Reading this cant be good for you!

Originally Posted June 2016

I was writing a Facebook status just having an epically long, painful, fucking whinge about my morning. Precisely the events that occurred between about 8am and  9.05am... Anyway, shit got out of hand and turns out I can easily complain about a single hour in such detail that it just ends up way too long to be a fb status. So yeah... I kind of accidentally just wrote a blog post... This isn't my usual high quality, balls deep, depraved, top notch low brow shit. I'm just venting and sharing my suffering whilst displaying the fact that I am completely unable to write something concisely.

Who can write a post about 1 hour of their day?? Well for me it was a very very full on hour and 5 minutes. I had to make decisions like a real adult n stuff... Shit got real... I'm not gunna lie. There were times where I didn't know if I gave enough of a fuck to get shit done... And it sounds like I'm talking about some major shit... But my major shit is most people's minor shit. I felt like I was performing open heart surgery, whilst preparing a full 8 course banquet for the UN peace summit all while killing terrorists who'd been sent after me to jack off in the hollandaise sauce I prepared from scratch... Isn't  that a plot from a Van Damme movie? No? Well it fucking should be. Look into that for me, will ya? Ok. Awesome.

My mission... That the universe forced me into accepting was... To get the kids to school. Heavy, I know!

I may have been feeling *slightly* dramatic and a little over the top as the whole situation was unfolding... But who the fuck would wanna read something completely sane? If you answered "I do" then fuck off right now. This ain't the blog for you. Go jerk off with a lime or a 9 volt battery or whatever it is you normal boring fuckers do in your gazebos. Fucking gazebo loving, freakoid, twots!

l'm literally like you're own personal Meryl fucking Streep crossed with that M Night Shama-lama-ding-dong dude... So much intense drama and suspense just to end up with an aching arse hole. And not in a good way... If there's even such a thing as an enjoyable anal injury... I dunno... But if there is... This ain't that. Or maybe it is? Kinda lost what I was getting at there...

Anyway... Here is what started as a simple day and a simple status and then I just Jenna'd all over it to the max... I kinda Jenna'd on myself big time so a load of washing is now definitely on the cards. Mmmm that's good quishy. Fuck I'm so lost.

My morning has been a cunt-stacle course of monumental fuckedness. I couldn't find Logan's Ritalin so I had to get those...

$40 a month to prevent my son from burning down the house as we sleep is definitely an essential especially because without his drugs he may end up getting sent home for calling his teacher a dick head, again. But he always manages ro run out when we're low on cash. Lucky I don't have another kid or a BABY who needs stuff like food, formula, nappies etc... Oh shit... I do. Isabelle eats like she's a small asian man training for a hot dog eating contest and Jacob's a porky little fucker too. All he does is eat and shit. And shit and eat and he's cute... But really that's all that he's got going for him right now... At least until I hear a "Mumma" out of that fat little head of his... He's not really putting much back into this so called relationship.

But thank God I don't need my meds... Oh what.... I'm completely unhinged and my pharmacist gets moist just thinking how much my meds cost me on a monthly basis... And of course I need my drugs. Mummy must have her pills, money or no money or I'll have to hock my box for my pharmaceutical allowance. I tried that before. Somehow I ended up OWING money. Hahaha. Yeah...

Inner monologue: Ok, no dramas. I can totally do it all before the school siren goes. I have to get the kids lunch packs from the local shops anyway...

The universe: Nar cunt. Just... Nar.

Half way through just picking up the "essentials"... Which was apparently more than I thought... Even though I wrote a list... And actually stuck to it... Apparently my bare essentials aren't that fucking bare... Or light. I'm heaving this poxy, heavy as fuck basket around that's making me walk like Quasi-fucking-modo, coz I'm kicking my leg out as I walk around the shops.

I suddenly get a feeling that I should check my bank account... Account Balance $551.00 DEBIT!!! So I had to put a temporary hold on my shopping/ schmoozing and rubbing shoulders with societies elite and hidden gems that frequent the IGA and go straight to code brown. Also known as defcon farrrrrrk. After standing in the dairy isle long enough that the staff were visibly weirded out and walked away clearly feeling uncomfortable, I remembered...

Todd's with the Commonwealth Bank. You filthy slut. I love you. Thank fuck Todd's with CBA and they have that whole "cardless cash shit"... But the CBA ATM is at Maddington Central! And, bless them! They took the entire bank from across the road along with all the ATMs and put them inside the shops... Which is fun... Trying to find it... With 3 kids. You know, coz the Commonwealth Bank isn't a major bank or anything and of course the kind of people who use ATMs want to park, walk, locate and then use a fucking machine that has no business being inside and is only accessible during whatever the fuck time banks are open 5 days a week. Convenience is over rated! Give the twitching bean flicker a raise for that brilliant fucking idea. PUT ONE ATM OUTSIDE FOR FUCK SAKE.

So I got to just absorb all the eclectic, awesome, joyful vibes of both the residents of Kenwick AND Maddington all in one morning. They're just some really fucking awesome people who are totally thrilled with how their lives have turned out and even better they get to ride out the rest of this *Julie Fucking Andrews twirling on a mountain top* inspired life in this community of champions that only Kenwick and it's surrounds could assemble with such class, grace and sex appeal...

For the really slow people... I'm being sarcastic. Everyone is a shit cunt, living in a shit hole, too anally raped by life to just slash their fucking wrists and end the cluster fuck of a skid mark they call "living"... These fuckers make me look like the happiest, most clean cut, overly enthusiastic, positive mother fucker like EVER. And as you can tell by my super upbeat, happy go lucky VIBE I'm joyfully rolling with the awesome lay back groove thats flowing around me... Not!!!!!

So many faces that scream: drop kick, butt lick, old as shit, wrinkled, cracked out, chronic masturbating, sun damaged, botched rectum, mexican surgical procedure scarred, mofo's all with that "life smacked me with too many big black cocks over the last few decades" look in their eyes.

Go get the fucking cardless cash. Freak out over 8 digit pins, retinal and sphinter scanners required while I'm on the phone to Todd to get his 4 digit net code while the ATM keeps wanting to know if I need more time and beeping at me like a reversing truck. It was stressful. Got the code. Got the money. Drove back to the shops. Waited in an epic line of people I resent just for breathing. Get my shit. Pay. Pick up meds from chemist. Drug Logan. Feed the kids chocolate for breakfast. Drive them to school almost forget to give them the lunch packs I specifically went to the fucking shops to get in the place. The kids were late. But I did introduce them to Black Sabbath during our mission, so it was more educational than the "great hog cock shortage of 1929 and how that had a massive impact on absolutely fucking nothing at all" or whatever absolute fucking horse shit they're expecting my children to learn, retain and give a flying fuck about today.

Defeated mother fuckers. I need out. I hate this fucking place and this shit shack fucking house. And I need a new phone.

... Bahahaha. Sorry. Reading this back to myself and going from die die die, bring back the WW2 death camps, vote 1 Trump to... But, before I set you all on fire while you sleep... A new phone... Totally would change everything. And then rainbows n unicorns and glitter. WOW!!!! Yeah.... Made me laugh.

That simmered down and darted off in a totally different direction didn't it??? Anyway...

The fucker I'm borrowing has a smashed screen and 5 whole gigs of internal storage.. I've  smoked weed with more internal storage than this phone!!!

Boom. How the fuck is your day!?! Don't answer. The baby is now screaming... Probably wants to take a dump on me while I feed him.

Anddddddd I'm back to questioning what is it I'm getting out of all this.

Love your guts... Not as much as usual. Nothing personal. Or maybe it is. Stay on your toes, around me today.

Love Jen xoxo

You bought a Jeep???

This actually started out as Facebook status... Thing is I realised after the first few paragraphs of ranting, I'd pretty much written an epic "Lord Of The Rings" style saga and I thought it was well overdue for me to write a blog and  traumatise some mother fuckers! So this baby was born.  If this post was a DVD... This bitch would be well and truly OVERDUE!!! Luckily I don't have an obligation to write blog posts on a regular basis or I'd owe my readers a big wad... Either I'd be handing over a wad of cash or taking a wad of cum right in my mouth... Which realistically, with my financial situation, if I haven't taken a shot in the mouth or given a couple of hand jobs down at the local for extra cash by now, it ain't gunna happen.

First paragraph in and I've already mentioned tugging off randoms for money & copping a load in the mouth to clear a late fee for an overdue DVD that doesn't exist then somehow turned into a blog post??? Impressed? Or are you that use the crazy that you didn't even think twice and was just like... Oh that Jenna! She's still got "it"... And by "it" I'm referring to my chemical imbalance &/or improper dosages of my medications... "It" was not referring to that rash I had a while back... That's cleared up now with the assistance of some medicated cream... Bahahaha. Am I serious or am I fucking with you? Who knows! Least of all me!

So as I was saying before my meds wore off or kicked in or interacted with each other in some bizarre, spectacular, psychotic, scientific anomaly, which explains why I can never remember anything between the hours of 11.13am and 2.47pm every second Wednesday... Anyway... As I was saying before I went off on one of my trademark tangents... This post started out as Facebook status. I quickly realised I had entirely way too much to say... And luckily for you, I could actually be fucked typing it all out rather than just coming to the realisation I'm even more weird than I realised and doing nothing about it except sitting here feeling uniquely "special" and smug until Todd returned home and asked what the fuck was wrong with my face. I'm guessing he would have suspected my smug expression was probably gas or that I'd poisoned his beer or something. At which point I'd laugh and completely forget what the fuck I was doing just sitting there smugging the place up. As it is, I just finished that sentence and was thinking: fuck me, if I had a smug quota, I just filled that baby right to the top!

Want to know a secret? I've completely forgotten how this whole smug nonsense came about. Or what I have to be smug about in the first place... It's obviously not my short term memory. Fear not! I do proof read this shit I write and I'm sure it'll all come back to me! If not I can sit here and smugly read over the crap that passes for writing these days, and critique myself...

Oh that's right i was feeling smug about being a complete weirdo!?!

I love reading my old stuff (blog posts, status updates, old letters etc) and laughing my arse off at the shit that goes through my head and I praise the internet for allowing me to record these random thoughts and read them later while thinking "fuck me I'm funny". I make myself laugh more than anyone I know. That's not normal is it? I'm not sure if that makes me delusional, conceited or easily amused!?! Maybe all 3? I may be the first openly del-ceit-eas-ed person ever! Just made up my own word! Boom. AWESOME. Pow! So now I'm the first "Aw-del-ceit-eas-ed" person EVER. It's easier to pronounce than it looks... Say it with me: Awdelceiteased. Sounds German. I am German (partly) so that works on many different levels... Why. Just coz! See, that's totally a German thing too! Anyway... Now finally this status that became a blog post...

I've realised that I'm quite abusive towards my television. Well not physically abusive towards the TV itself... It's just the content that I'm subjected to that causes me to develop acute, uncontrollable, domestic appliance, violence! Bahahaha that rhymes! And it's not even the normal kind of abuse like yelling at the news about Iraq or politics or midgets being exploited by Colombian drug lords or whatever the fuck is on the news... I don't know. I don't watch the shit. Too depressing!!!

I grew up listening to my dad yelling at the news so there's gotta be some kind of residual trauma from that! So how am I different from my father? Well not in as many ways as I'd like but when it comes to the whole talking to the television thing... He gets really fucking mad! Like he goes right off his face. ALWAYS at the news!!! And he talks to it as if he expects answers! Whereas I go off at TV commercials. TOTALLY different, right!?! I especially hate commercials that tell me to do shit or ask me stupid questions... Some examples:

TV: Buy super large, extra absorbent, micro chipped, twot temperature regulating, tampons NOW!

Me: GET FARRRRKED!!!! I don't know who told you I need super large, technologically advanced, tampons but you have been misinformed, Sir! MIS-IN-FORMEDDDDD!!!! Make regular sized muff plugs with glitter and a built in iPod & then we'll talk!!!

OR commercials advertising yet another new sitcom! 

 TV: Join Trixie on her journey as she deals with divorce, menopause, life, love, loss, discovering crack cocaine, rehabilitation, STD's, butt plugs & drug relapses all as she realises her lifelong dream of becoming a poodle taxidermist..."

Me: Go fuck yourself, Trixie... Fucking toe rag! Get your fat pommy arse the fuck off my TV... Like right fucking NOW!!! And how the fuck did my TV end up on the UK channel anyway!?!? What the fucking fuck is going on here!?! Fucking Trixie!!! Cunt!"

Or the best ones are infomercials! With that atrocious "acting" that porn stars would be embarrassed by just sends me right off!

Years ago there was an advert for bronzer. It was a bad cheaply made Kiwi commercial which is just like a bad cheaply made Australian commercial, but with funny accents... So there was plenty to take the piss (or pus) out of... But it wasn't until the very end of the commercial that I decided I HAD to say something... The last "actor" was a guy... Now if this was an ad for self tanner or the gay pride festival was coming up I could understand their choice to include a guy...But why choose this dowdy looking prick, who thought WAY too highly of himself??? This product was a shimmery based powder! No straight man would be caught dead wearing it... Not even this pasty, virgin they pulled out of their arses at the last minute who clearly doesn't realise yet that he's gay! But all that aside the thing that shat me off was this guy claiming that "The chicks dig it!" But he was a kiwi so he said: "The chucks dug it!"

 Me: No, fuck head... The chucks do NOT dug it! 

This guy clearly still lived with his mum, had never had a girlfriend & was without a doubt still a virgin who collected Pokemon cards... Whose bright idea was this? Let's throw some guy into the commercial to try & double our sales! Not the worst idea I've ever heard, but why pick a guy who clearly isn't even wearing the fucking bronzer he's claiming that all these chucks are dugging!?! He's clearly on the homoerotic express straight to dong town, but yeah the "chucks" totally "dug" nerds who don't know they love anal yet! And the most irritating part? You could tell that he actually thought that ad was going to help him score some "chucks"! The only chucks that dude was scoring was from girls laughing so hard at him even trying to pick them up that they actually vomited out of their nose! Snot vomit, people! Snomit! 

Lastly & this one really grates my arse... Whoever the fuck came up with the new Jeep ads... Please die. Now!!! I've had better ideas for commercials in my shit!

You bought a jeep? I bought a jeep! You bought a jeep? I bought a jeep! You bought a jeep? Yeah, fucktard, I bought a mother fucking jeep?!?

Me: THE MOTHER FUCKER BOUGHT A MOTHER FUCKING JEEP! A wise choice in this economy!

Me in a ditzy voice: I'm a single female who lives in the suburbs and catches public transport to work every day. I've never been 4 x 4 driving in my life, nor do I have any desire to ever do so, so naturally I had to buy a huge petrol guzzling V8!

Why is the person asking the question like... You fucking fuck tard, you actually bought one of those heaps of shit? Are you fucking high? And the Jeep buying mother fucker doesn't even question why the other dip shit keeps asking them the same fucking question. Can you imagine Samuel L Jackson in one of these ads? You just know someones going to end up getting shot!

Me yelling at the TV: Are you fucking deaf? Yes, they bought a fucking Jeep. We've established that... Was your family raped, scalped, murdered & burnt by a tribe of vicious Jeep Cherokees, while you were forced to watch??? No? Then what the fucking fuck is your mother fucking damage??? Which part aren't you understanding?! How about you say it again and I'll ram the spare tyre right up your pisser! 

This ad just screams "Yeah we had nothing..." Instead of emphasising the word YOU they chose to emphasise the word JEEP... Which just sounds like... "You bought a JEEP... A fucking JEEP... Like on purpose??? Fucking why?" Instead they should have emphasised the word YOU. As in.., YOU have enough money to buy a Jeep??? Which could then be parleyed into a statement about it's surprising affordability! Which is still fucking irritating and insulting but not to the product they're trying to sell just to the person who apparently has earned a reputation as being a poor arse who can't afford to buy a car, let alone a Jeep... But whatever. They got paid for saying 4 words! Repeatedly! 

The fact that I figured out how to fix the botched ad by changing the emphasis from one word to another WHILE I was typing this just shows that either I should be in advertising or Jeep should stop airing their fucking commercials, fire all the staff responsible for allowing it to ever be seen in the first place & then it wouldn't leave me screaming... "Yes! They bought a fucking Jeep you window licking, cunt rash!!!! MOVE ONNNN!"

Yes, I have issues... We know this!!!

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo

So Many Fucking Windows!

Long time no blog!

This started out as a Facebook status, but to really do it justice I decided it should be a blog post.

By the time I post this... "today" is actually yesterday and "tomorrow" is actually today... Still with me!?! Ok

... So it was my first day of work today... I'm working for Toddy (or his company) cleaning up after filthy tradies and making houses pretty before the owners move in. How did it go, I hear you ask? Well...

I left the house late, then I had to line up to vote... And I mean LINE THE FUCK UP!!! It was bullshit. Anyway, I voted... Almost for the Weed Party just for shits and giggs, but I take my democratic right to vote seriously... So I voted for the Australian Sex Party... Coz I'll take a knob over a stick any day. Then after that mandatory crapola I went & grabbed myself a bottle of water (with lime- if you care... Fuck you, if you don't coz you can't unread what you just read, mother fucker! Bahahaha!)

Right! I'm set! I voted, I got my cleaning shit Tetris'd to fuck in my boot, I got my water (lime flavoured- ha!), got the address of the job in my GPS and... I'm off!

2 minutes before arriving at my 'destination' I realise that despite clearly typing, William Street WATTLE GROVE into my GPS, the piece of shit takes me to William Street in BECKINGHAM!!! It's only like 15 minutes away, but seriously TomTom... What the fucking fuck!?!

So I get to the job... Finally... At 11am! Fuck! Then there's half a driveway... Meaning I have to walk my boot load of odd shaped & heavy shit all the way to this huge fucking cunt of a house... Seriously it was a mother fucker. Not to mention the neighbours, who had obviously just moved in and decided to invite everyone they'd ever met in their entire fucking lives to come and view their new dwelling. And between the looks I was getting and the noises I heard I think they hadn't ever seen houses before. Fucking warpo tent people!

So I get inside the house away from the tent people... And all I could think was... Whoever the fuck designed this heap of shit needs a swift kick in the cunt! I could crap in my hand, ditch it at the wall, use a stick to mark a few key points and have designed a better house!

I set up my music, took a step back and realised... I don't even clean my own house... What the fuck am I doing here cleaning someone elses? And don't get me wrong... I CAN clean... I just don't like it... And cleaning my own house is totally different to a builders clean. I know what I have to do (sort of) but there's so much shit to clean and I don't want spend anymore time there than I have to... But it's not in me to half arse anything... But I need to make this shit happen as fast as possible for it to be worth the money.

Then shit just went from fucked up to Miley Cyrus at the VMA's... I'd brought several different industrial strength cleaners which I had diluted down into cute little squirty bottles... Which didn't fucking squirt... Fuck! I fill a bucket with soapy water and wash the windows... After I remove the tape from the frames... Along with half the plaster! Not my fault though... Shit plasterer! Seriously... Todd said it was a crap plastering job and it couldn't be helped. But he wasn't there when I started so I was already like... Fucking failed, ya fucking Slag! Anyway back to the window washing... Windows washed... Well 4 of them... And that's just ONE room... Oh fuck... I have to vacuum the tracks... And they're all wet... It's ok! I have a wet/ dry vacuum! No, it's not ok... The fucking nozzle for window tracks is way too fucking big and I can't get it in close enough to suck the shit out. I bashed the end of the nozzle with my pink hammer from my pink tool set Toddy got me.... It cracked the fucker (the nozzle not the hammer) but it made no difference.

Water break! It's 1.30pm! What the fucking fuck, Batman!?! 2 and a half hours and I've removed some tape, cleaned 4 windows, realised I forgot my cute little tool belt/ apron thingy, thought about telling Todd he was a cock stain for getting me into this fucking horse shit and smashed the end of my vacuum nozzle in an attempt to suck wet sand and plaster out of the 4 fucking windows I cleaned! I felt like I was in the god damn twilight zone from hell!

Anyway, so I decide to clean the rest of that area from top to bottom... Which I do well... BUT wait... Apparently I wasn't supposed to wipe down & clean all the surfaces n shit until I've got rid of all the dust & dirt off the floor in the entire house coz that shit floats around... Meaning that I'm more than likely gunna have to redo the kitchen, which was pretty much the only bit of the house I was like... Yeah, that looks good... Don't slash your wrists in this room, Jen... This room looks ok!

I ended the day by cleaning the ensuit and the other crapper... Which some filthy cunt pissed in and didn't flush! Mmm stagnant urine! So after 7 of the longest fucking hours of my life and darkness approaching I look around... It looks like I've done sweet fuck all.

The pain sets in!!! The immediate head pain at the thought of Tetris'ing all the shit back into my boot. The physical pain of working my arse off. But mostly the horrific and traumatic pain of realising I have to come back to this shit stain of house AGAIN tomorrow!

I will need a huge can of redbull, a lot of drugs, some anti inflammatories (coz I'm literally walking around like I've shat myself) and the cleaning gods to stop arse fucking me. I'm not even half way done! I'm just going to have to go hard, get into stripper mode and work that pole like the rent was due yesterday...

But seriously I knew I was going to hate it but I'm just hoping I can grow to not absolutely fucking dispise the it. Maybe when everything doesnt go wrong, I have half a clue, my ADHD isn't making me be like... Broom... Squirrel!, I get my equipment (not my vag- that's fine) working properly and I can clean one house in a day... I'll feel a little less suicidal.

I can deal with hating something I'm doing for money, but I can't handle FUCKING hating something, I feel like I'm totally getting no where with, no matter what the money is like. All that I thought all day was: This is fucked, I'm failing and I'd rather be a stripper!

Then I was like... Melbourne... October... Spending money... Go scrub that shitter! Now to hobble around and get shit sorted for a fail-proof take 2!

Wish me luck! Ps I fucking hate windows... Don't ask the details or reasons... They're just cunts. Get on board or fuck off!

Love ya, guts!!!

Love, Jen xoxo

Chunky Asses!

Fucking hell! It's been 6 weeks since I last posted a blog! 6 god damn mother fucking weeks! Not acceptable! Not fucking acceptable... "What's your glitch bitch?", I hear you screaming, while you repeatably head butt your computer screen and possibly thumb your own butt!? My answer: Fuck knows!


I started this whole diet and exercise bullshit about the same time I stopped actively blogging so my theory is... I can only really concentrate on one thing at a time... Even if that one thing is thinking up an excuse NOT to get my chunky white ass on my treadmill. I've been on this health kick shit for about 6 weeks. I've lost 4 kilos...Which is bullshit considering the amount I DON'T eat, the drugs I'm on to help my skinny quest plus considering how chunkified I am, the weight should be falling off at this stage... So yeah, fucking frustrated! There's always guna be something chaffing my ass... This week, it's that! I think, also the main thing that's pissing me off is there's so many different, extreme, fucked up, miracle promising, bullshit diet/ exercise regimes and I'm just like... Surely it can't be that fucking hard! There's low carbs, no carbs, no fat, calorie counting, calorie cycling, counting points, weird hormone injections, juice diets, diets without juice, diet pills, diet patches, etc etc. But enough about me and my constant struggle to try and run away from my own ass!


Right! Now for some funny shit! No real theme to this post... Just some randomness and bit of haha! Enjoy, my faithful little butt sluts! (Don't worry if you're not into the butt sluttery... There's always time! Mwahaha!)

This is fucking hilarious because 'Jason' remains completely clueless as to WTF the joke is! 5 gold stars to 'Adam' for taking the piss in such a fantastic and unrelenting fashion!
It's bumps on your dick! Hahaha! 

WHAT THE FUCK is a non gender child???

At first, I thought this was funny due to the EPIC camel toe of the chick in the full body Lycra suit thingy... Until, I noticed the chick behind them ramming her hand in her own ass! Personally, I prefer to keep my phone in my bag or my bra! 

Ummm... Even if I was pro anal and/ or seeing a blue dog with a pole coming out of it's ass, this is still really fucking weird!

Just in case you can't read this note:
"I AM RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE YOU THINK I FARTED WHEN I DIDN'T. PS YOU ARE MEAN.
I laughed my ass off when I read this. Then I showed Todd, and he also shared the giggles... I went on t say, 'If i found this note from one of our kids, I'd laugh for like an hour and then go and look for them... Todd said I should look first, then laugh... I was like, "Pffft... You go out and look I'll stay home and laugh about the kid/s leaving home because of some hilarious mistaken fart incident!
FART-GATE 2011!
 Bags the rights to the movie version!

Hahahaha! But, seriously that would not be something you'd expect to see in your rear view mirror!

Aaaahahahaha! I don't know what the fuck to say about this one!

WHAT?!? and WHY!?!

Seems legit!?

Asians: World leaders in permanently and thoroughly fucking up young children!

Nothing funny about this... It's just way too cute not to share! 

  

So that's it for now, Kiddies! I will definitely not wait another 6 weeks before posting another blog, PROMISE!!! 


Until then...


Love ya guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Up to my arm pits in shit! Fucking LITERALLY!!!

First thing's first! I am currently typing this post on my epic new laptop! It is AWESOME-NESS personified! It is totally fucking mind blowing-ly turbo charged to the MAXIMUM possible extreme allowed by the laws of the universe!!! This would not be possible if not for the donations of some super fan-tab-u-lous people! They didn't have to help me, but they did anyway, for no other reason other than the fact that I asked. Their generosity amazed and surprised me and honestly, I am and always will be, forever thankful! Who are these wonderful giving, souls? Well, without further ado, I present my heroes! Yaaaaayyyyy! Weeeeeeee! Oh and if you enjoy my blog, then you owe them a thank you, too, otherwise there would be no blog! 

Hahaha WOW that's freaky!

And to everyone else who wanted to donate but couldn't, your support and encouragement was/ is amazing and means the world to me, so thank you! Honestly! THANK YOU!!! I'd be no where without my loyal, nutty and awesome readers!


NOW!!! On to the good stuff...


So, you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while (about 2 weeks- which for me is a life time!) I've been in a shitty funk so I didn't want to write a blog that lead to mass suicides or even worse, gave the impression I support emo-ism! Besides not wanting to write negative shit, I actually had NO desire to blog. NONE! This has never happened before! There's been times I've been tired or just not 'feeling it' so I've postponed posting for a day or 2 but this is totally different. The possibility of giving the whole blogging gig away altogether even seriously crossed my mind. I was just feeling OFF!

Yeah, a little like this... And a bit like... This...

But obviously, you're reading this... Which means I'm writing it... So, not all is totally lost. Before you freak out and heave your PC at a wall because you figure I'm going to go through every single shitty detail of why I'm in a poxy mood... Relax... I'm not going to bore you with my shit! Plus, I just popped a couple of Valium so I don't remember half of it anyway! Half of what!? Eg-fucking-zactly!

So ever since having my beautiful fat boy, Logie-Bear, almost 2 years ago I have been very un-awesome! I had a difficult pregnancy, which I basically went through alone because my hubby was working away 4 weeks at a time. Then I got post natal depression. Which is a mother fucker. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar movies made me hysterical and if anyone witnessed this, they would have been like... "Woah! That bitch needs a padded cell and some Enya STAT!" Although, I think the Enya would have pushed my right over the edge! So yeah that happened. My Prozac no longer worked...Booo! So, I went on a new drug and was ok.

My problem is, 2 years on, I feel fucked again and I don't feel like myself... At fucking all! It's not post natal (which I don't any more). I have depression. But, this is beyond depression and beyond post natal... There's a difference... Just trust me. I just feel shit! I eat fuck all and can't lose weight, I'm tired, I have headaches, blah blah blah. So I'm pretty sure I have a retarded thyroid! Fucking window licker! But, I wont know until Friday when I see my doc so fingers crossed it IS thyroid coz then I can get some drugs, make some appropriate changes and then, hopefully once again I can rock out with my cock out... Or jam out with my clam out... *Disclaimer there with be no actual clam exposure!

I think, not knowing and wanting to get this bullshit sorted is part of what's doing my head in. That and a whole heap of other crap that's happened in the last week.

So fingers crossed for me, please and I'll let you all know whats going on when I know!

Anyway! So last night I totally redefined the meaning of having a shit day! Like, fucking epically! Logan isn't really pro having his afternoon nap so once he's down for a sleep it's literally like no one make a god damn noise... If you have to fart or something... Don't... Or spread your cheeks and puff it out! One of the other rules is, I told Isabelle if she just does wees while he's asleep, don't flush. This is because she smashes the toilet seat down like it owes her money, climbs on it, flushes, usually while yelling 'Mummy, I flushed!'

Ok, so you get the picture... Logan's napping, Isabelle's gone to pee 'x' amount of times and I had to poop... Sorry but, it happens! I didn't even look in the bowl until I stood up to flush... I swear there was a fucking ROLL's worth of toilet paper in there. So, I flush the toilet and.... Blob blob blurb... The water fucking rises! I'm like FAAARK! I waited, hoping it would get it's shit together (excuse the pun) and go down, but no! Not owning a plunger, I tried to push it all down with the toilet brush... Which turns out wasn't long enough and just resulted in me dunking my hand in piss and shit as well as having nards embedded in the bristles of the brush... By this time, Todd's heard my panic and yelled from the lounge room asking "What the fuck, I was doing!?" I'm like "the toilets blocked! I'll fix it! Don't fucking go in there! I will fix it! DON'T GO IN THERE!!! He laughed at me and said "Jesus, woman! How big was your shit!?" I just yelled "FUCK UP, TODD!!!!"

So, I got a big stick that usually resides in my window sill, to try and jam the paper and shit down the 'S' bend... It wasn't flexible enough... So I ran out the back, (while once again reiterating to Todd "don't you fucking go in there!") to cut off a length of garden hose... Longer than than the stick... And flexible! It. Did. Not. Work!!!


So, I did what I had to do when faced with a bowl full of my shit and piss... I went in... I faced my shit demon! Well, my arm did... I know, I know! Fucking gross! So, I basically looked like one of those farmers who puts their arm up a cow... I'm slowly moving chunks of toilet paper and shit around, while thinking... Not much really, other than turd, turd, paper, turd, paper... Then finally, after what seemed like 4 hours, and throwing my shoulder out from contorting my arm to the shape of the 'S' bend, the fucker unblocked and it all went down the shitter... Literally!

This was followed by me scrubbing my arm like I was prepping for surgery, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing my arm again, pine-o-cleen-ing my entire arm, yelling to Todd "I never want to be a plumber!", before showering... Vigorously...Taking a handful Valium (with my LEFT hand- just in case), followed by trying not to crap ever again! So, before you tell me 'you had a shit week".... SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking hell no, you didn't!!!

Totally me... I wasn't rocking the devilish smile, though! (At least, I don't think so... I couldn't see my own face- No mirror in my crapper... Any more.)

ALMOST ME! Except no stilettos... And this chick has no arse... Or vagina?

So, there you have it! I apologise if you vomited!


Until next time (which hopefully wont be so fucking long!)...


Love your guts!


Love, Jen xoxo

Jen's 50-ish Life Rules For Winners!

Bare with me, for a moment while I step out of the twilight zone...I'll get back to that in a minute. But first, it could be to do with the fact that I'm on like 6 different kinds of counter productive drugs, or it could be the fact that it's late at night and whilst, normally I have no fucking attention span, due to some freak occurrence that almost always happens after midnight and always when I am alone... For some reason, I become VERY easy to please in regards to what TV programs I will watch... Which is pretty much anything. I guess it's kind of like being stoned... Except not at all. Confused? Yeah, I'm totally fucking lost. Wow... And I'm back.... Ok, so I can sit there and watch something, I am NOT enjoying at fucking all, for long periods of time and usually with my mouth agape... Literally... I look like one of those 'real' sex dolls... Except my vagina isn't removable... Actually, that was an overly bold statement, considering I've never tried removing it. Hang on... Yeah, it's most definitely NOT removable...

Something like this... But less Asian!

Lost again! Where was I? Twilight zone. Drugs. Midnight. Drugs (again). TV. Stoned. NO. Lost. Found myself. Mouth open. Sex doll... Vagina! Ok, yes! So, I can sit and watch fucking SHIT... Intensely. Intensely? Either intensely or it's the most awake form of being asleep there is... Whatever! I fucking told you to bare with me! Twilight zone! Ok so, I was literally just in my lounge room before I started this and I had only walked in there to turn the TV down but not off as I like a little background noise as I search for free porn... Not really... 


I'm not that interesting. So I walk in, turn the TV down (well, technically the stereo) as planned... Then instead of walking back out, I sit down... What was this shit? I wondered. It's shit, why do you care? Walk away! Get up and walk the fuck away! You have shit to do and its late, just walk the fuck away! But no, I sit down... Now thankfully I only sat down to watch this 'shit' for like 5 minutes tops... But normally... Before midnight, 2 seconds and I'd be like "NO! Fuck off!" But, it was after midnight and I was enamoured with this crap-fest! I even pressed the 'info' button on the remote and found out it was 'The Pirates of Penzance'... In the 5 minutes that followed I learnt 3 things...

Yes, this shit!

                                                                                                                                                                
1) Apparently all pirates are raging homo-sexuals? I mean, I'm not surprised... All those men out at sea, no women, wooden legs left and right. All that wood! Mmm! Scurvy and wood! WOOD. Wood is good! Would you... Fucking aye... Wow and once again... Right outta left field... If I went any more left of field I'd end up... Right!? 


2) Angela Lansbury, shits the fuck out of me. It's her fucking head! God, it fucks me right the fuck off! This 2nd fact took me totally by surprise. I've never much thought about the woman before tonight but for the 30seconds she was in the 5 minutes worth of the movie, I watched I wanted her to feel pain and, I wanted to cause it! Wait... Is she dead? I just Googled it... No she's not dead. How is that possible? She must be like 180! What the fuck? Devils work that is! How is she not dead yet? Hmmm project! I'm kidding! I am not going to whack the 'Murder, She Wrote' lady! Maybe just some mild stalking and 1 or 2 well time kicks in the head... And

3) I want Kevin Kline's thigh high boots...Not specifically the ones he was wearing... I do not wish to share musty thigh odours with old Kev-bo! Plus I'm like 5" 1' so thigh high boots on him would end up being labia high boots on me... Friction.... Mmm... And it brings new meaning to the story of puss in boots, doesn't it?

Anyway! So, I feel better now that I've shared my feelings about that! In this post I am giving you 50-ish rules to live by... Or die trying... Although that kind of defeats the purpose so stay alive mmm-kay!?! Some of these are borrowed. Some are from friends but most of them are mine! ENJOY!!!


* If you have to tell everyone how fantastic you are... Then you're not!


* Don't put yourself down. There's plenty of people willing to do it for you! If you are one of those people who puts themselves down, hoping for a compliment... Everyone is onto your shit, or they soon will be! Grow up!


* Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are good for you. The right person should make you a better person, without you faking it or having to try. If you bring out the worst in each other, it'll never work!

* Don't use the 'N' word! It's fucking disgusting and either makes you look like a fucking try hard Eminem wannabe or just an ignorant fuck. It's not, so much that it's racist but that the people who 1st used were ALL inbred child molesters and fucking brain dead bigots, who believed themselves superior because they ran slow, had small penises and could get sun burnt!


* Girls... You either show legs or boobs... Not both. Any shorts that hurt you vag are not a good choice. Any skirt that isn't allergy safe is also a bad idea.. What the fuck is allergy safe? Well, if there's any risk of you sneezing and your twot popping out... It isn't allergy safe! Also if you plan on getting smashed (although, I advise against this as it's not a good look) wear pants and secure your boobies in place!

I can still see your wonky eye!!!

* Boys: in a dessert island/ life in prison type situation... Remember you're only gay if you receive. Coz then your butt hole takes on the role of the vagina!


* Don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face... They'll ALWAYS find out!


* If you want something to stay a secret... Don't tell ANYONE.


* Also, if you want everyone to know something just tell someone it's a secret... Everyone will know by lunch time.


* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed.


* A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.


* No man has ever been shot whilst doing the dishes.


* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


* Never lick a steak knife.


* If you find an insurance policy with death AND dismemberment cover... Buy it!


* Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex, by asking her 'if she wants to have sex.'


* Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.

WHY???

* Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.


* Also, don't get a tattoo on your penis or of your penis.


* If you are suss about someone... Shut the fuck the up! It's amazing the shit people will tell you, just to avoid an uncomfortable silence!


* Never stay in a motel... But if you must make sure there are no paintings of either Roy Orbison or John Wayne on the walls.


* Never wear a bow tie... Only 2 kinds of people wear bow ties... Pee wee Herman (who looks like a child molester) and clowns! Who ARE child molesters! Get my point!?


* If, while with friends, your partner gives you that look like you should just shut the fuck up... NEVER EVER say 'WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR!?" Trust me, you'll find out later!


* Spell check and read your resume at least 3 times before sending it to anyone! I have gotten jobs based on my fuck up free resume!




* Don't ever wear bra's or shoes that don't fit


* Check your make-up in at least 3 different lighting schemes when going anywhere where other people are taking photos


* Always try and have all pictures of yourself taken on YOUR camera... That way you can delete the shitty ones!


* Anyone who tells you "you look like an interesting person" has imagined sticking large un-lubed objects in your anus!


* You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

* Girls! Your eyebrows Should be in perfect proportion to the rest of your face... So many of you of you have it so so wrong! The picture to the left is a FULL-PROOF guide to shaping your brows! Get a long thin make-up brush or a pencil. Hold it in line with your nose as per line 1 in the picture. Your brows should start directly in line with the outer corner of your nose. Keep the brush next to your nose and turn it out so it sits on the outer corner of your eye. This is where your brows should end. As per line 3. As for the arch or highest point of your brows, look straight ahead. The outer edge of your iris (the coloured part) is where your arch should be as per line 2. See! Easy! Don't over pluck. You'll like like a crack head.


* Long hair is almost always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair... By then you're stuck with them. The hair gets shorter and the pants get higher!




*NEVER, for any reason cry during or after sex... It's just weird!


* Men believe that yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


* Girls! If a man says something that you can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, they usually meant it the other way.


* If somethings smells it's either really good cheese or really bad meat... If it's anything besides cheese... Don't eat it!


* ALWAYS listen to your gut! 99% of the time it's right. The other 1% of the time you probably just need to take a shit!


* Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.


* You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners. 


* Falling in love is a sure way to gain 10 kilos. 


* Getting dumped is a sure way to lose 10 kilos. 


* Every one's better looking when they're younger... Unless they're not!

Old age is a mother fucker!

* Boys, if you decide to set the mood by lighting candles... Only light however many candles you can, in half the time it takes you to "complete" your "transaction"... I'm talking about EJACULATION!!!


* Never talk to down to your partner, especially in front of your mates... If they're half decent mates this will make them think less of you.


* You should NEVER insult someone in their own home! If you wanna insult them, invite them to your's!


* There's always someone better looking, nicer, smarter, richer and better in bed than you... Don't hate them for it, coz there's someone who is better than them too!


* Always wash your arm pits and ass crack/dick and balls/ muff twice... Once when you first get into the shower and once just before you get out.

THAT is what the sun does to your skin!

* Sun cream stops you from getting burnt! Not from getting tanned! Wear it! Unless looking like an old dude's leathery brown nut sack sounds like a good look for a 40 yea old!


* Don't add work colleagues (especially bosses) or family members on Facebook. Family are not friends. They are family. They don't find jokes about you loving anal or smoking crack like a mother fucker, amusing and chances are, being family they're already convinced your a crackhead whore before you wrote about it on Facebook.


* Don't share every aspect of your life on a social network and then suddenly wonder how every mother fucker who can read seems to know everything about your life!


* In a job interview when asked what your WORST habit is never tell the truth! It's a trick question! I've always gone with: I'm a bit of a perfectionist with an attention to detail and I annoy myself, sometimes! It's answering the question but really, and it's not a bad thing.



* Never stick your hand, where you wouldn't stick your dick! (You can stick you dildo any where you like.)

Relevant? No! Funny? Yes!

So... That's it! My advice on... Well, a bit of everything really!

Until next time...

Love your guts!

Love, Jen xoxo