Is That a Two Headed Snake In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Hey Dudette's and Duderino's! What is up with the universe? Yes this is a very philosophical question for a blonde, I know! But seriously! Sure, there's been a butt load of natural disasters this year and we're only in March but I'm referring to something much closer to home... Everyone's marriages/ long term relationships are coming to an end. And these aren't people who you secretly thought to yourself  'I give it 5 weeks if he works away for 4 of them!' These are good people! Well at least the female side of the relationship is descent!  I'm not saying they are fault free and perfect because I don't know the entire story but they are definitely wife material. What the fuck is going on? 


In one particular instance I can say this guy has shit for brains if he thinks he's ever going to come close to meeting a wife and mother of this calibre every again! What is wrong with people? Has he always been a cock stain and covered it well or did he just developed cock-stain-itis and change over night? I favour option a. But I dont understand how you can supposedly be in love with someone, have a child or children with them and not let them see the real you. That's A LOT of work. Why bother? If you really do love that person, you being a better person wouldn't be an act because I believe love has the ability to bring the absolute best (and worst) out in people. Why waste someone's time and make them question their own sanity and judgement? I'm a firm believer in knowing ones self... This simple rule eliminates a lot of life's bullshit. Unfortunately though the people I'm talking about don't have a set of life rules or guidelines and it's just about them doing whatever they want at that particular point in time, fuck everyone else and fuck the consequences. They are basically sociopath's with a serious complex about having a very tiny penis and asymmetrical balls!!! 


To these moron men (and woman) who systematically ruin one life after another leaving broken hearts, broken will and broken families in their wake... Your time is coming. It's not a threat. It's a god damn mother fucking promise, Bitch! There's no cure for cock-stain-itis but there's a fucking good treatment that's guaranteed to make myself and everyone whose ever come into contact with them feel better immediately! They need to be flogged. Beaten within a inch of their lives. Piss and shit themselves in fear. They need to have the physical equivalent of the emotional pain they've caused others, inflicted on them. It wont cure them but it will make the rest of the world sleep a hell of a lot better knowing some justice was served in this unjust world!


Ok so now that's out of my system lets talk blog!!! What am I going to be talking about in this entry? Well I've got a collection of random, strange and funny photos I stumbled upon by accident! I was telling Todd about an albino kangaroo I saw on tele, he looked at me strangely because he had never seen an albino kangaroo... I was like well neither had I and it was an American show so it may have been a large white cat!?! So what do i do? I google it of course! I was right. It was an albino kangaroo! This discovery lead me to a whole array of albino animals! Some weird, some beautiful... some with 2 heads! Hang on! Stop! What? Yeah you heard me! 2 fucking heads!!! As you'll see below I came across a picture of a 2 headed albino rat snake! I researched this and it's legit! No photo-shopping here people! This lead me on a new quest... The quest for other 2 headed animals! Some were disturbing (I'm not putting any of those pics up) and some were amazing... Still beautiful just with 2 noggins! The purpose of these pics is not to point and look at the 2 headed freaks but more so, about how mother nature works in strange ways! I read about these animals to see what kind of life expectancy they had... They more severely deformed ones don't usually live long at all. All the pics I'm putting up are of animals that are still alive to the best of my knowledge. 


OK so first up... Albinos!


Ok so this is the albino Kangaroo that kick started my quest for the strange and unusual! I think it's really weird that we are the only country in the world to have native kangaroos but yet the first time I learnt about albino kanga's was off an American TV show!?! Yeah good one Australia! Morons! Next...






An Albino Zebra!!! How frickin awesome is that!!! He's white and a neutral tan colour so you know he will go with everything!!! Love it! How is it I've never heard about this shit!? I knew about cats and rabbits and that's about it!!! What the fuck are they teaching us at school? The next two are breathtaking!

White peacock! Just gorgeous! It looks like it has a giant antique lace fan attached to its butt! and I dig it!!! Not sure how he would go with 'the ladies' not having all those bright come hither feathers but I'm sure a few special pea-hens think this dude rocks out with his (pea)cock (tail) out and I do too! The next one is my favourite!

Now apparently for some reason these lions aren't classified as albinos? It's not a pigmentation defect that's causing them to have this magnificent white mane. I didn't get into the why's or the how's coz I was on a mission. I had to include him because he is one of the most stunning animals I have ever seen... as you can image this breed of lion is very rare and exclusive to just one part of Africa.
                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Albino squirrel... With huge fucking nuts!!! Yeah he's white! Good on him but who cares when you got those furry little fuckers dangling in your face!!! Wow-za!!!






Now... I'm not going to lie. There were other pics of albino gorilla's but NONE of them had the spunk of this guy! He's like I'm comfortable with who I am! I know you want me... so come! LOVE ME!!! Hahaha! And is it just me or is this guy a splitting image of Doctor Zaius? This guy is a star and I want to see more of him! I can guarantee you this guy gets more gorilla poonani than he knows what to do with! 5 gold stars for being an albino gorilla and rocking the absolute fucking shit out it!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyYY96wcj50



Now this two headed albino rat snake is legit! I checked a few sources to make sure it wasn't photo-shopped and is still alive etc. It's the real deal. It eats with both mouths and it has 2 independent brains... Which causes the heads to constantly attack and bite each other!!! Hahaha! I'm serious! I suppose they would want to go different ways or whatever and then they get into arguments!?! 




From here I asked myself is there other 2 headed animals who despite there odds live a happy healthy life? The answer was yes... There was actually a two headed kitten born right here in Perth. She was perfectly healthy and not the first of her kind. She doesn't have 2 heads... more like two faces. Only one mouth can eat but because of them sharing a stomach the other kitty gets the same nutrients as the kitty who can eat. Both kittens can meow and purr. Some people would say put it down, it's not fair. Well personally as long as it's not in any pain and it seems happy then I think it deserves a chance to live. As long as the owner is responsible enough to look after the creature and not try and make money out of it then I think it should live. 

This kitty is neither an albino nor does he have two heads! But he does have 4 ears! His hearing is fine and he lives a normal life... He just obviously couldn't decide if he wanted pointy ears or round ones so he chose both! He looks a little like Yoda! MMMM YODA!!! YOU SEEK YODA!!!



I was going to talk about a run in I had with ANOTHER family member, just today actually but I'm still a bit pissed and could possibly crap on in a hysterical  fashion for several hours so I will save it for when it's not so raw... It's no big deal I just want it to settle. In place of that shit I've had a friend ask for my advice on some skin care products. Below are her questions! I will attempt to answer these proficiently! 


QUESTION:
Ok so here it goes LOL a week late I'm after a moisturizer to put on under my make up and then a facial wash set eg like cleanse, tone, moisturize, exfoliate whatever the regime is I don't mind lol I just want something that works now I've tried clean and clear didn't really help much, I'm now trying the Clearasil ultra stuff, and I'm using neutrogena and dove make up removers but i want something to clean my skin before bed at night after I've cleaned the make up off. I cant justify spending a fortune on proactiv cos i didn't see that great results from it so I'm wondering if theres something I can buy from the supermarket that works just as good or does the same job?! Ive been trying a few now but over wasting my money on shit that doesn't work or does the same job as cheaper shit LOL any who so if you have any suggestions or products i can try id greatly appreciate it! Thanks Lovely ♥

ANSWER:
I don't really believe in "sets" as I find there are very few available where all 3 or 4 products in the set are brilliant. I'm sure they're out there but I stopped looking after spending the first few hundred dollars. Straight up I'm going to say this: fuck Proactiv! There a many other products out there that contain the same level of 2.5% benzoyl peroxide that don't make you sign your life away. The only reason I think this shit works is because when people are paying $60 at a time they are guna make sure they use it as per the instructions. We all do it... We know we should cleanse twice a day but it doesn't always happen. If you pay $60 upfront for the shit and they tell you to cleanse, tone & moisturise twice a day... You're guna fucking do it aren't ya?! Especially considering the people this product is aimed at- teenagers- dont usually have a lot of cash so they aren't about to waste it by not using the product as recommended!

There's lots of ingredients for fighting acne or pimples. Most notably theres benzoyl peroxide- Proactiv's key ingredient, salicylic acid and glycolic acid. Now one person may swear by one and curse another. It all really depends on the individual but my advice is to come at it as a 2 pronged attack! As in combine 2 different types of acids in your routine to really fuck shit up... In a good way!

I'm just guna jump from that for a tick and cover your question about makeup removers. If you're cleansing before bed, you only really need a make up remover for eye make up. Most make up removers contain alcohol or oil (to remove waterproof makeup) If you don't feel your cleanser is getting the make up off (this can be a problem with colorstay foundation) then cleanse twice or cleanse and exfoliate. Some people will tell you not to exfoliate daily but if it's a mild exfoliant and you're not in there trying to tear the shit out of your face you should be fine. Another way to go is cleanse once... thoroughly then use a toner. Which brings me to my next point!

Toner! Do you or don't you? Basically what's it for? Well toner has 2 main purposes. A) to return your skins PH balance to normal after cleansing and B) to remove anything your cleanser missed... including excess cleanser. Now in my opinion if you're using a good cleanser and rinsing it off properly then you don't need a toner. Astringent however is toners buffed up steroid ridden cousin. It helps get rid of excess oil and the alcohol that most contain also give the appearance of shrinking your pores.
 
I am not anti alcohol- especially on the weekends when the kids are in bed!- but I would say be wary and use sparingly. Essentially alcohol is great for drying out your skin. But by doing so this can send your skin into emergency mode and make it think: fuck I'm dry! Up oil production stat! Obviously this is something you don't want!

Moisturiser: Don't not moisturise because you have oily skin. Make sure your using and oil free water based emollient rather than an oil based one. If you don't moisturise you're skin can think it's dry and up oil production as with the toner. The thing with skin is it can be oily and dehydrated at the same time! Dry is lacking oil. Dehydrated is lacking water. A simple test for dehydration is to go up to your mirror and with your index finger gently push the skin on your cheek upwards. Look closely at the gathered skin... Is it crepey (Not creepy! Hahah!)? As in are there fine lines present or does it look plump? If lines are present you're skin is dehydrated. Get to drinking your 8-10 glasses of water a day stat!

Also look at your diet... If you're not getting enough fruit and veggies look at taking a multi vitamin and even a supplement for hair skin and nails just to pick up the slack of any faults in your diet.

My Recommendations:

Cleanser: MD FORMULATIONS GLYCOLIC CLEANSER. Now I know you said you were after cheaper solutions but as far as cleansers go I can not go past MD Formulations Glycolic Cleanser for Sensitive skin! It's dermotologist tested, wont clog pores, has a whopping 12% glycolic acid and is PH balanced. It's not cheap but will last forever. You can get the professional 475ml pump bottle for $79. Which will last you forever! There's also the 250ml bottle for $48 or you can get the trial size to see how you like it for $17 which is a 60ml bottle. These are ebay prices. Buying this from a salon will cost you much more and you probably will only be able to get the 250ml version.

Toner: BIORE TRIPLE ACTION ASTRINGENT: This contains salicylic acid, and claims to unclog pores and reduce shine. It penetrates pores to clear away dirt, oil and blackheads. I have used this before and thought it was quite good. It says you can use it twice a day but I would start off on once a day for the first few weeks just to let your skin adjust to your new routine.

Moisturiser: Clean and clear have an oil free moisturiser so does Neutrogena. Garnier has a daily moisturiser which is for problem skin. It didn't specifically say OIL FREE though, so I would check.

Treatment Spot gel: There's a huge market for this type of product. Most will contain one of the 3 acids I've discussed earlier. I was reading a few reviews on the most common ones like neutrogena rapid clear, clean and clear and clearasil. Basically they either work or they dont. There's people who swear by them and a whole bunch of people who hate the stuff. The product I like best is Zapzyt. It's not available in Australia but you can get a tube on Ebay for about $12. It's oil free and contains 10% benzoyl peroxide. It fights acne and blackheads. This should be applied after cleansing and toning. Apply wait 5 mins then apply moisturiser.

Exfoliator/ Scrub: At least a few times a week I would exfoliate. Nothing too harsh or scratchy but this will help remove any surface dead skin and oil and give your skin a glow. Try a few out. They're all pretty decent. I like Garnier's Pure range... There's a few different scrubs they have. I like the one that can be used as a mask also. I think it's about $13 and it claims to be a cleanser, a scrub and a mask all in one. To use it as a scrub just use clean fingers to massgae the beads into moistened skin. Do this for about a minute... Working mostly on your problem areas. To use a s a mask I apply a thick layer after cleansing and relax for 15 before rinsing and continuing my routine as per usual.

Mask: I would do this either weekly or fortnightly. If your skin is getting a bit dry from the shock of your new skin regime I'd go with the 10-0-6 oatmeal mask... It will still give you a deep clean but it's also nourishing. If dryness isn't an issue then try 10-0-6's clay mask. Using masks isnt essential but it is a nice treat.

Hope this helps. My advice is to at least try the MD Cleanser. I think that will help. If you find youre skin is getting a bit too dry get back to me and I will adjust the program for you.

Lastly, one of the best things I did for my skin was switching birth control pills. Diane 35 is a bit pricier than regular contraceptive pills and it's not available for pensioner discount but in my opinion it's worth the price. You'll need to give it a couple of months though and DONT get the generic brand... no matter what they tell you... It's shit!

Hope this has helped! If you have anymore questions or if I missed something let me know!

So Kiddies! That wraps it up once again! I must hobble off and plonk my ass on the couch, as Aunt Flo is coming for a visit and I'm in PAIN!!! Too much Info? Sorry.... But not really! Hahahaha!

Until next time... Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxoxo

This last pic IS photo- shopped,obviously but I laughed so hard when i saw it i had to include it in my post!!! Redneck Yokel dog! Love it!