Criminal Intent: Jenna! The younger years!!!

My week so far! Well Logan came home from his Nan's (Todd's Mum... Not mine! God knows I wouldn't subject my kids to that) and my poor fatty had really bad allergies! :o(  He was all red and puffy. Poor baby looked like an inflatable lobster! So I gave him some medicine and it made him all dopey and kinda stoned! I'm not gunna lie... I like him drugged! Hahaha! He was all cute and giving me cuddles! He was one big doped out smoochy bear! As opposed to his normal kill die stab crazy attitude! He's normally throwing himself over the half wall into the office, or trying to eat the remote or head butting me! He doesn't do it hard but that doesn't mean he isn't nuts! Anyway so the allergies are gone but now he has gastro! He's never ever power chucked until yesterday! I swear to god I thought his head was going to start spinning! I had the priest on speed dial! 'The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!' The vomiting seems to be over, but the sharting is still very active! For those of you not familiar with the term sharting its when you go to fart and you end up shitting yourself! Yeah so poor little man cant stop shitting himself! But he's still happy so that makes it bearable! What a little champ!
 
Isabelle has been a good big sister though and gave her 'Baby Wogan' her glow worm to make him feel better! She was in the bath last night and asked me to help brush her teeth and I said 'no, you're a big girl, you're 4 now you can do it!' She said 'I'm not 4!' I was like 'yes you are!?' She said. 'No Mum! I'm not 4, I'm 21!' I was like hahahahaha ok then! Looper! Ps She still wants to marry me! Todd tried to call dibs on me but she got mad at him and started to cry!?! I've stalled her for now but she's a pushy little tart (I dunno where she gets that from!?) I'm guna have to plan a mock ceremony of something or I'll never hear the end of it! Hahaha!

My kids may both be nut nut nutty but at least they're not criminals like their Mummy was in her younger years! Hahaha! Seriously! I was quite the little destructo as a kid! Me being super cute was just a guise for a much more disturbing criminal agenda! From the age of about 4 I was committing federal crimes... Why do I get a feeling you're all laughing at me and doubting the above? Well it's true. I was deep into the criminal under world of mail theft by the young age of 4! I love mail! Did then. Do now! Love the shit! So much so that when Dad assigned me the awesome task of mail collector I took the job seriously... And as it turns out, a little too far! I would collect Dad's mail... Along with everybody else's within an eight house radius! Now at first I would just take all the mail to Dad... Thinking I done good!!! But I got in trouble for doing this! God Dad! What's your glitch!? Fuck! Plus he would go and put all the mail back in the neighbours letter boxes! Pffft! Unappreciative! AND counter-productive! After this happened I devised a new tactic! Dad had let me down and I couldn't stop now! I was getting a high that only fellow crim can even begin to comprehend! What to do? How could I fill my need for the illegal but avoid the consequences from Dad!?! I figured I would steal the neighbours mail and stick it down the drain! Hahahahaha. Seriously! Fuck knows what I was doing! This was definitely my most high profile crime but by no means was it my last!

These things! Fucking loved them!!!

From here I dabbled in petty crime... Like stealing the paint colour cards you get at Bunnings... For free. Ok so it's not illegal but I didn't know that! I would stuff them down my knickers! Then I'd sit like a retard in the car ride home because I had Solver's eggshell brisk stabbing my cooch!!! I had a whole collection! Now if you read my last post about my grandfather (Jesus) you'll know who I'm talking about... If you didn't well put it on your to do list! My dad was still in contact with Jesus until i was about 3 or 4. Jesus would comes visit us (I've never had to go looking for Jesus he was always just there! Convenient, really!) now once again I don't know why I did what I did but that didn't stop me from doing it! My grandfather drove one of those old school Holden's with HOLDEN written across the boot in little metal badges. I would go into full stealth mode and sneak behind his car and unscrew the letters. It wasnt easy. Sometimes I would spend a good half hour working on just one letter but most of the time I was successful. What did I do with the letters once I'd removed them from the car? Stuck them in the drain of course! My dad didn't know about this till years later when I decided to tell him about my crime spree! Dad started laughing and said 'that makes sense!' I was like 'huh?' Turns out one of the reasons Brian (Jesus) stopped coming around to visit was because we lived in such a "bad area" and he was tired of his car getting badged every time he came over!!!' Aaaahahaha! Now I'd have thought that being Jesus he could have just made himself a new badge... You know water into wine styles? Apparently the thought never occured to him?! 

And ^^^ those things! Loved them too!!!

Random story time!: I remember this guy i was seeing when I was about 19. Skinny little fag, had some issues... God knows what they were and fucked if I cared. He had a major complex about... Well pretty much everything. But he was ok looking and it gave me something/someone to do until I found someone who had bigger balls than I did. Anyway he took me to a hotel for the night. I went to bras and things and bought myself a cute little Kylie Minogue bra and g set! They didn't have my bra size and the sales chick tried to talk me into buying this fucking horrid lunch lady looking ensemble! I told her it didnt matter about the size as I was going to a hotel for the night... She wasn't too bright so I had to explain to her that: It wont be on long enough to be an issue! Then she looked embarrassed?! Dense bitch! Anyway! So we get to the hotel and I'm look mighty fine (those were the days) so I'm in my new underwear laying across the end of the bed trying to look sexy when... I over balanced and roll right off the bed and onto the floor, BANG! Face planting it! Ahahahahaha! Fuck me I laughed so hard! I mean wtf else could I do!? I then re-assumed the "sexy" position on the the floor and was like 'so yeah, how you doin?' 


There you have it kiddies! Another Day another blog! Hope you enjoyed yourself! 


Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxox