Thursday 28 July 2011

We've all made baby Jesus cry!

So chances are, if you're reading this blog, you may not be the best christian you can be... If you actually enjoy reading it, well then you're totally fucked! Yeah! Wait! You're not on the wrong page! I haven't been abducted and mind fucked by Tom Cruise into becoming a Scientologist or anything like that... I realise I probably freaked you out by starting this post with talk of 'Heavenly Father' but I'm going somewhere... Besides straight to hell! Now, whether you were raised as a strict Catholic, a Jew, a Satanist like my kids (JOKING!) or even if religion and/ or God never really came up in your house, pretty much everyone has some knowledge of the Ten Commandments. Right now, I can think of 4 but there is definitely another 6 floating around out there! 


Ok so I just Googled it coz I was like which fuckers didn't I remember... It's not important. Main thing is they're a bit shit, but generally, on the whole and despite being written in Pig Latin, they are some common sense decent guidelines for not being a total fuck wad of a human being! BUT it doesn't end there (of course it doesn't) you can't just go off the 10 commandments and think you'll be right when judgement day comes (that being you death, not the whole scenario out of 'The Terminator' movies). There is a whole bunch of other rules in the Bible that no mother fucker ever tells you about! Crazy bullshit rules that, until reading that they were 'sins', I had never even thought they would prevent me from entering 'God's kingdom of heaven'... Oh my god! I'm so totally put out!... Ok, stop laughing. We all know I'm going to hell! But are you? Well, if you have done any of the following, then answer is YES! See you there, fuck face!
WELCOME!!! MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Now, here is a list of the 7 things most of you would have done, but that you didn't know made baby Jesus cry!


Sin 1- Hair cuts and shaving: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:27 "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."


Well that's me fucked! I just shaved my beard yesterday!? Do not cut hair at the side of your head... So I'm presuming cutting the back of you hair is ok? And the top? I dunno. It doesn't say WHY not though! Is it a 'fuck with this rule and even if you're the pope you're fucked!" kinda rule or is it just how the dude above prefers hair? Short back and top, long sides thank you, Barber!?
You're going to hell!

You too!
You're... FRICKIN AWESOME!!! Hahaha just joking! You're totally going to hell too!
Sin 2- Cutting and Tattoos: 
Bible verse: Leviticus 19:28 "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD."


Can you cut your body for the living? And what if someone else puts the tattoo on you... Is that cool? So, don't cut yourself for dead people... Cool and don't do your own tatts! Cool! Makes sense!? What's with the I AM THE LORD bit at the end? Sounds like he was drunk and just a bit too into himself at this point! Yeah, dude we know who you are! Settle the fuck down, ok!?!
Lost your arm? Trying to make light of the situation by getting a comical tattoo? FAIL!!! GO TO HELL! GO DIRECTLY TO HELL! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200

FUCKING EWWW! Yeah, you too! Straight to hell!
Ummm? Hahaha.... Yeah, you're fucked! Straight to hell!
Sin 3- Entering a church with one testicle or no penis: 
(I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP!!!)
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 23:1 "No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD."
Another translation which is slightly more detailed is "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord"



How fucked is that shit!? You lose a nut through... Whatever causes and you're fucking out! 


Bob: "Dear God, please give me the strength to fight my cancer so they don't have to remove my other testicle!" 
God: "Fuck off Lefty! You're fucking dead to me!" 


That's pretty fucking harsh! Basically, If you have no cock and/or balls don't even fucking bother!
He's cool! Good job monkey! Keep it up!
He ALMOST made it into heaven until they double checked the paperwork and saw that he only had one ball! Oh... And that he's ADOLF FUCKING HITLER!!!
Sin 4- Wearing blended fibre clothing. Like cotton/ polyester blends etc:
Bible verse:   Leviticus 19:19 "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”


You are to keep my statuses? Like FaceBook Statuses? Ok!? Don't get that one. I think it means keep shit how I made it and or leave my shit the fuck alone! Which made me think of how bad it would be to work with God in, like an office type environment... Especially if you borrowed his stapler and forgot to put it back... For example:


God: "For Christ sake (THERE'S ANOTHER SIN RIGHT THERE!) don't you dare move anything on my mother fucking desk while I'm mother fucking gone or I'll make the 10 mother fucking plagues of Egypt look like a mother fucking picnic in the Garden of mother fucking Eden, you hear me, you mother fucker?! I still haven't found my mother fucking stapler from last time I went out of the mother fucking office and I know it was you Moses so don't look at me like that, mother fucker! Yes, I know! Of course, I know! I was hoping the guilt would get to you and you'd confess! But no! What are you.. What is that look? Are you... Shaking your head at... Oh fucking hell no! That's it! Go walk in the desert! NOW mother fucker! GO! DESERT! NOW GO! Go for a nice hot stroll! Come back in 40 years when you learn some fucking office etiquette! You don't borrow someone's stapler and not put it back! Go on! GO! Looking at you makes me fucking sick! Stapler stealing, (A SIN) lying, no good, dodgy, sinning mother fucker! Go on! Get the fuck out of my sight!"


Moses should just be thankful he wasn't wearing a cotton/polyester blend at the time! By this rule we are all fucked! Got a x breaded dog? You're fucked. Do you eat genetically modified food? You're fucked! Got some kind of funky cross bread rare plants in your garden... You're fucked! Got a Bible made out of 50% recycled paper? You're MAJORLY FUCKED!!! 
He's cool... Just don't touch his fucking stapler! Or fuck with ANY of the other shit he made... Which is like everything!
Sin 5- Jewellery and skanky clothes: 
Bible verse: Timothy 2:9 “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”


Dress like shit and you're in! Unless you're wearing a synthetic or blended fibre coz then you're fucked! Wrap yourself in non cross contaminated cotton, grow you hair out, don't shave and keep both testicles and you may have a chance of not burning in hell for all eternity.
You can bet your ass that, Paris Hilton and her bung eye are both going to hell! Thank god! <----- Hahaha!
Sin 6- Defencive  knob touching: 
Bible verse: Deuteronomy 25:11-12 “If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.”


Well that's fucked! You fight some dude off, trying to help you hubby out and you spit in his eye and grab his nuts and you get your fucking hand chopped off! Where the fuck is the logic in that? And the best part is, as the husband of the cock fondling skank wife you cut her hand off and god's like "DO IT! and don't you fucking feel bad about it!" Personally I think soap would have sufficiently removed all traces of the foreign penis from her hand but the Bible was written like 20 years BEFORE Detol so yeah?!? HA! Hahaha...
Yeah... So none of this!

Or this!
And definately NONE of this!
Sin 7- Eating certain animals:
Bible verse: Leviticus 11:10 “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.”  

So if it swims but doesn't have scales and fins it's a NO NO!! Like lobster? YOU'RE FUCKED! Squid rings? FUCKED! Mussels? FUCKED!!! It then goes onto specify a whole bunch of other animals they you can't eat: Pig (I thought this was only a Jewish thing, but apparently not), camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat , bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile, chameleon, snail and winged insects that walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with??? Well that's easy enough but what the fuck is with the last one!? That's like really specific! Why can't you eat winged insects on four legs? WHY? And what the fuck is the difference if the have joints to jump with!? They had a decent chance of getting away so therefore if you catch them and eat them, you really deserve it?


Can't eat him...
... or him
... and sadly, not even him :(
Hahahaha!?!
So there you go kiddies! We're all fucked! And it's not even your fault! You were screwed the moment your mum dressed you in artificial fabrics and got your hair cut! Sorry! 


For all of you worried that all this sin may somehow result in a demon residing in your rectum, here's a coupon for a free KVJ (no idea) check! So yeah... Good luck with that!?!





Well, Sinners! That's all for now! So, until next time...


Love ya guts! 


Love, Jen xoxo



Saturday 23 July 2011

I totally just SHATNERED myself!

My Fat Boy (aka Logan aka The Fatness) has a few main goals in life:
1. To eat as much as possible... As often as possible and without discrimination! 
2. To seek out and destroy... Everything! He's not fussy he'll fuck up furniture, DVDs, the TV, plates, his cot, as well as occasionally messing with my will to live! 
But 3rdly and most importantly his MAIN goal and his driving motivation is... To play with his doodle! Often and well! Like... WELL! I've gotten to a point with him where I have to put his nappy on backwards because other wise I find him, bare arsed, smile plastered on his chunky face with his dick in hand! Usually I can get to him in time and chase his chunky ass around the house to re-cloth him but sometimes he de-robes while in his bed and by the time I hear him laughing and squealing and I catch onto what he's doing he's already peed everywhere! And that's even with his nappy on backwards AND with pants on! He's a determined little wanker! Hahaha. He will de-pants, manage to remove his backwards nappy and play with his little doodle! He's fucking obsessed! And he doesn't just have a little fondle he like full on punishes the pecker! It disturbs me as his Mum, coz I was hoping for at least 2 or 3 years of him remaining pure and innocent... But no, he's got his dad's penis punisher genes! Hahaha sorry, Todd if that makes you sound like a gay porn star! Now he's onto the backwards nappy so I've had to employ the duct tape around the waste technique... So far... Success! But he's a crafty little turd so only time will tell who won this round...

It's like the time my beautiful baby girl was in the bath and she discovered her butt hole! There was a fucking month long obsession I was glad to see the arse end of! Hahaha. Excuse the pun! So these are the joys of parenting... Watching your beautiful babies turn into feral Muppet's whose past times consist of butt hole pleasures, schlong stretching and basically fucking your shit UP! I wouldn't change them for the world :)

I had always intended on being one of those parents who taught their kids that a penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina... Not a yoo-hoo, or wee-wee or wee-har-hoo=rar... And with Isabelle I stuck with that. She calls her vagina her gina... Which is a cuter version of vagina and less butch sounding than vag! Hows ya vag Madge?! Who the fuck is Madge? Fucked if I know! Keep up! Anyway, I say vag and I'm not butch... Mostly?! Anyway! Whatever! So I intended for Logan to call his penis his penis... But when I look at it I'm like 'nawww look at your little doodle!' sorry baby boy... It's entirely too cute to be a penis! He's got more chance of me calling it his Margaret Thatcher, than he does of me calling it his *serious voice* penis! Hahaha!



What does this have to do with this blog entry? Absolutely fuck all! Nada! Zip! Zilch Zero! Bupkiss! Diddly squat! Nada... SWEET FUCK ALL!!!! I like to keep you on your toes! Kinda like a ballerina on crack!!! Twirl bitch! TWIRL! Yeah anyway! So a little while back I posted a blog entry called It's in your mother's anus which was a collection of 'auto-correct' fuck ups... Quite entertaining shit! Anyway in light of the success of that post, and due to the fact I am still without a new laptop (meaning serious lack of motivation) I present the 2nd installment of epic auto correct fuck ups! Enjoy!
My advice... If you find a friend who can fit 6 cans in her vag... Keep her!
You can hem your beef curtains? What, with a regular Jenomi or do you need an industrial beef hemming machine?
Finger my camel toe all you want but stay the fuck away from my cannoli (butt hole?)... What?
I find someone freaking out and the other person being set on repeat fucking hilarious! I'd be a mess treating people in shock! Carlee died! Carlee. Carlee! Me- Ahahahahaha! Yes! Brilliant!
Mom is lying! Fucking crack heads leaving hot "creme pies" around the house!
Hahahaha REPEAT! Black dick! BLACK DICK!!! For fuck sake! Are you dense? I said BLACK DICK!
I fed a deer out of my vagina once... It's overrated!
KIDS! You tell the to get their cunt out of the geezer and they act like you're speaking a different language! 


Want paid stress leave? Next time you're at work and it starts raining... Stand up, grab your hair and start yelling "It's raining HATS AND FIGS!!! HATS AND DONGS!!! FATS AND DOGS!!!" Then start howling and run out of the office!
If Mom's Asian this isn't actually that weird!
Call me strange but if I got a picture of some black Puma's after all that I'd feel robbed!
I actually like the smell of burnt penis? Is it just me? Yeah? Ok then! Moving!
You're camping and Dad's impotent... So... Who's pitching the tent?
P.S We all have to start using the word SHATNERED!!!
Effervescent Shitstain! Aaaaahahahaha! I'm so going into Bunnings drunk and demanding a free sample pot of Effervescent Shitstain!  
Tom's ball sack must be... HUGE! OR maybe it's a mini stapler! Either way I'm still impressed!
That's why I stopped going to church... Mmmwaaaahahaha?!?
Ahahahaha! Christian mind fuck dot com! GOLD!
YES! That's the 3RD JENNA text in this blog! It's a hot name ok!
Feather pussy out who error you horse! Ahahaha! That is all!
They Googled themselves? Ewww!
Auto cucumber! Sounds fun! I hope it's burp-less... Was that your vagina!? NO! It was the cucumber!




Until next time...


Love ya guts! 


Love, Jen xoxo





Friday 15 July 2011

I am the Internet!

Where the fuck have I been?? I have NOT been committed. Nor have I learnt the error of my ways and joined a NUNnery or a MONKery... Hahaha. Monkery! I still don't have a new laptop... I'm getting there... S-L-O-W-L-Y!!! So the laptop I'm borrowing decided to start shooting blue sparks out of the charger... I know! Exciting, right? But that didn't stop me from using it... After all... What's a little electrocution between friends? These blue sparks resulted in the charger deciding it couldn't work under those conditions so it just stopped working... No 2 weeks notice. No big explosive finale or anything like that! Although, some would say the blue sparks were notice enough and to them I say 'You  dUmB!' 


I purchased a replacement charger for the laptop I'm borrowing so I am back to using that... I'm still making more typo's than a 1 handed, half blind, cracked out, illiterate spider monkey but hey,  it's still better than running around my front yard screaming "I AM THE INTERNET!!!"
I'm used to a big keyboard with all the keys being present. This is a widdle (yes... WIDDLE!) keyboard and it's missing more keys than your local hillbilly is missing teeth... Which means...Typos! Too many typos! Too many! *starts twitching!* 
So I'm typing this on my phone and will proceed to email it to myself (possibly with some sexy nude pictures attached!) Then send it to my blog... Then onto you! See! It's all very complex! Lot of ins! Lot of outs! Lot of what-have-yous!


So in anticipation of getting a new laptop (remember I still need donations) I started looking up some extras I might 'need' for when I get it. Like most of my ventures it starts off innocently enough... Then before I know it I wake up after a 3 days bender... Nipples covered in glitter, surrounded by dildos that have all mysteriously been covered with dirty socks that aren't mine and my mouth left tasting like Playdoh!? Good times! Where was I? Oh yeah... Laptop accessories! Specifically USB  accessories! So I'm browsing and before long I found myself going from the practical (like the USB coffee mug warmer) to what the fucking fuck (like a fake USB powered aquarium)!?! Now you can re-live my journey! 


What is it? It's a George Foreman USB Grill of course! Wait... What? Yeah, you read correctly! So many times I have been sitting at my desk typing away and thinking if only I could grill myself a healthy meal without having to leave my seat (how you get the food from the fridge to the grill is up to you- unless you buy a USB fridge!?) The whole thing seams a bit weird to me! Verdict: USELESS
What is it? USB HUMPING dogs! Why? Um... Coz we all want to see a small plastic dog humping our laptops? Don't we? Verdict: Somewhat entertaining. A good way to get you fired or incite sexual harassment! Wanna see it in action? Click here!
Verdict: USELESS & Weird!
What is it? A USB oil burner. Not my cup of tea but I suppose it's a nice present for someone who has everything and smells a bit like ass! Verdict: NOT COMPLETELY USELESS!
What is it? A USB pet rock... You plug it in... That's it! It does NOTHING. It draws NO power. It has NO drivers! WHY?  Why would anyone want this? Verdict: USELESS & STUPID!
What is it? It's a washing machine! Hahaha! No, not really! It's a USB electric guitar that is apparently surprisingly awesome! See for yourself click me! Want even more specs? Click here!
It has real strings, can be used with or without a computer and is ALWAYS in tune! Verdict: FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Ok this isn't a USB  accessory but it's so cool I had to add it anyway! What is it? A Genuine Marshall mini amp that's what! What does it do? Well! It looks and sounds like a full-size amp. It comes with a belt clip for hands-free operation and a headphone jack for private rocking out! You can control tone & volume and literally rock out with your cock out... If that's what blows your hair back! 

                                             
                                     See! Awesome! (Runs off a 9 volt battery!)
What is it? A USB keyboard vacuum! I think this is an awesome idea! A fun way to get rid of all the crap that accumulates under the keys of your keyboard! Verdict: Cool and useful!
What is it? A USB missile launcher! You can even attach a webcam to this remote controlled missile launcher and accurately aim at passers by and then POW POW POW Man down! Man down! I'm hit!
*Evil laugh!* Excellent!!!
What is it? A USB mini fridge. Just big enough for a can of drink! Verdict: If you don't have a fridge at work and you like a soda with lunch this is for you. But if, like me your a "go hard or go home, nothing by halves" sorta person then....



This is for you!!! What is it? A BIG USB fridge! Big enough to store food to cook on your George Foreman USB Grill! See it's all making sense? Verdict: Cool, especially if you don't have a fridge... For some strange reason! Don't blame me if every man and his humping USB dog wants to put their drinks in your fridge though!

BAM! You HAVE to be entertained by a woman on a pole or you may literally die!!! I know, I know! It's a daily battle! WELL, THIS IS FOR YOU!!! She dances for you as you type. She comes with her own music, lights and pole plus there's no need to go change a hundred into smaller notes for tips! The faster you type the faster she dances! Verdict: WEIRD!!!
What is it? A USB eye massager. Wait... What? EYE MASSAGER!? ... I don't get it! I've NEVER EVER thought "Fuck! The muscles in my eyes are tight! I really need a massage... Preferably with a strange red rubber hand that plugs into the USB drive on my computer!" NEVER!!! Verdict: WTF!!!
What is it? A USB panic button. You know the drill! You're on Facebook or READING MY BLOG and all of a sudden... THE BOSS!!! FAAAARK!!! What do you do? Panic? NO! Panic Button? Yes! With a press of the huge red button, the USB Panic Button allows you to replace what is on your computer screen with a "pretend" work file. The included software features several fake spread sheets for use, as well as the ability to customise your own "panic" work pages. Verdict: Awesome! Although you boss may wonder why the fuck you have a massive red button on your desk. What you tell them is up to you!

What is it? A USB Ghost detector! Why? Coz some fool will buy it!? Probably?!? This device beeps and flashes red lights in response to "unusual magnetic waves" — meaning it will let you know when you're in the presence of ghosts. Who the fuck figured out what frequencies ghosts operate on? When did that happen? Apparently the Japanese figured it out but wont tell anyone else the 'secret' ... COUGH *BULLSHIT* This 'ghost detector' also doubles as a flash drive... Verdict: WEIRD! 




So there you have it! Another installment of weird shit from yours truly! Hopefully the next time I post a blog entry it will be from behind a sexy new laptop! Hopefully!!!

Until next time...

Love ya guts!

Love, Jen xoxo