Nobody Fucks With The JESUS!!!

Hey Boys & Girls! How Is everyone? It's ok you don't have to answer that! So it's official! I'm on my way to becoming an international sensation! Woo hoo! I've had readers from Indonesian, the United States and Europe! Of course with mass adoration also comes criticism! Boooo! My latest saga started yesterday morning. Someone (and I wont say his name because that's what he wants) thought it would be a good idea to obtain my phone number and anonymously stalk me via SMS. They didn't understand why I didn't find this funny... Ummm maybe coz I'm not 14?!? 


The aim of this shit was to get my attention because he wanted to feature in my blog! Well lucky boy! You got your wish! Anyway so after the texting bullshit he decides it's a good idea to engage me on FB chat and criticise my blog as being "too girly" and that "I should write it from a males point of view, other wise people may as well read DOLLY"... Well unless Dolly has really pushed the envelope since I last read it I don't fucking think so. I'm not sure if anyone told him but I am a girl... That may be the reason for me writing like one!? I also said a few choice words along the lines of "fuck up, I didn't ask for your opinion and if you don't like it... Don't read it"


Now I realise in retrospect this may have been a tad harsh. So I'd like to take this opportunity to say sorry and offer the following apology: I am sincerely sorry if I ever did or said anything to give you the impression that I valued your opinion... I do not... Not at fucking all! You are not my target audience and I do not wish to hear your suggestions or tips to improve my blog... If I was to take your opinion on board it would cease to be MY blog and then become YOUR blog!!! 


He also posted a very suspect status right around the time we had this conversation saying that "people have their heads in their arse etc etc" My response to this was much like the above and I thought, seeing as we're all about sharing opinions, in the spirit of helping others improve themselves that I would share mine with him. Which went something like "how about you take your dick out of you arse and lose 45 kg's!" Next thing I know, the entire status is gone and I get a message telling me he didn't appreciate that and can we be 'nice'... I didn't respond but I will now! Yeah sure.... Hahaha! Next issue:


Everyone thinks their family is crazy! I fucking KNOW my family is! Between my Dad renaming his neighbours, my Grandfather having 'stigmata' and my Nan convincing homeless people she's drinking her own piss my family is a fucking riot! Now you may think the above is an exaggeration on the facts just for laughs... Well if you think that you aren't ready for this blog! The only part of the above that isn't 100% accurate is that my Grandfather didn't think he had stigmata as such... He believed his hands were bleeding because he was... Wait for it... Jesus! As in Jesus Christ, son of god, died on the cross... The one you always hear about... Yeah him! Ok so what exactly am I talking about here? I don't know either! But let us hold hands and go for a walk down memory lane and have a look at some of the more entertaining moments from my family history! Ps you might wanna bring a spare pair of undies... I'm just sayin... Hahaha!

MY GRANDFATHER!

So my Grandfather! AKA Brian AKA Granddad dribble AKA Jesus. He is my Dad's Dad. Now this old boy... Fuck where to start!?! Obviously, he's a few cans short of a six pack, he's not playing with a full deck, he's off the fucking planet! Get it? Ok good. So let me tell you some of the shit this mad mother fucker has got up to over the years... Firstly he was married to my Nan and they had 3 boys. The youngest of these boys being my Dad. Now Brian has always been odd, to say the least but obviously as age started to take it's toll the crazy antics just kept on getting...well... crazier! For example when my Dad was 13 my Grandfather was right into his religion... As in he would take all three boys to weekend long lectures at the local church... Fun right? Well at one of these lectures Brian/Jesus decided to stand up and show his fellow church enthusiasts how he was bleeding from his hands and was suffering from stigmata... Like this isn't bad enough, he then went on to tell everyone that he was bleeding from his hands because HE WAS JESUS CHRIST!!! He then went on to quote from the bible and tell everyone how he had come again (that's COME again not CUM again... at least I hope that's what he meant?) and how all these people were his children! YEAH! I shit you not! No fucking wonder my Dad isn't easily embarrassed! If you can go through that without shitting yourself to death not much else after that is going to bother you! Well think about it, it wouldn't! 


So obviously my Nan has left, Jesus and remarried at this stage! She moves into a house in Vic Park with her new husband. Right next to a vacant block of land... Guess who buys the vacant lot! Yeah, Jesus! He builds a 2 story house on the property so he can watch my nan hanging out her washing! And he did! Every washing day! He was out there! His other reason for moving next door was that she made a nice cup of tea!?! 


Now when Brian (Jesus) wasn't busy returning from the dead or trying to scam one of my nans famous cups of tea he was frequenting my Dad's place and scaring the shit out Dad's mates! So Brian has had a long standing feud with "John Pasty" the only problem is there is no John Pasty. So Brian is on the phone and he's going right off! "Now listen here, John I've told you once Iv'e told you a thousand fucking times, it's not gunna fucking happen! It didn't happen then, it aint happening now and it's never going to fucking happen!!! And you can tell that cunt Jack Pie the same fucking thing!" Anyway so Dad's mate, Paul, who happened to be in the next room during this entire conversation was later talking to my Dad and was like "fuck, your Dad really doesn't like that John Pasty guy does he! My Dad's like "oh yeah was Dad telling you about that was he?" Paul said "nar, I over heard a phone conversation between the two of them and shit was pretty heated... My Dad started laughing. Paul looking puzzled asked dad "what was so funny?" My Dad was like "well, the phone got disconnected about 2 weeks ago so fuck knows who he thinks he was talking to"... Paul laughed thinking my dad was joking... 20 minutes later Brian's left and Dad's in the kitchen and he sees Paul pick up the phone and listen... Waiting for a dial tone... Which wasn't there... The Phone REALLY had been disconnected! It's then that you could see the real fear written all over Paul's face!!! Hahahaha!

NOT Dave!

It's no surprise that coming from a father like that, my Dad is a "little quirky"... example: My dad has a family of Muslims that live over the road. The eldest boy, who name is Yulmas, goes by Muhammad because no one says, Yulmas properly... Well he did go by Muhammed until he started working with my Dad. My Dad was like "right! What are we going to do about this name of yours!?" Hahahaha! Yes I'm serious! Dad said that to him and even sent Muhammad home to have a good think about it! The next day he comes back and says "I like the name DAVID" my Dad says "nar mate you're an Aussie now! We'll call you DAVE!" So Yulmas AKA Muhummad AKA David is now known as Dave! To the point where his own father now calls him Dave! Who the fuck goes around renaming people? To their face!? My Dad that's who!!!

NOT My Nan!!!

As for my Nan trying to convince a homeless guy that she drinks her own pee... Hahahaha well!!! My nan (My Mothers Mother) owned a dressmakers shop and she was friends with a homeless guy in the area! She would have him in and make him coffee and have a chat etc. Anyway so Nan had brought her lunch into work. In one of those plastic cups you get at the doctors office to leave your piss sample in she had some vinegar (the sample jar was clean and had not been used). Anyway she gets out her lunch and her piss pot full of vinegar... She unscrews the lid in full view of this homeless dude takes a sniff, dibs her finger in, has a taste then offers it to the homeless dude and says "does this smell like piss to you?" Aaaaahahahaha! To say the homeless dude looked freaked the fuck out is a massive under statement! After he left I was like Nan WTF? She just laughed and said "that'll keep him on his toes!?" 


So people there you have it!!! Crazy mother fuckers! The lot of us! I never had a fucking chance! Be thankful! If I came from a normal family I'd have nothing to write about and you'd all be sitting here reading some less riveting form of media! 


Until next time! Remember! Don't fuck with me! I know the Jesus!!!


Hahaha! Love ya guts! Love, Jen! xoxo