Hiiii! It feels like FOREVER!!! I maxed out my download limit ONE day after the new billing period started so my Internet has been s-l-o-w-e-d!!! I've tried to post a few times but it shat me off way too much! So fingers crossed I can post this sucker!!!
Anyway I've decided I could dig being famous... Well I'd like my blog to be famous actually... There's people who have written a lot less entertaining shit than myself and are rolling in it ("it" being money... Hopefully?) So if anyone knows Posh Spice's manager hook me up! Anyone who can make that no talent hack famous obviously has skills or is sucking the devil's dick! Either way I like those qualities in a person.
I think companies are now making shit up just to sell products! Example. What's with this new Listerine ad? Bio-film? Wtf is bio-film and why am I only just hearing about it now? If it's real and has been around as long as we've had teeth why has no one mentioned it before!? And if it's a new thing then I think I deserve some kind of formal memo or notice! "New discovery! Teeth muck! Beware! It will breed in your mouth and if it escapes it will eat your children and your pets!"
I'm a bit over my life at the moment. I love my kids and am in a healthy relationship (except for the fact I'm 50% of said relationship) with a hard working partner who loves me and I love him (mostly) and I have a house but I'm just so fucking blah about the whole thing. I want more. Problem is I don't know what I want and I have absolutely no fucking desire to do anything about it!? I have ZERO motivation. ZERO!!! It's the same shit day in and day out... Why fucking bother!? I find myself really envious of these mum's who raise a family, work part/full time, cook meals, have a clean house and get to the gym every day. I find myself thinking, WTF are these freaky bitches snorting to have such zeal!? I can't seem to shake this funk and my fucked up way of thinking. I'm capable of anything I put my mind to... Unfortunately my mind has no interest in exerting extra energy. I seriously need a car like fucking yesterday! Being stuck in this house day in and day out for over 3 years has made me and my ass twitchy! So if anyone wants to buy me a car send me an email! Ok thanks! Seriously though! I'm starting to make hermits look sociable! Anybody with tips or tricks to fuck up my existential funk and get me bee-bopping and shit slapping (?) once again... Do share!
I've shared some of the craziness of my dad's side of the family and told you about my nan (my 'mothers' mother) fucking with the homeless but I haven't really delved in my maternal family... Until now! So about my 'mother'... Well my 'mothers' family is really small. But it gets confusing coz 3 of them have the same fucking name! I was to be the 4th but my dad, thankfully said fuck no! There's my great nan- Nadine. Absolute legend. My soul mate. Awesome, AWESOME human being. She passed away when I was 18... I didn't get to attend her funeral... In fact I don't even know if she had a funeral or if she was cremated? I don't know where she's buried or where her ashes are scattered. Not because I don't want to know but just because my family is fucked and didn't think it was important information to pass on to me. I asked my cousin... She didn't know... She asked her mum, my aunty and she recons she doesn't know either. What a pile of pus! But these are the kinds of ass holes I'm dealing with.
Ok so my great nan- Nadine is dead. Her daughter, my grandmother- also Nadine is my 'mothers' mother. My grandmother (piss cup) had 2 daughters. My mother (also, Nadine- yeah I'm serious) and my aunty (Bernadette). Now anyone whose known me long enough knows I have NO relationship with my so called 'mother'. Usually I call her Nadine but it gets a bit confusing. The most time we've spent together was while she was pregnant with me. Since my birth there was a rapid decline in our relationship. She left 3 weeks after I turned 5. She would see me every 2nd weekend when it suited her. Sometimes she showed up. Sometimes she didn't... For 18 months she just didn't bother to rock up. Then she had a bad dream about me so she broke into our house and left an abusive note for my dad... Yeah she's a real picture of mental health... Anyway so this on again off again bullshit continued until I was 12 when we had a full blown brawl out the front of my aunty's house. As classy as this cunt thinks she is, that didn't stop her from using her acrylic nails to try and pop my eyes out. She isn't a real mothers arse hole!!! Yeah so that pretty much spelled the end of that bullshit.
We've had a few encounters here and there like me sitting in my aunties car and Nadine coming over to talk to me and wondering why I rolled up my window... Her response to that was 'So you're not talking to me, now? What have I done this time?' (always the fucking victim!) I didn't respond because this bitch is fucking brain dead but I really felt like saying 'not talking to you NOW? I haven't spoken to you in fucking years!?' This woman- personal issues aside is a superficial motherfucker and she has one of the most powerful and active delusional imaginations I've ever come across! Don't get me wrong... Not every single memory of her is bad, but even Hitler had his good days!
I know for a fact she tells people we have a good relationship! I asked her about it once... And her response was 'well I cant tell them we don't talk can I?' Well yeah you could! If that's your choice and you believe you're right then own it! But she's more concerned about what strangers think of her than what her one and only daughter thinks. She will use every excuse under the sun. She will say it was 'too painful' to see me, or that my dad interfered, or that I was poisoned against her but the truth is, and any real mother will tell you this, even if all those things were true that wouldn't stop them from fighting to see their babies.
In case you're wondering... Yeah she knows she has 2 grand babies... She just doesn't care! Her idea of making an effort was sending me and Isabelle a gift voucher when she was born and a card saying how she was so happy when I was born and now I had MY own daughter who could fill MY life with joy etc etc. Wtf is she talking about? It had been 10 years since we had any contact at that stage and she sends me this shit? Did she think I would still be medicated when I read it??? Fuck off! There was no mention of the fact that Isabelle was HER grand daughter. She just waffled on with her version of our fantastic relationship! So I sent the card and the gift vouchers back.
Now I could be really bitter about this, but the truth is she helped me in a way. I was worried sick when pregnant with Isabelle. Was i going to be like Nadine? Was it a genetic trait? What if the baby was born, and like her I had absolutely no interest in it what-so-ever? Turns out I'm NOTHING like my 'mother'. In fact she is responsible for me being the kick ass mum I am. All I do is think 'what would Nadine do?' Then I do the polar opposite of that and my babies are super happy and healthy and loved. I would never say 'oh I love my children, but I don't LIKE them!?' I would never use excuses to stop me from pursuing a close relationship with them, I would never take a dick over my babies, I would never put my career, social life, men, travelling or everything else before them and their happiness. So she has influenced me and it just goes to show that even the most beautiful flower can grow out of a big ass pile of shit! I'm the flower! She's the shit! Not to be mistaken with she is THE shit. No, she's just shit. It really is her loss. 44 this may and she has 2 amazing grand babies she will never know.
So that's a little bit about my 'mother'... She's a real gem isn't she? Hahaha! There's A LOT more on her and the rest of that side of the family but we'll get into that another time!
In the mean time... Stay beautiful!
Love ya guts! Love Jen! xoxox
Thursday 31 March 2011
Saturday 26 March 2011
You can't run away from your own feet!!!
Fuck I gotta pee! Ok! I'm back! In case you're wondering... Yes I really just went to pee, it wasn't just some weird way to start my blog! So! How are we? Plans for the weekend etc? Yeah I don't wanna hear about "you people" with your "lives"! Bastards! Hahaha! I have started this entry with really no idea what it's going to be about... Except for one thing!!! What is it, I hear you ask as you quiver with bated breath! Yeah yeah I'm getting there! Fuck! So what do I want to share with you- my darlings, my fabulous readers, my loyal and highly sexually charged bitches?!? This is actually about a friend... So if I seem like I'm having a rant... Well you're right on the fucking money! I am sick of insecure, impotent little man child types taking out decades of repressed homosexual tendencies and insecurities on my beautiful friends!
In light of the above I wanna talk about: FUCK HEADS!!! Also known as morons, dick wads, mother fuckers, moles, cock stains, morons, goat fuckers, cunts, gay holes, fuck-tards, sluts, pricks, dildo smackers, Tony's, dumb asses, ball gazers, butt sluts, cock knockers, pirate hookers, butt sluts, trollops, big crusty pus filled hairy dogs cock... Ok so we get what I'm talking about yeah? Now fuck heads, unfortunately ARE not a rare breed! In fact fuck heads seem to be procreating at an alarming rate!!! This why I'm PRO chemical sterilization- but that's another issue all together! Thankfully I LOVE FUCK HEADS!!! I live for them!!! Not only to I enjoy their antics and their misguided bullshit theories but I love watching as the psycho's come apart at the seams. It's so very rare, nowadays that you get to really touch someones life and leave a permanent mark! See, now this is where i come in! I am the permanent mark! I am the life lesson! I am the teacher, the school, the Principal, the god dam board of education and supreme authority on dealing with cunts like you! Don't let the fact that I'm cute fool you! I've got whoop ass stock piled!!! STOCK PILE-ED! And don't think this is a short term plan! I've got dick heads from 92 who I'm still plotting against!!! It's call a long term investment and guess what baby!?! Your stock just went up!!!
Now the thing about this is that for me to really be effective when dealing with said fuck heads I really need to be 'involved'. I need to give a shit about who the fuck head is inflicting there fuck head-ed-ness upon! Another less important issue is that it's nice (although not necessary) to receive feedback from either the fuck head them selves or an associated party- 3rd party fuck head feedback is always great! Unfortunately, I usually do my job so well that the fuck head and all fuck head associated parties are never to be heard from again! However OCCASIONALLY I am lucky enough to get confirmation or at least an insight in to the damage I caused... And very rarely I get to do damage with absolutely NO effort WHAT-SO-EVER! Score! For example: If you are going to hack someones email &/or FB accounts you may not like what you read... Especially if I wrote it! Now to some people having someone they don't know, slag them off so accurately may not mean much. But to this twinky dick who is insanely insecure, paranoid and jealous it does. If you are so concerned about how other people see you, then maybe you should consider either just being a good person... Not guna happen or STOP PRETENDING YOU HAVE A SOUL!!!! If you happen to be reading this, my deluded little bullshit excuse of a 'man' I just want to re-assure you that I know your type. I've dealt with cunt's like you before and I am just praying that you fuck up... Just once more... PLEASE! Coz I can not wait until I get to show you that behind my bluff and bullshit (which really isn't bluff and bullshit at all, unlike the shit that you come up with) is me with a blow torch and a pick axe waiting to nail your tiny cock to a wall. Realise you've lost... everything. Realise you never really had anything in the first place. Realise this is a battle you are never going to win and continue your pathetic excuse of an existence else where! We are all bored of your domineering, threatening, pathetic, sad, narcissistic bullshit!!!
Ok so I feel much better now! Hahahah fucking hell! Talk about having a chemical imbalance! I was going to talk about some shit that happened with my auntie this week but people are seriously going to doubt my mental stability if I keep arguing with people! I'm an electro magnet for clinically insane nipple tweakers and socially repugnant window licking cocks within a 3000km square radius! It's not me it's them!!! Ahahaha! Ok so maybe it's a little bit me... What can I say... I'm on a fucking roll!
Now time to really lighten the mood coz I need a giggle! Actually, just quickly while remember... I was standing in the kitchen the other day and you know when you have a total mental blank right in the middle of doing something? Yeah, well I had one of those. So I'm standing there with my hand on my hip, thinking about what I couldn't remember or what I forgot to remember or some shit and Isabelle bursts out laughing and says "oh, Mummy that was the funniest joke in the whole wide world" I was like "huh!?" Then she said "you look like a little teapot" and she started singing "I'm a little teapot, short and stout!" Hahaha. Nutter! So now for some completely stupid shit that'll hopefully make you laugh!
Until next time my greasy little nipple tweaking spastic slappers! I LOVE YA FUCKING GUTS!!!!
Love, Jen xoxo
In light of the above I wanna talk about: FUCK HEADS!!! Also known as morons, dick wads, mother fuckers, moles, cock stains, morons, goat fuckers, cunts, gay holes, fuck-tards, sluts, pricks, dildo smackers, Tony's, dumb asses, ball gazers, butt sluts, cock knockers, pirate hookers, butt sluts, trollops, big crusty pus filled hairy dogs cock... Ok so we get what I'm talking about yeah? Now fuck heads, unfortunately ARE not a rare breed! In fact fuck heads seem to be procreating at an alarming rate!!! This why I'm PRO chemical sterilization- but that's another issue all together! Thankfully I LOVE FUCK HEADS!!! I live for them!!! Not only to I enjoy their antics and their misguided bullshit theories but I love watching as the psycho's come apart at the seams. It's so very rare, nowadays that you get to really touch someones life and leave a permanent mark! See, now this is where i come in! I am the permanent mark! I am the life lesson! I am the teacher, the school, the Principal, the god dam board of education and supreme authority on dealing with cunts like you! Don't let the fact that I'm cute fool you! I've got whoop ass stock piled!!! STOCK PILE-ED! And don't think this is a short term plan! I've got dick heads from 92 who I'm still plotting against!!! It's call a long term investment and guess what baby!?! Your stock just went up!!!
Now the thing about this is that for me to really be effective when dealing with said fuck heads I really need to be 'involved'. I need to give a shit about who the fuck head is inflicting there fuck head-ed-ness upon! Another less important issue is that it's nice (although not necessary) to receive feedback from either the fuck head them selves or an associated party- 3rd party fuck head feedback is always great! Unfortunately, I usually do my job so well that the fuck head and all fuck head associated parties are never to be heard from again! However OCCASIONALLY I am lucky enough to get confirmation or at least an insight in to the damage I caused... And very rarely I get to do damage with absolutely NO effort WHAT-SO-EVER! Score! For example: If you are going to hack someones email &/or FB accounts you may not like what you read... Especially if I wrote it! Now to some people having someone they don't know, slag them off so accurately may not mean much. But to this twinky dick who is insanely insecure, paranoid and jealous it does. If you are so concerned about how other people see you, then maybe you should consider either just being a good person... Not guna happen or STOP PRETENDING YOU HAVE A SOUL!!!! If you happen to be reading this, my deluded little bullshit excuse of a 'man' I just want to re-assure you that I know your type. I've dealt with cunt's like you before and I am just praying that you fuck up... Just once more... PLEASE! Coz I can not wait until I get to show you that behind my bluff and bullshit (which really isn't bluff and bullshit at all, unlike the shit that you come up with) is me with a blow torch and a pick axe waiting to nail your tiny cock to a wall. Realise you've lost... everything. Realise you never really had anything in the first place. Realise this is a battle you are never going to win and continue your pathetic excuse of an existence else where! We are all bored of your domineering, threatening, pathetic, sad, narcissistic bullshit!!!
Ok so I feel much better now! Hahahah fucking hell! Talk about having a chemical imbalance! I was going to talk about some shit that happened with my auntie this week but people are seriously going to doubt my mental stability if I keep arguing with people! I'm an electro magnet for clinically insane nipple tweakers and socially repugnant window licking cocks within a 3000km square radius! It's not me it's them!!! Ahahaha! Ok so maybe it's a little bit me... What can I say... I'm on a fucking roll!
Now time to really lighten the mood coz I need a giggle! Actually, just quickly while remember... I was standing in the kitchen the other day and you know when you have a total mental blank right in the middle of doing something? Yeah, well I had one of those. So I'm standing there with my hand on my hip, thinking about what I couldn't remember or what I forgot to remember or some shit and Isabelle bursts out laughing and says "oh, Mummy that was the funniest joke in the whole wide world" I was like "huh!?" Then she said "you look like a little teapot" and she started singing "I'm a little teapot, short and stout!" Hahaha. Nutter! So now for some completely stupid shit that'll hopefully make you laugh!
Until next time my greasy little nipple tweaking spastic slappers! I LOVE YA FUCKING GUTS!!!!
Love, Jen xoxo
Friday 25 March 2011
Isabelle's Winter Wardrobe!!!
I literally can not go into a Pumpkin Patch store! I say it's because I refuse to pay those prices for such teeny tiny little clothes but the truth is, I'd sell a fucking kidney just to get some store credit! It's fucking insane! It should be illegal to make such cute clothes for kids! Maybe if my daughter wasn't into fashion it would be easier but that crazy little mole is a mental as I am! And what's worse is they release whole collections! With shit that matches! It's like leaving a crack head to look after your meth lab!!! You don't fucking do it! Anyway so me and Pumpkin Patch no go!!! But Isabelle's grandmother! OMFG this woman has NO self control! She bought Isabelle some items from the collection titled "From Paris, with love". So what do I do? Dick head here goes onto the Pumpkin Patch website to see what other cute shit they have!!! Yeah good one fuck head!!! Now I've got the shakes and I'm typing this at a million miles an hour just to distract myself from applying for a second mortgage and taking my baby girl shopping! And I don't mean shopping I mean fucking SHOP-PING!!! Seriously it's like going into a brothel and saying oh I just wanted to see if they really have girls in here!!! I know they have cute clothes! I know they're over priced! I know I have ZERO self control, especially when it comes to shopping on the web!!! But does that stop me! You can bet your sweet ass IT DOES NOT!!!
So on behalf of mother's and grandmothers everywhere with absolutely NO self control I present Isabelle's 20-11 winter wardrobe (so far!)! Hopefully this is enough of a distraction to prevent me trying to hock my box to get her some matching tights!!! Not all of these items are from Pumpkin Patch! But Pumkin Patch IS responsible for my swift and thorough raping of Ebay!!!
 |
Cute huh!?! Yeah so until next time stay the fuck away from the credit card and as usual, Love ya guts!!!
Love, Jen xoxo
Fuck the duck until exploded!?!
Ok so I'm watching some porn documentary!?! I have to ask you the question I just got asked by my television: How much do you know about face sitting? Ahahaha! Well? This one silly bitch was a house wife who decided to become a porn star... As you do! Anyway so she gets cancer... Not from the porn (or maybe I don't know!?) So she's being interviewed and she was like "I wasn't going to let cancer beat me, I wasn't ready to die, I have kids to live for!" Yeah ok. Wait! I'm going to have to stop you right there! So, let me get this right! Your children are a good enough reason to survive cancer but they don't come into the equation when you're considering getting cocked in high definition by 5 guys at a time for money? Interesting. Sounds like a classic case of too much spoof in the gob rots ya brain! You should have said to yourself "I cant do porn, I have my kids to think of!" but hey, what do I know!?
The next dude... Chick... Dude? Fuck I dunno! Let me explain! Buck was born as a girl... Buck decided to become a man. Cool... I can deal with that. Buck starts taking testosterone and working out. Buck gets buff! Ok! Cool... Now this is where my head started to hurt! Buck keeps his vagina! Hahaha OK what??? Yeah you read it right. HE kept HIS vagina! Not in a glass jar or anything... LIKE ACTUALLY ON HIM!?! So now Buck, who looks very much like a man makes porn with men... Who are actual men (factory original penis and all) and these men penetrate Bucks... VAGINA... With their... man penis!!! Confusing huh!
Just for the record I am a girl! I have a vagina! No dick to pussy cross contamination, multiple masturbation, formerly on probation bullshit going on here! Anyway, from one confusing subject to another!!! Chinese/ Japanese instructions! Now at the bottom of my page you may notice I have a list of links! Don't be afraid! You can touch them! They like it! CLICK THEM GOD DAMMIT! Woah sorry I got a bit carried away there! Where were we? Oh yeah! My links! So there's a link for engrish.com which is a super funny site that shows how fucked up shit can get in translation... Like the Japanese trying to write in English... Eric Clapton becomes Eric Crapton... I think they may be onto something there! See pics below!!! So I'm on Ebay the other day ( I KNOW, I HAVE A PROBLEM!) and I was looking at some eye liners sold from China... I'm reading and it's as if the person translating started off trying really hard and then just got drunk and gave up coz by the 5th line down it said something to the effect of: Pretty Eye liner. Good for young girls who suffer from embarrassment of ugliness! Ahahahahaha! I was like fuck you! I'm not buying your poxy "made for ugly girls eye liner" Seriously! WTF?
Here is just some of the FUCKING HILARIOUS shit you'll see at http://adult.engrish.com/
So I put the following to my FB friends: Something different! My blog is taking on the form of an advice column! Write in with you questions. Ask for advice. It can be legit or some crazy shit you'd like to hear my theories on! The best ones get to appear in my next blog! Dazzle me!
Now the responses was pretty poxy but I'll answer them anyway! I got the following questions!
The next dude... Chick... Dude? Fuck I dunno! Let me explain! Buck was born as a girl... Buck decided to become a man. Cool... I can deal with that. Buck starts taking testosterone and working out. Buck gets buff! Ok! Cool... Now this is where my head started to hurt! Buck keeps his vagina! Hahaha OK what??? Yeah you read it right. HE kept HIS vagina! Not in a glass jar or anything... LIKE ACTUALLY ON HIM!?! So now Buck, who looks very much like a man makes porn with men... Who are actual men (factory original penis and all) and these men penetrate Bucks... VAGINA... With their... man penis!!! Confusing huh!
Just for the record I am a girl! I have a vagina! No dick to pussy cross contamination, multiple masturbation, formerly on probation bullshit going on here! Anyway, from one confusing subject to another!!! Chinese/ Japanese instructions! Now at the bottom of my page you may notice I have a list of links! Don't be afraid! You can touch them! They like it! CLICK THEM GOD DAMMIT! Woah sorry I got a bit carried away there! Where were we? Oh yeah! My links! So there's a link for engrish.com which is a super funny site that shows how fucked up shit can get in translation... Like the Japanese trying to write in English... Eric Clapton becomes Eric Crapton... I think they may be onto something there! See pics below!!! So I'm on Ebay the other day ( I KNOW, I HAVE A PROBLEM!) and I was looking at some eye liners sold from China... I'm reading and it's as if the person translating started off trying really hard and then just got drunk and gave up coz by the 5th line down it said something to the effect of: Pretty Eye liner. Good for young girls who suffer from embarrassment of ugliness! Ahahahahaha! I was like fuck you! I'm not buying your poxy "made for ugly girls eye liner" Seriously! WTF?
Here is just some of the FUCKING HILARIOUS shit you'll see at http://adult.engrish.com/
So I put the following to my FB friends: Something different! My blog is taking on the form of an advice column! Write in with you questions. Ask for advice. It can be legit or some crazy shit you'd like to hear my theories on! The best ones get to appear in my next blog! Dazzle me!
Now the responses was pretty poxy but I'll answer them anyway! I got the following questions!
- KAINE: Lol haha ok i got a real one why are women so emotional when it's that time of the month??? Please explain.
- ANSWER: Kaine, are you a 12 year old girl!? You sound like you're going through a tough and confusing time with you body! Between this question and your adventures in netball I'm starting to wonder... Do you tuck you penis between your legs and dirty talk to yourself in the mirror? Just sayin' anyway I'll humour you with an answer... this time!!!! Honestly, I don't know... Besides hormone levels being up and down I don't actually suffer from PMS. I am not moody for 1 week out of 4 around the time of my period... I'm a cunt the other 3 weeks of that month! Hahahaha!
- SCOTT: Do ginger kids a soul! I still cant figure out whether I do or not!!
- ANSWER: NO! NO YOU DONT!!! Hahaha I'm joking!? I think! I cant say that bacause my nephew's are ranga's! Damn those bloody Irish jeans! You're not Irish are ya Scott? Fuck! Todd's sister married an Irish folk dancer called Scott... Hence the ranga nephews... This all became very twilight zone! I'm not at liberty to discuss this any further! If I disappear you know why! IRISH MOB!!!! ARRRRGH!
- ALYSHA: Dear blog advice wise Jen! Pray do tell me, that new song by Afrojack, take over control, Is that woman singing to her vibrator?
- Note the correct format Alysha submitted her question in! She uses commas and the word dildo! 5 gold stars for Alysha! Now to answer your question... Be right back! I have to find out what the fuck you're talking about before I can answer!!! ANSWER: Sure! Why not! All I could think of was how she looked like a nymph cockatoo who, whilst mid dump got taken by surprise from behind by a pig boy. That is my professional opinion! Bad hair. Taking a shit. Got arse pumped. Liked it.
That's it for now kiddies! Remember I love your feedback and gifts!!! Still waiting on your gifts, cheap mother fuckers! Haha!
>_<
Until next time... Love ya guts! Love. Jen xoxo
 |
| ONE MORE! |
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Criminal Intent: Jenna! The younger years!!!
My week so far! Well Logan came home from his Nan's (Todd's Mum... Not mine! God knows I wouldn't subject my kids to that) and my poor fatty had really bad allergies! :o( He was all red and puffy. Poor baby looked like an inflatable lobster! So I gave him some medicine and it made him all dopey and kinda stoned! I'm not gunna lie... I like him drugged! Hahaha! He was all cute and giving me cuddles! He was one big doped out smoochy bear! As opposed to his normal kill die stab crazy attitude! He's normally throwing himself over the half wall into the office, or trying to eat the remote or head butting me! He doesn't do it hard but that doesn't mean he isn't nuts! Anyway so the allergies are gone but now he has gastro! He's never ever power chucked until yesterday! I swear to god I thought his head was going to start spinning! I had the priest on speed dial! 'The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!' The vomiting seems to be over, but the sharting is still very active! For those of you not familiar with the term sharting its when you go to fart and you end up shitting yourself! Yeah so poor little man cant stop shitting himself! But he's still happy so that makes it bearable! What a little champ!Isabelle has been a good big sister though and gave her 'Baby Wogan' her glow worm to make him feel better! She was in the bath last night and asked me to help brush her teeth and I said 'no, you're a big girl, you're 4 now you can do it!' She said 'I'm not 4!' I was like 'yes you are!?' She said. 'No Mum! I'm not 4, I'm 21!' I was like hahahahaha ok then! Looper! Ps She still wants to marry me! Todd tried to call dibs on me but she got mad at him and started to cry!?! I've stalled her for now but she's a pushy little tart (I dunno where she gets that from!?) I'm guna have to plan a mock ceremony of something or I'll never hear the end of it! Hahaha!
My kids may both be nut nut nutty but at least they're not criminals like their Mummy was in her younger years! Hahaha! Seriously! I was quite the little destructo as a kid! Me being super cute was just a guise for a much more disturbing criminal agenda! From the age of about 4 I was committing federal crimes... Why do I get a feeling you're all laughing at me and doubting the above? Well it's true. I was deep into the criminal under world of mail theft by the young age of 4! I love mail! Did then. Do now! Love the shit! So much so that when Dad assigned me the awesome task of mail collector I took the job seriously... And as it turns out, a little too far! I would collect Dad's mail... Along with everybody else's within an eight house radius! Now at first I would just take all the mail to Dad... Thinking I done good!!! But I got in trouble for doing this! God Dad! What's your glitch!? Fuck! Plus he would go and put all the mail back in the neighbours letter boxes! Pffft! Unappreciative! AND counter-productive! After this happened I devised a new tactic! Dad had let me down and I couldn't stop now! I was getting a high that only fellow crim can even begin to comprehend! What to do? How could I fill my need for the illegal but avoid the consequences from Dad!?! I figured I would steal the neighbours mail and stick it down the drain! Hahahahaha. Seriously! Fuck knows what I was doing! This was definitely my most high profile crime but by no means was it my last!
 |
| These things! Fucking loved them!!! |
 |
| And ^^^ those things! Loved them too!!! |
There you have it kiddies! Another Day another blog! Hope you enjoyed yourself!
Until next time! Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxox
Tuesday 22 March 2011
Nobody Fucks With The JESUS!!!
Hey Boys & Girls! How Is everyone? It's ok you don't have to answer that! So it's official! I'm on my way to becoming an international sensation! Woo hoo! I've had readers from Indonesian, the United States and Europe! Of course with mass adoration also comes criticism! Boooo! My latest saga started yesterday morning. Someone (and I wont say his name because that's what he wants) thought it would be a good idea to obtain my phone number and anonymously stalk me via SMS. They didn't understand why I didn't find this funny... Ummm maybe coz I'm not 14?!?
The aim of this shit was to get my attention because he wanted to feature in my blog! Well lucky boy! You got your wish! Anyway so after the texting bullshit he decides it's a good idea to engage me on FB chat and criticise my blog as being "too girly" and that "I should write it from a males point of view, other wise people may as well read DOLLY"... Well unless Dolly has really pushed the envelope since I last read it I don't fucking think so. I'm not sure if anyone told him but I am a girl... That may be the reason for me writing like one!? I also said a few choice words along the lines of "fuck up, I didn't ask for your opinion and if you don't like it... Don't read it"
Now I realise in retrospect this may have been a tad harsh. So I'd like to take this opportunity to say sorry and offer the following apology: I am sincerely sorry if I ever did or said anything to give you the impression that I valued your opinion... I do not... Not at fucking all! You are not my target audience and I do not wish to hear your suggestions or tips to improve my blog... If I was to take your opinion on board it would cease to be MY blog and then become YOUR blog!!!
He also posted a very suspect status right around the time we had this conversation saying that "people have their heads in their arse etc etc" My response to this was much like the above and I thought, seeing as we're all about sharing opinions, in the spirit of helping others improve themselves that I would share mine with him. Which went something like "how about you take your dick out of you arse and lose 45 kg's!" Next thing I know, the entire status is gone and I get a message telling me he didn't appreciate that and can we be 'nice'... I didn't respond but I will now! Yeah sure.... Hahaha! Next issue:
Everyone thinks their family is crazy! I fucking KNOW my family is! Between my Dad renaming his neighbours, my Grandfather having 'stigmata' and my Nan convincing homeless people she's drinking her own piss my family is a fucking riot! Now you may think the above is an exaggeration on the facts just for laughs... Well if you think that you aren't ready for this blog! The only part of the above that isn't 100% accurate is that my Grandfather didn't think he had stigmata as such... He believed his hands were bleeding because he was... Wait for it... Jesus! As in Jesus Christ, son of god, died on the cross... The one you always hear about... Yeah him! Ok so what exactly am I talking about here? I don't know either! But let us hold hands and go for a walk down memory lane and have a look at some of the more entertaining moments from my family history! Ps you might wanna bring a spare pair of undies... I'm just sayin... Hahaha!
So my Grandfather! AKA Brian AKA Granddad dribble AKA Jesus. He is my Dad's Dad. Now this old boy... Fuck where to start!?! Obviously, he's a few cans short of a six pack, he's not playing with a full deck, he's off the fucking planet! Get it? Ok good. So let me tell you some of the shit this mad mother fucker has got up to over the years... Firstly he was married to my Nan and they had 3 boys. The youngest of these boys being my Dad. Now Brian has always been odd, to say the least but obviously as age started to take it's toll the crazy antics just kept on getting...well... crazier! For example when my Dad was 13 my Grandfather was right into his religion... As in he would take all three boys to weekend long lectures at the local church... Fun right? Well at one of these lectures Brian/Jesus decided to stand up and show his fellow church enthusiasts how he was bleeding from his hands and was suffering from stigmata... Like this isn't bad enough, he then went on to tell everyone that he was bleeding from his hands because HE WAS JESUS CHRIST!!! He then went on to quote from the bible and tell everyone how he had come again (that's COME again not CUM again... at least I hope that's what he meant?) and how all these people were his children! YEAH! I shit you not! No fucking wonder my Dad isn't easily embarrassed! If you can go through that without shitting yourself to death not much else after that is going to bother you! Well think about it, it wouldn't!
So obviously my Nan has left, Jesus and remarried at this stage! She moves into a house in Vic Park with her new husband. Right next to a vacant block of land... Guess who buys the vacant lot! Yeah, Jesus! He builds a 2 story house on the property so he can watch my nan hanging out her washing! And he did! Every washing day! He was out there! His other reason for moving next door was that she made a nice cup of tea!?!
Now when Brian (Jesus) wasn't busy returning from the dead or trying to scam one of my nans famous cups of tea he was frequenting my Dad's place and scaring the shit out Dad's mates! So Brian has had a long standing feud with "John Pasty" the only problem is there is no John Pasty. So Brian is on the phone and he's going right off! "Now listen here, John I've told you once Iv'e told you a thousand fucking times, it's not gunna fucking happen! It didn't happen then, it aint happening now and it's never going to fucking happen!!! And you can tell that cunt Jack Pie the same fucking thing!" Anyway so Dad's mate, Paul, who happened to be in the next room during this entire conversation was later talking to my Dad and was like "fuck, your Dad really doesn't like that John Pasty guy does he! My Dad's like "oh yeah was Dad telling you about that was he?" Paul said "nar, I over heard a phone conversation between the two of them and shit was pretty heated... My Dad started laughing. Paul looking puzzled asked dad "what was so funny?" My Dad was like "well, the phone got disconnected about 2 weeks ago so fuck knows who he thinks he was talking to"... Paul laughed thinking my dad was joking... 20 minutes later Brian's left and Dad's in the kitchen and he sees Paul pick up the phone and listen... Waiting for a dial tone... Which wasn't there... The Phone REALLY had been disconnected! It's then that you could see the real fear written all over Paul's face!!! Hahahaha!
It's no surprise that coming from a father like that, my Dad is a "little quirky"... example: My dad has a family of Muslims that live over the road. The eldest boy, who name is Yulmas, goes by Muhammad because no one says, Yulmas properly... Well he did go by Muhammed until he started working with my Dad. My Dad was like "right! What are we going to do about this name of yours!?" Hahahaha! Yes I'm serious! Dad said that to him and even sent Muhammad home to have a good think about it! The next day he comes back and says "I like the name DAVID" my Dad says "nar mate you're an Aussie now! We'll call you DAVE!" So Yulmas AKA Muhummad AKA David is now known as Dave! To the point where his own father now calls him Dave! Who the fuck goes around renaming people? To their face!? My Dad that's who!!!
As for my Nan trying to convince a homeless guy that she drinks her own pee... Hahahaha well!!! My nan (My Mothers Mother) owned a dressmakers shop and she was friends with a homeless guy in the area! She would have him in and make him coffee and have a chat etc. Anyway so Nan had brought her lunch into work. In one of those plastic cups you get at the doctors office to leave your piss sample in she had some vinegar (the sample jar was clean and had not been used). Anyway she gets out her lunch and her piss pot full of vinegar... She unscrews the lid in full view of this homeless dude takes a sniff, dibs her finger in, has a taste then offers it to the homeless dude and says "does this smell like piss to you?" Aaaaahahahaha! To say the homeless dude looked freaked the fuck out is a massive under statement! After he left I was like Nan WTF? She just laughed and said "that'll keep him on his toes!?"
So people there you have it!!! Crazy mother fuckers! The lot of us! I never had a fucking chance! Be thankful! If I came from a normal family I'd have nothing to write about and you'd all be sitting here reading some less riveting form of media!
Until next time! Remember! Don't fuck with me! I know the Jesus!!!
Hahaha! Love ya guts! Love, Jen! xoxo
The aim of this shit was to get my attention because he wanted to feature in my blog! Well lucky boy! You got your wish! Anyway so after the texting bullshit he decides it's a good idea to engage me on FB chat and criticise my blog as being "too girly" and that "I should write it from a males point of view, other wise people may as well read DOLLY"... Well unless Dolly has really pushed the envelope since I last read it I don't fucking think so. I'm not sure if anyone told him but I am a girl... That may be the reason for me writing like one!? I also said a few choice words along the lines of "fuck up, I didn't ask for your opinion and if you don't like it... Don't read it"
Now I realise in retrospect this may have been a tad harsh. So I'd like to take this opportunity to say sorry and offer the following apology: I am sincerely sorry if I ever did or said anything to give you the impression that I valued your opinion... I do not... Not at fucking all! You are not my target audience and I do not wish to hear your suggestions or tips to improve my blog... If I was to take your opinion on board it would cease to be MY blog and then become YOUR blog!!!
He also posted a very suspect status right around the time we had this conversation saying that "people have their heads in their arse etc etc" My response to this was much like the above and I thought, seeing as we're all about sharing opinions, in the spirit of helping others improve themselves that I would share mine with him. Which went something like "how about you take your dick out of you arse and lose 45 kg's!" Next thing I know, the entire status is gone and I get a message telling me he didn't appreciate that and can we be 'nice'... I didn't respond but I will now! Yeah sure.... Hahaha! Next issue:
Everyone thinks their family is crazy! I fucking KNOW my family is! Between my Dad renaming his neighbours, my Grandfather having 'stigmata' and my Nan convincing homeless people she's drinking her own piss my family is a fucking riot! Now you may think the above is an exaggeration on the facts just for laughs... Well if you think that you aren't ready for this blog! The only part of the above that isn't 100% accurate is that my Grandfather didn't think he had stigmata as such... He believed his hands were bleeding because he was... Wait for it... Jesus! As in Jesus Christ, son of god, died on the cross... The one you always hear about... Yeah him! Ok so what exactly am I talking about here? I don't know either! But let us hold hands and go for a walk down memory lane and have a look at some of the more entertaining moments from my family history! Ps you might wanna bring a spare pair of undies... I'm just sayin... Hahaha!
 |
| MY GRANDFATHER! |
So obviously my Nan has left, Jesus and remarried at this stage! She moves into a house in Vic Park with her new husband. Right next to a vacant block of land... Guess who buys the vacant lot! Yeah, Jesus! He builds a 2 story house on the property so he can watch my nan hanging out her washing! And he did! Every washing day! He was out there! His other reason for moving next door was that she made a nice cup of tea!?!
Now when Brian (Jesus) wasn't busy returning from the dead or trying to scam one of my nans famous cups of tea he was frequenting my Dad's place and scaring the shit out Dad's mates! So Brian has had a long standing feud with "John Pasty" the only problem is there is no John Pasty. So Brian is on the phone and he's going right off! "Now listen here, John I've told you once Iv'e told you a thousand fucking times, it's not gunna fucking happen! It didn't happen then, it aint happening now and it's never going to fucking happen!!! And you can tell that cunt Jack Pie the same fucking thing!" Anyway so Dad's mate, Paul, who happened to be in the next room during this entire conversation was later talking to my Dad and was like "fuck, your Dad really doesn't like that John Pasty guy does he! My Dad's like "oh yeah was Dad telling you about that was he?" Paul said "nar, I over heard a phone conversation between the two of them and shit was pretty heated... My Dad started laughing. Paul looking puzzled asked dad "what was so funny?" My Dad was like "well, the phone got disconnected about 2 weeks ago so fuck knows who he thinks he was talking to"... Paul laughed thinking my dad was joking... 20 minutes later Brian's left and Dad's in the kitchen and he sees Paul pick up the phone and listen... Waiting for a dial tone... Which wasn't there... The Phone REALLY had been disconnected! It's then that you could see the real fear written all over Paul's face!!! Hahahaha!
 |
| NOT Dave! |
 |
| NOT My Nan!!! |
So people there you have it!!! Crazy mother fuckers! The lot of us! I never had a fucking chance! Be thankful! If I came from a normal family I'd have nothing to write about and you'd all be sitting here reading some less riveting form of media!
Until next time! Remember! Don't fuck with me! I know the Jesus!!!
Hahaha! Love ya guts! Love, Jen! xoxo
Monday 21 March 2011
Is That a Two Headed Snake In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Hey Dudette's and Duderino's! What is up with the universe? Yes this is a very philosophical question for a blonde, I know! But seriously! Sure, there's been a butt load of natural disasters this year and we're only in March but I'm referring to something much closer to home... Everyone's marriages/ long term relationships are coming to an end. And these aren't people who you secretly thought to yourself 'I give it 5 weeks if he works away for 4 of them!' These are good people! Well at least the female side of the relationship is descent! I'm not saying they are fault free and perfect because I don't know the entire story but they are definitely wife material. What the fuck is going on?
In one particular instance I can say this guy has shit for brains if he thinks he's ever going to come close to meeting a wife and mother of this calibre every again! What is wrong with people? Has he always been a cock stain and covered it well or did he just developed cock-stain-itis and change over night? I favour option a. But I dont understand how you can supposedly be in love with someone, have a child or children with them and not let them see the real you. That's A LOT of work. Why bother? If you really do love that person, you being a better person wouldn't be an act because I believe love has the ability to bring the absolute best (and worst) out in people. Why waste someone's time and make them question their own sanity and judgement? I'm a firm believer in knowing ones self... This simple rule eliminates a lot of life's bullshit. Unfortunately though the people I'm talking about don't have a set of life rules or guidelines and it's just about them doing whatever they want at that particular point in time, fuck everyone else and fuck the consequences. They are basically sociopath's with a serious complex about having a very tiny penis and asymmetrical balls!!!
To these moron men (and woman) who systematically ruin one life after another leaving broken hearts, broken will and broken families in their wake... Your time is coming. It's not a threat. It's a god damn mother fucking promise, Bitch! There's no cure for cock-stain-itis but there's a fucking good treatment that's guaranteed to make myself and everyone whose ever come into contact with them feel better immediately! They need to be flogged. Beaten within a inch of their lives. Piss and shit themselves in fear. They need to have the physical equivalent of the emotional pain they've caused others, inflicted on them. It wont cure them but it will make the rest of the world sleep a hell of a lot better knowing some justice was served in this unjust world!
Ok so now that's out of my system lets talk blog!!! What am I going to be talking about in this entry? Well I've got a collection of random, strange and funny photos I stumbled upon by accident! I was telling Todd about an albino kangaroo I saw on tele, he looked at me strangely because he had never seen an albino kangaroo... I was like well neither had I and it was an American show so it may have been a large white cat!?! So what do i do? I google it of course! I was right. It was an albino kangaroo! This discovery lead me to a whole array of albino animals! Some weird, some beautiful... some with 2 heads! Hang on! Stop! What? Yeah you heard me! 2 fucking heads!!! As you'll see below I came across a picture of a 2 headed albino rat snake! I researched this and it's legit! No photo-shopping here people! This lead me on a new quest... The quest for other 2 headed animals! Some were disturbing (I'm not putting any of those pics up) and some were amazing... Still beautiful just with 2 noggins! The purpose of these pics is not to point and look at the 2 headed freaks but more so, about how mother nature works in strange ways! I read about these animals to see what kind of life expectancy they had... They more severely deformed ones don't usually live long at all. All the pics I'm putting up are of animals that are still alive to the best of my knowledge.
OK so first up... Albinos!
Ok so this is the albino Kangaroo that kick started my quest for the strange and unusual! I think it's really weird that we are the only country in the world to have native kangaroos but yet the first time I learnt about albino kanga's was off an American TV show!?! Yeah good one Australia! Morons! Next...
An Albino Zebra!!! How frickin awesome is that!!! He's white and a neutral tan colour so you know he will go with everything!!! Love it! How is it I've never heard about this shit!? I knew about cats and rabbits and that's about it!!! What the fuck are they teaching us at school? The next two are breathtaking!
White peacock! Just gorgeous! It looks like it has a giant antique lace fan attached to its butt! and I dig it!!! Not sure how he would go with 'the ladies' not having all those bright come hither feathers but I'm sure a few special pea-hens think this dude rocks out with his (pea)cock (tail) out and I do too! The next one is my favourite!
Now apparently for some reason these lions aren't classified as albinos? It's not a pigmentation defect that's causing them to have this magnificent white mane. I didn't get into the why's or the how's coz I was on a mission. I had to include him because he is one of the most stunning animals I have ever seen... as you can image this breed of lion is very rare and exclusive to just one part of Africa.
Albino squirrel... With huge fucking nuts!!! Yeah he's white! Good on him but who cares when you got those furry little fuckers dangling in your face!!! Wow-za!!!
Now... I'm not going to lie. There were other pics of albino gorilla's but NONE of them had the spunk of this guy! He's like I'm comfortable with who I am! I know you want me... so come! LOVE ME!!! Hahaha! And is it just me or is this guy a splitting image of Doctor Zaius? This guy is a star and I want to see more of him! I can guarantee you this guy gets more gorilla poonani than he knows what to do with! 5 gold stars for being an albino gorilla and rocking the absolute fucking shit out it!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyYY96wcj50
Now this two headed albino rat snake is legit! I checked a few sources to make sure it wasn't photo-shopped and is still alive etc. It's the real deal. It eats with both mouths and it has 2 independent brains... Which causes the heads to constantly attack and bite each other!!! Hahaha! I'm serious! I suppose they would want to go different ways or whatever and then they get into arguments!?!
From here I asked myself is there other 2 headed animals who despite there odds live a happy healthy life? The answer was yes... There was actually a two headed kitten born right here in Perth. She was perfectly healthy and not the first of her kind. She doesn't have 2 heads... more like two faces. Only one mouth can eat but because of them sharing a stomach the other kitty gets the same nutrients as the kitty who can eat. Both kittens can meow and purr. Some people would say put it down, it's not fair. Well personally as long as it's not in any pain and it seems happy then I think it deserves a chance to live. As long as the owner is responsible enough to look after the creature and not try and make money out of it then I think it should live.
This kitty is neither an albino nor does he have two heads! But he does have 4 ears! His hearing is fine and he lives a normal life... He just obviously couldn't decide if he wanted pointy ears or round ones so he chose both! He looks a little like Yoda! MMMM YODA!!! YOU SEEK YODA!!!
I was going to talk about a run in I had with ANOTHER family member, just today actually but I'm still a bit pissed and could possibly crap on in a hysterical fashion for several hours so I will save it for when it's not so raw... It's no big deal I just want it to settle. In place of that shit I've had a friend ask for my advice on some skin care products. Below are her questions! I will attempt to answer these proficiently!
QUESTION:
Ok so here it goes LOL a week late I'm after a moisturizer to put on under my make up and then a facial wash set eg like cleanse, tone, moisturize, exfoliate whatever the regime is I don't mind lol I just want something that works now I've tried clean and clear didn't really help much, I'm now trying the Clearasil ultra stuff, and I'm using neutrogena and dove make up removers but i want something to clean my skin before bed at night after I've cleaned the make up off. I cant justify spending a fortune on proactiv cos i didn't see that great results from it so I'm wondering if theres something I can buy from the supermarket that works just as good or does the same job?! Ive been trying a few now but over wasting my money on shit that doesn't work or does the same job as cheaper shit LOL any who so if you have any suggestions or products i can try id greatly appreciate it! Thanks Lovely ♥
ANSWER:
I don't really believe in "sets" as I find there are very few available where all 3 or 4 products in the set are brilliant. I'm sure they're out there but I stopped looking after spending the first few hundred dollars. Straight up I'm going to say this: fuck Proactiv! There a many other products out there that contain the same level of 2.5% benzoyl peroxide that don't make you sign your life away. The only reason I think this shit works is because when people are paying $60 at a time they are guna make sure they use it as per the instructions. We all do it... We know we should cleanse twice a day but it doesn't always happen. If you pay $60 upfront for the shit and they tell you to cleanse, tone & moisturise twice a day... You're guna fucking do it aren't ya?! Especially considering the people this product is aimed at- teenagers- dont usually have a lot of cash so they aren't about to waste it by not using the product as recommended!
There's lots of ingredients for fighting acne or pimples. Most notably theres benzoyl peroxide- Proactiv's key ingredient, salicylic acid and glycolic acid. Now one person may swear by one and curse another. It all really depends on the individual but my advice is to come at it as a 2 pronged attack! As in combine 2 different types of acids in your routine to really fuck shit up... In a good way!
I'm just guna jump from that for a tick and cover your question about makeup removers. If you're cleansing before bed, you only really need a make up remover for eye make up. Most make up removers contain alcohol or oil (to remove waterproof makeup) If you don't feel your cleanser is getting the make up off (this can be a problem with colorstay foundation) then cleanse twice or cleanse and exfoliate. Some people will tell you not to exfoliate daily but if it's a mild exfoliant and you're not in there trying to tear the shit out of your face you should be fine. Another way to go is cleanse once... thoroughly then use a toner. Which brings me to my next point!
Toner! Do you or don't you? Basically what's it for? Well toner has 2 main purposes. A) to return your skins PH balance to normal after cleansing and B) to remove anything your cleanser missed... including excess cleanser. Now in my opinion if you're using a good cleanser and rinsing it off properly then you don't need a toner. Astringent however is toners buffed up steroid ridden cousin. It helps get rid of excess oil and the alcohol that most contain also give the appearance of shrinking your pores.
I am not anti alcohol- especially on the weekends when the kids are in bed!- but I would say be wary and use sparingly. Essentially alcohol is great for drying out your skin. But by doing so this can send your skin into emergency mode and make it think: fuck I'm dry! Up oil production stat! Obviously this is something you don't want!
Moisturiser: Don't not moisturise because you have oily skin. Make sure your using and oil free water based emollient rather than an oil based one. If you don't moisturise you're skin can think it's dry and up oil production as with the toner. The thing with skin is it can be oily and dehydrated at the same time! Dry is lacking oil. Dehydrated is lacking water. A simple test for dehydration is to go up to your mirror and with your index finger gently push the skin on your cheek upwards. Look closely at the gathered skin... Is it crepey (Not creepy! Hahah!)? As in are there fine lines present or does it look plump? If lines are present you're skin is dehydrated. Get to drinking your 8-10 glasses of water a day stat!
Also look at your diet... If you're not getting enough fruit and veggies look at taking a multi vitamin and even a supplement for hair skin and nails just to pick up the slack of any faults in your diet.
My Recommendations:
Cleanser: MD FORMULATIONS GLYCOLIC CLEANSER. Now I know you said you were after cheaper solutions but as far as cleansers go I can not go past MD Formulations Glycolic Cleanser for Sensitive skin! It's dermotologist tested, wont clog pores, has a whopping 12% glycolic acid and is PH balanced. It's not cheap but will last forever. You can get the professional 475ml pump bottle for $79. Which will last you forever! There's also the 250ml bottle for $48 or you can get the trial size to see how you like it for $17 which is a 60ml bottle. These are ebay prices. Buying this from a salon will cost you much more and you probably will only be able to get the 250ml version.
Toner: BIORE TRIPLE ACTION ASTRINGENT: This contains salicylic acid, and claims to unclog pores and reduce shine. It penetrates pores to clear away dirt, oil and blackheads. I have used this before and thought it was quite good. It says you can use it twice a day but I would start off on once a day for the first few weeks just to let your skin adjust to your new routine.
Moisturiser: Clean and clear have an oil free moisturiser so does Neutrogena. Garnier has a daily moisturiser which is for problem skin. It didn't specifically say OIL FREE though, so I would check.
Treatment Spot gel: There's a huge market for this type of product. Most will contain one of the 3 acids I've discussed earlier. I was reading a few reviews on the most common ones like neutrogena rapid clear, clean and clear and clearasil. Basically they either work or they dont. There's people who swear by them and a whole bunch of people who hate the stuff. The product I like best is Zapzyt. It's not available in Australia but you can get a tube on Ebay for about $12. It's oil free and contains 10% benzoyl peroxide. It fights acne and blackheads. This should be applied after cleansing and toning. Apply wait 5 mins then apply moisturiser.
Exfoliator/ Scrub: At least a few times a week I would exfoliate. Nothing too harsh or scratchy but this will help remove any surface dead skin and oil and give your skin a glow. Try a few out. They're all pretty decent. I like Garnier's Pure range... There's a few different scrubs they have. I like the one that can be used as a mask also. I think it's about $13 and it claims to be a cleanser, a scrub and a mask all in one. To use it as a scrub just use clean fingers to massgae the beads into moistened skin. Do this for about a minute... Working mostly on your problem areas. To use a s a mask I apply a thick layer after cleansing and relax for 15 before rinsing and continuing my routine as per usual.
Mask: I would do this either weekly or fortnightly. If your skin is getting a bit dry from the shock of your new skin regime I'd go with the 10-0-6 oatmeal mask... It will still give you a deep clean but it's also nourishing. If dryness isn't an issue then try 10-0-6's clay mask. Using masks isnt essential but it is a nice treat.
Hope this helps. My advice is to at least try the MD Cleanser. I think that will help. If you find youre skin is getting a bit too dry get back to me and I will adjust the program for you.
Lastly, one of the best things I did for my skin was switching birth control pills. Diane 35 is a bit pricier than regular contraceptive pills and it's not available for pensioner discount but in my opinion it's worth the price. You'll need to give it a couple of months though and DONT get the generic brand... no matter what they tell you... It's shit!
Hope this has helped! If you have anymore questions or if I missed something let me know!
So Kiddies! That wraps it up once again! I must hobble off and plonk my ass on the couch, as Aunt Flo is coming for a visit and I'm in PAIN!!! Too much Info? Sorry.... But not really! Hahahaha!
Until next time... Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxoxo
This last pic IS photo- shopped,obviously but I laughed so hard when i saw it i had to include it in my post!!! Redneck Yokel dog! Love it!
In one particular instance I can say this guy has shit for brains if he thinks he's ever going to come close to meeting a wife and mother of this calibre every again! What is wrong with people? Has he always been a cock stain and covered it well or did he just developed cock-stain-itis and change over night? I favour option a. But I dont understand how you can supposedly be in love with someone, have a child or children with them and not let them see the real you. That's A LOT of work. Why bother? If you really do love that person, you being a better person wouldn't be an act because I believe love has the ability to bring the absolute best (and worst) out in people. Why waste someone's time and make them question their own sanity and judgement? I'm a firm believer in knowing ones self... This simple rule eliminates a lot of life's bullshit. Unfortunately though the people I'm talking about don't have a set of life rules or guidelines and it's just about them doing whatever they want at that particular point in time, fuck everyone else and fuck the consequences. They are basically sociopath's with a serious complex about having a very tiny penis and asymmetrical balls!!!
To these moron men (and woman) who systematically ruin one life after another leaving broken hearts, broken will and broken families in their wake... Your time is coming. It's not a threat. It's a god damn mother fucking promise, Bitch! There's no cure for cock-stain-itis but there's a fucking good treatment that's guaranteed to make myself and everyone whose ever come into contact with them feel better immediately! They need to be flogged. Beaten within a inch of their lives. Piss and shit themselves in fear. They need to have the physical equivalent of the emotional pain they've caused others, inflicted on them. It wont cure them but it will make the rest of the world sleep a hell of a lot better knowing some justice was served in this unjust world!
Ok so now that's out of my system lets talk blog!!! What am I going to be talking about in this entry? Well I've got a collection of random, strange and funny photos I stumbled upon by accident! I was telling Todd about an albino kangaroo I saw on tele, he looked at me strangely because he had never seen an albino kangaroo... I was like well neither had I and it was an American show so it may have been a large white cat!?! So what do i do? I google it of course! I was right. It was an albino kangaroo! This discovery lead me to a whole array of albino animals! Some weird, some beautiful... some with 2 heads! Hang on! Stop! What? Yeah you heard me! 2 fucking heads!!! As you'll see below I came across a picture of a 2 headed albino rat snake! I researched this and it's legit! No photo-shopping here people! This lead me on a new quest... The quest for other 2 headed animals! Some were disturbing (I'm not putting any of those pics up) and some were amazing... Still beautiful just with 2 noggins! The purpose of these pics is not to point and look at the 2 headed freaks but more so, about how mother nature works in strange ways! I read about these animals to see what kind of life expectancy they had... They more severely deformed ones don't usually live long at all. All the pics I'm putting up are of animals that are still alive to the best of my knowledge.
OK so first up... Albinos!
Ok so this is the albino Kangaroo that kick started my quest for the strange and unusual! I think it's really weird that we are the only country in the world to have native kangaroos but yet the first time I learnt about albino kanga's was off an American TV show!?! Yeah good one Australia! Morons! Next...
An Albino Zebra!!! How frickin awesome is that!!! He's white and a neutral tan colour so you know he will go with everything!!! Love it! How is it I've never heard about this shit!? I knew about cats and rabbits and that's about it!!! What the fuck are they teaching us at school? The next two are breathtaking!
Albino squirrel... With huge fucking nuts!!! Yeah he's white! Good on him but who cares when you got those furry little fuckers dangling in your face!!! Wow-za!!!
Now... I'm not going to lie. There were other pics of albino gorilla's but NONE of them had the spunk of this guy! He's like I'm comfortable with who I am! I know you want me... so come! LOVE ME!!! Hahaha! And is it just me or is this guy a splitting image of Doctor Zaius? This guy is a star and I want to see more of him! I can guarantee you this guy gets more gorilla poonani than he knows what to do with! 5 gold stars for being an albino gorilla and rocking the absolute fucking shit out it!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyYY96wcj50
Now this two headed albino rat snake is legit! I checked a few sources to make sure it wasn't photo-shopped and is still alive etc. It's the real deal. It eats with both mouths and it has 2 independent brains... Which causes the heads to constantly attack and bite each other!!! Hahaha! I'm serious! I suppose they would want to go different ways or whatever and then they get into arguments!?!
From here I asked myself is there other 2 headed animals who despite there odds live a happy healthy life? The answer was yes... There was actually a two headed kitten born right here in Perth. She was perfectly healthy and not the first of her kind. She doesn't have 2 heads... more like two faces. Only one mouth can eat but because of them sharing a stomach the other kitty gets the same nutrients as the kitty who can eat. Both kittens can meow and purr. Some people would say put it down, it's not fair. Well personally as long as it's not in any pain and it seems happy then I think it deserves a chance to live. As long as the owner is responsible enough to look after the creature and not try and make money out of it then I think it should live. 
This kitty is neither an albino nor does he have two heads! But he does have 4 ears! His hearing is fine and he lives a normal life... He just obviously couldn't decide if he wanted pointy ears or round ones so he chose both! He looks a little like Yoda! MMMM YODA!!! YOU SEEK YODA!!!
I was going to talk about a run in I had with ANOTHER family member, just today actually but I'm still a bit pissed and could possibly crap on in a hysterical fashion for several hours so I will save it for when it's not so raw... It's no big deal I just want it to settle. In place of that shit I've had a friend ask for my advice on some skin care products. Below are her questions! I will attempt to answer these proficiently!
QUESTION:
Ok so here it goes LOL a week late I'm after a moisturizer to put on under my make up and then a facial wash set eg like cleanse, tone, moisturize, exfoliate whatever the regime is I don't mind lol I just want something that works now I've tried clean and clear didn't really help much, I'm now trying the Clearasil ultra stuff, and I'm using neutrogena and dove make up removers but i want something to clean my skin before bed at night after I've cleaned the make up off. I cant justify spending a fortune on proactiv cos i didn't see that great results from it so I'm wondering if theres something I can buy from the supermarket that works just as good or does the same job?! Ive been trying a few now but over wasting my money on shit that doesn't work or does the same job as cheaper shit LOL any who so if you have any suggestions or products i can try id greatly appreciate it! Thanks Lovely ♥
ANSWER:
I don't really believe in "sets" as I find there are very few available where all 3 or 4 products in the set are brilliant. I'm sure they're out there but I stopped looking after spending the first few hundred dollars. Straight up I'm going to say this: fuck Proactiv! There a many other products out there that contain the same level of 2.5% benzoyl peroxide that don't make you sign your life away. The only reason I think this shit works is because when people are paying $60 at a time they are guna make sure they use it as per the instructions. We all do it... We know we should cleanse twice a day but it doesn't always happen. If you pay $60 upfront for the shit and they tell you to cleanse, tone & moisturise twice a day... You're guna fucking do it aren't ya?! Especially considering the people this product is aimed at- teenagers- dont usually have a lot of cash so they aren't about to waste it by not using the product as recommended!
There's lots of ingredients for fighting acne or pimples. Most notably theres benzoyl peroxide- Proactiv's key ingredient, salicylic acid and glycolic acid. Now one person may swear by one and curse another. It all really depends on the individual but my advice is to come at it as a 2 pronged attack! As in combine 2 different types of acids in your routine to really fuck shit up... In a good way!
I'm just guna jump from that for a tick and cover your question about makeup removers. If you're cleansing before bed, you only really need a make up remover for eye make up. Most make up removers contain alcohol or oil (to remove waterproof makeup) If you don't feel your cleanser is getting the make up off (this can be a problem with colorstay foundation) then cleanse twice or cleanse and exfoliate. Some people will tell you not to exfoliate daily but if it's a mild exfoliant and you're not in there trying to tear the shit out of your face you should be fine. Another way to go is cleanse once... thoroughly then use a toner. Which brings me to my next point!
Toner! Do you or don't you? Basically what's it for? Well toner has 2 main purposes. A) to return your skins PH balance to normal after cleansing and B) to remove anything your cleanser missed... including excess cleanser. Now in my opinion if you're using a good cleanser and rinsing it off properly then you don't need a toner. Astringent however is toners buffed up steroid ridden cousin. It helps get rid of excess oil and the alcohol that most contain also give the appearance of shrinking your pores.
I am not anti alcohol- especially on the weekends when the kids are in bed!- but I would say be wary and use sparingly. Essentially alcohol is great for drying out your skin. But by doing so this can send your skin into emergency mode and make it think: fuck I'm dry! Up oil production stat! Obviously this is something you don't want!
Moisturiser: Don't not moisturise because you have oily skin. Make sure your using and oil free water based emollient rather than an oil based one. If you don't moisturise you're skin can think it's dry and up oil production as with the toner. The thing with skin is it can be oily and dehydrated at the same time! Dry is lacking oil. Dehydrated is lacking water. A simple test for dehydration is to go up to your mirror and with your index finger gently push the skin on your cheek upwards. Look closely at the gathered skin... Is it crepey (Not creepy! Hahah!)? As in are there fine lines present or does it look plump? If lines are present you're skin is dehydrated. Get to drinking your 8-10 glasses of water a day stat!
Also look at your diet... If you're not getting enough fruit and veggies look at taking a multi vitamin and even a supplement for hair skin and nails just to pick up the slack of any faults in your diet.
My Recommendations:
Cleanser: MD FORMULATIONS GLYCOLIC CLEANSER. Now I know you said you were after cheaper solutions but as far as cleansers go I can not go past MD Formulations Glycolic Cleanser for Sensitive skin! It's dermotologist tested, wont clog pores, has a whopping 12% glycolic acid and is PH balanced. It's not cheap but will last forever. You can get the professional 475ml pump bottle for $79. Which will last you forever! There's also the 250ml bottle for $48 or you can get the trial size to see how you like it for $17 which is a 60ml bottle. These are ebay prices. Buying this from a salon will cost you much more and you probably will only be able to get the 250ml version.
Toner: BIORE TRIPLE ACTION ASTRINGENT: This contains salicylic acid, and claims to unclog pores and reduce shine. It penetrates pores to clear away dirt, oil and blackheads. I have used this before and thought it was quite good. It says you can use it twice a day but I would start off on once a day for the first few weeks just to let your skin adjust to your new routine.
Moisturiser: Clean and clear have an oil free moisturiser so does Neutrogena. Garnier has a daily moisturiser which is for problem skin. It didn't specifically say OIL FREE though, so I would check.
Treatment Spot gel: There's a huge market for this type of product. Most will contain one of the 3 acids I've discussed earlier. I was reading a few reviews on the most common ones like neutrogena rapid clear, clean and clear and clearasil. Basically they either work or they dont. There's people who swear by them and a whole bunch of people who hate the stuff. The product I like best is Zapzyt. It's not available in Australia but you can get a tube on Ebay for about $12. It's oil free and contains 10% benzoyl peroxide. It fights acne and blackheads. This should be applied after cleansing and toning. Apply wait 5 mins then apply moisturiser.
Exfoliator/ Scrub: At least a few times a week I would exfoliate. Nothing too harsh or scratchy but this will help remove any surface dead skin and oil and give your skin a glow. Try a few out. They're all pretty decent. I like Garnier's Pure range... There's a few different scrubs they have. I like the one that can be used as a mask also. I think it's about $13 and it claims to be a cleanser, a scrub and a mask all in one. To use it as a scrub just use clean fingers to massgae the beads into moistened skin. Do this for about a minute... Working mostly on your problem areas. To use a s a mask I apply a thick layer after cleansing and relax for 15 before rinsing and continuing my routine as per usual.
Mask: I would do this either weekly or fortnightly. If your skin is getting a bit dry from the shock of your new skin regime I'd go with the 10-0-6 oatmeal mask... It will still give you a deep clean but it's also nourishing. If dryness isn't an issue then try 10-0-6's clay mask. Using masks isnt essential but it is a nice treat.
Hope this helps. My advice is to at least try the MD Cleanser. I think that will help. If you find youre skin is getting a bit too dry get back to me and I will adjust the program for you.
Lastly, one of the best things I did for my skin was switching birth control pills. Diane 35 is a bit pricier than regular contraceptive pills and it's not available for pensioner discount but in my opinion it's worth the price. You'll need to give it a couple of months though and DONT get the generic brand... no matter what they tell you... It's shit!
Hope this has helped! If you have anymore questions or if I missed something let me know! So Kiddies! That wraps it up once again! I must hobble off and plonk my ass on the couch, as Aunt Flo is coming for a visit and I'm in PAIN!!! Too much Info? Sorry.... But not really! Hahahaha!
Until next time... Love ya guts! Love, Jen xoxoxo
This last pic IS photo- shopped,obviously but I laughed so hard when i saw it i had to include it in my post!!! Redneck Yokel dog! Love it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)