The Day My Blog Died!

I am writing this on my mobile... *Very sad face*
My laptops' hard drive has died... I had nothing backed up (D'oh!) and I have no money to get it fixed or to buy a new one! *Epically sad face* I was going to attach a Paypal widget to my blog to see if I could get donations from random cashed up strangers but I can't do it via my mobile! The world is against me!!! Anyway... Other than having a massive piss and moan, I'm just wanting to let you know... I'm not dead and no one has kid-napped me trying to shut me up... I'll just be M.I.A until I can work something out with my computer, or lack there-of!

Missing you all heaps!

Until next time.... (Whenever that may be!)

Love ya guts... Love, Jen xoxo

Nice underwear! Now drop 'em and bark like a chicken!

Ok, so it's come to light that my thought processes are a little... Eeerrr erratic... But, I do have ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and I'm naturally unhinged, not to mention being genetically pre-dispositioned to occasionally thinking I'm a chicken.. BERGUUUUUURK... Anyway so as you can image I hop from from vacuum cleaning to penis pasta in a few short milliseconds! I often get asked how the fuck I end up at whatever fucked up conclusion I end up ending up at... What? Hahaha... Hmmmm... *Weird silence* Anyway... I made a mind map! 

Unfortunately when I've gone to put it on my blog it's too fucking small to read but, FEAR NOT! I'll walk you through it! I was watching TV and an ad for American Idol came on. Jennifer Lopez was 'performing' and something, quite literally jumped out of the screen and slapped my pretty little face! She had some serious MC Hammer, circa 1990-1992, crotch drape going on! It honestly looked like she was smuggling a small child in there! Then I remembered she's married to that Hispanic rat looking mother fucker, Mark Anthony and I concluded that he was about the same size of a small child and it was most likely him bunking in her squirrel covers! 

This whole traumatic experience started a chain reaction of electrical reactions in my squishy area.... GREY SQUISHY!!! Not pink squishy... Wait! What? Ok rewind! Electrical reaction in my brain... I looked at J. Lo's pants and thought "is she trying to revive the whole 90's, happy pants, yes my penis is that big I require the extra room, MC Hammer up in ya ho spanner" trend? Then I thought about good old MC Hammer (Hahaha McHammer) and I wondered what the fuck he was thinking when he put that shit on and was like "fuck yeah, I dig it!" This made me think about bad fashion in general, which then (naturally) lead to funny undies, funny undies lead to tits (of course), which lead to people getting arrested with their tits out. This then turned into mugshots. Mugshots equaled bad hair... So there! Hurts ya head doesn't it? And to think that THAT was the simplified version!

My brain> Me watching TV and seeing J Lo's gruesome gaping groin> MC Hammer> Bad fashion> Funny underwear> Tits> Mug shots> Bad hair = My blog!!!

Call them whatever you want... She looks like she's done a huge dump in her shiny diaper!
Looking at this picture of MC Hammer, I'm glad he went broke... For his own safety and for ours!

Hahahaha! Nunnery Couture- The Paedophile's Collection!

... I think that women's skirt is coming onto me!?

What the fuck and why! Asians! I love them!!! PS I'm taking the Nan on the left! Fuck yes!!!

The model on the left is thinking "why didn't I take the god damn Nip bra job!?"

Aaahahaha! Sorry! 

Ok so what's going on here? Top left is the delightful range of... I'm gunna call them Flange Panties! Why? I don't fucking know! I think they're for weird men who like fugly vagina's!
The bottom left pic- Ummm Airbags?
The pic on the right- Is it just me or does that look like a HUGE pair of pink balls!? Or possibly a vagina with VERY swollen flaps!?

These are mug shots!!! It's bitches like these that seriously make me wanna go down... Down... Down to Pussy Town!!! FUCKING NOT!!! 

Arrrr... Yeah?

I think it's a women?

Aaaahahaha! I want the Dolly Parton!

Do these fuckers own a mirror?

Spock is not impressed! Ha!

Wow! Did you know you can wear your hair as hat!? Well ya do now!

So there you have it! From J. Lo to hat fro... Hahaha! That rhymes! There's my thoughts in pictures and all lubed up and bloggerised! 

 On that note... Until next time...


Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo

Oh and one last thing.......

AAAAHAHAHAHA!!! The one is the middle looks like a bum!

Furry Love Rugs & Talking toilet roll holders!!!

So as I said in my last blog... I have heaps of funny pictures... So here they are! Some are from newspaper adverts, some are adverts for USELESS and ridiculous products and others are just funny... But in a weird/ uncomfortable way! Hope you like them!!!

The newspaper headline! WOW! Hahaha! I don't know about anyone else but once I got past the fact that this is the most detailed headline EVER, I actually got a mental image of someone in a sumo suit attacking someone dressed as a Snickers! Then I realised I misread it and I felt a little sad! Still I think it may all be a HUGE misunderstanding! Judging by the picture under the headline... Maybe she wasn't wearing a sumo suit... I'm thinking... Bitch is just chunky... And it's laundry day so she made a g-string out of a towel... You know, that old chestnut! She was off of her meds, saw what appeared to be a human sized Snickers bar and jumped at the opportunity! Maybe her ex girlfriend waving at the guy dressed as a Snickers was kinda like: DIBS ON THE BIG ASS CHOCOLATE BAR!!! To which Sumo Sally, was like "Oh fucking hell no, Bitch! I saw it first'. So she punched her out!?! The most disappointing part of this entire ordeal is that you don't know what the ex girlfriend was dressed as!?!

The Hypnotist advert... WHAT!?! All you can eat- Bring your own food! Hahahaha! That's like having "BONG-A-THON"- As much weed as you can smoke (must bring your own weed!) What the fuck are you paying for?!? And aren't donations suppose to be voluntary? Like paying taxes... Oh... Hahaha!

2 Way Radio- You'll need to buy 2! Well, no fucking shit! Other wise you'll be sitting  there with ONE 2 way radio talking to ya fucking self!!!

What the fuck!?! If you're that rich, fuck head go help the needy poor (whoever the fuck they are) by yourself!

Call Scam line!!! Don't be scammed! Pay $3 a minute for us to tell you  "you're being scammed, you fucking ass clown!" I think the Wesley Taylor of scam line started this call centre after losing his $2 to help the needy poor! 

Hahahaha! So do I, Meth Monkey! SO DO I!!!

Sauna Hot Pants?! Fuck yes! When your ass crack isn't sweaty enough! Plus they look so comfortable and barely there!

Have a fag!? God I LOVE positive messages! "You could get hit by a bus tomorrow..." You could also have a homeless man hold you down while his hobo friends bet on how many marbles they can jam in your foreskin, but I wouldn't recommend that anyone chop off their dicks or bomb a homeless shelter just yet!!!

FUCK!!! 205 lbs (93 kilo) in a week? I'd only have to be on the diet for like 3 days! ...
3 days later... "Hello Scam Line???"

They're happy because they eat LARD!?! Issued by the lard information council!? Why the fuck  does LARD need an entire council distributing information on it's behalf!?! A committee maybe... But a council... NO!

Silent smoke alarm!?! SILENT. Smoke. ALARM!!! "Oh no! The smoke alarm is going off (I saw the flashing light!), but I can't get to the bedrooms to alert the others! I know! I'll use my trusty 2 way radio..... FAAAAAARK!!!!"

AHAHAHAHA! They fucking look on the babies face!!! No decent parent would purchase this  for their child! Although... I kinda wanna know if this look is the normal reaction when fed this food coz a serving of that shit and a video camera and you've got yourself a youtube sensation! Oh and what's with a the mini dildo looking chilli's? WARNING: Cock shaped chilli + babies... May result in your child's face becoming permanently deformed!

TOUGHEN glass CUTTING board... Not suitable for CHOPPING food on! What about CUTTING food? No? So what the fuck do you use it for?  Of course it's 'easily clean and hygenic' it's easy to keep shit clean and hygienic when you can't fucking use it for anything!

What about personal ham?

Incest repellent! Brilliant! Although, I'd change the name to 'Fuck off" Now available in Uncle Lester's extra strength formula!

Guaranteed you'll find the entire ceremony fucking hilarious!!!

THIS is why Elmo doesn't wear hats!!!

Pooh spreaders- because no one wants to use there best silverware and they wont snap like a plastic knife!
 "WOW, Maude the icing on the chocolate is flawless! How did you get it so smooth and even?" "Oh, didn't I show you my new POOH spreader?" *SILENCE... VOMIT*
And the next thing you know, Maude's being hauled off by the men in white coats!

Ok so the highlighted bits say "Furry love rug"... To me this guy looks like he would be way more into furry brown buttons!
The next bit says "It's almost like having another lover there with you." As if the whole furry love rug comment wasn't weird enough! Now you've got phantom lovers! Hopefully they don't look like the dude in the ad! I've had sex with guys that could be classified as "phantom" lovers... It IS NOT an experience I wish to recreate! Especially with anything called the "furry love rug"...

Susan, will you marry me? Flush once for yes? Really!?! Now if it was saying "Susan, remember our conversation about the courtesy flush" that would be slightly less disturbing but "will you marry me!?" Generally I don't like people thinking about me while they're snapping off a load, but hey we all have out own little quirks! Just don't tell the story of how he proposed at the wedding reception!
If it had a sensor for when the roll was almost empty I'd totally buy it!!! Imagine that shit at parties! "Oi fuck head... Yeah, you! Fuck head! Don't even fucking think about leaving this shitter without replacing the empty roll, you mother fucker!!!" Hahaha! Drunk people and would literally FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!! Hahahahaha!

Only you know it's a wig (this statement is only actually true if you work blind people and/ or senior citizens.)

1,000 Medium pizzas for free!?! That's a good fucking deal!

Camel toe? Moose knuckle? They completely fail to encapsulate the epic hill and valley episode chunky butt has going on in between her legs! She has a major case of "front bums revenge!" She must go through pre-wash stain remover like a mother fucker!
 
Fucking hell... Elvis has gone to shit! My main concern though is: Ball, ball... Wheres the dick? Or maybe he has one ball and one of those lumps is his dick.... Or maybe HE IS THE DICK!!!

I hope you found these as fucked up and hilariously disturbing as I did! If not.... Well, you may need to remove the Pooh spreader out of your arse! Hahahaha! Hmmmm... *Awkward silence*...

Until next time...

Love ya guts, Love, Jen xoxo

Can of Coke for your Cooch?!?

Now I am not a bra burner... with jugs like these, bra's aren't cheap and I'm not about to start burning them to make a point... Regardless of what THAT point is... That being said I recently found some old print ads that were so fucking misogynistic and backwards I must admit I can really understand why chicks felt the need to start setting shit on fire... Still I would have opted for setting some jock straps alight rather than my own bra... (It's at your own discretion as to whether or not you want to remove the man before setting their junk on fire!) To me, if you have nice jugs and you rip your bra off to burn the fucker... Who really wins!?! I'm not a guy, obviously, but seeing a bunch of angry females, titties flying would leave me thinking... Yeah you showed us!!! NOT! It's kind of the equivalent of men protesting with knobs out... Sorry but I tend to miss the point when cocks are swinging! That being said I am woman here me roar etc etc and once you view these ads, I'll think you ask yourself... Was bra burning the best approach... (Not necessarily)... Was it effective at putting a stop to blatant ignorance? (Somewhat)... Do these ads make you want to heave a block of concrete at the fucking morons who thought this shit up!?! (Ab-so-fucking-lutely!!!)

Ok, so basically if your husband doesn't want to fuck you... It's your own god damn fault coz chances are you have a smelly cooch!!! Do not fret, all is not lost! You can douche your vag with Lysol! Ignore the fact that it is like 40% Ethanol (pure alcohol)! Just don't light a match or you'll blow that cunt up! I mean your cunt up! The ad then goes on to say Lysol will clean your mangy moot better than soap, SALT OR SODA!!! Soda??? WHAT THE FUCK!?!
"Honey, bring me home a can of Coke, I need to douche my feral flange! That way you will love me again!" But the best bit? You can now clean your feminine mound without any greasy after effects! Well, that's a relief!!!

The next 2 ads are for condoms! The first one is so lame it's like 'yeah whatever' but the one under it is just fucking annoying. It basically implies that it's ok to fuck random bitches but those random bitch are all filthy sluts who carry sexually transmitted diseases, so use a condom! Like men can't spread VD!?! Seriously!? I find it terrifying that anyone actually printed these ads and that people really believed this shit!

These next lot of old print ads aren't of the woman bashing variety... There either just offensive to everyone or so fucking weird it makes you think... "WOW THAT'S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD!" Hahaha! Enjoy!?! 

Ummm... Yeah? Sedate old angry pricks and ward off the Nazis! All you need is Thorazine and Victory Bonds?!
Fuck! If I knew it was that easy!?! *CONFUSED FACE*

DO NOT ASK!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!! All I know is the pig looks fucking ripped off his gorge!  And what's with the blue chunks in the meat?! Anyone? No? Ok! Now the second one... Looking at this kids eyes I don't think he needs anymore barbiturates!!! EVER AGAIN!!!

I don't know what the fuck these kids are advertising but I don't want it!!! The kid of the left look like his Mother heated a can of spaghetti on an open fire and when it exploded the end result was this kids face! Looking at him makes the primary school insult of "freckle faced fart machine" spring to mind!!!

The kid on the right... WOW!!! See, if this was an advert for 'why not to take large amounts of experimental narcotics during pregnancy' then this picture would make sense... But I think it's an ad for feeding your child disgusting meth enriched meat so they can have that happy cracked out look all of the time! And don't get me started on the fringe or that evil fucking fruit bowl/ hat she has glued to her head!!!

But... What?

More terrifying crack head kids!!!

Well, it's true!?!

Ummm... Seeds and Sodomy, anyone?!?

Only his make-up man knows for sure!? Where is this make-up going? 

Heroin & Tape Worm diets! Hell YES!?!

So there you have it! NEVER complain about modern commercials EVER again! I have TONNES more of these and more random shit coming up in my next few posts... So stay tuned, Kiddies!

Until next time...

Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxo

It's in your Mother's anus!

I stumbled across these little gems, thanks to friend... We shall call him, "Liridon"... Which just happens to be what everyone else calls him too... So it worked out well!!! Hahaha! Anyway! Moving right along... The following are some hilarious examples of why I do not own an iPhone (plus I need SOME buttons!) AND why I don't use auto correct and/ or dictionary!!! ENJOY!!!

The one on the right is GOLD!!!

Hahahaha! It's in her god damn anus!!!

FUCK!!! Are you stupid? It's in my fucking PUSS!!!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed these little love nuggets as much as I did!!!

Until next time...

Love ya guts!!! Love, Jen xoxo