Bang Bang... My baby shot me down!

I rang my Dad this morning no answer... I leave a message. He rings me back and I'd just woken up from a lovely nap and Todd hands me the phone and I yawned and was like "sorry Dad, just woke up" he's like that's ok "we (him and my brother) didn't get to bed till like 4am" or some shit... Of course this statement was followed by me asking "why?"... Which was quickly answered with "we were at the cop shop". Now, at this stage my interest hasn't really peaked coz, well quite frankly it's my Dad! He's not a common criminal or anything! There's absolutely NOTHING common about his crimes at all! Hahaha I joke I joke! My Dad isn't a saint, but he's not stupid when it comes to his 'extra-curricular activities' like most people... So if he's at the cop shop I know it's something someone else has done not something he has done... 


Anyway so he just ever so casually starts telling me this fucking buck wild, fly by the seat of your pants, outlandish story which, if it had been anyone else telling it I would have laughed it off as utter bullshit... But I've know my dad... Well, all my life really so I know when the man is talking shit.... As often as it may be this was NOT one of those times! 


Now you'll have to excuse my retelling of the story... I've left out boring details, mostly because I got so carried away listening to his manic recount of the nights events that only the extra juicy shit stuck in my mind! I don't give a fuck what you did on your Friday night... It's guna be hard fucking pressed to top this shit!!! POW!


So my Dad and my brother are at Caltex (Starmart) in Malaga. This well dressed aboriginal dude driving a Subaru WRX was parked while my dad filled his car up with fuel. Apparently this dude... We shall call him "Fiddy", so apparently Fiddy is giving my brother the hairy eyeball something cruel. My brother is at least 6ft 1" and solid... Fiddy... was not. So this guy is glaring at my brother and mouthing off to him trying to get my him to look... My brother knows he can fight... He doesn't need to prove himself... So this dude, Fiddy starts lifting up his shirt as Tyson (my brother) goes inside to pay for the fuel. My Dad is like WTF is this cunt's problem and why is he showing my son his man titties?! Anyway it turns out this mother fucker had a god dam fucking GUN down his pants, hence the ceremonial lifting of the shirt!!!! 

Not a Dyson! A Tyson!!!

He pulls out his piece... I FUCKING SHIT YOU NOT!!! He turns it on the side all fucking gangsta/ Samuel L. Jackson styles and walks over to my brother, as he's about to get in the car telling him he was guna kill him!? You know, that old chestnut! So my brother being a 'Parker' and completely fucking unhinged (seriously! We have NO sense of fear... it's almost a disability!) was like "Come on cunt! Fucking do it you mother fucker!" Then my Dad's like "you better kill me you mother fucker coz when I get hold of you I'm guna arse fuck you with your own gun!!!" Hahahaha! I don't know if that's exactly what dad said but it was something to that effect!

Gangsta Foetus!

So Fiddy has the hammer pulled back! He's a couple of feet from Tyson... If that, and they are right in each others faces. So this dude, Fiddy... Decides to pistol whip my brother! Yeah! POW!!! Fucking clocked him right in the fucking head! So Tyson goes jab, jab, hook and smacks Fiddy right in the fucking head! BAM! Fiddy stumbles back... Gets his balance and proceeds to piss bolts down the road! My dad and my brother take chase!? (Of course they do!!!) All the while Fiddy's woman is standing by the WRX screaming "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant!" My brother screams "CONGRATULATIONS" and him and dad chased this guy from the Caltex up Alexander Drive to Illawara Crescent. Hahahaha. Now I'm guessing the gun either wasn't loaded or was a replica because if you've got two meat heads like my dad and my brother after you, you'd fire a few shots in the air at least try to scare them off. Well I would!


Anyway tired of chasing this dude (although Tyson did briefly catch him mid-sprint and smacked him in the back of the head) my Dad and my brother walked back to Caltex, Tyson took a picture of Fiddy's car and his number plate and they went to the cops. So now Fiddy and his WRX have an APB or whatever it's called out on his car. He's to be arrested on site. And he better pray the cops find him first rather than my Dad running into him again! If you hear a story on the news that goes something like "Man anally raped with own pistol in Mirrabooka area" then you'll know that's my dad and he found Fiddy before the cops did! Hahahaha!


Tyson has a big arse egg on his melon apparently! So yeah, in comparison with that epic saga of biblical proportions, my Friday night was pretty fucking dull!!! How bout yours? 


Until next time... Or until Fiddy is found...


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen! xoxo

Hahaha!!!