friends and fellow adventurers along the way. Once they reach Mexico, they become smitten with a young woman (Penelope Cruz) who is the daughter of a ranch owner. As foreboding clouds threaten their so-far sunny skies, the men throw themselves headlong into danger.
“The Wizard Of Oz”
F- it’s time A Complete triumph
Bonus features
Anamorphic Widescreen (Aspect Ratio 2:35:1)
Commentary by Director Harold Ramis
Commentary by Elizabeth Hurly and Trevor Albert
Making of Featurette, Costume Design Featurette, Still Gallery
English 5:1 suroung, english Dolby Surround, French Dolby Surround
Subtitles: English, Spanish
Warner bros. pictures presents a Cruise/Wagner-Vinyl Films production of a Chris Buck film Daniel Rancliffe “Harry” Emma Watston Rupert Grint Richard Harris and Samantha Morton music by Nancy Wilson music supervision Danny Bramson costumes designed by Betsy Hermann edited by Joe Hutshing ace production designer Catherine Hardwicke director of photography John Toll ASC executive producer Jonathan Sanger Danny Bramson Fernando Bovara Bill Block Patrick Wachsberger assistant producer Michael Doven produced by Tom Cruise Paula Wagner Cameron Crowe written for the screen and directed by Kevin Lim and Chris Buck.

Ok, so apparently there was a heap of shit I didn't know about Harry Potter! Like I had no idea that Billy Bob directed it as well as Harold Ramis, apparently! Or that it starred Matt Damon... (I think he plays Ron!?) Even more surprising was that it's set it in Texas! Weird huh!?! Not as weird as the random Wizard of Oz mention calling it a 'triumph', but then giving it an 'F'... Or maybe it's like 'Fuck it's time! A complete triumph!' Either way... They're WAY off!

The Polish movie poster for the movie 'Escape from Planet of the Apes'
Hahaha! Now, I've never seen the movie but for some reason, now I really want to! But I have to wonder... What are they trying to escape from? They look like they're having a great fucking time!

Weekend at Bernie's
On the left the movie poster/ cover I'm familiar with... On the right... The Polish version! Yeah! What the fuck is with these fucking Polish posters? It's just like 'Fuck seeing the movie! Don't show me pictures from the film and don't tell me a god damn thing about it! Just get me my LSD, my pen and some paper and I'll work the rest out on my own!"

Big
On the left... The regular poster. On the right the Czech Republic version. What the fuck is going on here? Why couldn't they just change the wording on the original poster? Why does the dude have paint on his face and heart shaped sun glasses? Why why why??? NOTHING about this poster says ANYTHING about the movie! 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
On the left... Makes sense. You know it's a Harry Potter movie. There's a dark looking forest and a sense of urgency. Cool. I still have no desire to see any of the Harry Pot-head movies but I get the drift... On the right is the US version!?! Is this scene even from Harry Potter? If it is I'm sure it's not the entire gist of the film. Anyone going to see this movie JUST based on the poster is guna be majorly fucked off! I'd be like 'Who the fuck are these gits with wands and when does Hemorrhoid (Hermione) become a prostitute?

Ice Age 3
On the left the normal poster. On the left... The South Korean version. What is with Korean's and their incessant need to slut everything up with gadgets and shit? Nowhere in this movie do they time warp to the future, pick up a custom made rocket suit, some blue sunnies and haul ass back in time for tea! What the fuck is going on? If I was a little kid and I saw this poster before going in to see the movie I'd be highly fucking pissed when I didn't see that little squirrel dude kicking some woolly mammoth ass with his newly acquired robocop like ensemble! HIGHLY PISSED!!!

The Never Ending Story
On the left... The version I'm familiar with.
On the Right... Oh my fucking god! It's those crazy fucking Polish bitches again! What is going on here!? Granted, I haven't seen this movie in a while but I'm almost definite that I'd remember a weird little gay dude wearing clown make-up, a Victorian neck collar and a gigantic obnoxious pink hat while happily riding on a Triceratops! But maybe I missed that bit? I'm pretty sure this movie is German... And Poland is right next to Germany... So what happened? Was there some massive communication error? Did the fax get smudged and the Polish design department decided to wing it? Or was this Poland's revenge for being invaded by Germany? I'm thinking all of the above!

Willow
On the left... An understandable choice.
On the right... The POLISH version (this is getting to be like a bad joke)! I never realised Willow was about an elderly Pinocchio making friends with either a leper or a deformed tree!?! But, hey! What do I know!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 
A VERY cool movie poster that gives some clue to the story line... Then there's the Japanese version...

I think the artist took his work home and let his 4 year old cut and paste some random shit together! CRAPPY JAPPY!!!

Star Wars
This is my absolute favourite side by side comparison!
On the left is the more conventional poster. On the right is the Russian version.
Quite obviously when the artist had Darth Vadar described to him all he heard was "Blar blar blar  SEXY DISCO PUMA!!!"
Again... Why not just change the poster on the left? Or at least reference to it! The Russians must have been like... So when's space cat coming into the movie? There is no space cat? But the poster? The poster lied? But why? Why would they tease me with empty promises of awesome humanoid disco puma's!?! WHY!? For the love of god WHHHHHY!?!
THAT kind of shit changes people. You lose a part of yourself! Ahahahaha! Yeah!?!

 Well kiddies, once again our time together has come to an end!


I hope you enjoyed wondering what the fuck as much as I did!!!


Until next time...


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

Vladamir Coktossin!!!

So I'm watching weight lifting on TV... Well that's a lie... Todd was watching the shit... I was merely a victim of circumstance... Circumstance being it was Todd's birthday & I wasn't about to engage in a 'it's my birthday, I should be able to watch whatever I want' anus twitching guilt trip! It wasn't all tears and suicide threats though... During my glimpse of said weight lifting I came up with several pieces of advice for these, lifters of weights! Weight Lifters, as they are also known!!! 


1stly... Guys! Adjust your cock/ nuts PRIOR to chalking up your hands! Seriously! They ALL had chalky knobs and nuts! Hahaha knobs & nuts! ALL of them! You never see them out on stage tugging their scrote or checking their foreskin to make sure it hasn't engulfed a nut or something so they must run backstage and be like 'YES! I fucking showed that hard, long rigid bar & those filthy slag weights who's tha man' and then engage in a rampant cock grope and a frenzied ritualistic celebratory jig! 

It's not surprising that all these blokes are a bit cock mad... I mean considering the names of the lifts they perform it's no wonder it's a blatant cock romp! Firstly the clean and jerk... $50 says half these guys got involved in weight lifting when the heard they got to perform a 'clean & jerk' on stage... Only to be disappointed when finding out later on that some sadistic cock teasing moron thought it was a good name to describe something mind blowingly painful and completely unrelated to any cleaning and jerking most young blokes are accustomed too! 'Yeah that'll suck the little fuckers in!'

If that doesn't work there's always the ever so suggestively named 'snatch'... Now for my overseas readers (and I know you're out there... Leave a comment! Don't be a stranger!) snatch is Aussie/ Jenna terminology for... Vagina... Moot... Minge... Muff... Beaver... Bearded clam... Axe wound... Map of Tassie (refer to the picture on the left if you're lost on this one)... Cunt... Pussy... Poon... Flesh wallet... Ewww ok enough of that... You get my drift... And if you don't I don't think you should be reading this! Ok so yeah snatch!? I'm sure with all the languages around the world the Weight Lifting Association or whatever the call themselves could have come up with something that doesn't lead the non weight lifting enthusiast to believe they are going to be seeing something wet and wonderful! It's just setting your potential audience up to be disappointed! It may just be me and my warped mind (it usually is) but when I hear the words "World Champion Jerk's & Snatch's (or Jerker's and Snatcher's??)" the last thing to enter my mind is 'several rotund unattractive Europeans wearing Lycra, lifting large inanimate objects for a pre-determined period of time whilst sporting chalked up cocks!' 

Now if they really wanted to add a whole new dynamic to the sport there's really only one direction to go... Naked weight lifting! Yep... NEKID!!! With maximum extreme zoom-age right up in their poop shoots... Get some extreme Spike Lee angles happening... Zoom right in on their grundles as they struggle to hold that weight there for a new world record... You'd be able to literally see some hemorrhoids form before your eyes! Not to mention how many new advertisers the sport could get... Haemorrhoid cream for one... Bang! Done! Signed! Penis enlargement creams could also get into the act!

Imagine it!

"Tonight going for a new personal best of 185kg is the young Russian, Vladamir Coktossin! Even if this amazing young man doesn't lift his goal weight... As you can see by having a quick glance between his legs... He won't be going home disappointed!"

"That's right Sven! As most people probably know Vladamir is the spokes cock for Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000! Now you don't need to be a Med student to see that before Vladamir started his treatment coarse he was a shameful 3 inches... After just a 6 month coarse Vladamir is now rocking a member any man would be proud of! He has increased his girth 400% and his length by an amazing 700% which means thanks to Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000, Vladamir is now sporting a very attractive 13 pound cock! And now back to the weight lifting!"

See! It could totally work! And you know the Europeans would dig it coz they love doing everything naked! I really should be in advertising! Hell after reading that shit, I'm about to call now my credit card details and order my supply of  Lumber Jax Max Cox Xtreme Cream 12000 and I don't even have a cock (anymore.... Hahahah Joking!!!) Plus if I'm one of the first 50,000 callers I'll get a free Snuggy! Fuck yes! Massive man meat and an embarrassing tent/blanket to keep it warm! My life is complete!!! 

Top Line L-R: Shitting, Fucking, Shitting, Weight Lifting!
Bottom Line L-R: Weight Lifting , Ejaculating, Sneezing, Shitting!

Ok so that's enough about naked weight lifting and 13 pound cocks... All this from not really watching weight lifting! Makes you think, doesn't it? No, not really? Ok well fuck ya then! Difficult Mother Fuckers! Hahahaha! 

Anyway!!! Until next time and as always!


Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo